Is my husband an alcoholic?

LillythePink

I haven't read all the pages, so sorry about that.

However, when I first started reading your opening post, it could have been written by a friend of mine, except she finally did find the courage to leave him.

He too, at weekends when he is in the island, will be in the pub from friday pm to sunday pm and be drunk most of the time, never spending any time with his daughter who loves him to bits, but can now see him for what he is (she's 11).

There are also loads of other issues to do with drink which are just too numerous to mention - the weekend drinking is only the tip of the iceberg.

He would also lose his job if caught DiC, but it just doesn't bother him one bit.

Of course, everything is my friend's fault and she is making him drink - oh and gamble! They have (in the past) increased their mortgage to pay off his gambling debts

As I said, she finally got the courage last year to dump him - they are divorced, unfortunately, still living together in the same house which is on the market. Due to certain circumstances, there are still some monetary matters still outstanding and their house hasn't sold yet. Neither can afford to move out, but also, she was told not to move out by her lawyer as it weakens her position (being the major earner in their relationship).

She said for a long time, he has a problem with drink - much the same as you're saying - she has found the courage to leave which is what you have to do for your sake and your children's sake.

Financially speaking - it's only money - your sanity and the safety of your children is more important - I know that it's easy for me to say that when I do have money in my pocket, but surely, by staying in your relationship you are slowly killing yourself and not creating a very good home or example for your kids - unfortunately and horribly as it may sound, they may grow up resenting you and hating you for not leaving him earlier.

As for him drinking and driving - report him - it's bad enough that he is knowingly doing it - he is then a danger to other road users or even pedestrians but to do it while he had your children in the car??? Your threat is no deterrent to him at all - he won't care about it as you have been pretty ineffective up to now.

Come on girl - hold your head up high and say I am worth more than this, my children are worth more than this he is worth nothing and I am not going to do this anymore.

Call the police to get him caught and then throw him out or leave..........you know that this is what you have to do.

xx

CH27

potnoodle wrote: »

nearlyhadenough, i am in a very similar situation, wondered if i was being ott in thinking my husband was alcoholic as like your husband he drinks mainly in evening, not as soon as he wakes up which I thought was the sign of an alcoholic. My husband wets the bed, i can't buy new mattresses as he will wee on them, its disgusting. He is only happy when he is smashed out of his face and a moody miserable sod in the morning with the kids when he has a hangover. My sons are 13 and 14, my eldest doesn't get on with him at all and has no respect for him as he has seen him drunk so often.

I think we both need to man up and kick them out.

Why on earth are you still there?

potnoodle_2

ch27, i know i didnt have a dad and my mum really struggled bringing me and my bro up, my bro went off the rails and ended up being hit by train - he worked on railways and was dozy after night being stoned, he was 22. so, i have just tried to keep it going as long as possible for the sake of the kids

CH27

potnoodle wrote: »

ch27, i know i didnt have a dad and my mum really struggled bringing me and my bro up, my bro went off the rails and ended up being hit by train - he worked on railways and was dozy after night being stoned, he was 22. so, i have just tried to keep it going as long as possible for the sake of the kids

Oh hun.
Get out or get him out & put yourself & your children in a place of safety.

NearlyHadEnough

FireyFaerie wrote: »

Alchoholics can not always see the harm they are causing, or the hurt. And they cannot always see that they have a problem. Until he see's that he will never change. You cant stay with someone just because of the income. Think of your kids please. It doesnt just effect them now.. it may effect them for the rest of their life in confidence, self esteem and trust!

I know everyone is right, I know I need to 'Man Up'. I am shying away from doing anything because I fear the consequences. Even though I know doing nothing could have worse consequences. I really don't know what's wrong with me, I used to be such a confident happy person.

Last Saturday he went out at 2:30. He never says where's he going or when he'll be back and when I ask him he says 'Out'. (I know, he's an a**hole.) Around 9pm he came home walking, had left the car outside the pub thank God but was so drunk he could hardly speak. Fell asleep sitting upright at the kitchen table over his dinner.

When I confronted him about it the next day, he was predictably defensive and angry. But I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't emphatic enough and I don't know whether confronting him is worth the aggro and the storming off muttering under his breath.

I am so so sick of worrying every time he heads off somewhere in the car. I have made sure the kids are never with him, but that doesn't solve the problem, I know that.

I'm a coward and ineffective.

But I *am* going to Al Anon on Thursday, it's only a small step, I need to find my backbone somewhere.

NearlyHadEnough

potnoodle wrote: »

nearlyhadenough, i am in a very similar situation, wondered if i was being ott in thinking my husband was alcoholic as like your husband he drinks mainly in evening, not as soon as he wakes up which I thought was the sign of an alcoholic. My husband wets the bed, i can't buy new mattresses as he will wee on them, its disgusting. He is only happy when he is smashed out of his face and a moody miserable sod in the morning with the kids when he has a hangover. My sons are 13 and 14, my eldest doesn't get on with him at all and has no respect for him as he has seen him drunk so often.

I think we both need to man up and kick them out.

