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Is my husband an alcoholic?
NearlyHadEnough
Posts: 34 Forumite
I'm a regular poster on some of the MSE forums under a different name. This problem is too personal and I so I'm posting under a new name. I apologise for the very long post but I wanted to explain things properly.
I'm feeling very down and not sure what to do. I think my husband is an alcoholic and whether he is or not I think our marriage is over. Actually, I think it was over years ago.
We've been married for 22 years and have 3 children, all now in their teens.
Firstly the drinking - he drinks a lot several times a week. Usually if he opens a bottle of wine he will drink the lot on his own. He does this especially if he has had 'a pint' on the way home from work (it's never just one pint, ever). On Sundays, he goes to the pub at lunchtime and stays between 2 and 3 hours. He is drunk to the point of slurring when he gets in. He will then drink a beer or two and a bottle of wine before passing out on the couch. I don't remember the last time he spent a Sunday sober.
He often drinks on a Friday night and a Saturday as well. He goes over to see his sister and they will happily knock back a bottle or two of wine together. This is a few miles away and he drives back knowing he's over the limit. He drinks and drives all the time, he doesn't seem to care. I have spent our entire time together trying to stop him from drinking and driving but he still does it and I've given up. He will drive with our children in the car, although he only does this occasionally because I've threatened to report him to the police myself.
On the worst occasion, he and his sister drank nearly 3 bottles of wine between them. He drove home with our youngest daughter in the car, drove erratically, rolled down the window to rant at someone and generally frightened the life out of her.
He also drinks on one or more nights during the week - he goes to the pub to 'see xxxxx' where xxxx is a friend or other. He often drives down even though it's only a few minutes walk and he will drive back, regardless of how much he's drunk.
I've broached the subject of his drinking many times and he says he doesn't drink too much and in any case it's my fault he drinks, I'm a nag, I don't love him, it's the last pleasure he has left in the world etc. I've long since given up mentioning it because there's no point and he ridicules me in front of other people if I even dare to suggest he might drink and drive.
Every family occasion and other going-out occasion for as long as I can remember, he has been drunk, usually to the point of being unable to remember much of it. On Sundays, the kids steer well clear of him because he is not a pleasant drunk and they are bored of his behaviour. They often check 'has Dad been drinking' before asking him something and they often throw their eyes up to heaven when he goes off on one of his drunken rants about something. If they know he is driving them home and ask him how much he's had to drink apparently they 'sound just like your mother'.
I hardly drink at all myself now, it disagrees with me and I don't like the smell of it. I hate it. I hate how stupid people can be when they're drunk, probably because he's such an a**hole when he's drunk. I never buy booze unless we have visitors staying and if I am given a bottle of wine as a thank-you, I hide it. No bottle of wine would last long in this house - we could never have a wine rack with lots of nice wine - he'd just keep on drinking it until it was all gone. I hide any wine I am given so that I have something to offer unexpected guests.
I'm fed up of him to be honest. I'm fed up of wondering if one day he'll turn up in a police car having been done for drinking and driving. I'm terrified he'll injure or kill someone on the road. I would never forgive him nor myself. More selfishly, I'm worried that if he gets done then we lose the major part of our family income and we are struggling already. He must spend several hundred pounds a month on drink even though we never have any money. I find it astounding that he doesn't care about any of this.
I could go on and on but I think I've gone on long enough. There are lots of other things wrong with our marriage and a lot of things are probably my fault. But I do my best to keep the household happy and I am never drunk. If I could afford it, I think I would have asked him to leave a long time ago. I don't want to upset the children though, whom I love more than anything in this world and I would do anything to keep them happy. I also don't want to upset his father who is not well and is very fond of me.
I know in my heart that if we didn't have children we would have split up years ago. I also know that if I won the lottery, I'd give him a chunk of money and send him on his way, I know that for definite. So what is keeping us together? The children.
For me, I think I've spent enough years being lonely and miserable while being married - there is no way that being on my own would be any lonelier. I already do 99.99% of the work in the house and garden without help, encouragement or support from him. His weekends are spent watching telly and drinking. What would suffer is our social life as it is very much centred around doing things as a couple with lots of other couples. But I could organise a new social life for myself and I do quite a lot of things on my own anyway as I am involved in quite a few things locally whereas he is not. He concentrates on keeping the pub in business.
I know I am sounding bitter now, I AM bitter, I feel so isolated and hopeless. I don't know what damage this cr*p marriage has done to our kids, they can see things are not the way they should be. We have nothing in common and do nothing together.
If you've read this far, thanks so much. I suppose what I am wondering is - is my OH an alcoholic or is this level of alcohol consumption 'heavy but not a problem'? The problems in our marriage are a related issue but really it's the drinking I am most concerned about at the moment.
