Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

gettingbackontrack

nickyhutch wrote: »

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

You have been.

Nobody's dismissing it as a bit of fun - quite the contrary, it's no fun for anyone involved and the OP is asking for advice, not to be pulled to bits by people who've been burned in similar situations previously.

So, as I said, the name calling is fine when it's YOU doing it. Hypocrisy. Oh, I think it's been treated as something quite normal and acceptable by certain posters on this thread. The OP not shown the slightest regard for the woman her lover promised to be faithful to or the children who are being lied to by their father. In fact, she thinks they're getting everything they want.

Presumably she knows that they don't want honesty and fidelity.

As for the line "no fun for anyone involved". The OP made the decision to become involved in this relationship, fully aware her lover was a married father. The wife or children didn't choose. She chose it for them. She can resolve this situation, they cannot.

purpletoenails

purpletoenails wrote: »

How likely is it that a married man would leave his wife for the 'other woman', How do I know if he's serious about me or just toying with me? I know he does love me, but that's not always enough is it?

I am really torn at the moment whether to let things carry on, or to walk away.

PT x

These were my original questions - I was not asking whether an affair was right or wrong

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

A great many people think an adulterous affair is nasty - especially one without a shred of remorse or conscience. How do you know I feel no remorse or have no conscience?

And a thread announcing that someone is a mistress who wonders whether she's getting enough from the relationship is bound to get pretty personal. I expect the lied-to wife and children would feel pretty personal if/when they found out they have been betrayed.

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

nickyhutch wrote: »

I was taught not to sleep with another woman's husband - then make light of it. I don't believe I am making light of it

Lies are always wrong and liars are not decent people.

erdd2

Ladies, ladies, when a comment is stated bluntly it is not wrong, dressing matters up in ribbons and lace is not in everyone's make up and vice verse re blunt...in debate, personality traits and passion will arise....we are after all individuals.

I shall run and duck now;)

gettingbackontrack

purpletoenails wrote: »

These were my original questions - I was not asking whether an affair was right or wrong
No, that's been my point. You don't seem to care if it's right or wrong. It's all about whether it's working for you.

How do you know I feel no remorse or have no conscience?
You've never shown any in all your posts on this thread. You've repeatedly said your lover and his wife sleep in separate rooms, that she and the children get everything they want, and that people wouldn't stray unless they were unhappy. You are justifying his adultery with you. That doesn't seem like a remorseful person to me.

You may be a nice person, I don't know, but what you're doing isn't nice. Do you honestly believe that it is? Do his children deserve this? Do you honestly believe there would not be tears, pain and deep, deep hurt if your affair is discovered. Do you care>

An honest, good person ends one relationship before starting another. He may love you, you may be perfect for each other, but deceit is wrong. And it is turning your love into something sordid and cheap. His children deserve better, and I suspect his wife does too.

Red_Doe

Haven`t posted in this thread but have been following it with interest. My ex had been having an affair with one of his mates wife for four years without me knowing about it. So you`d think I`d be taking sides, and not the OP`s. However, I`m long in the tooth and have seen enough of life to know that life rarely runs smoothly, that scenarios like the OP`s happen, have happened throughout all human history, and will no doubt continue to. I am one of those who believes that if you are attracted to someone but in a relationship already, end that relationship before getting involved again. Easier said than done sometimes but not impossible. But sometimes, life and love just doesn`t turn out that way. I`ve seen my share of close friends in similar situations and in spite of general consensus, yes, an affair can have a happy ending for the ones conducting it if they finally choose to make that commitment. Yes, wives/husbands will be hurt but that, sadly, is the way of things and happens everyday for other reasons too.
I think the fact the OP is questioning the state of things shows that perhaps some instinct is telling her she might be worried that commitment might never come her way. I`m not the OP and would behave differently but think if I were in her shoes, I would take a risk on providing an ultimatum....he choose who he wants to be with fulltime. I understand the reasons why she might not, but that`s what I`d do. I`d then know one way or the other. Sure, he chooses his wife and I`ll be hurt. And if he chooses me then I`d know his wife would be hurt...so I would live with that and take what happiness would be left in a life with my man.
I`ve actually known women who have spent a lifetime waiting for the man to make that choice, and reaching old age to find he never would. Not all of them felt their lives and loves had been wasted and some were glad to have had what they had. Some felt bitter and angry and that they had wasted what love they could offer whilst they felt young enough to enjoy giving and sharing it.
I guess what I`m saying is, we never know, because each of us is individual so our situations and emotions are particular to us. It`s always easy for others looking in to pass judgement...sadly, seems to be human nature to do so...but I don`t think some of the vitriol appearing in this thread is called for.
To answer the original question...then yes, an affair can end happily for the lovers concerned, but only if the one betraying their partner makes a firm commitment. And others will tell you they will always be prone to cheating, having done it once, but you know what? Cheating happens in so called `stable, happy` relationships where it`s never happened before as well. Plain fact is cheating can happen at any time to anyone and any person believing their partner will never cheat is imo, to be kind, being innocent and naive.

