Is my husband an alcoholic?

Fire_Fox

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

Thanks, I've cried a lot in the past 24 hours, the truth hurts. Trouble is, I've never confided in anyone, I keep it all bottled up. I've lost a lot of confidence in recent years, I agonise over the most trivial of decisions and even when I've made them, I continue to torture myself that I've made the wrong one. I worry about everything. I see a bleak future stretching before me.

Please please get some medical advice and support for yourself, all these symptoms could indicate clinical depression or anxiety.

crystaltipps

I am not sure if this has been mentioned but thought I would add anyway.

Growing up with an alcoholic father is extremely damaging. You learn ways, much like you have described, to hide it when with peers. You dread the days you know your dad is/will be drunk. I used to dread the walk home from school/playing out, wondering if he was going to be drunk and if so will it be a 'happy' drunk with loud music and jollity (not great, but bearable, just) or an angry/irritated drunk (nightmare). I virtually never had friends around for tea etc, because I was petrified my 'secret' would be exposed and everyone would find out.

You might be unhappy, depressed and miserable - i can almost guarantee that even if your children are not expressing similar feelings, they are probably thinking/suppressing them.

There are four of us - only my youngest sister ever has a drink now, and not that often/never to excess. I occasionally have a glass of wine but usually with a meal. I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I have been drunk. Whilst this is perhaps not a problem, per se, it does demonstrate a hang up I feel I inherited through my upbringing.

I know there have been a lot of posts about the immediate physical danger your children may be in on occasion, the long term mental damage should not be ignored though.

It might be tough leaving, and you might have to see your husband getting worse as he struggles to cope with the split, but ultimately, it is probably for the best for you all - and it might be the stimulus your husband needs to evaluate his life, attitude, drinking habits and perhaps make attempts to change them.

I hope you all get through this and look forward to happier times.

NearlyHadEnough

Padstow wrote: »

Among the knee-jerk reactions such as, "leave", "kick him out", "phone the police" and worst of all, "if he kills himself ..good". (He is I'm sure, a much loved dad with all his flaws, pigpen), are some practical posts that will be of help until you are sorted.

He is indeed a much-loved Dad. They don't like his drinking but they love him, of course, and I don't need to ask them if they'd be happier with him not here, they wouldn't.

Padstow wrote: »

You are trying to keep the peace, the kids are treading on eggshells. I bet they're scared to bring their friends over?

They don't have their friends over on a Sunday, unless it's a day when we have a lot of people here. My youngest said many years ago that her friends don't come around because Dad shouts at them. The youngest also clears off sometimes because 'I hate it when he's like this'. When he's sober though, she can be found snuggled up on the couch with him.

Padstow wrote: »

So, do you really want him to leave the marital home, and how would the children feel?
Dad maybe then living in a rented flat, either getting worse, or having lost you, getting better.

Have you discussed this with the children? You and them living in the family home, and dad hopefully just down the road? Would you all be happier with that?

No, I haven't discussed any of this with a living soul until I started this thread. I am though, totally confident that they wouldn't want him to leave but they'd like it if he stopped drinking. They've made so many comments over the years about it.

As for me, I don't see any way back for us to be honest. I want to share my life with someone who is interested in the same things as me, and indeed, interested in me. If I can't have that, I'd rather be on my own. I love being on my own anyway.

Padstow wrote: »

We know nothing of your finances. eg Mortgage, pensions, whether you work yourself? Forgive me if I missed it. We also don't know whether you handle the finances.

I've always worked but my income is sporadic and much less than his. He pays the mortgage and loads of other bills. However, we have been rubbish with money over the years and both of us have big credit card debts. No savings worth speaking of but no other debts either. There is lots of equity in the house, we bought it years ago.

I've always been left to manage the money and if there's not enough, he doesn't care. He pays his bit and I have to magic the missing money from somewhere. Hence the credit card debts. No excuses, my fault, I should live within my means, I never really have unless my means were particularly high at the time.

Padstow wrote: »

Here's what I would do. I would collect the salient points of the finances. I would then look for a family lawyer. Ring and ask whether they do either a free 30 mins, or a fixed price first appointment.

You then hopefully, have ammunition to face your husband with an ultimatum.

"Either get help, or you must leave. We cannot live like this anymore."

Maybe presenting it that way, backed by legal information, may focus his mind.

As I said, we don't know your financials, though as you have had a long marriage with dependent children at home, the courts should look favourably on your circumstances.

If you need specialist advice on divorce issues, wickivorce is good.

Thank you. Sounds like a plan. I've had an initial look at some benefits websites and I would get some family tax credit to top up my income. Assuming OH would have to pay child support, I think I could manage but of course there would be so much to sort out.

I will do as you suggest and get together a summary of the finances. I will also seek out my first Al Anon meeting. I can't decide if I should go to one far away or one in the nearest town. I'm worried about meeting someone there who knows me, I know that sounds daft.

