Is my husband an alcoholic?

meer53

OP, try and imagine yourself having to arrange the funeral of one, or possibly all, of your children. If that doesn't prompt you to do something to get this selfish moron off the road when he's been drinking, then nothing will. I'm sure there are lots of posters on the forum who would gladly do this for you if you can't bring yourself to do it, just let us know.

My friends husband crashed his car whilst 3 times over the limit, luckily no-one was involved but he was sent to prison. Your decision may soon be taken out of your hands, and the sooner the better. The next time he has a drink and gets in his car, you should call the police immediately. What you're doing is not acceptable, to anyone.

gravitytolls

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I know you are all right. I suppose I am a bit taken aback by the strength of the reaction but that's because I've allowed myself to accept that this is the way he is.

He would maintain that he's perfectly capable of driving when he's had 'one or two'. I know I need to tackle him calmly about this but I feel sick just thinking about doing this. What really really galls me is that there is no need for it. The pub is a few minutes walk away. His sister is a few miles away, I would happily drop him off and pick him up.

The thing about driving the next morning is also true - he often heads off on a long drive early on a Monday morning.

What I would say is that it's not that easy to just boot him out (there's no way I'm leaving this house). The kids, whatever I've said, would be devastated, at least the younger two would. The oldest has long since lost all respect for her father and has asked in bafflement why I married him.

Also, getting him done for drink driving would mean him losing his job and probably us losing this house. The children have lived here all their lives. I don't know how we would cope with this.

I know this is a very selfish view, I know I am a coward. I need to take a deep breath and look at what's important.

I'm finding this so hard, finally seeing what's obviously clear to everyone else from an outside standpoint.

It's not selfish, it;s natural. I know there are many who will disagree, but unless you've lived it, you don't know..... Always waiting for him to change, giving him another chance, you started marriage supporting one another, now you're faced with not only withdrawing that support, but effectively dropping him through the drawbridge ~ it just doesn't come naturally.

Not to mention, of course, that if your children ever found out you'd shopped their dad .......... Well, let's face it, no matter how much they may understand, he's still their dad, and you can't keep the thought that they may hate you out of your mind.

It's hard, it's tough, you can't do it alone. There is support available to you, from people who know what it's like, living with an addiction, please let others help you, it really will help, even if it's just to know you're not alone.

Savvy_Sue

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I have already told my children many times not to get into the car with him if he's been drinking, to phone me, but sometimes they forget or are not sure. I will re-iterate that message. I will also try to speak calmly to my husband and explain that I can no longer turn a blind eye to the drinking and driving and will report him if he does it again. I can predict what his reaction will be.

They are teenagers, ie old enough to hold a sensible conversation with. I'd be going along the lines of "you know I've told you not to get in the car with Dad if you know or think he's been drinking, but actually that's not really fair on you because Dad isn't always honest if you ask him and he gets upset. So why don't we just make it a rule that if you need a lift, you talk to me about it? That way you're not put in a difficult position."

I'd also consider getting the taxi account set up for your children.

NearlyHadEnough

gravitytolls wrote: »

It's not selfish, it;s natural. I know there are many who will disagree, but unless you've lived it, you don't know..... Always waiting for him to change, giving him another chance, you started marriage supporting one another, now you're faced with not only withdrawing that support, but effectively dropping him through the drawbridge ~ it just doesn't come naturally.

Not to mention, of course, that if your children ever found out you'd shopped their dad .......... Well, let's face it, no matter how much they may understand, he's still their dad, and you can't keep the thought that they may hate you out of your mind.

Thanks so much for this, you understand what's going on in my head.

The children have known no other house and no other place and they love it here. It's not a smart house, but it's ours. It may sound ridiculous but the children would think I was mad if I shopped their Dad to the police with all the consequences that would follow.

(And I KNOW that worse consequences could follow if he continues as he is, just saying, they would simply not understand my actions.)

NearlyHadEnough

make_me_wise wrote: »

Im sorry to be so blunt and this must be an awful situation for you. It seems to me that there has been years of emotional abuse and undermining inflicted on you by your husband. So much so that you doubt your judgement and the thought of tackling all this feels unsummountable.

I think you will be suprised at how much of a release and relief removing this destruction from your life will be. At the moment you are struggling and existing, not living the life you deserve. Only you can change that and make a happy future for yourself and the kids.

Thank you. You are right. Everyone who posted has been right but some of it was hard to hear!

I can't remember when I was last happy. I can't remember the last time I got up feeling full of optimism and enthusiasm for the day. Most nights I wake up in the small hours wondering how my life ended up like this. 4 o'clock in the morning is such a depressing time to be awake.

I think doing something will be a relief but I confess I'm still not sure what to do. I've always felt that leaving my husband would only make one person happier - me - and make four other people miserable. Seems unfair so I've always put the idea to one side.

NearlyHadEnough

By the way - the reason the children need so many lifts is that we live in a rural area. We are near main roads and a big city but far enough away to have to drive everywhere. There is no public transport worth speaking of and the roads themselves are dangerous, I would not want my kids cycling on them regularly (how ironic, I hear you all say).

We spend a great deal of time ferrying the children about to/from after-school activities, friends' houses, work, sports fixtures etc.

OH never drinks during a week day and not every weekday evening either. Daytime he is therefore fine to drive. It is the weekends, and when he's been to his sister's that he drinks and drives.

I am around all the time anyway as I work from home so there is no need for taxis, they just have to phone me. I've always made clear I will collect them any time, any place.