I agree. I can offer you no advice since I am such a useless wimp myself. I think you end up living with it and it's hard to disrupt the whole family to change things.

I know people can't understand why I don't do something about my situation and I can't really explain why I don't.

My husband has never wet the bed though and I agree that you shouldn't put up with living like that.

Neither of us should.

But facing up to changing things is so scary and I wonder I'll make a bad situation worse. I see from your post further down that you have your own reasons for keeping the family together.

It's ridiculous but I can see from reading your posts that you and your kids would be better off without him, but I can't see it about my own family. Some kind of blindness seems to come down when it comes to my own situation.

emsywoo123

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I'm a coward and ineffective.

I'm not a big fan of the virtual hug thing, as I sometimes this it can re-enforce a negative situation, but I just wanted to say, FWIW, I genuinely don't think the bit I quoted is true.

You are here, on this forum, starting this thread, that was the first step. You have been braver than many already.

Now keep strong and do what is right for you and your kids.

It is very easy for other to say "do x,y and z now" but it is your life and you have to live it, we are a load of anonymous folk on t'internet!

Good luck and know that we are here for you to vent, offload, whatever you need to help you through this.

Take care xxx

wantabetterlife

I remember reading this thread when you started it and seen in pop up again and clicked on it as i wanted to see how things were going. I also lived with an alcoholic parent and i cannot explain in words the damage that it does to a child.
If your child is in the room with you now take a minute to think about how the drinking affects YOU and how it makes YOU feel and then take a look at your child because those feeling are completely mirrored in your children....they feel the same as you. They will have that constant worry at the pit of their stomach, the anxiety about what state he will be in when they come in, the fear of the two of you getting in to a row etc.
Have you ever discussed with any of them the possibility of you both going your seperate ways to see what they would say...it may surprise you. I would have given anything not to live like that but my mum was a single parent and i had nowhere to go and had to wait until i went to university to move out.
I am so glad you are going to al anon, i went and found it really good. I remember going to it and thinking they were going to tell me some magical secret about how to stop my mum drinking. For once you will be able to express what you really feel to real people who completely understand your situation. al anon is essentially about you it was the turning point in my life when i realised that i could not change anything that my mum did or did not do and the only person i could help was myself. I really hope it helps you and please let us know how you get on...i have now subscribed. Take care

BWZN93

One thing I will say about you feeling like a coward etc:

It only takes half a second of balls to set something that seems so scary or difficult in motion. It doesn't matter whether its jumping out of an airplane, picking up the phone to tell the police, telling someone its over, or just simply to get up of the sofa and wash the dishes. Half a second. You only need to think 'sod it', and all of a sudden you have reacted to that half a second and you are on your way.

I tell myself this all the time. It may be that I simply cant be bothered to get up and go for a run. Something silly. Something little. But once the body has reacted to that half second flash through your head to just bloody do it, its so much easier. My sister did it when she wanted to break up with someone and was describing it as 'like kicking a kitten'. Half a second, and she was saying the things that she desperately wanted to say.

Remember, half a second of balls to put it in motion. You have half a second of balls in you, I'm sure of it. Then you can go and be as cowardly as you want to and cry on the bathroom floor if you want to. But I bet you'll breathe a sigh of relief and realise you are actually a much tougher bird than you give yourself credit for.

x

Dotty13

I dont think that the issue with you is your husbands drinking. I think it is the fact that you are in a lonely loveless marriage. You are left to do the cooking and the cleaning, the washing and the ironing, looking after the kids and doing your own work inbetween, whilst he just saunters in, and can do his own thing (which in his case is go to the pub/have a drink). You look after the finances and the gardening as well. He doesnt even notice how much you do. You never talk and now have seperate lives. He doesnt thank you for your efforts, he doesnt appreciate you, he takes you for granted. You even prefer it when he's not around, because then you dont have to "deal with him". Yeh, the drinking is a problem, but if everything else was okay in your marriage, you would tolorate it. But you know where you stand with him and you dont want to rock the boat. You're not happy, but it isnt unbearable, and you and the kids have a nice life, that you have built up for yourselves without him. You cant rely on him to be there for you, and you are very lonely. You feel used and unloved.

You want him to be the one to change. If he would just stop drinking and BE there for you, everything would be okay. If YOU left HIM, then it would be you that broke up the marrital home, and you dont want to be the one that does that. You would never dream of ringing the police when he is drink driving, as that would mean doing something negative against him, and you dont want to be the one that does that.

BUT, he's not going to change - you will be waiting around forever. What does he have to change for? You have given him no ammunition to do so, things are just rolling on as they are. Yeh, its not ideal, but then who's marriage is? As long a it remains a household secret, and doesnt involve anyone else, then you can hide it.

Are these your thoughts? At the end of the day, the changes must come from you. You are in control of your own life, and no-one is going to come along and make everything okay again with a magic wand.

A house is just bricks and mortar - families and memories are what makes it a home, and a home can be anywhere, as long as you're happy. Leaving would mean a huge change on your behalf, a great upheaval and some unhappy months wondering if you had done the right thing. But, you said that you do everything on your own now with the kids, so the only change would be a postcode!