Is my husband an alcoholic?

NearlyHadEnough

margaretclare wrote: »

I've just read through the whole of this thread and come across this comment. I know little about the culture of the west of Ireland. However, just a year ago we were on holiday in Ireland based in Killarney. That weekend there was a tragic road accident that was reported in the Irish press and we read it while we were there. It was in the Inishowen Peninsula and it resulted in the deaths of 8 men. Because they'd been drinking 7 of them were packed into a mate's car for which there were seat-belts for only 5. http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/ireland/2010/1228/1224286364531.html

http://www.inishowennews.com/06BUNCRANACRASH0576.HTM

Police in any country don't 'crack down' on drink-driving just because they feel like it or because they feel some sort of grievance against people who're out drinking while they (the police) have to work. Alcohol is a factor in a huge number of road deaths and injuries, often of innocent bystanders or other drivers. It destroys the concentration, causes errors of perception and judgment, slows the reflexes. It only takes a couple of pints, and as you said, it's never just one.

Indeed, I am aware of all these things, I would never drink and drive, I am just trying to explain why many people might think it's OK to do so.

That crash in Inishowen you refer to - from what I heard, yes, the 7 men who died in the same car had been out drinking but the driver had not. He was the designated driver and totally sober so in fairness they were all trying to do the right thing. There were so many of them in the car precisely *because* they didn't want to drink and drive. Crazy I know but I doubt it's unusual for a car to travel back from a night out in a rural area over-loaded with people. I would guess that the rally-driving mentality of young lads in Inishowen may have contributed to the crash but I don't think the actual cause of the crash is known.

gratefulforhelp_2

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It'll be something along the lines of 'Oh, !!!!!!, it's that t0sser who thinks he's the life and soul of the party stumbling in again. I hope there aren't any kids playing out tonight as he's going to kill someone some day. Ugh, he really makes my skin crawl with the smell. Go away and crash your car into a wall. Do all of us a favour, including your poor bloody wife and kids who can't have a life because of you ruining it'

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I have to say that I very much doubt anyone thinks that. The pub is fairly quiet most of the time and much of his drink-driving is done when he's been at his sister's. He never stumbles or looks hopelessly drunk. If you didn't know him well, you couldn't tell if he'd much to drink at all.

Of course, you might see him walk out of the pub and into the car but it's a quiet place, there's not many people around to see. He will not usually drive back from the pub on a Sunday but he might drive later on that day.

As I said, he's well known for frequenting the pub but I can't imagine anyone around here hoping he'll drive his car into a wall and they would never consider that to be 'a favour' to anyone.

The point jojo and I are making, in different ways, is that people often do notice or suspect things when they have a little distance frrom the alcoholic.

Just because nothing has been said to you directly doesn't mean they are unaware.

Padstow

patchwork_cat wrote: »

In which case he is what is called a functional/functioning alcoholic. Google it and see, leave him and shop him.

No! The children love their dad. They would prefer that their dad was a normal dad all the time, rather than the Sunday dad.
Mum I bet, is tired out, at all this juggling.

It's not a case of OP leaves or the H leaves. There are ways around this.

artichoke

hi

I have not read all the comments - i struggled to get past the regular drink driving bits...

my father was killed by a drunk driver when i was 5 and although i do drink alcohol myself, it has made me very bitter towards those who do drink and drive..

I live in a rural place but everyone in my village knows that i mean it when i say i would report the to the police for drink driving. I have been in pubs when i lived in london when i have threatened to phone the police on friends if they tried to get into their cars.....

yes - this has lost me friends - but i could not live with myself if i let someone drive when i knew they had been drinking...

What would happen if your husband got arrested for drink driving? would he loose his job if he could not drive? ok - but just think how much worse it would be if he killed someone? or killed your kids or your friends?

Tell him you will no longer tolerate him putting your children and other people at risk. Tell him you will report him and then do it.

It might shock him by telling him, it might shock him if you carry it through - but could you live with the consequences if he killed your kids or anyone else???

sorry if this sound harsh - it has brought back memories of my mum being told my dad was dead when i was 5. I am nearly 50 now but can remember every second of the police driving up to the house and telling her.

The person who killed my dad went through a red light after drinking and got banned.....I have no idea how it affected the rest of their life

but my mum never really got over it...she did remarry, but the pain is still there..

i know it has screwed me up a bit loosing my dad at that age..

and i still can not drive as i am scared of other road users..

Please don't put yourself in the position of having to cope with knowing he killed people..

I know there are other issues in your post and will re-read tomorrow and try and be more positive but please find the strength to ask someone else to report him for drink driving if you can not do it yourself..

art

Needhelpsaving

I only read the first 2 paragraphs and this sounds exactly like the situation my mom went through.

After my mom left my dad (married 25 years), he hit rock bottom and decided that he had a drink problem - we had been telling him this for years.

The best thing my mom did was to get out of there. In our case, the drink led to violence and depression. I would advise you to do what you think is best for your family and stay strong. You can't keep making excuses for them or thinking they are going to change.

rose28454

I came across your thread whilst looking for some advice about funeral flowers. I have been through a very similar situation as the op. However if you look at my thread ( How do I reclaim my life) you will see that you can change things. I asked my oh to leave 3 years and 5 months ago and things have got better and better. Not only for me but for him also. He has been sober since 2 weeks before he actually left and is rebuilding his relationship with his grown up children bit by bit. The only downside is we are having to sell our home to clear our debts and that does make me a bit sad.
As I write I am watching tv at home on my own thinking how different things were before. Have courage and take the next step and get the life you deserve not the one you are stuck with. PM me anytime for support.

NearlyHadEnough

rose28454 wrote: »

I came across your thread whilst looking for some advice about funeral flowers. I have been through a very similar situation as the op. However if you look at my thread ( How do I reclaim my life) you will see that you can change things. I asked my oh to leave 3 years and 5 months ago and things have got better and better. Not only for me but for him also. He has been sober since 2 weeks before he actually left and is rebuilding his relationship with his grown up children bit by bit. The only downside is we are having to sell our home to clear our debts and that does make me a bit sad.
As I write I am watching tv at home on my own thinking how different things were before. Have courage and take the next step and get the life you deserve not the one you are stuck with. PM me anytime for support.

Thanks again to everyone who posted and those who have sent me PMs. I am in a bit of a bad place today and I'm not sure I trust my judgment anymore.

I think the next step I should take is go to Al Anon to see if they can help me. I am also thinking of going to see my GP because I am feeling very down at the moment. I have a separate thread about this but I don't know if everything is related really.

I'll post again when I've got something more to say.

Savvy_Sue

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

Thanks again to everyone who posted and those who have sent me PMs. I am in a bit of a bad place today and I'm not sure I trust my judgment anymore.

I think the next step I should take is go to Al Anon to see if they can help me. I am also thinking of going to see my GP because I am feeling very down at the moment. I have a separate thread about this but I don't know if everything is related really.

I'll post again when I've got something more to say.

Fair enough, but I'd say yes, go to Al Anon, you have nothing to lose by doing so. And your GP: they may also be able to help and be aware of other support groups / counselling you could access. Post when you're ready ...

elantan

good luck at al anon i hope you get some help there ... sadly it didnt help me at all ...

NearlyHadEnough

elantan wrote: »

good luck at al anon i hope you get some help there ... sadly it didnt help me at all ...

Hi elantan,

I haven't been yet but after a particularly bad weekend, I am now more determined to go.

Why didn't it help you, Elantan?