Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

nickyhutch

VestanPance wrote: »

None of those are excuses to have an affair, which is what you said you did. Although I'm surprised you could find the time!!

!!!!!!? Says who? Who out you in charge of deciding what a person should or shouldn't put up with? You would put up with all that, would you? That sounds like the basis for a happy relationship, does it?

euronorris

superbabe612 wrote: »

Not really. I told my ex how I felt. We couldn't work out the problem. We broke up. We moved on. But I was already in love with someone else.

In which case, you must have been continuing an emotional affair with this man, at the very least.

The discussion with your ex- OH should have come before that.

My ex-husband conned me and my parents out of £'000s. He forged my signature on legal documents. He committed VAT fraud and mortgage fraud. He traded illegally. He coerced me into getting into debt to the tune of £100,000 to fund his business. I left my career in banking to work for him for £3 an hour with very little time off in 10 years. I worked until 10pm while in labour with our 2nd child and went back to work 2 days after she was born.
He went out drinking five nights a week and left me to look after our toddler and baby on my own. I had post-natal depression and was chased by creditors for home and business.

You're right, I was laughably weak.

With all due respect, him coercing you, isn't forcing you. You could have ended things a long time ago, but for whatever reason you chose not to.

I don't think that you, or anyone else, deserves to be treated the way your ex treated you, but that doesn't mean you didn't have your own part to play in enabling him to treat you that way. I think it is important for you to recognise that, so that you can ensure it doesn't happen again.

Also, none of those reasons make an affair justifiable, or put you in a position where you had no choice.

We all have choices to make in life. Sometimes they are pretty sh'tty choices, but they are still choices. And sometimes we make the wrong choices, but it's no good blaming that on someone else. Best to say 'Hey, yeah, I messed up. I'm sorry. I won't be making the same mistake again!'.

Otherwise, when we don't, when we don't recognise that the responsibility lays with us, then we are essentially giving other people control over us. Is that what anyone really wants?

euronorris

nickyhutch wrote: »

!!!!!!? Says who? Who out you in charge of deciding what a person should or shouldn't put up with? You would put up with all that, would you? That sounds like the basis for a happy relationship, does it?

No, she shouldn't have had to put with it. But the solution was not an affair either, was it? The solution was to try and resolve things, and once it was obvious it wasn't possible, then walk.

And eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth and the whole world ends up blind and toothless.

catkins

nickyhutch wrote: »

And this affects you how? Me having been married twice, my OH twice, my Mum twice, my Dad 4 times, my ex 3 times - how does this affect you exactly?

Thankfully it does not affect me. It is however a sad reflection of society in this country. Marriage should be taken more seriously especially if there are children. I know enough adults with trust issues and other problems due to their parents divorcing (sometimes more than once).

Also if you can't make 2 or 3 marriages work why keep getting married, just makes a mockery of marriage.

Your parents' attitutude to marriage must have affected your views on marriage. My parents have been married once - for almost 60 years, I have been married once for over 30 years, my sister has been married once for over 30 years, my brother has been married once for over 30 years

nickyhutch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Twice starts to look like carelessness:eek:

How very droll.



A lot of people are horrified by a matter-of-fact, seemingly casual approach to adultery.


Horrified? That's a little extreme. You can just tut at me, mutter "harlot" under your breath and ignore me, if you're horrified.

red doe I think people are continuing to reiterate their opinions because the opposite viewpoint is also being repeated.

As I said pages ago, this is all just opinion. No-one here is going to change mine and I'm not trying to change anyone else's or defend my stance. I think the "anti" team has become the most unpleasant in their comments.

nickyhutch

euronorris wrote: »

No, she shouldn't have had to put with it. But the solution was not an affair either, was it? The solution was to try and resolve things, and once it was obvious it wasn't possible, then walk.

And eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth and the whole world ends up blind and toothless.

In an ideal and perfect world, yes, to walk would be the right thing, but it's not ideal and perfect, is it, and neither are people.

nickyhutch

catkins wrote: »

Thankfully it does not affect me. It is however a sad reflection of society in this country. Marriage should be taken more seriously especially if there are children. I know enough adults with trust issues and other problems due to their parents divorcing (sometimes more than once).

Also if you can't make 2 or 3 marriages work why keep getting married, just makes a mockery of marriage.

Your parents' attitutude to marriage must have affected your views on marriage. My parents have been married once - for almost 60 years, I have been married once for over 30 years, my sister has been married once for over 30 years, my brother has been married once for over 30 years

My parents' attitudes generally have affected my views on people, too. They made me compassionate and understanding and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, and not to pull them to bits because they do something I don't agree with or approve of.

euronorris

nickyhutch wrote: »

In an ideal and perfect world, yes, to walk would be the right thing, but it's not ideal and perfect, is it, and neither are people.

I know, but that wasn't the point we were discussing. It was whether or not the affair was justified. Which it wasn't.

I think the problem we're having here is that a lot of people are talking about affairs they had, or were involved in, with no sign of remorse. I accept that people f'ck up, and make bad choices, but this doesn't mean that no apology, remorse, or sympathy for the hurt party(ies) is required.

BugglyB

I do wonder whether this thread has perhaps run its course now

nickyhutch

euronorris wrote: »

I know, but that wasn't the point we were discussing. It was whether or not the affair was justified. Which it wasn't.

I think the problem we're having here is that a lot of people are talking about affairs they had, or were involved in, with no sign of remorse. I accept that people f'ck up, and make bad choices, but this doesn't mean that no apology, remorse, or sympathy for the hurt party(ies) is required.

If we need to apologise, it's not to you or anyone on here, though, is it? We're having a discussion, not a cleansing confessional.