Is my husband an alcoholic?

Fire_Fox

hippychick1 wrote: »

If you said to him this sunday before he goes out, 'I don't want you to drink today, you have a problem with alcohol and you need to sort it' what would he say? I suppose it would be YOUR problem, not his. Tell him the weekly recommended limits for alcohol, this enforces your point. It may make him see its not just you that thinks its a problem.

Research shows challenges or advice like this - even from medical professionals - tends to make those with a nicotine/ drug/ alcohol problem more resistant to changing their unhealthy behaviours. The technique that the NHS Stop Smoking Service (amongst others) uses is 'motivational interviewing' which is asking open questions and allowing the client to come up with their own motivations and solutions.

Drug and alcohol services encourage families not to support or 'enable' the habit by funding it, purchasing supplies, covering up and making excuses, driving them around, adjusting the household routine and so on. That may be part of the reason why the ban on smoking in public places has been effective, as a society we are slowly stopping enabling smokers. Some addicts need to hit rock bottom before quitting becomes more desirable than continuing, sadly some will never be ready to change.

make_me_wise

OP I have been thinking over your situation today. I feel it may help you greatly to make decisions about your future, once you have tackled how you feel about yourself. You have mentioned not being happy, feeling anxious and upset and questioning every decision. Would it help to attend an assertiveness or self-esteem course? I know your kids are all teens but local Surestart centres sometimes run courses like this. You may even find the local college can advise you. I have attended both types of course, through my job, and found them quite enlightening and very useful.

Once we trust our own instincts and judgements and feel confidant about ourselves it is easier to make important decisions and then put things in place to carry them out.

Just an idea.

make_me_wise

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I wish someone would shop him and i don't want it to be me. There's the cowardice coming out again. I don't want to take responsibility.

I would do it for you too. All I would need to know would be the pub name, make/model/colour of the car and reg number. I think alot of people would be willing to shop a drink driver.

To be honest if I were in a pub and saw someone who had been drinking heavily get into a car I would immediately call the police. Im amazed none of the regulars of this pub he goes to hasn't done this already. Unless they are all up to the same thing. In which case its definately not safe on the roads around your way.

MrsE_2

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am in tears writing this so I need to go off and compose myself.

I know you are all right. I know it could be YOUR children he might kill or maim, or your husband/wife/loved one. This is what terrifies me, it's what's always terrified me.

Perhaps I've not been putting up with this for the sake of the children. Perhaps I'm just a coward, plain and simple. I don't want to face trying to sort all this out.

I suppose my excuse is being repeatedly told that it's all my fault, I'm a nag and he doesn't drink too much. But no, that's not an excuse. I'm an idiot.

If he ever harmed a hair on my children's heads, or indeed any child's head, I don't think I could live with myself. So why do I keep letting it go unchallenged. Perhaps it's the years of challenging it and not getting anything except abuse.

I'll be back when I've calmed myself down a bit. But thanks everyone for spelling things out so clearly.

Leave him (well kick him out) while you are still young enough to make a new life & find a new love for yourself.
Don't wait until he's a sick old man who gets terminally ill from some drink related disease & you are an old woman who has wasted your life on him & all you get for your troubles is to be his nurse at the end.

ETA oh & grass him up pronto when you know he's DUI

MrsE_2

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your posts. A particular thank you to those who managed some compassion to go with the condemnation.

I am not saying the condemnation is not warranted, it's just taken me by surprise I suppose. I never considered myself an accomplice but I see that's exactly what I am - I've made it possible for him to carry on doing what he's doing.

Anything I've ever read about alcoholism says that you can't make an alcoholic stop drinking nor even make them see they have a problem. Maybe I was hoping he'd see for himself what damage he's doing. He clearly isn't going to. Hence my decision to look to Al-Anon for advice as I am at a loss.

I totally understand people's bitterness and anger about the drinking and driving. It just never occurred to me to stop him. I come from a culture where drink-driving used to be endemic (rural Ireland) - it still is in some areas. If poor old Paddy got done for drinking and driving, he wasn't condemned, he was considered unlucky. "Did he not know the guards were there that night, he could have gone home a different way" was the attitude. There is no way anyone would ever report anyone else for drinking and driving. Some people still complain about how the drink-drive crackdown has ruined their social life. I don't want to generalise about the Irish attitude in general, but that was certainly my experience.