The irony is that my OH would go berserk if he thought my oldest (whose friends now all drive) might get into a car being driven by a drunken friend. She wouldn't of course, I never tire of drumming that into her. And none of her friends ever do it, they are all very sensible and plan taxis for nights out etc.

NearlyHadEnough

hippychick1 wrote: »

Hi
Your life sounds like mine 2 years ago! My husband denied he had a problem drinking, it was me who was a nag, me who had the problem, everyone drinks. I posted on here just as you have, and received fantastic advice that prompted me to finally leave.

I completely understand how you have 'ignored' this problem for so long. I honestly think it becomes the norm within your family that dad drinks, and you adapt your behaviours around it. I always made sure we bought beer when we were shopping, always knew that our tiny household budget must accommodate alcohol. I knew when he had had too much, so I'd go to bed early out of his way. I adapted mine and the children's lives around his.

Looking back now what an idiot I was!!!!!! I should have stood up to him much much sooner, but talking got us nowhere, he'd manage to turn it round onto me, we'd have a huge argument, maybe not talk the next day, then things would carry on as before. I honestly don't think he ever really thought he had a problem at all.

When I left I was terrified, my children were 6, 3 and 1. Once I did it though, all I felt was relief. I was finally in control of my own life!! I'm not saying the answer is to leave, but for me it was. My life is great now, and as far as I know, he still drinks excessively. We actually get on really well now, as we talk about the kids, and have a laugh together, but his problems are no longer my problems!!

Maybe leaving might bring him to his senses? Or maybe he'll start drinking more. Whatever happens, you are not responsible for him, he is a grown man who is capable of taking care of himself.

Feel free to PM me if you need to
xx

Thank you, hippychick1. I may take up people's offer of PMs when I've had a chance to digest everything. What you say about
adapting behaviours around the drinking is so familiar - we've all done that for years now.

I remember once some years ago trying to make arrangements about something that would be happening on a Sunday and I was discussing it with my sister on the phone. I remember her saying almost tentatively 'Couldn't (OH) NOT go to the pub for once?'. This possibility had never even occurred to me!

It's good to hear that you took action and come out the other side happy. It would be so lovely to get up in the morning without that sinking feeling.:(

Caroline_a

I've been there too. My ex did get done for drink driving - someone shopped him, and he lost his licence for 2 years and his job. I had to support the whole family, but it didnt stop him drinking. I also remember the 'walking on eggs' thing - my ex was very belligerent after a drink or several, and I could tell down to the half pint exactly how many he'd had. That in particular really annoyed him and he would deny it ('I'm tired', 'I think I'm coming down with something') etc etc.

I finally left him when I was ready, and it sounds as if you are too. Good luck, your life, and that of your children will be so much better. Houses are bricks and mortar, alcoholics will only change if they want to, but mums always have to be strong for their kids. Stay strong, and good luck!

NearlyHadEnough

*Louise* wrote: »

Seriously, I think you need to concentrate on making sure they NEVER get in the car with him, and come to you instead. It's not really fair to them to have to monitor if he has had a few before they get a lift.

No, it's not fair and he does get cross as well which is why I try to prevent the situation arising. It is always safe on a weekday. The danger times are when he's at his sisters (the kids might go with him) and weekends.

*Louise* wrote: »

I must say though, well done for facing things on here - a lot of posters would have disappeared because they didn't get the 'there there' response so many look for. You have accepted your part in things and it's good to hear you want to do something about it.

I look forward to hearing about your next step - you do have that strength, you just need to use it now

(((hugs)))

Thanks, I've cried a lot in the past 24 hours, the truth hurts. Trouble is, I've never confided in anyone, I keep it all bottled up. I've lost a lot of confidence in recent years, I agonise over the most trivial of decisions and even when I've made them, I continue to torture myself that I've made the wrong one. I worry about everything. I see a bleak future stretching before me.

Sorry, didn't mean to come out with all that! Of course everyone around here knows he 'likes a drink'. He's one of those people that's the life and soul, all jokes and hilarity, until he gets inside his own front door, he's not so funny then. I think people would be astonished at the Sunday afternoon routine.

I have a close friend who I might confide in. We live in a small community, the whole thing is deeply embarrassing but as I said, his fondness for drink has not gone unnoticed.

I know I need to move away from the 'this is embarrassing, I hope no-one finds out' stance to 'this is outrageous and must be stopped'.

NearlyHadEnough

Caroline_a wrote: »

I've been there too. My ex did get done for drink driving - someone shopped him, and he lost his licence for 2 years and his job. I had to support the whole family, but it didnt stop him drinking. I also remember the 'walking on eggs' thing - my ex was very belligerent after a drink or several, and I could tell down to the half pint exactly how many he'd had. That in particular really annoyed him and he would deny it ('I'm tired', 'I think I'm coming down with something') etc etc.

I finally left him when I was ready, and it sounds as if you are too. Good luck, your life, and that of your children will be so much better. Houses are bricks and mortar, alcoholics will only change if they want to, but mums always have to be strong for their kids. Stay strong, and good luck!

I wish someone would shop him and i don't want it to be me. There's the cowardice coming out again. I don't want to take responsibility.

I can tell from a quick glance how much my OH has had. It only takes me a millisecond to know if he's had a drink, he has a different way about him. It's relatively easy anyway because 'a pint' never is just one. I can read in his eyes whether he's had a small amount or a lot and of course as soon as he speaks, all is revealed.

Yours is another success story. I wonder if I'll be on here in two years time saying 'That was me, I left him and I've never been so happy'.