You know the old joke 'I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure'. That's me.:)

NearlyHadEnough

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Please please get some medical advice and support for yourself, all these symptoms could indicate clinical depression or anxiety.

I really don't think I am clinically depressed, I just think I've become so used to a rubbish life that I've forgotten how to live freely. Some of the decisions I agonise over are frankly ridiculous in that they don't matter a jot anyway and I can see this a few days later. I look back and think 'what the hell was wrong with you'.

My OH never makes a decision. All decisions, big and small, are left to me. I've said earlier I don't want to take responsibility but actually I do take it, all the time, on my own. Nothing would ever happen in this house if I didn't make it happen (and indeed actually do it usually). Things I've asked OH to do can take so long to get done that I usually end up paying someone to do it (that's if I can't do it myself, I'm no good with electrics or with fixing things).

I'm totally fed up with living alone but married. I remember telling my OH absolutely years ago when all the kids were small that I felt like a married single Mum. I believe his response began with F and ended with Off.

I realise now that I am beginning to use this thread as some kind of therapy which wasn't my initial intention, so sorry about that. But if my OH was a kind, sweet, attentive, helpful, good-about-house alcoholic, I would feel more kindly towards him. But he can be such an a**hole. And he can't see it. He thinks he's such a nice guy.

I am a bit more self-aware in that I know I'm an impatient, sharp-tongued, intolerant old boot. I should probably have never married anyone, I'm not nice enough and my prickly edges are best kept in isolation.

NearlyHadEnough

crystaltipps wrote: »

I am not sure if this has been mentioned but thought I would add anyway.

Growing up with an alcoholic father is extremely damaging. You learn ways, much like you have described, to hide it when with peers. You dread the days you know your dad is/will be drunk. I used to dread the walk home from school/playing out, wondering if he was going to be drunk and if so will it be a 'happy' drunk with loud music and jollity (not great, but bearable, just) or an angry/irritated drunk (nightmare). I virtually never had friends around for tea etc, because I was petrified my 'secret' would be exposed and everyone would find out.

I have thought about this and wondered how it might affect them. Interestingly, my Dad was a 'big drinker'. I don't know if he was an alcoholic but I know that at one time my mother was worried about it and I know he drank a lot. He would often roll in drunk, all nonsense and tickles and loud noises. I grew up surrounded by drink, we spent a lot of time in pubs (rural Ireland, just the way it was). I've been drunk myself plenty of times but hardly ever since the kids were born and never in recent years. I go weeks and weeks without touching a drop. It simply has no appeal. The rest of my family all drink quite happily but not to excess.

gravitytolls

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Please please get some medical advice and support for yourself, all these symptoms could indicate clinical depression or anxiety.

At this point I will confess that I have been taking anti depressants for years, and will doubtless continue to do so. Without them I don't think we'd still be a couple. When I'm not taking them (I do wean myself off them slowly), he just irritates the life out of me, I bicker with him all the time hate myself for doing so, but am unable to stop myself.

The meds help keep me on an even keel, and I am a nicer person, fairly stable and less anxious. I am worried about the future though, where will we be when the children have left home? Will be an aging divorced couple?

Anyhoo, never mind that. I must also point out that my father was a drunk too ~ I call hima drunk because he couldn't afford to be an alcoholic, but he couldn't have one drink, ever, it was always as much as he could pour down his neck until he passed out or ran out of cash. Much like DH used to be.

My SF was a bully, and he became rather too interested in me as i reached puberty and my changing body shape became a fascination for him.

Those 2 major male influences in my life along with a few other harrowing incidents, are doubtless the reson for the meds too. But it seems that I chose a man like my father to share my life with.

Funny thing is, now he's finally grown up, he think she's boring, and asks will I leave him because he's boring? Mad, all I ever wanted was boring normality.

Caroline_a

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I wish someone would shop him and i don't want it to be me. There's the cowardice coming out again. I don't want to take responsibility.

I can tell from a quick glance how much my OH has had. It only takes me a millisecond to know if he's had a drink, he has a different way about him. It's relatively easy anyway because 'a pint' never is just one. I can read in his eyes whether he's had a small amount or a lot and of course as soon as he speaks, all is revealed.

Yours is another success story. I wonder if I'll be on here in two years time saying 'That was me, I left him and I've never been so happy'.

You will. You have crossed the line by talking about it to someone, even if it's us loonies on here. You have our support, you know that, and you now also know that you aren't alone. I had so many of my friends saying 'you have to leave him' before I actually did, but it had to be right in my own mind. When I got to that stage I was unstoppable, I got all my ducks in a row, sold house, end of. He thought it was a good thing (lots of money for booze) but is now back where he came from (200 miles away) in a one bedroom flat. He is not a well man, all due to booze, but says 'I've had a good life'... yeah right, he gave up a 4 bedroomed house in a nice area, with a good job, just for drink, and didnt have the willpower or backbone to do anything about it. Sympathy? sorry, not really. He had lots of help and support from me for years, both emotional and financial, but he chose to use me and abuse the situation.