The other night we went to the pub after a function and he was drunk before we got to the pub and a lot drunker on the way out. We had a tiff outside and he stormed off leaving me to walk home on my own - this was at 1 o'clock in the morning. This got me thinking that really, I don't need this any more and I don't think I can cope with it anymore.
Any advice would be most welcome.
I'm feeling very down and not sure what to do. I think my husband is an alcoholic and whether he is or not I think our marriage is over. Actually, I think it was over years ago.
We've been married for 22 years and have 3 children, all now in their teens.
Firstly the drinking - he drinks a lot several times a week. Usually if he opens a bottle of wine he will drink the lot on his own. He does this especially if he has had 'a pint' on the way home from work (it's never just one pint, ever). On Sundays, he goes to the pub at lunchtime and stays between 2 and 3 hours. He is drunk to the point of slurring when he gets in. He will then drink a beer or two and a bottle of wine before passing out on the couch. I don't remember the last time he spent a Sunday sober.
He often drinks on a Friday night and a Saturday as well. He goes over to see his sister and they will happily knock back a bottle or two of wine together. This is a few miles away and he drives back knowing he's over the limit. He drinks and drives all the time, he doesn't seem to care. I have spent our entire time together trying to stop him from drinking and driving but he still does it and I've given up. He will drive with our children in the car, although he only does this occasionally because I've threatened to report him to the police myself.
On the worst occasion, he and his sister drank nearly 3 bottles of wine between them. He drove home with our youngest daughter in the car, drove erratically, rolled down the window to rant at someone and generally frightened the life out of her.
He also drinks on one or more nights during the week - he goes to the pub to 'see xxxxx' where xxxx is a friend or other. He often drives down even though it's only a few minutes walk and he will drive back, regardless of how much he's drunk.
I've broached the subject of his drinking many times and he says he doesn't drink too much and in any case it's my fault he drinks, I'm a nag, I don't love him, it's the last pleasure he has left in the world etc. I've long since given up mentioning it because there's no point and he ridicules me in front of other people if I even dare to suggest he might drink and drive.
Every family occasion and other going-out occasion for as long as I can remember, he has been drunk, usually to the point of being unable to remember much of it. On Sundays, the kids steer well clear of him because he is not a pleasant drunk and they are bored of his behaviour. They often check 'has Dad been drinking' before asking him something and they often throw their eyes up to heaven when he goes off on one of his drunken rants about something. If they know he is driving them home and ask him how much he's had to drink apparently they 'sound just like your mother'.
I hardly drink at all myself now, it disagrees with me and I don't like the smell of it. I hate it. I hate how stupid people can be when they're drunk, probably because he's such an a**hole when he's drunk. I never buy booze unless we have visitors staying and if I am given a bottle of wine as a thank-you, I hide it. No bottle of wine would last long in this house - we could never have a wine rack with lots of nice wine - he'd just keep on drinking it until it was all gone. I hide any wine I am given so that I have something to offer unexpected guests.
I'm fed up of him to be honest. I'm fed up of wondering if one day he'll turn up in a police car having been done for drinking and driving. I'm terrified he'll injure or kill someone on the road. I would never forgive him nor myself. More selfishly, I'm worried that if he gets done then we lose the major part of our family income and we are struggling already. He must spend several hundred pounds a month on drink even though we never have any money. I find it astounding that he doesn't care about any of this.
I could go on and on but I think I've gone on long enough. There are lots of other things wrong with our marriage and a lot of things are probably my fault. But I do my best to keep the household happy and I am never drunk. If I could afford it, I think I would have asked him to leave a long time ago. I don't want to upset the children though, whom I love more than anything in this world and I would do anything to keep them happy. I also don't want to upset his father who is not well and is very fond of me.
I know in my heart that if we didn't have children we would have split up years ago. I also know that if I won the lottery, I'd give him a chunk of money and send him on his way, I know that for definite. So what is keeping us together? The children.
For me, I think I've spent enough years being lonely and miserable while being married - there is no way that being on my own would be any lonelier. I already do 99.99% of the work in the house and garden without help, encouragement or support from him. His weekends are spent watching telly and drinking. What would suffer is our social life as it is very much centred around doing things as a couple with lots of other couples. But I could organise a new social life for myself and I do quite a lot of things on my own anyway as I am involved in quite a few things locally whereas he is not. He concentrates on keeping the pub in business.
I know I am sounding bitter now, I AM bitter, I feel so isolated and hopeless. I don't know what damage this cr*p marriage has done to our kids, they can see things are not the way they should be. We have nothing in common and do nothing together.
