Is my husband an alcoholic?

skintandscared_2

If he drove once with your children in the car ... shame on him.

If he does it regularly... shame on you!!

!!!!!! stop him!! You have no control over his drinking but you have control over whether he has your children in the car at the time. Do you REALLY want to be in the situation where you can say "told you so"????!!!

Children are better off in an environment that is calm and without stress. If that means you and your hubby are apart then so be it.

He has his own demons to deal with. Whatever he blames it on, he needs to sort it out. Drinking on that scale is not normal, social or acceptable when it puts his own children at risk.

I'm not being judgmental or harsh, but seriously, if he killed himself and your kids would you ever forgive yourself for not doing something??!

(it must be very stressful for you, so big virtual hugs and I hope you find the strength to do the right thing - if not for you then for your kids)

janb5

I could have been reading my own past history! Like you I dont drink much but was unable to stop my ex drinking as I couldnt possibly know whether he was an alcoholic as I didnt drink! He alsodrank with his sister! I have been happily divorced for nine years and I would advise you to stop !!!!! footing and understand where your priorities are which is to protect your children. I would report him to the police too and they can follow him and charge him which takes the onus off you.

I feel and understand your misery but you must not be deterred by his spiteful remarks. He is trying to cloud the issue and you need to be strong and be consistent. Only you know whether you can leave but do you want your children to believe that their mother gambled with their safety?

If you want totalk to me via pm I am happy to help.

NearlyHadEnough

skintandscared wrote: »

If he drove once with your children in the car ... shame on him.

If he does it regularly... shame on you!!

!!!!!! stop him!! You have no control over his drinking but you have control over whether he has your children in the car at the time. Do you REALLY want to be in the situation where you can say "told you so"????!!!

I'm not disagreeing with everyone. But I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to stop him drinking and driving, nor can I always stop the children going with him. They are now aged 14-18, I am not always aware they are going out in the car with him. I've told them not to get into the car if he's been drinking but sometimes that might mean asking him - and they know what the result of that would be - him having a tantrum.

A few Sundays ago I spent the day working in the garden and when I came in late in the evening I discovered he had driven two of the children to a nearby petrol station to buy some junk to eat. I had no idea they were going and would obviously not have allowed it had I known. The week before, the same thing almost happened but my daughter happened to mention she was going out with her Dad so I stopped it. He had had loads to drink by then, including more than a bottle of wine after the pub, I've no idea why he thought it would be OK to drive. Actually, scrub that, he knows he wasn't OK to drive.

Thing is, they know Sundays are off-limits. The pub is sacrosanct, I have spent so many days out on my own with the children because he has to go to the pub. Any picking up and collecting of children is scheduled so that I am the one driving.

Once, I was away for the weekend and my husband was collecting me from the airport on a Sunday evening. Despite everything, I assumed that he would refrain from drinking because of this. He collected me with all three children in the car. My oldest daughter told me later that he'd spent longer in the pub than usual that day and continued to drink at home.

Jesus, I'm not sure what I've been thinking of all this time.

Do you know, this thread and everyone's responses has made me realise that I've become so used to his behaviour that I have lost sight of how appalling and dangerous it is. The first thing I need to do is stress to the children that they must not get into the car with him if they have even the slightest suspicion he's been drinking. This does seem to be putting a terrible burden on them though. He gets so angry if they mention the drinking. But it's better than getting into the car with him.

I have spent so much time stressing to my oldest never to get into a car with a friend if she thinks they've had even one drink nor to ever get into a car with a friend who drives like an idiot. I've said I'm more than happy to pick her up from anywhere and any time of night, rather than risk her life in a car with a moron.

Yet I've not stopped her Dad doing it. Yet, you know, for years and years I would drop him off and pick him up from a night out with his workmates, so that he wouldn't drink and drive. Whenever we go anywhere, it's always me that drives home. Even if he is meant to be the driver, I know he'll drink anyway. I can't relax because I know he is drinking and if I say anything I'm 'giving him cr*p'.

You can see how little love and respect is left in our marriage.

OK, I'm in tears again now. A bit of self-pity combined with a lot of shame. How can I have let this go on for so long?

I've been considering going to Al-Anon, which I suppose is why I asked the 'is he an alcoholic' question. I'm afraid of going along and making a fool of myself but I can see that I've been such a fool for so long already. For years now, I've been a terrible person for just letting things slide when I know I should be taking action, I don't know what's wrong with me.

A small analogy which may seem silly but it seems to explain how I operate. I cleaned out a kitchen cupboard today, just a small one. It's where we keep the olive oil, sunflower oil etc. so the bottom shelf was a bit sticky. I have been meaning to clean it for weeks. When I pulled everything out, the cupboard was filthy, everywhere. I kept looking at it thinking, 'How could I have let it get like that, why didn't I clean it ages ago'? I knew it had to be done, but I didn't do it.

I feel like that cupboard reflects my life.

Sorry, can't see for tears now, will be back later.

QuantumSuccess

When are you leaving him?

tankgirl1

My thoughts are with you OP
xxx

Fire_Fox

Next time your husband drinks and drives do as you have threatened and report him to the police. Make sure that every relative and all of your children know they are NEVER EVER to get in a car with him when they suspect has been drinking - they are to call a taxi to get home. Ensure they have the phone number of a local taxi firm and emergency cash (you can hide this at home), money on account at the local cab firm or they can call you and you will pay by debit card over the telephone. This does not need to be discussed with their father, they simply leave the room/ building and call a taxi. If their father wants to drive them somewhere from the family home when they suspect he has been drinking they could have an excuse prepared (e.g. homework), or simply leave the house and go to a trusted neighbour to avoid confrontation.

