Is my husband an alcoholic?

CH27

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I know you are all right. I suppose I am a bit taken aback by the strength of the reaction but that's because I've allowed myself to accept that this is the way he is.

He would maintain that he's perfectly capable of driving when he's had 'one or two'. I know I need to tackle him calmly about this but I feel sick just thinking about doing this. What really really galls me is that there is no need for it. The pub is a few minutes walk away. His sister is a few miles away, I would happily drop him off and pick him up.

The thing about driving the next morning is also true - he often heads off on a long drive early on a Monday morning.

What I would say is that it's not that easy to just boot him out (there's no way I'm leaving this house). The kids, whatever I've said, would be devastated, at least the younger two would. The oldest has long since lost all respect for her father and has asked in bafflement why I married him.

Also, getting him done for drink driving would mean him losing his job and probably us losing this house. The children have lived here all their lives. I don't know how we would cope with this.

I know this is a very selfish view, I know I am a coward. I need to take a deep breath and look at what's important.

I'm finding this so hard, finally seeing what's obviously clear to everyone else from an outside standpoint.

You seem to be putting financial stability & lifestyle above your own children's safety.

Fire_Fox

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I know you are all right. I suppose I am a bit taken aback by the strength of the reaction but that's because I've allowed myself to accept that this is the way he is.

He would maintain that he's perfectly capable of driving when he's had 'one or two'. I know I need to tackle him calmly about this but I feel sick just thinking about doing this. What really really galls me is that there is no need for it. The pub is a few minutes walk away. His sister is a few miles away, I would happily drop him off and pick him up.

The thing about driving the next morning is also true - he often heads off on a long drive early on a Monday morning.

What I would say is that it's not that easy to just boot him out (there's no way I'm leaving this house). The kids, whatever I've said, would be devastated, at least the younger two would. The oldest has long since lost all respect for her father and has asked in bafflement why I married him.

Also, getting him done for drink driving would mean him losing his job and probably us losing this house. The children have lived here all their lives. I don't know how we would cope with this.

I know this is a very selfish view, I know I am a coward. I need to take a deep breath and look at what's important.

I'm finding this so hard, finally seeing what's obviously clear to everyone else from an outside standpoint.

Nobody is suggesting you tackle him, you've already done this and it's been ineffective. It is completely irrelevant whether he thinks he is capable of driving or not as the law is crystal clear, if he wants to debate that let him do so with a magistrate.

It really IS that easy to boot him out, your first half hour with a solicitor is free and they do the rest. Next time your husband is drunk and verbally abusive contact the police and he will get a night in the cells. You and your children have the legal right to live in safety, and you have a moral responsibility to teach your children right from wrong.

Will your children be happy with the rest of their childhood ruined by drug dependency? Will they be better if their drunken father drove into a wall and died? Or if their father went to prison for killing someone else? Or if their father dies from liver cirrhosis? Will your children be better off if one was in a wheelchair? Will you be happier when one of your adult children lives up to 'like father like son'? Or would you ALL be happier if their alcohol dependent father hits rock bottom, starts the long road to sobriety, gets visitation twice a week and spends quality time with them?

Many relationships go through trial separations or end in divorce, those children cope if they have at least one parent providing love and routine. Children move house all the time, single mothers manage on state benefits or their own salaries all the time. People work full time without a driving license or car. If you have sufficient income left after paying the bills for the amount of drinking you describe you must have savings.

You don't have to see a separation as forever, you can be willing to support your husband once he starts treatment for his alcohol dependency, to go to relationship counselling once he is sober. You need to get help yourself - perhaps anti-depressants from the doctor, support from Al Anon, learn about how all your excuses are 'enabling' your husband to continue drinking.

TBH you sound clinically depressed, mild to moderate. Depression can cause you to fear the unknown or to fear change, take no enjoyment from simple pleasures, cause a lack of motivation, to feel you cannot cope even when you appear 'fine' to the outside world. Even when you think your reasoning is logical depression causes you to think of a worst case scenario as being the most realistic. Please get help for yourself, you don't have to feel like this.
:grouphug:

mudgekin

ok, please forgive what will probably be a rather to the point and emotional post.
I lost my dearly loved father who I absolutely adored 2 weeks before my 21st birthday.
He was knocked down and killed one evening while out walking the dog by a drunk driver.

My dad was walking on the pavement as this creature mounted the kerb and slammed him into a wall. My mum lost her partner, best friend and the love of her life. I lost what to me was everything.

If you think for one minute lady that a house is worth that then you are sorely deluded. That thing who killed my dad was a knows !!!! head and his wife KNEW what he did, she knew he would drink and then drive and she in my mind is a complicit as he is in the murder of my father.

I hope you can live with yourself that you ruined so many lives including that of your children for the sake of a house of all things.

Ger a grip woman because he WILL kill someone one day and their blood will be on your hands as much as his if you do not stop this now by reporting him

I'm sorry everyone but this makes me sick.

