Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

erdd2

catkins wrote: »

No, that's why so many people have affairs, so many people do not work at their marriages, so many people have 2, 3, 4 or more marriages, so many children have their lives upset

And so many people cannot work to save a marriage with a serial adulterer or dead spouse. :eek: so may not fall into the category of those having affairs, but contributing to the number of multiple marriages.

nickyhutch

VestanPance wrote: »

You argue that a person doing something once doesn't mean they'll do it again. You shacked up with one married man, and then dumped him to shack up with another.

I didn't "dump" him (read back before you start slating me), and I didn't meet my now OH until more than 2 years later.

neverdespairgirl

nickyhutch wrote: »

That old chestnut. He "will" do the same? Absolutely definitely? My first husband left his wife for me and didn't cheat on me in 12 years. My second one has been here 8 years and hasn't.

Blimey - so you did it twice!

nickyhutch

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Blimey - so you did it twice!

Nothing gets past you does it?!

My ex and my OH are the ones who cheated and broke vows. not me.

Red_Doe

I think a few of the posters in the thread intent on vilifying anyone who`s ever had an affair are of the old fashioned "Burn the witch!" variety you will see in any small (minded) community in any era of human civilisation.
Because to state your opinions and objections once, ensuring they are heard and taken into consideration, is absolutely fine. But to repeatedly beat someone around the head with them like a dog shaking a dead rabbit in it`s jaws is a tad obsessive.
Most people enter into marriage fully intending it to last a lifetime. Then life itself happens, people become unhappy and it just doesn`t last or work, and humans often don`t have the courage to put things straight. The one thing I agree with many posters here is that the onus should really be on the man involved in this case, to put an end to his marriage or the affair, but of course he isn`t around here for some posters to harangue. So the woman here gets the brunt of it.
Reading some of the comments, I`m wondering if, in their daily lives, the holier than thou posters come into contact, unknowingly, with women or men who have been the mistresses and adulterers or who still may be, yet are friends with them or like them. And would their attitude to those people change if they knew they might be talking to such people?
Even when I found out about my ex`s four year affair, I didn`t jump on a moral high horse...I`m too pragmatic and down to earth for that. What bothered me was knowing that, had I known earlier, we both could have gone our seperate ways a great deal sooner and saved one another a lot of pain.
I didn`t even blame `the other woman`, knowing absolutely fine what she saw in my ex and how promising a future with him would have looked, rightly or wrongly.
Maybe those posters here intent on giving this woman here a hard time might be concerned that they are starting to appear obsessive, then again maybe not. I do think it`s incredible that on an internet forum, where they haven`t even met anyone concerned, such an issue should gnaw at them as it so obviously does.

lostinrates

Red_Doe wrote: »

Reading some of the comments, I`m wondering if, in their daily lives, the holier than thou posters come into contact, unknowingly, with women or men who have been the mistresses and adulterers or who still may be, yet are friends with them or like them. And would their attitude to those people change if they knew they might be talking to such people?

In her first year on leaving uni my best friend had an affair with her married employer. Unsurprisingly, given we were best friends she told me about it. I suggestted firstly, that as a committed Catholic (her not me!) she take further counsel from her priest. Then I suggestted she find another job, because even without an affair sleeping with you boss can get icky. Then, I said, even though we'd both met his wife and could see things were not great, I suggested she step out of the situation and tell him she'd be there for him when he left her. (she later found out her job had become available several times over the years as the women he'd employed gave up on the affairs).


I continued to invite her to stuff as a single...she is my best friend, I love her, and her ''wrong'' actions to not make an evil person, just someone doing something wrong. Sadly, this seemed to set a pattern in her life of wanting unavailable men. I told her the next time (within a few months of the previous one) that I found it was starting to impact on the way I thought about her in other respects. Obviously, it wasn't welcome news, but in retrospect she agrees it was a pretty unpleasant period of her life. She was thought of very badly in a small, gossipy industry as a result of failures in discretion as much as for the affairs.


A decade on, she's started and is successful in a new career, and I sincerely hope that she finds someone with whom to have a meaningful long term/life partnership with. We have a good friendship dispite, or perhaps because, we tell each other the truth about what we think of the other's choices in life (e.g. she thought be being in open relationships was dreadful and dangerous, and also hated my second partner....she was right there!), but continue a friendship ''around'' those choices and not making the other person compromise.

Everyone does ''wrong things'' at some time. You can like a person, love them, and know they aren't perfect.

I don't know how I'd feel about it with other people. I know when I've watched friend's of my mother's having affairs my opinion of them has fallen, and I feel uncomfortable around their children (my peers and friends) because I feel comprimised by the knowledge of their affair...and I've hated that and not known what to do. I know of a handful of women in this situation.

edit: i think there would come a point, on further thought, where it would become more of an issue with my best friend. I have to say, I'd feel a bit deflated if it happened again now, having lost so much before. I also think she'd probably want to lessen contact with me though.....e.g. it can't be nice to not have your friend invite your ''boyfriend'' to things and after a while I think it likely that it will be too galling to continue.

Unlike her, I'm not religious, I just don't like being a part of more bad things than I stumble into myself. Sometimes, in our society..which never the less is a pretty good one, it feel that this is cutting off one's nose to spite one's face....and I will NEVER be anything like perfect. Things like issues with friend over this, its hard to see in the moments what is right way to ''deal with it''. I'm sure I even get trying to live ''right'' wrong. But honestly, all you can do is try to get it right and admit and do best to make ammends when you get it wrong.

as has been said before OP doesn't come across as ''evil'' or ''mean''. I do think what she is doing now is wrong. If I were her friend I'd be saying the same and then trying to avoid talking about it so that I could be there for her in other ways. (I think).

POPPYOSCAR

CH27 wrote: »

But by letting the affair continue you clearly spell out your lack of care, remorse & fairness.
That speaks volumes about you.

And some of the nasty attacking posts on here speak volumes about the posters.

POPPYOSCAR

VestanPance wrote: »

Nobody should get married unless they think it's for life. You seem to think it's absurd that people could be partners for life, which makes a mockery of your marriage.

As I have said before on this thread. My poor dad took his marriage vows seriously and led a miserable life with my mother.He would never have divorced her.It would have been unheard of and completely against their religion.

I would not live my life like he did.

gratefulforhelp_2

purpletoenails wrote: »

Not every human being can be as perfect as you seem to be, we are mostly fallible and do things sometimes that we might regret or not be very proud of. Perhaps you should start showing some kindness and compassion to us lesser mortals?

You can't change what you have done we are all sinners to a greater or lesser degree.
What you can change, though, is what you choose to do now.

nickyhutch wrote: »

That old chestnut. He "will" do the same? Absolutely definitely? My first husband left his wife for me and didn't cheat on me in 12 years. My second one has been here 8 years and hasn't.

Twice starts to look like carelessness:eek:

nickyhutch wrote: »

But what is exactly wrong with my attitude to marriage? How does it affect you directly? Why are you so bothered that I don't have the same standards as you? My Mum's been married 30 years now, by the way.

A lot of people are horrified by a matter-of-fact, seemingly casual approach to adultery.

red doe I think people are continuing to reiterate their opinions because the opposite viewpoint is also being repeated.

Red_Doe

red doe I think people are continuing to reiterate their opinions because the opposite viewpoint is also being repeated.

True enough. Sadly the original question seems to have been lost in the back and forth moral arguments over whether affairs are `right` or not.
Perhaps another thread on the morals of affairs would serve better, leaving this one for folks wanting to address the OP`s questions?