Why is there alcohol in the house, who does the supermarket run? If you purchase alcohol for your partner you are enabling his problem drinking. This man IS harming your children: they are learning about dysfunctional husband-wife and dysfunctional father-child relationships, when they should be learning the life skills of drinking responsibly and acting within the law. Your children are getting in the car to go buy junk food at the petrol station because their parents are not explaining that drink-driving is unacceptable and not leading by example.

I wish you all the best, you deserve so much more than this. :grouphug:

Melonade

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I'm not disagreeing with everyone. But I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to stop him drinking and driving.

Next time he goes to the pub and you know he is driving and will be over the limit on the way home you ring the police. Tell them the pub he's at and the car reg. You can do this annonomously (sp)

For the sake of your kids and other people who could possibly be in his path while driving drunk you should do it. Maybe it'll be the kick up the backside he needs and you can get this sorted.

Good Luck what ever you do, think of your wonderful children... please.

gravitytolls

You could've described my marriage.

DH was like this when i met him but I was young and naive. I put up with too much for too many years; the sitting in a freezing house in the middle of nowhere in tears, with two babies wrapped in outdoor clothes waiting for him to come home wiith coal on payday, he went straight to the pub'

fitting stair carpet, he threw it down the stairs, tacked it at the top, said 'that's enough for now, I deserve a pint.' My SF pointed out incredulously 'you can't leave it like that.'

Drink driving, loads, and so many times I hovered over the phone, but didn't do it as he would lose his job, the children would hate me etc.

There's been swearing, giggling, peeing on the floor, being locked out for hours on the doorstep moaning, fallling out of the car, I too drove always, and I was always blamed for his drinking.

I tried to stop him from going to the pub by getting booze in, he went anyway and drank at home when he got back, I tried never having it in, he stayed longer.

I don't drink now either, because the stuff caused me so many years of misery.

He only started to come to his senses when I told him we were finished, and he realised i meant it. I told him I wasn't angry, upset, there were no tears, I had finally faced the fact that I no longer loved him. I told him I used to love him so much it hurt, but that he'd destroyed it with his love for alcohol being stronger than hi slove for the family.

I'll be honest with you, we had baby no.5 by then, and with each baby, I told myself, it'll be better when the baby comes. Of course it never was, heck, he had something to celebrate didn't he?

So, 13 years on, we're still married, he sought help, though I still think he doesn't believe he ever had a problem. Now he has a drink or two, but not often and not much, though this is also because his medication reacts badly to booze.

He never ever ever ever drinks and drives any more.

I will say though, that I don't love him, not like I did, sometimes I'm not sure if I do, or if we just rub along as companions now. It's makes me feel sad, as I know he's aware of it. But you know, we got on ok, the children are happy, we got over it.

The question you need to ask yourself is, do you want to get through it with him or without him?

Savvy_Sue

fluffpot wrote: »

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk

and for your children, there's Alateen.

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I've told them not to get into the car if he's been drinking but sometimes that might mean asking him - and they know what the result of that would be - him having a tantrum.

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

The first thing I need to do is stress to the children that they must not get into the car with him if they have even the slightest suspicion he's been drinking. This does seem to be putting a terrible burden on them though. He gets so angry if they mention the drinking. But it's better than getting into the car with him.

Do you know, I think the simplest thing might be to just tell them to assume that he WILL have been drinking, so the safest thing is to just not get into the car with him. That means planning things so that if they NEED a lift, they arrange it with you. They're old enough to do that now, IMO. I know it puts more of a burden on you, but will he notice?

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I've been considering going to Al-Anon, which I suppose is why I asked the 'is he an alcoholic' question. I'm afraid of going along and making a fool of myself but I can see that I've been such a fool for so long already. For years now, I've been a terrible person for just letting things slide when I know I should be taking action, I don't know what's wrong with me.

a) you will not make a fool of yourself. His drinking is a problem for you, even if he doesn't regard it as a problem himself. And b) you are NOT a terrible person. You've struggled on, doing the best you knew, and now you can see that things have got to change, and you'll make changes, but sometimes we just can't see things straight.

BTW, you say he is not a 'nice' drunk. If you are concerned that there may be violence, either to you or the children, when HE realises that things have changed, contact Women's Aid.

gettingbetter

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Next time your husband drinks and drives do as you have threatened and report him to the police. Make sure that every relative and all of your children know they are NEVER EVER to get in a car with him when they suspect has been drinking - they are to call a taxi to get home. Ensure they have the phone number of a local taxi firm and emergency cash (you can hide this at home), money on account at the local cab firm or they can call you and you will pay by debit card over the telephone. This does not need to be discussed with their father, they simply leave the room/ building and call a taxi. If their father wants to drive them somewhere from the family home when they suspect he has been drinking they could have an excuse prepared (e.g. homework), or simply leave the house and go to a trusted neighbour to avoid confrontation.

hi

just wanted to say i work for a taxi firm
and i can say if we were asked we would have
no problem setting up and account for you
you can even name people who are allowed to use it
another thing we do is you can bring a sum of
money into office and that will be held and we
deduct the costs at source and let you know
when your money is runing low

if you have a local firm you trust it might be worth having a word

please do report ur oh to police
you know this happens every sunday
you know roughly what time
if you dont want to call local station
call crimestoppers 0800 number
all they need is reg of car and approx time

hope everything works out for you

kas xx