My life is great now... I can do what I want, when I want, where I want and with whom. He would become paranoid about me going out with my (female) friends, accusing me of seeing 'men'. Then he would lock me out of my own house, forcing me to climb in through a window. All the tip-toeing around has now gone, you know the things I mean, it's like being a free woman.

If I can do it, so can you.... PM me if you want any support

x

hippychick1

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I really don't think I am clinically depressed, I just think I've become so used to a rubbish life that I've forgotten how to live freely. Some of the decisions I agonise over are frankly ridiculous in that they don't matter a jot anyway and I can see this a few days later. I look back and think 'what the hell was wrong with you'.

I'm totally fed up with living alone but married. I remember telling my OH absolutely years ago when all the kids were small that I felt like a married single Mum. I believe his response began with F and ended with Off.

I realise now that I am beginning to use this thread as some kind of therapy which wasn't my initial intention, so sorry about that. But if my OH was a kind, sweet, attentive, helpful, good-about-house alcoholic, I would feel more kindly towards him. But he can be such an a**hole. And he can't see it. He thinks he's such a nice guy.

I am a bit more self-aware in that I know I'm an impatient, sharp-tongued, intolerant old boot. I should probably have never married anyone, I'm not nice enough and my prickly edges are best kept in isolation.

I also felt the same, felt like a single parent even when I was married. This is one of the main things I noticed once I left......I did everything in the house, cooking, cleaning, childcare anyway, but I would be fuming and wound up because he would sit there playing computer games or watching television. Once I left, that frustration was gone. It is very tough being a single parent of three young children, but I would not swap back to how things used to be, no way!!!!

I know I stayed far too long, as I didn't want the children brought up in a single parent family, didn't want them to have two homes and go through all the upset. I was (and still am) devastated that I am almost divorced. Marriage is for life in my eyes, but when one person does not want to work at it, what can you do? I realised MY life is worth so much more than sticking at a bad marriage. I'm sure I have many faults that ex H can moan about, but nothing compares to his drinking. I also stayed as we had huge debts, all in my name, as he couldn't get credit to cover all his debts and his nonstop spending :mad: so stupidly I took them on. In the end, I really couldn't have cared if I went bankrupt, as long as I wasn't with him. I am struggling to pay them off, but so what? My life has turned around completely, I am so much happier, and so are the children.

If you said to him this sunday before he goes out, 'I don't want you to drink today, you have a problem with alcohol and you need to sort it' what would he say? I suppose it would be YOUR problem, not his. Tell him the weekly recommended limits for alcohol, this enforces your point. It may make him see its not just you that thinks its a problem.

belfastgirl23

It is very easy for people not in the same position as you to tell you what you *should* do. Honestly it does frustrate me that the first reach for so many people is 'leave him'. If that's what you want to do or need to do then you should consider it openly. But I also think you should consider all of the options.

Having been in a situation where mum left alcoholic dad, at a single stroke I didn't just lose him, I lost all my friends, my school, financial stability, my neighbourhood, my house, and also slightly my mum as she was devastated by it. Everything familiar gone in the blink of an eye. You're considering what is best for your children and the truth is that upping and going isn't necessarily best. It might be best. But it might not be. So the issues you're considering, personally I think you're absolutely right to consider.

You also need to consider your husband. He's clearly not happy one way and another. And I do know that with a close relative of mine when I told them how concerned I was about their drinking, their reaction was relief that it had been acknowledged. Have you talked properly to him - as in when you're both sober and calm? Or has it mostly come up in reaction to him drinking at the time. As a starting point, you need to make it clear that you can't continue as things are. And I mean calmly and clearly stating it as a fact. I know you've had all of the huffing and puffing but when you're calm and clear it can incite a different reaction (I'm assuming here that there's no risk of violence)

The other thing is that you can threaten him with reporting him to the police as a tactic to get him to leave the house if that's something you'd consider doing. I take the point of people who are saying that you're responsible if he hits someone, but truthfully do you think that losing his licence will necessarily make him stop driving?

Anyway just my tuppence worth. It is very easy to judge someone in your position, all I can say is that I admire you for finally stepping back and taking a long hard look at your life!

USM

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I wish someone would shop him and i don't want it to be me. There's the cowardice coming out again. I don't want to take responsibility.

I'll do it. Let me know the car and the pub and I'll happily make the phone call right now.

This is the light option in my opinion. If it was down to me, drink drivers would learn their lesson in a confined space with just me and a claw hammer for company.