Is my husband an alcoholic?

essexgirly

Well I have read this thread with many thoughts, Dotty's post is just brilliant.

My partner had a massive drinking problem, unbeknown to me initially, to everybody else he was the life and soul of the party, I was always the stick in the mud, boring one who made the decision to leave parties early (2 am) cos I was driving. Then the children came along and the reasons for drinking increased, wetting baby's head etc etc. The excuses grew and so did the drinking, behind closed doors he was like a caged animal, he got emotional abusive to me, really jealous of everything from phone calls to me going shopping in tesco's. He was out of control. I tolerated so much, even enabled it buy purchasing his alcohol. Then one day, I started to clear out old stuff as we were moving to a bigger property. Well, in one morning I found about twenty empty full size bottles of vodka, this in itself set me searching, it carried on and on and on. Everything fell into place, the emotional abuse, the cuts all over his body, the dwindling finances, even the p***ing in the wardrobe.

Well you know what, I just found the strength to think of my children, who were 4, 6 and 8 at the time. I had to protect them from any further trauma. So, I kicked him out, there and then, no words, no arguments, just told him to go. He thought I was just going through a phase, his parents were emphatic that I'd have him back. NO. I did not. YES it was tough, yes it was hard financially and yes it was scarey. But I managed to cope, day by day then week by week. After all, I'd managed to look after the children all by myself prior to him not living with each other.

This was 13 years ago. And guess what, 3 months after me throwing him out and him realising what his addiction was doing, he sought help and attended AA, which he does one-day-at-a-time. Thankfully, that approach has meant he has been sober since.

Since that event, over time, we have become friends, we do things as a family more than we ever did when he was drinking. He is also a better Dad now than he ever was and has formed individual relationships with his children. We would never get back together, because things that happened in the past, but, those things were in the past, which you can change and we have both formed other relationships now. But and this is a big BUT. If I had made that decision to change our lives, our children may have been without a father now.

The moral of this long rant is: there can be two happy parents to any situation, if one can be strong and show some tough love and commitment to the things that matter the most. The children.

Good luck, be positive, nothing will change unless you make changes, we all have choices in our life.

x

potnoodle_2

jw1096 wrote: »

One thing I will say about you feeling like a coward etc:

It only takes half a second of balls to set something that seems so scary or difficult in motion. It doesn't matter whether its jumping out of an airplane, picking up the phone to tell the police, telling someone its over, or just simply to get up of the sofa and wash the dishes. Half a second. You only need to think 'sod it', and all of a sudden you have reacted to that half a second and you are on your way.

I tell myself this all the time. It may be that I simply cant be bothered to get up and go for a run. Something silly. Something little. But once the body has reacted to that half second flash through your head to just bloody do it, its so much easier. My sister did it when she wanted to break up with someone and was describing it as 'like kicking a kitten'. Half a second, and she was saying the things that she desperately wanted to say.

Remember, half a second of balls to put it in motion. You have half a second of balls in you, I'm sure of it. Then you can go and be as cowardly as you want to and cry on the bathroom floor if you want to. But I bet you'll breathe a sigh of relief and realise you are actually a much tougher bird than you give yourself credit for.

x

well jw1096, i read that, he sat down, asked what was up, and i did it, did the half a second grow some balls move and it is kind of sorted, we will separate but stay living together. thankyou, i needed that

potnoodle_2

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I agree. I can offer you no advice since I am such a useless wimp myself. I think you end up living with it and it's hard to disrupt the whole family to change things.

I know people can't understand why I don't do something about my situation and I can't really explain why I don't.

My husband has never wet the bed though and I agree that you shouldn't put up with living like that.

Neither of us should.

But facing up to changing things is so scary and I wonder I'll make a bad situation worse. I see from your post further down that you have your own reasons for keeping the family together.

It's ridiculous but I can see from reading your posts that you and your kids would be better off without him, but I can't see it about my own family. Some kind of blindness seems to come down when it comes to my own situation.

i have done it nearlyhadenough, he seemed relieved, we will have separate lives but he will live here and help pay debts off, then we will review situation, i said we are so different, i am 90% religious he is 100% good time lover, what a relief to have the conversation!
your turn xxxx

potnoodle_2

we have a spare room, now his room, his mattress, im buying a brand new one! yay ))))))

Dotty13

Its funny but it usually something so small that makes us realise that we are unhappy. Its something like leaving a cup out, or something as insignificant that makes erupt. Thats because we hold things in, to hold things together. We all need to find our own stength at our own time - it surely comes. But thats the brilliant thing about women - we are all there for each other (even if we have never met!):D

ska_lover

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I know people can't understand why I don't do something about my situation and I can't really explain why I don't.

I honestly really do feel for you, but your complacency is tantamount to neglect with the fact that he drink drives your children about and you know about it.

You know, you are wasting the best years of your life on this guy. Please don't be still in this situation in ten years, regretting it.

essexgirly

Quote: I agree. I can offer you no advice since I am such a useless wimp myself. I think you end up living with it and it's hard to disrupt the whole family to change things.Unquote#

Your self esteem hits zero and yes you just live with it. Yes it is hard to disrupt the whole family. But that disruption is short lived in consideration for the rest of their lives. You are not a useless wimp. Be strong and change things for yourself and your children. HE WILL NOT CHANGE HIMSELF.

elantan

[QUOTE=Dotty13;46169Yeh, the drinking is a problem, but if everything else was okay in your marriage, you would tolorate it.
931]QUOTE]


i dont know if i agree with this ... my husband was an alcoholic not as bad as some of the horror stories i have read on here but bad enough for me,

he is the most loving caring man i know, he looks after me well he cooks cleans supports me in what i want to do, he cant do enough for me and this now that he has stopped drinking hasnt changed ... but it was certainly not enough for me to "tolerate" his drinking, i will admit though that very often i would be tearing myself apart as i knew i had the perfect man that just so happened to love a drink... i used to ask myself why cant i accept this one foible of his? why when everything else is so good can i not put up with the drinking... the answer that i always came back to was that i am worthy of the best and his drinking was stopping him from being the best for me ...

so we split .. several times ... it came to the crunch when i told him there was no space in our marriage for alcohol and he either didnt drink or we didnt stay married anymore ... we n ow have a very strange relationship which i think both of us are still feeling our way through tbh ... but if our marriage is to survive then alcohol will not be a part of it

InsertWittyName

As someone with alcohol dependency issues I just wanted to drop by and say my heart goes out to all of you in this thread who are dealing with an alcoholic partner.

I won't go into too much detail about my own demons, but I'm a 'closet' alcoholic - I only drink on a night, never get hammered or black out, I would never drink drive and my partner is very supportive. I am really trying to (safely) wean myself off alcohol.

I am dependent on alcohol, but not as much as my family is dependent on me.

My mother was an alcoholic. Luckily my father did what any parent should do and threw my mother out when it all became too much. For a single man to get sole custody of a child 25 years ago was virtually unheard of, but he managed it.

My mother said she would change her ways, but she never did and she died an alcoholic.

I am eternally grateful to my father for what he did for me by throwing her out.

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs, wittyname.

Do you consider whether you are over the limit the morning after?

I am firmly of the belief that the first drink is the problem. What do you think?