Any

mudgekin wrote: »

ok, please forgive what will probably be a rather to the point and emotional post.
I lost my dearly loved father who I absolutely adored 2 weeks before my 21st birthday.
He was knocked down and killed one evening while out walking the dog by a drunk driver.

My dad was walking on the pavement as this creature mounted the kerb and slammed him into a wall. My mum lost her partner, best friend and the love of her life. I lost what to me was everything.

If you think for one minute lady that a house is worth that then you are sorely deluded. That thing who killed my dad was a knows !!!! head and his wife KNEW what he did, she knew he would drink and then drive and she in my mind is a complicit as he is in the murder of my father.

I hope you can live with yourself that you ruined so many lives including that of your children for the sake of a house of all things.

Ger a grip woman because he WILL kill someone one day and their blood will be on your hands as much as his if you do not stop this now by reporting him

I'm sorry everyone but this makes me sick.

I understand this is very emotional issue for you, but do you seriously think that he stops drinking when she leaves him???????

It just seems that in your post you seem to be suggesting that somehow if someone is killed it would be also her fault for not leaving him earlier.

Lot of people knew this man is a ***head as you say, but no one else reported him either!!

This poor woman is at the end of her tether, undermined for years by a man she married and loved and trusted over long period of time, piece of **** in my mind and she doesn't need your blame too!!!

grey_lady

I actually agree with mudgekin, the op is complicit with her husbands dd.

I think you misunderstood Any, mudgekin was saying that the op needs to call the police any time her husband drinks and drives before he seriously injures someone.

The_Rizler

Hi OP,
My childhood was as you describe your life to be now. Everyday I wished my dad was dead and that he'd be gone so that we could live without him. Although I love my mum, I hated her for being so weak that she didn't leave him and you want this for your children?
I'm older and can rationalise why she stayed but by staying you're not thinking about what this is really doing to your kids.

Leave, it's hard staying, it'll be hard going but why continue to be miserable?
Life isn't a trial run, you've only got one go at it.

Good luck

epsilondraconis

What a nightmare situation.

OP - you are saying that you are doing this for your kids, but perhaps you are doing more harm than good. Your DD has already asked why you are married. Rizler's post above spoke volumes about what the children are probably thinking.

If I were in your position, I would sit down with your children and talk to them about the situation. Ask them how they feel about their Dad acting the way he does. Ask them if they like it.

Assuming they are not happy about it, then I would ensure the children are doing something else and then have a heart to heart with your husband.

Tell him how you feel, tell him how the children feel.

Ask him to get some help and that you will do everything to help all of you stay together to get through this.

Tell him that if he gets in the car once more when he has been drinking, the two of you are finished.

I genuinely feel for you OP. You must be in a horrible place at this time. It seems to me that you are the only one that can do anything about this, otherwise you will continue on the same sorry path.

Please don't thinking people are having a go at you. It's easy for us to say what needs to be done - it's going to be very hard for you to take the first step. Unless you take that step, it fear it will only get worse.

Keep strong....

leanneq

Sorry this is going to sound harsh but reading your posts are so frustrating to read. Seriously, leave him. Protect your children. They cannot be happy living in that environment.

I once told a 5 and 9 year old that their mummy was dead. Why? I'm sure you can work it out...

anguk

You say you don't want to report him because he'll lose his job and you don't know how you'll cope if you lose the house. How will you cope when you lose one or more of your children when he kills them? What's more important, your house or your children? Would you rather live in a grotty house/flat with your children or your nice house with some or all of your children in the cemetery? If he did kill someone you have to live with that for the rest of your life because you could have done something to stop it.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but my mother was killed by a drink driver, this had a devastating effect on me, my brother, my father and my grandparents that has lasted our entire lives (I was a toddler when it happened, I'm now in my forties).

Please don't bury your head in the sand and think it will never happen to you because there's a very good chance it will. My grandmother told me that the hardest thing you can do in life is bury your child and it's something you never get over. Please, please do something now so you don't end up like my grandmother. Phone the police and kick him out, your house is not worth more than your children's lives or your peace of mind.

fluffpot

OP - you can of course understand why people who have been affected by drunk driving are upset, but please don't use this to make yourself feel any more guilty than you do already.

As others have said, and indeed as you were initially thinking - please contact Al-Anon - you need the support of others who have been or are going through EXACTLY the same thing as you. Of course shopping your husband, leaving him, loosing the family home are all pretty horrible things to have to contemplate, but generally the only way that an addicted person gets better is when they hit 'rock bottom' and realise that they have to tackle the problem themselves. YOU cannot stop your husband from drinking, even if you tried.

And nothing is forever, if he is able to stop drinking and address the problems in his life (this might be a long process!), who knows you might get back the person you first fell in love with.

What is clear is that you can't stay as you are

Good luck - help is out there for you