Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

neverdespairgirl

nickyhutch wrote: »

Those of you saying the unhappy person should end the relationship before starting another - are you saying that the divorce should be finalised, or just that he/she should leave his/her husband wife?

For me, the legalities don't matter as much as the facts - everyone should know where he stands.

nickyhutch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Also, IMHO, and I know a LOT of people disagree with this, though the emotions may be the same in a committed relationship without marriage, the moral issues are a little different.

You mean it's not quite as bad morally if it's "just" a long-term relationship that's being wrecked? If my OH hadn't been married, had just been with her for 17 years, had 2 kids with her, but hadn't married her, I wouldn't be as morally deficient?

I think I understand you a bit better from your posts today.

POPPYOSCAR

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Obviously if one partner is being abused, then there is a completely good reason to leave, but it is a long way from abuse to

[COLOR=purple]"I'm not so happy this year, and its a bit boring, spark has gone so I'm entitled to stray".[/COLOR]

Also, IMHO, and I know a LOT of people disagree with this, though the emotions may be the same in a committed relationship without marriage, the moral issues are a little different.

I don't think many people would countenance an affair in those circumstances.


Could you explain why you think the moral issues are a little different?

erdd2

nickyhutch wrote: »

Those of you saying the unhappy person should end the relationship before starting another - are you saying that the divorce should be finalised, or just that he/she should leave his/her husband wife?

I am one of those suggesting end the relationship and by no means suggesting this be at divorce's end, our divorce took 10 years :eek:) !!
I don't however suggest end the relationship if avenues to resolve have not been explored first, if that's a possibility. That is, I don't advocate the "I am unhappy, I am off! but I am passionate that childrens best interests are priority.

I respect its a tricky topic and we do not live perfect in a perfect world.

I have seen so many complexities resulting from multiple relationships on the go, moving into new ones before kids (and parents) have had time to adjust, keeping the old one going for whatever reason and such like.

gratefulforhelp_2

nickyhutch wrote: »

You mean it's not quite as bad morally if it's "just" a long-term relationship that's being wrecked? If my OH hadn't been married, had just been with her for 17 years, had 2 kids with her, but hadn't married her, I wouldn't be as morally deficient?
I think I understand you a bit better from your posts today.

You have no hope of ever understanding me.

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I don't think many people would countenance an affair in those circumstances.
No, because by the time it is an affair, they have convinced themselves that things are really bad - it makes them feel better.

On the day the flirtation turns into something more, do you think people say "OOh I think I'll start an affair today"?

Could you explain why you think the moral issues are a little different?

To answer you both...

it is morally worse if there are children involved, married or not, since to choose to have children together, the majority will have agreed in some way to spend their lives together - and small people's lives are inevitably affected.

It is also (and I did say I was aware many would disagree) worse if there is a marriage - because the couple have vowed to spend their lives together, in the eyes of the law and also in many cases, God.

They haven't promised to stay with each other 'til something better comes along.

clearingout

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

They haven't promised to stay with each other 'til something better comes along.[/COLOR]

This made me smile. Very true. And I suspect in the majority of cases the 'something better', all things considered over a few months, years...rarely is any different, let alone better.

If I had a penny for every time I'd heard an ex (or heard of an ex) say that life really isn't any better for having left, I'd have no need to be chasing my ***&^%$£!! of an ex for child maintenance!

Errata

It is also (and I did say I was aware many would disagree) worse if there is a marriage - because the couple have vowed to spend their lives together, in the eyes of the law and also in many cases, God

I thought a civil ceremony married people, but with no part of it requiring them to spend the rest of their lives together. It's a legal undertaking, and the law doesn't give two hoots how long peeople choose to stay married.

nickyhutch

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

You have no hope of ever understanding me.

For goodness' sake. I understand your opinion better now that I have a (small) insight into your views on marriage. There's really no need to be quite so condescending. It's a discussion.



To answer you both...

it is morally worse if there are children involved, married or not, since to choose to have children together, the majority will have agreed in some way to spend their lives together - and small people's lives are inevitably affected.

It is also (and I did say I was aware many would disagree) worse if there is a marriage - because the couple have vowed to spend their lives together, in the eyes of the law and also in many cases, God.

They haven't promised to stay with each other 'til something better comes along.

I think you're right - many will disagree. You are basically saying that married people should stay together, no matter what, however unhappy they become.

nickyhutch

Maybe the marriage vows shouldn't go so far? Maybe they should say something along the lines of "I promise to love, cherish etc.etc. for as long as we make each other happy".

I've said previously on this thread that I don't think we're meant, as a species, to mate for life, and the marriage and divorce statistics would suggest that I'm not alone in thinking that.

KxMx

nickyhutch wrote: »

I think you're right - many will disagree. You are basically saying that married people should stay together, no matter what, however unhappy they become.

There is a WORLD of difference between a couple deciding to go their seperate ways, and one of that couple deciding to cheat on their spouse and their kids.

Trust me, my dad cheated, and he didn't just cheat on my Mum, he cheated on his children too.

If someone in unhappy in a relationship then they need to be a grown-up, sit down and talk to their spouse. Not go sh!!gging around instead.

You make it sound like the only reason people cheat is because they are unhappy in their marriage? I doubt very much that is the case. Some simply want to have their cake and eat it too!

IMO there is never a valid excuse or reason for cheating. I'm sure there are many who are unhappy for various reason who choose to remain faithful, or open about their unhappiness with their relationship, ie be grown-up and unselfish.

Cheating is a selfish and cowardly thing to do. If you want to be with someone else, leave the person you are with first!