If you've read this far, thanks so much. I suppose what I am wondering is - is my OH an alcoholic or is this level of alcohol consumption 'heavy but not a problem'? The problems in our marriage are a related issue but really it's the drinking I am most concerned about at the moment.
The other night we went to the pub after a function and he was drunk before we got to the pub and a lot drunker on the way out. We had a tiff outside and he stormed off leaving me to walk home on my own - this was at 1 o'clock in the morning. This got me thinking that really, I don't need this any more and I don't think I can cope with it anymore.
Any advice would be most welcome.
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Comments
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I would leave. Especially if he drives your children having been drinking. He will kill someone one day.:heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.0
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I don't think it's necessarily helpful to grasp for strict definitions. What is clear is that your husband drinks a lot and that precipitates risky behaviour. I'd break his legs and then call the police the next time he even thinks of taking any children in the car with him. Never mind all the money that he's wasting on his dangerous hobby.
You sound like you're well-past the point of no return with this man. I suggest you start making plans to either leave him or get him out of your lives.0 -
Stop worrying about whether he's an alcoholic and concentrate on stopping him driving whilst drunk.0
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From what you have said the children suffer more by you being with him than they would if you seperated so I hardly think thats a reason to stay.
His drinking (esp as he is drink driving) sounds like it is problematic rather than just heavy - but he won't change that until/ unless he sees it as a problem.People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.
Ralph Waldo Emerson0 -
NearlyHadEnough wrote: »He will drive with our children in the car, although he only does this occasionally because I've threatened to report him to the police myself.
I'm sorry I didn't read past this point. If this was me .. The first time he did this would have been the time I'd have been on the phone to the police. Driving while under the influence of anything in the car on your own is completely stupid, driving while under the influence with my children in the car is just .. i have no words .. just no. Never again, i'd help them lock him up!!0 -
It could be my children he kills while out drink driving. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you don't care enough about your own children to stop him doing it, please do it on behalf of my children, and all the other people he is putting at risk.
Tell him you will report him next time he does it, and don't let the situation arise where he needs to avoid going over the limit before driving your kids - since it sounds like he won't avoid it.
One definition of an alcoholic is someone whose relationships are adversely affected by their drinking - so there's your answer?Please do not confuse me with other gratefulsforhelp. x0 -
He is an alcoholic!
Your children will suffer far more watching him self destruct & by watching him ill treat you all.
Get out before he kills one of the children in the car.Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.0 -
NearlyHadEnough wrote: »If you've read this far, thanks so much. I suppose what I am wondering is - is my OH an alcoholic or is this level of alcohol consumption 'heavy but not a problem'? The problems in our marriage are a related issue but really it's the drinking I am most concerned about at the moment.
:eek:
Assuming after everything you have advised us about your husbands habits this isn't a trick question, then yes you most definately do live with an alcoholic hun. I think deep down you are well aware of this already and astute enough to see the damage it is doing to your life and that of your children.
At some point your husbands drink driving is most likely going to end tragically. Maybe just for him, god forbid he takes others with him.
Emotionally I feel youself and your children will be so much better off living apart from your husband. Contact CAB and see where you would stand financially. As you stated in your post a lot of your income is keeping the pub in business. Debts etc can be put onto manageable payment plans. I wish you lots of luck and strength OP. I think you may well need it.0 -
I'm sorry I didn't read past this point. If this was me .. The first time he did this would have been the time I'd have been on the phone to the police. Driving while under the influence of anything in the car on your own is completely stupid, driving while under the influence with my children in the car is just .. i have no words .. just no. Never again, i'd help them lock him up!!
Have to say (whilst trying to remain impartial) I struggled to follow after the same bit !
I honestly would get rid no - one would ever be taking such crazy risks with my kids in the car its disgraceful behaviour.
I would either leave or sling him out and let him go live with his sister if she enjoys drinking with him you have put up with enough and so too have the children for them to question whether or not he has had a drink before speaking to him ........ well words simply fail me really I cannot imagine living like that please call it quits now.
Good luck for the future
xx:AMummy to my angel DD Born 02/02 will never forget my angel:A:jTwo very special DS born 02/03 and 03/07:j:DExpecting the arrival of our baby boy 28/01/12:D0 -
Yes he is an alcoholic...
And yes you should leave with the children... for their sake if you can't do it for your own!!!
And yes you should report him to the police for drink driving.. if I knew you I would report him... if he kills himself.. good.. if he kills one or more of your children.. you and they don't deserve that.. he does! And God help any of you if he was to kill someone elses child or parent or baby or grandma...
I wouldn't let him have the children in the car and I'd be on the phone every time he got in the car..LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14Hope to be debt free until the day I dieMortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)0
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