Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

layton55

Welshwoofs wrote: »

I read up to page 13 and got a bit depressed, but just wanted to make a couple of points.

1. Why is there always an assumption that if one person has an affair in a marriage they are either a) a serial cheat or b) they're a towering coward who can't be bothered to work on the relationship? It's absolutely possible for a marriage to go wrong but the couple stay together out of inertia...especially where children are involved. In know a couple of marriages where both sides of the partnership feel it is over in all but name, but they still live together for the sake of young children. In both the cases I know, there are separate bedrooms and no socialising other than family holidays...again for the sake of the kids. In both relationships things are actually amiable. In an age where finances are often stretched, if the break-down of a marriage is a equal and devoid of bad feeling it can make good sense to stay together until there is good reason to move on....for instance one of them finds a new relationship.

2. The old 'homewrecker' label, most usually applied where kids are involved. I'm the child of a 'broken home', as are many people these days, and if the split has been done without vindictiveness and both parents are responsible and fair about custody and visitation, there is absolutely no reason why the kids can't be happy. In fact I'd go further and say that it's far better to have 2 happy divorced parents than 2 unhappy parents suffering under the same roof for sake of you, their child.

3. Affairs never have a happy ending. Bilge. This statement always assumes that a) the partner being cheated upon was happy b) that the partner having the affair is incapable of staying faithful and c) that affairs are simply dalliances doomed to failure. My Mother had an affair with her boss when I was a kid. He was massively unhappy in his marriage but hadn't done anything about it because he knew it was going to get very messy financially. After one year of the affair my Mother told him that as he clearly hadn't made up his mind and couldn't offer her a stable relationship, she was moving one. One week later he left his wife and went to live with my Mother. They were married and they stayed married and happy for over 30 years - to the day he died in fact. Throughout all that time he'd tell anyone who was happy to listen that his previous marriage was a massive mistake and that my Mother was the love of his life.

I'd also add that in my previous relationship of 10 years I was cheated on, not once but a number of times. I don't hold any animosity whatsoever towards those women because, at the end of the day, they didn't cheat on me - he did.

There are just so many facets to these situations and I know affairs which have ended up with happy new relationships (including the cheated upon person realising at some point down the line when they'd met someone else that, despite the upset at the time, they were married to the 'wrong one'), and affairs where it was simply a case of the married person stringing someone along because they wanted the excitement of an affair but ultimately had no intention of leaving their spouse.

Op - ultimately you need to decide how much more you can take. I wouldn't give an ultimatum, I'd simply tell him when you get to that point that you have to move on because you want more from a relationship. If he sees his future with you, he'll go with you. If he doesn't, then you've got your resolution and you can move on yourself.

Good luck either way.

very refreshing to read this. i agree with you completely. every situation is different. some people just make mistakes - rightly or wrongly and that leads to a series of events that happen that believe it or not are sometimes not the best choices but can work out right. i believe people do the wrong things for the right reasons sometimes. that is life. you can't lable one person as a 'cheater forever' or a 'homewrecker' when circumstances aren't always defined as christian faith or marriage counsellors would have you believe.

it's sad but true that many people are in loveless marriages. life is too short - why do that to yourself, your partner and family if you aren't happy? stay in a marriage just because that's what the majority of society think you should? it's your life so choose you choice.

purpletoenails

Errata wrote: »

A marriage isn't a convenience to stick at for as long as it's convenient to do so.

I didn't say it was, but some people may find it more convenient to stay in a marriage than go through all the hassle of separating

poet123

nickyhutch wrote: »

You are being rude. I don't think we are any different from most couples.

For now? He's been here 8 years.

How can I trust someone who's lied, cheated and sneaked around? I know him better than you, so find it quite easy. Why shouldn't he be different now? Do people never change? He also trusts me, despite my having been a "leopard" in my past.

I am sorry if you think I was rude, I was merely stating my opinion, which I stand by.

For now? until circumstances present perhaps? People rarely change radically ime.

