Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

VestanPance

It's not circumstance, it's mindset.

If you have issues with your current partner either work to resolve those or leave. It takes a certain mindset to think that the appropriate action to take is to have an affair.

When I was with my ex I had numerous 'offers' and refused each one easily. Had I been unhappy I would have sorted that with my partner one way or another without going after another. It's all to do with your morals, mindset and attitude and nothing what so ever to do with circumstance.

euronorris

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Interesting question regarding 'affairs' during separation.Technically speaking as you are still married surely you are still breaking the marriage contract?

I think it depends on each individual couple.

If they are separated, are not trying to mend things, and have no intention of doing so. ie, they are in the process of working out a divorce etc, then any new relationship is fine in my eyes. As both parties have effectively said goodbye to the marriage anyway.

If, however, they are separated and taking some space whilst they work on their marriage and are trying to fix things, then other relationships are still a no-no.

euronorris

nickyhutch wrote: »

Mindset? No, it's a set of circumstances that makes someone cheat, and if that set doesn't crop up again, they wont necessarily cheat again.

Sorry, I disagree with that entirely! It completely removes all personal responsibility.

Mindset absolutely DOES come into it. Otherwise, anyone and everyone who found themselves in the same situation would be certain to cheat.

And that certainly doesn't happened. I've been in a relationship where I was the one putting in all the effort, and getting nothing in return, and had some nice guys chat me up. I could've gone off with any one of them, but I chose not to.

Hugbubble

I haven't had a chance to read through 51 pages of posts, but I have to say that the tone of some of the replies has been awfully judgemental.

I've have been a cheater- once. I left my husband for the other person, and we are still happy 8 years later. I've never cheated since.

Similarly, a friend of mine cheated, ending up leaving her civil partner for another woman and has not cheated since.

In both cases, the original relationship was flawed (and there were no children involved).

I say don't judge someone unless you've been in that situation. It's too easy to take the moral high ground when you've not been there.



All that said, in response to the OP, I do think a 2 and a half year affair is unlikely to result in him leaving his wife. You come to a point in an affair- at most a few months in- when you have to decide what you want, and he has decided he is happy to continue with the status quo for as long as he can get away with it.

euronorris

nickyhutch wrote: »

Mindset? No, it's a set of circumstances that makes someone cheat, and if that set doesn't crop up again, they wont necessarily cheat again.

Also, let's just say, for argument's sake that it was only about circumstances. That person would absolutely then cheat again, when confronted with the same situation in a new relationship, no?

The only thing that would have changed, is the person they are supposedly committed too. And if they are unaware that their partner is unhappy, then they wouldn't be addressing the underlying issues anymore than the cheater, so the same situation would happen again.

Mindset, and how people deal/cope with different situations is absolutely part of it. Which is exactly why I've encouraged the OP to address the underlying issues which have led her to form this relationship with a married man and accept being 2nd best in his life. Actually, because of the kids, she's probably 3rd or 4th best.

nickyhutch

euronorris wrote: »

Sorry, I disagree with that entirely! It completely removes all personal responsibility.

Mindset absolutely DOES come into it. Otherwise, anyone and everyone who found themselves in the same situation would be certain to cheat.

And that certainly doesn't happened. I've been in a relationship where I was the one putting in all the effort, and getting nothing in return, and had some nice guys chat me up. I could've gone off with any one of them, but I chose not to.

It's ok, we're allowed to disagree - life's rich rich tapestry, and all that

euronorris

nickyhutch wrote: »

It's ok, we're allowed to disagree - life's rich rich tapestry, and all that

Fair do's. And this topic has been done to death now.

Is it the weekend yet? Oh...no...still another 2.5 hours to go.

nickyhutch

euronorris wrote: »

Also, let's just say, for argument's sake that it was only about circumstances. That person would absolutely then cheat again, when confronted with the same situation in a new relationship, no? Well, maybe, because it's the same circumstances again.

The only thing that would have changed, is the person they are supposedly committed too. And if they are unaware that their partner is unhappy, then they wouldn't be addressing the underlying issues anymore than the cheater, so the same situation would happen again.

Mindset, and how people deal/cope with different situations is absolutely part of it. Which is exactly why I've encouraged the OP to address the underlying issues which have led her to form this relationship with a married man and accept being 2nd best in his life. Actually, because of the kids, she's probably 3rd or 4th best.

I see what you mean. Some people don't react to the same set of circumstances by having an affair, so mindset has to be some of it.

nickyhutch

euronorris wrote: »

Fair do's. And this topic has been done to death now.

Is it the weekend yet? Oh...no...still another 2.5 hours to go.

It has, hasn't it?! People will have many and varied opinions about the subject because of their own experiences and how they affected them, and wont ever agree. No need for anyone to fight though!

I hope purpletoenails can make the decision that's right for her.

clearingout

surely one of the issues with affairs is that you are setting yourself up in another relationship prior to leaving one which is unsatisfactory, right? And as such, you're not actually looking at the reasons it is unsatisfactory, dealing with them, working them through. It is THIS that you carry into the new relationship and this, I believe, is what makes the affair relationship highly likely to fail. Affairs don't happen out of context. People don't engage in them, long term, if they are getting what they need from their marriage. But what they need to do is look at their marriage and decide what needs fixing and whether or not it's worth trying to fix it. Not fix it by slotting in a new person who, on the surface at least, seems to meet all those needs because let's face it, the original spouse probably met those needs at some point or you wouldn't have married him/her!

Setting up a new relationship allows a person to pass the buck. It allows them to think 'I'm OK 'cos more than one person wants me' and of the spouse they are leaving 'you're not OK, cos someone like me who has all these people wanting them doesn't want YOU'. It allows a seamless transition to a new life without ever actually tackling what might have gone wrong in the old one. I have come a long way emotionally since my ex left me - at the beginning I'd have said our marriage was great but I now know it wasn't. It took a lot of work to get to that point! I have learnt a lot about myself in the process - good and bad. I am a better person as a result and I believe I will be a far better future partner for someone than I was for my ex. He, by contrast, keeps his head firmly buried in the sand, repeats ad infinitum that it's all my fault and he's OK and a nice guy....not learnt a flippin' thing!