Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Bogof_Babe

a1969baby wrote: »

Thanks for the replies to my question. I've never thought of it as a legally binding contract before - after all you can't be arrested, or fined or imprisoned or in any other way punished for breaking your marriage vows. I actually got married really young and it was 19 years from splitting up that I got my divorce through! During these years I had other relationships and a child. Didn't even occur to me that I was doing anything 'illegal'!

It's nice to see a couple more balanced replies trickling through on the thread.

You can if you go in for bigamy. That's because marriage is supposed to be to one person at a time!

poet123

nickyhutch wrote: »

We're not talking about judging, though - you were just talking about whether someone is likely to cheat or not. There is always a first time (and sometimes it's the only time).

Mindset? No, it's a set of circumstances that makes someone cheat, and if that set doesn't crop up again, they wont necessarily cheat again.

I think that if they have shown they can cheat once, the likelihood is higher that they will cheat again if circumstances present the opportunity.

A "set of circumstances" implies that they have no free will. I think those who have done it, or live with someone who has done it have to think that leopards can change their spots to get on with life, to live normally without second guessing their partner or expecting to be second guessed themselves.

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

I think that if they have shown they can cheat once, the likelihood is higher that they will cheat again if circumstances present the opportunity.

A "set of circumstances" implies that they have no free will. That's not how I meant it to read. I meant a set of circumstances that may lead someone to cheat.

I think those who have done it, or live with someone who has done it have to think that leopards can change their spots to get on with life, to live normally without second guessing their partner or expecting to be second guessed themselves.

Really, that's not how I live, and I'm not some naive little woman.

Bogof_Babe

Isn't it a statistic that a higher proportion of second marriages fail than first marriages? Not sure of the figures but I'm sure I've heard this somewhere.

Of course it could be due to all sorts of reasons, but my money would be on leopards not changing their spots. Also, once they've exited from a partnership once, it probably isn't so daunting to throw in the towel a second time.

poet123

There are two choices for those who have cheated or who live with someone who has done so. They are either overly watchful as they know deep down leopards rarely change their spots or they go the other route and make themselves believe they are different, their relationship is different.

Just today, the long term partner of a friend of a friend found out his girlfriend has been having an affair for several years. He won't see the irony that she was previously doing the same with him, and he was doing likewise to his wife. If it is in you to do it, you rationalise it, make it acceptable, cite circumstance.

The truth is it is sometimes the easy way out and always the cowards way. Marriages end, no one wants two unhappy, incompatible people to be together in misery, but there is a right way of doing it.

clearingout

Yes, I agree. It takes far more courage to face someone and tell them you no longer love them than walk away with a.n.other on your arm without so much as a backward glance.

Errata

poet123 wrote: »

Marriages end, no one wants two unhappy, incompatible people to be together in misery, but there is a right way of doing it.

Funny how many don't leave until something better comes along, despite unhappiness, incompatibility and misery.

nickyhutch

poet123 wrote: »

There are two choices for those who have cheated or who live with someone who has done so. They are either overly watchful as they know deep down leopards rarely change their spots or they go the other route and make themselves believe they are different, their relationship is different.

Or the third way - actually trust your partner and believe in them?

I haven't "made myself believe" that I trust my partner - I do trust him.

Bogof_Babe

Conversely, I wonder how many affairs carry on because the married party is too cowardly to break it off. Especially if the affair partner starts getting heavy with threats to tell all if they are dumped.

Bogof_Babe

nickyhutch wrote: »

Or the third way - actually trust your partner and believe in them?

I haven't "made myself believe" that I trust my partner - I do trust him.

I wonder if his first wife did.