Is my husband an alcoholic?

NearlyHadEnough

make_me_wise wrote: »

OP I have been thinking over your situation today. I feel it may help you greatly to make decisions about your future, once you have tackled how you feel about yourself. You have mentioned not being happy, feeling anxious and upset and questioning every decision. Would it help to attend an assertiveness or self-esteem course? I know your kids are all teens but local Surestart centres sometimes run courses like this. You may even find the local college can advise you. I have attended both types of course, through my job, and found them quite enlightening and very useful.

Once we trust our own instincts and judgements and feel confidant about ourselves it is easier to make important decisions and then put things in place to carry them out.

Just an idea.

How kind of you to be thinking of me, I'm quite touched. I'm not sure why I get so anxious and worked up about trivialities. It's odd because most people who know me would say that I am very assertive and in fact a bit scary. In private, I'm not though, I'm a bit of a panicker and quite indecisive.

The thing about making this decision is that I can't get away from the fact that the only person who will be happier if OH and I split up is me. This makes it a very selfish move.

I will research some self-esteem courses/assertive courses and see what I find.

NearlyHadEnough

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It'll be something along the lines of 'Oh, !!!!!!, it's that t0sser who thinks he's the life and soul of the party stumbling in again. I hope there aren't any kids playing out tonight as he's going to kill someone some day. Ugh, he really makes my skin crawl with the smell. Go away and crash your car into a wall. Do all of us a favour, including your poor bloody wife and kids who can't have a life because of you ruining it'

I have to say that I very much doubt anyone thinks that. The pub is fairly quiet most of the time and much of his drink-driving is done when he's been at his sister's. He never stumbles or looks hopelessly drunk. If you didn't know him well, you couldn't tell if he'd much to drink at all.

Of course, you might see him walk out of the pub and into the car but it's a quiet place, there's not many people around to see. He will not usually drive back from the pub on a Sunday but he might drive later on that day.

As I said, he's well known for frequenting the pub but I can't imagine anyone around here hoping he'll drive his car into a wall and they would never consider that to be 'a favour' to anyone.

fiesta04

NearlyHad Enough, it sounds like you have had enough and realise it. I will PM you.

lemontree

Could you join a group for the relatives of alcoholics? I found that this was the answer for me when my Son became an alcoholic. They told me that he was ill and not to judge him.The main thing was , they told me not to finance his drinking but to be there when he needed practical help. I explained to him that i realised he was ill and I would always be there for him but would not give him money to kill himself! Shortly after he started one to one counciling and entered a Detox Cente and Rehab.
He has not had a drink for 4 years. Good luck to you, hope this helps.

lemontree

Sorry for poor typing should be Detox Centre. I had suspicions that my Son was becoming an Alcoholic 2 years before it was obvious and he began to look thin and ill. I think I was in denial because I did not want to beleive it!

patchwork_cat

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I have to say that I very much doubt anyone thinks that. The pub is fairly quiet most of the time and much of his drink-driving is done when he's been at his sister's. He never stumbles or looks hopelessly drunk. If you didn't know him well, you couldn't tell if he'd much to drink at all.

In which case he is what is called a functional/functioning alcoholic. Google it and see, leave him and shop him.

gonzo127

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

The thing about making this decision is that I can't get away from the fact that the only person who will be happier if OH and I split up is me. This makes it a very selfish move.

really please stop making excuses for this.

You already know one of your children no longer likes/respects their dad when drinking and i would put money on the fact the others hate it as well.

i would also put money on the fact that if you did move out with the kids they would not hate you for it, in fact i would not be surprised if they actually respected you more for it, yes there would be tears and upset to start off with because he is their dad, but you need to be their mum and protect them.

how much better will you feel in a few years if you find out that all 3 of your children start to hate you and their dad because of this issue, you have seen it in some of the other posters feeling about their parents when one of them was an alcoholic, as it is not only their alcholic parent which they hate but their other parent for not having tried to protect them from it. and baring in mind your oldest is already questioning you as to why.

also how happy would you be if one of your children decided to join in with their dad since if its ok for him you cant have a go at them either, now that would be fun wouldnt it.

now i am sorry if this seems harsh as i understand it must be difficult, however it still appears to me you are making excuses up for him and this is something you need to stop doing, yes he is ill, but you have a duty as a parent to protect your children.

lemontree

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I have to say that I very much doubt anyone thinks that. The pub is fairly quiet most of the time and much of his drink-driving is done when he's been at his sister's. He never stumbles or looks hopelessly drunk. If you didn't know him well, you couldn't tell if he'd much to drink at all.

Of course, you might see him walk out of the pub and into the car but it's a quiet place, there's not many people around to see. He will not usually drive back from the pub on a Sunday but he might drive later on that day.

As I said, he's well known for frequenting the pub but I can't imagine anyone around here hoping he'll drive his car into a wall and they would never consider that to be 'a favour' to anyone.

My Son never staggered and most of my Family do not know he ever had a drink problem!

margaretclare

I think that the definition of any addiction - and alcoholism is definitely an addiction - is that you can't do without it. From what I've heard of other - recovering - alcoholics, the need for a drink is paramount. It takes over your life. You have to start the day with a drink, and then another, and another. Same with drug addiction, smoking weed, whatever. The addict doesn't care about anything else, doesn't care what he/she does to get the next 'fix', whether to beg, borrow or steal.

I think you should leave him and take the children, remove them from this dangerous man. Have you thought of the lessons they are absorbing subconsciously from watching him? They're growing up thinking this is how a man behaves, this is normal and quite acceptable.

I just hope that I do not meet this drunken driver when I'm out driving!

margaretclare

I totally understand people's bitterness and anger about the drinking and driving. It just never occurred to me to stop him. I come from a culture where drink-driving used to be endemic (rural Ireland) - it still is in some areas. If poor old Paddy got done for drinking and driving, he wasn't condemned, he was considered unlucky. "Did he not know the guards were there that night, he could have gone home a different way" was the attitude. There is no way anyone would ever report anyone else for drinking and driving. Some people still complain about how the drink-drive crackdown has ruined their social life.

I've just read through the whole of this thread and come across this comment. I know little about the culture of the west of Ireland. However, just a year ago we were on holiday in Ireland based in Killarney. That weekend there was a tragic road accident that was reported in the Irish press and we read it while we were there. It was in the Inishowen Peninsula and it resulted in the deaths of 8 men. Because they'd been drinking 7 of them were packed into a mate's car for which there were seat-belts for only 5. http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/ireland/2010/1228/1224286364531.html

http://www.inishowennews.com/06BUNCRANACRASH0576.HTM

Police in any country don't 'crack down' on drink-driving just because they feel like it or because they feel some sort of grievance against people who're out drinking while they (the police) have to work. Alcohol is a factor in a huge number of road deaths and injuries, often of innocent bystanders or other drivers. It destroys the concentration, causes errors of perception and judgment, slows the reflexes. It only takes a couple of pints, and as you said, it's never just one.