Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Welshwoofs

I read up to page 13 and got a bit depressed, but just wanted to make a couple of points.

1. Why is there always an assumption that if one person has an affair in a marriage they are either a) a serial cheat or b) they're a towering coward who can't be bothered to work on the relationship? It's absolutely possible for a marriage to go wrong but the couple stay together out of inertia...especially where children are involved. In know a couple of marriages where both sides of the partnership feel it is over in all but name, but they still live together for the sake of young children. In both the cases I know, there are separate bedrooms and no socialising other than family holidays...again for the sake of the kids. In both relationships things are actually amiable. In an age where finances are often stretched, if the break-down of a marriage is a equal and devoid of bad feeling it can make good sense to stay together until there is good reason to move on....for instance one of them finds a new relationship.

2. The old 'homewrecker' label, most usually applied where kids are involved. I'm the child of a 'broken home', as are many people these days, and if the split has been done without vindictiveness and both parents are responsible and fair about custody and visitation, there is absolutely no reason why the kids can't be happy. In fact I'd go further and say that it's far better to have 2 happy divorced parents than 2 unhappy parents suffering under the same roof for sake of you, their child.

3. Affairs never have a happy ending. Bilge. This statement always assumes that a) the partner being cheated upon was happy b) that the partner having the affair is incapable of staying faithful and c) that affairs are simply dalliances doomed to failure. My Mother had an affair with her boss when I was a kid. He was massively unhappy in his marriage but hadn't done anything about it because he knew it was going to get very messy financially. After one year of the affair my Mother told him that as he clearly hadn't made up his mind and couldn't offer her a stable relationship, she was moving one. One week later he left his wife and went to live with my Mother. They were married and they stayed married and happy for over 30 years - to the day he died in fact. Throughout all that time he'd tell anyone who was happy to listen that his previous marriage was a massive mistake and that my Mother was the love of his life.

I'd also add that in my previous relationship of 10 years I was cheated on, not once but a number of times. I don't hold any animosity whatsoever towards those women because, at the end of the day, they didn't cheat on me - he did.

There are just so many facets to these situations and I know affairs which have ended up with happy new relationships (including the cheated upon person realising at some point down the line when they'd met someone else that, despite the upset at the time, they were married to the 'wrong one'), and affairs where it was simply a case of the married person stringing someone along because they wanted the excitement of an affair but ultimately had no intention of leaving their spouse.

Op - ultimately you need to decide how much more you can take. I wouldn't give an ultimatum, I'd simply tell him when you get to that point that you have to move on because you want more from a relationship. If he sees his future with you, he'll go with you. If he doesn't, then you've got your resolution and you can move on yourself.

Good luck either way.

Bogof_Babe

euronorris wrote: »

Fair do's. And this topic has been done to death now.

Is it the weekend yet? Oh...no...still another 2.5 hours to go.

What time does the weekend start in the Netherlands?

nickyhutch wrote: »

It has, hasn't it?! People will have many and varied opinions about the subject because of their own experiences and how they affected them, and wont ever agree. No need for anyone to fight though!

I think it has been a remarkably civilized discussion. Wouldn't have been like that on DT!

Experimenting with multiquote on phone, here goes...

Oops not quite. Trying to edit...


I hope purpletoenails can make the decision that's right for her.[/QUOTE]

euronorris

In t-minus 42 minutes. We're an hour ahead of the UK and I finish work at 5.30pm

Bogof_Babe

euronorris wrote: »

In t-minus 42 minutes. We're an hour ahead of the UK and I finish work at 5.30pm

Oh I see . Silly me was thinking you meant midnight!

janninew

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

What time does the weekend start in the Netherlands?



I think it has been a remarkably civilized discussion. Wouldn't have been like that on DT!

Experimenting with multiquote on phone, here goes...

Oops not quite. Trying to edit...


I hope purpletoenails can make the decision that's right for her.

[/QUOTE]

At times I don't think its been that civilized, a few posters calling the OP a bad mum because she is having an affair were out of order in my opinion, but its such an emotive subject that lots of people can relate to, that it was bound to happen. I feel that some posters have taken their anger out on the OP that I think they would like to have directed at the people who hurt them.

neverdespairgirl

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

[/B]



Whilst no doubt there are those people that are 'serial' cheaters not everyone is like that.

I know of people who have cheated and then married the person they had the affair with.They are happy and have no 'void' in them.

You cannot tar everyone with the same brush.

I started by saying:

I agree that cheating once doesn't mean cheating always.

But I stand by the statement that it's a serious warning sign. If someone was stealing regularly for 2.5 years, I'd be a lot less inclined to think them honest.

neverdespairgirl

nickyhutch wrote: »

Mindset? No, it's a set of circumstances that makes someone cheat, and if that set doesn't crop up again, they wont necessarily cheat again.

Circumstances don't "make" someone cheat. It's always a choice. A bloke doesn't accidentally fall over and end up shagging someone, does he? Or a woman, either!

a1969baby

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I think that is a very good question.

I doubt a lot of people who get married see it in those terms.

Perhaps there should be some sort of 'classes' you should have to go to before you can get married explaining the legality of it all.

After all, it might be a 'contract' but there are not any actual 'penalty' clauses as such for those that want to extract themselves from the contract.

Thanks for the replies to my question. I've never thought of it as a legally binding contract before - after all you can't be arrested, or fined or imprisoned or in any other way punished for breaking your marriage vows. I actually got married really young and it was 19 years from splitting up that I got my divorce through! During these years I had other relationships and a child. Didn't even occur to me that I was doing anything 'illegal'!

It's nice to see a couple more balanced replies trickling through on the thread.

nickyhutch

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Circumstances don't "make" someone cheat. It's always a choice. A bloke doesn't accidentally fall over and end up shagging someone, does he? Or a woman, either!

No, they might lead to a man or woman choosing to cheat - yes, I know, CHOOSE, but without those circumstances they might not ever make that choice.

gratefulforhelp_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

:rotfl: LOL, easy to say.
You'd be surprised how many upright, honest, blokes, who you know, have had affairs.

By definition, then, they are not honest.

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

[/B]
Yes, I am aware of that although not sure if they still do that.
But I think anyone contemplating marriage should have to by law attend a civil type class aimed at ensuring they understand the 'contract' they are entering into.
Far too many marriages seem to me to be about 'the day' and little else.Who can have the best venue, nicest dress and biggest party etc!

Some Churches still do. And I completely agree.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Not really, blokes that you think are honest, but that have affairs.
Or do you think everyone who you think is honest has never had an affair?
The world doesn't work like that.

If I think a man to be honest and I find out he has committed adultery then he has proved me wrong.

Also true for women, of course.