Bogof_Babe

layton55 wrote: »

it's sad but true that many people are in loveless marriages. life is too short - why do that to yourself, your partner and family if you aren't happy? stay in a marriage just because that's what the majority of society think you should? it's your life so choose you choice.

No-one is arguing that a marriage should have to be upheld until "death do us part". If they are unhappy that would be purgatory for all concerned.

However the point of this thread (which I know has been banged on about ad nauseum) is that in an unhappy marriage, the brave, unselfish, grown up thing to do is to end it officially and then move on.

No-one would criticize the OP and her "boyfriend" (of 50!) if they first made sure he was officially unattached, rather than the current arrangement where he seems to be enjoying the best of both worlds, at the expense of everyone else.

nickyhutch

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

No-one is arguing that a marriage should have to be upheld until "death do us part". If they are unhappy that would be purgatory for all concerned.

However the point of this thread (which I know has been banged on about ad nauseum) is that in an unhappy marriage, the brave, unselfish, grown up thing to do is to end it officially and then move on.

No-one would criticize the OP and her "boyfriend" (of 50!) if they first made sure he was officially unattached, rather than the current arrangement where he seems to be enjoying the best of both worlds, at the expense of everyone else.

But not everyone can be brave, unselfish and grown up all the time; we're not all perfect, we make mistakes, bad choices. It's not a crime to be selfish, uncourageous and childish. Of course it's better if we're not, but I think most people have been at least one of those things at least once in their lives.

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

I am sorry if you think I was rude, I was merely stating my opinion, which I stand by.

For now? until circumstances present perhaps? People rarely change radically ime.

Why don't you just come out and say "I think your husband will cheat on you"?

In your experience? Fair enough. In MY experience, they do.

layton55

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

No-one is arguing that a marriage should have to be upheld until "death do us part". If they are unhappy that would be purgatory for all concerned.

However the point of this thread (which I know has been banged on about ad nauseum) is that in an unhappy marriage, the brave, unselfish, grown up thing to do is to end it officially and then move on.

No-one would criticize the OP and her "boyfriend" (of 50!) if they first made sure he was officially unattached, rather than the current arrangement where he seems to be enjoying the best of both worlds, at the expense of everyone else.

i totally agree. which is why we ended our affair and i told him to seek marriage counselling. if that still didn't work, then and only then could we think about starting anything. finish something before you start something else so to speak! so....i'm not justifying 'affairs' or cheating, just saying that unfortunately !!!! happens because people get confused/scared/whatever the reason - doesn't make them all the same 'cheating !!!!!!!s' people tend to label them with.

Bogof_Babe

Another thing (then I'm going to bed lol) is that if someone starts another relationship while still in the first one, doesn't that cloud the issue of how "unhappy" they actually are? Might it be that the excitement of the new distorts their feelings about the old?

Again it gets back to if you are sufficiently unhappy to be unable to stay in your marriage then get out of it. Once you start playing one off against the other, you may magnify the perceived marital problems in order to justify your actions.

No-one ever wants to think of themself as anything less than moral, so it is natural to look for reasons why the partner they had been happy with for many years is suddenly not good enough. It's the old greener grass thing.

VestanPance

It's a black and white situation, having an affiar is wrong. There is no circumstance that makes it ok. If these people are not sharing their issues with their partner and working to resolve them then that is showing a massive character flaw, and in having an affiar an even greater and vile trait has been shown.

A decision is made to betray, cheat, lie to the person they made a commitment to. It's a cold act that has nothing to do with anything other than their character.

POPPYOSCAR

[QUOTE=VestanPance;45673236]It's a black and white situation[/B], having an affiar is wrong. There is no circumstance that makes it ok. If these people are not sharing their issues with their partner and working to resolve them then that is showing a massive character flaw, and in having an affiar an even greater and vile trait has been shown.

A decision is made to betray, cheat, lie to the person they made a commitment to. It's a cold act that has nothing to do with anything other than their character.[/QUOTE]


Obviously it is to you but not to me. I have come to the conclusion
that nothing is black and white in life.