gratefulforhelp_2

purpletoenails wrote: »

I appreciate that you don't know me personally, but its not really right to judge someone's character based on one small aspect of their life. After all, if I was to judge some of the people who have posted on this thread, based purely on what they have written, then I might think they were quite unpleasant people.

For many of us, the fact that you are posting about your adultery is all we need to know about your character. This is a fact that I think you are missing, I'm not calling you names, but you seem oblivious that your conduct makes some people see you in a certain way.

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

A great many people think an adulterous affair is nasty - especially one without a shred of remorse or conscience.
And a thread announcing that someone is a mistress who wonders whether she's getting enough from the relationship is bound to get pretty personal. I expect the lied-to wife and children would feel pretty personal if/when they found out they have been betrayed.

It is.

nickyhutch wrote: »

Thinking an adulterous affair is nasty does not give a complete stranger the right to judge a person's whole life and personality on one aspect of it, and go on to make nasty, personal comments.

The wife would have a right to get personal - you don't. I think PTN has got the jist of what you think and has replied; you're not going to mellow towards her or agree with her, so why continue to post?

Everyone has an equal entitlement to post here, it is not appropriate to suggest someone doesn't just because you disagree with them.

purpletoenails

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

purpletoenails wrote: »

These were my original questions - I was not asking whether an affair was right or wrong
No, that's been my point. You don't seem to care if it's right or wrong. It's all about whether it's working for you. I have more than once agreed that affairs are not right, but that's a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. I'm in the situation, now I'm trying to deal with it.

How do you know I feel no remorse or have no conscience?
You've never shown any in all your posts on this thread. You've repeatedly said your lover and his wife sleep in separate rooms, that she and the children get everything they want, and that people wouldn't stray unless they were unhappy. You are justifying his adultery with you. That doesn't seem like a remorseful person to me. I don't think I've repeatedly said any of those things (I could be wrong, I don't have the inclination to go back and check at the moment) But I do believe that people don't have affairs outside of marriage with no good reason

You may be a nice person, I don't know, but what you're doing isn't nice. Do you honestly believe that it is? Do his children deserve this? Do you honestly believe there would not be tears, pain and deep, deep hurt if your affair is discovered. Do you care> Of course I care

An honest, good person ends one relationship before starting another. He may love you, you may be perfect for each other, but deceit is wrong. And it is turning your love into something sordid and cheap. His children deserve better, and I suspect his wife does too.

Yes I know deceit is wrong, and so does he, and we both feel guilty about what has happened. Neither of us are uncaring or unfeeling, even though you'll find that very hard to believe I'm sure!

CH27

purpletoenails wrote: »

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

Yes I know deceit is wrong, and so does he, and we both feel guilty about what has happened. Neither of us are uncaring or unfeeling, even though you'll find that very hard to believe I'm sure!

But not guilty enough to stop?

nickyhutch

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

nickyhutch wrote: »

So, as I said, the name calling is fine when it's YOU doing it. Hypocrisy. Oh, I think it's been treated as something quite normal and acceptable by certain posters on this thread. The OP not shown the slightest regard for the woman her lover promised to be faithful to or the children who are being lied to by their father. In fact, she thinks they're getting everything they want.

Presumably she knows that they don't want honesty and fidelity.

As for the line "no fun for anyone involved". The OP made the decision to become involved in this relationship, fully aware her lover was a married father. The wife or children didn't choose. She chose it for them. She can resolve this situation, they cannot.

Where did I call you a name?

nickyhutch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

For many of us, the fact that you are posting about your adultery is all we need to know about your character. It must be lovely to live in such a black and white world. All you need to know? So ANYTHING else she does in her life counts for nothing as far as you're concerned? This is a fact that I think you are missing, I'm not calling you names, but you seem oblivious that your conduct makes some people see you in a certain way. I think she's very aware of how her conduct makes you feel about her.



It is.



Everyone has an equal entitlement to post here, it is not appropriate to suggest someone doesn't just because you disagree with them.

I suggested nothing of the sort. I wondered why she was posting when she is getting nowhere other than very het up and making increasingly unpleasant remarks.