Not making excuses, just explaining the background. I've always been totally opposed to drinking and driving, would never do it myself. I just didn't feel I had the power to stop my husband doing it. Repeatedly challenging him did not work.

I have already told my children many times not to get into the car with him if he's been drinking, to phone me, but sometimes they forget or are not sure. I will re-iterate that message. I will also try to speak calmly to my husband and explain that I can no longer turn a blind eye to the drinking and driving and will report him if he does it again. I can predict what his reaction will be.

It's a fair point about choosing between the house and my children's safety. I don't really see it like that because they so rarely travel with him now when he's been drinking. Only when I've not been vigilant enough. I never really thought about it in such stark terms, I don't think I've thought very clearly for years. I've shied away from taking any action that will precipitate a crisis. Yet the consequences of this could be appalling.

I know his behaviour is unacceptable. I didn't realise mine was. I just thought I was a bit of a wuss and afraid to take positive steps to improve our lives.

It's been a tough day today, facing up to things in my head. Now I need to face up to things in real life. I hope to find an Al-Anon meeting to go to soon.

My family too are from the west of Ireland, so I know exactly what you mean.
You are NOT responsible for him drink driving, but I do think you should grass him up.
I've recently seperated & I know exactly how scary it is to "go it alone" & as for finances:(
Get some good professional advice, you've had lots of suggestions & leave him while you can still make a new life for yourself.

C_Mababejive

Only read the first post. Clearly his drinking is excessive. makes me think i have some catching up to do as i only have maybe 6 glasses of wine a week max.

gratefulforhelp_2

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I know I need to move away from the 'this is embarrassing, I hope no-one finds out' stance to 'this is outrageous and must be stopped'.

You would probably be surprised by what people know and think about him.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

You would probably be surprised by what people know and think about him.

It'll be something along the lines of 'Oh, !!!!!!, it's that t0sser who thinks he's the life and soul of the party stumbling in again. I hope there aren't any kids playing out tonight as he's going to kill someone some day. Ugh, he really makes my skin crawl with the smell. Go away and crash your car into a wall. Do all of us a favour, including your poor bloody wife and kids who can't have a life because of you ruining it'

grey_lady

I feel very sorry for the op's kids, sounds scary for them.

NearlyHadEnough

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Having been in a situation where mum left alcoholic dad, at a single stroke I didn't just lose him, I lost all my friends, my school, financial stability, my neighbourhood, my house, and also slightly my mum as she was devastated by it. Everything familiar gone in the blink of an eye. You're considering what is best for your children and the truth is that upping and going isn't necessarily best. It might be best. But it might not be. So the issues you're considering, personally I think you're absolutely right to consider.

Thanks, Belfastgirl. It is reassuring that someone else understands why I can't just up and leave. In fact, I would really not feel I have justification for leaving, I could not possibly uproot the children in that way. If anyone leaves it would have to be OH but that would devastate the children as well, despite what everyone else thinks.

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

You also need to consider your husband. He's clearly not happy one way and another. And I do know that with a close relative of mine when I told them how concerned I was about their drinking, their reaction was relief that it had been acknowledged. Have you talked properly to him - as in when you're both sober and calm?

I've tried but clearly not hard enough. I would never bother trying to talk to him about anything when he's had a drink, it's pointless and he can't remember most of it anyway. I do intend to try again.

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

The other thing is that you can threaten him with reporting him to the police as a tactic to get him to leave the house if that's something you'd consider doing. I take the point of people who are saying that you're responsible if he hits someone, but truthfully do you think that losing his licence will necessarily make him stop driving?

Do you mean make him stop drinking? No, I think he would drink even more because he would no longer have the semi-restraint of having to drive.

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Anyway just my tuppence worth. It is very easy to judge someone in your position, all I can say is that I admire you for finally stepping back and taking a long hard look at your life!

I very much appreciate your thoughts, thank you.