Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

nickyhutch

KxMx wrote: »

There is a WORLD of difference between a couple deciding to go their seperate ways, and one of that couple deciding to cheat on their spouse and their kids. I know there is. grateful for help is saying that people shouldn't ever go their separate ways, cheating or not.

Trust me, my dad cheated, and he didn't just cheat on my Mum, he cheated on his children too. My Dad cheated too, on my Mum, not on me.

If someone in unhappy in a relationship then they need to be a grown-up, sit down and talk to their spouse. Not go sh!!gging around instead.

You make it sound like the only reason people cheat is because they are unhappy in their marriage? I doubt very much that is the case. Some simply want to have their cake and eat it too!

I don't think it is the case. Yes, they do. But if the cake they already have is a delicious cake, they're less likely to go looking for another one to eat. IMO, of course.

KxMx

Well i'm glad you weren't as badly hurt as I was by my Dad cheating. It learnt me a lesson, never to do that to anyone else in any way, shape or form. And with all the step family issues, i'm never going to be with anyone who already has kids (a shrinking pool I know!). Some manage the whole multiple family thing well, and sometimes it works out fine, but after my experiences, it's not for me.

Anyway, I am a bit OT! Just explaining where my views come from.

clearingout

nickyhutch wrote: »

I don't think it is the case. Yes, they do. But if the cake they already have is a delicious cake, they're less likely to go looking for another one to eat. IMO, of course.

Or indeed, if it's that good, who could resist the temptation of having more?!!!

seven-day-weekend

nickyhutch wrote: »

Those of you saying the unhappy person should end the relationship before starting another - are you saying that the divorce should be finalised, or just that he/she should leave his/her husband wife?

My own opinion is that the divorce should be finalised, or at least at decree nisi stage.

My sister married a divorced man. He showed her his divorce papers on their first date, so that she knew he was free to have a relationship with her.

If the divorce is not finalised, the person is still married.

seven-day-weekend

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Obviously if one partner is being abused, then there is a completely good reason to leave, but it is a long way from abuse to

"I'm not so happy this year, and its a bit boring, spark has gone so I'm entitled to stray".

Also, IMHO, and I know a LOT of people disagree with this, though the emotions may be the same in a committed relationship without marriage, the moral issues are a little different.

I agree with this post.

nickyhutch

KxMx wrote: »

Well i'm glad you weren't as badly hurt as I was by my Dad cheating. It learnt me a lesson, never to do that to anyone else in any way, shape or form. And with all the step family issues, i'm never going to be with anyone who already has kids (a shrinking pool I know!). Some manage the whole multiple family thing well, and sometimes it works out fine, but after my experiences, it's not for me.

Anyway, I am a bit OT! Just explaining where my views come from.

I was badly hurt, but now I'm an adult I understand better that people are weak, marriages fail, and nobody died. I love my Dad fiercely, and am grateful for my 2 brothers that I wouldn't otherwise have, who I love.

As for stepfamilies, although my OH and DS and I are a good stepfamily, the other side of it - OH's kids - is very problematic. I'm not sure if it's because of the step and divorce issues, or because SS16 is a particularly difficult/awkward character (OH says he was always like this, and I have to say he has been since I met him), or maybe both, but I wouldn't be going near a man with children ever again. Like you say, that pool is shrinking!

nickyhutch

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

My own opinion is that the divorce should be finalised, or at least at decree nisi stage.

My sister married a divorced man. He showed her his divorce papers on their first date, so that she knew he was free to have a relationship with her.

If the divorce is not finalised, the person is still married.

My divorce took about 3 years to work through. I should have had no relationships for those 3 years? I consider that to be taking the vows to the extreme.

Errata

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

My own opinion is that the divorce should be finalised, or at least at decree nisi stage.

.

I think that's pretty unrealistic. A marriage may have been on the rocks for a while before a couple separate. There may then be five years separation if one of the partners won't agree to a divorce. Following that, there may be a couple of years before either finds someone else. That could be 10 years out of someone's life with nobody of any significance in it.

gratefulforhelp_2

Errata wrote: »

I thought a civil ceremony married people, but with no part of it requiring them to spend the rest of their lives together. It's a legal undertaking, and the law doesn't give two hoots how long peeople choose to stay married.

I would have to look up the words to be sure. eta think you are quite right, unless the couple choose to say that.
Bit of a hassle though, having to check out what the guy said in his wedding vows and where he said them!!

nickyhutch wrote: »

I think you're right - many will disagree. You are basically saying that married people should stay together, no matter what, however unhappy they become.

Unless there are very strong mitigating factors, e.g. abuse, yes I am.

Was it you or someone else who mentioned a husband who was verbally abusing the children? Well if that was systematic then that would be a reason wouldn't it?

Welshwoofs

lostinrates wrote: »

fwiw, using a sham marriage situation isn't necessarily the most convincing argument to many that these situations can be ''moral''.

Well it wasn't me who got married. It'd be a cold day in hell before I ever tied the knot

The point of my post is that all this moral bombast about getting divorced before embarking on another relationship is just rot. People get married for all sorts of reasons these days..from the sham marriage (as my ex did), or because they're just a little bit dim and don't look beyond 'the big day', or because they rather stupidly believe that getting married will fix an already broken relationship (oh...and if that doesn't work then getting pregnant is always sure to work).

This Daily Mailesque fallacy that marriage is sacred is something straight out of fairy tales. It never has been. The only difference between now and 'the good old days' is that now divorce is socially acceptable so people do it...in the 'good old days' people simply kept a bad marriage together for outward appearances and did what they wanted behind the scenes.

Again...people really need to look beyond the black and white and into the shades of grey.