Is my husband an alcoholic?

NearlyHadEnough

Thank you everyone for your posts. A particular thank you to those who managed some compassion to go with the condemnation.

I am not saying the condemnation is not warranted, it's just taken me by surprise I suppose. I never considered myself an accomplice but I see that's exactly what I am - I've made it possible for him to carry on doing what he's doing.

Anything I've ever read about alcoholism says that you can't make an alcoholic stop drinking nor even make them see they have a problem. Maybe I was hoping he'd see for himself what damage he's doing. He clearly isn't going to. Hence my decision to look to Al-Anon for advice as I am at a loss.

I totally understand people's bitterness and anger about the drinking and driving. It just never occurred to me to stop him. I come from a culture where drink-driving used to be endemic (rural Ireland) - it still is in some areas. If poor old Paddy got done for drinking and driving, he wasn't condemned, he was considered unlucky. "Did he not know the guards were there that night, he could have gone home a different way" was the attitude. There is no way anyone would ever report anyone else for drinking and driving. Some people still complain about how the drink-drive crackdown has ruined their social life. I don't want to generalise about the Irish attitude in general, but that was certainly my experience.

Not making excuses, just explaining the background. I've always been totally opposed to drinking and driving, would never do it myself. I just didn't feel I had the power to stop my husband doing it. Repeatedly challenging him did not work.

I have already told my children many times not to get into the car with him if he's been drinking, to phone me, but sometimes they forget or are not sure. I will re-iterate that message. I will also try to speak calmly to my husband and explain that I can no longer turn a blind eye to the drinking and driving and will report him if he does it again. I can predict what his reaction will be.

It's a fair point about choosing between the house and my children's safety. I don't really see it like that because they so rarely travel with him now when he's been drinking. Only when I've not been vigilant enough. I never really thought about it in such stark terms, I don't think I've thought very clearly for years. I've shied away from taking any action that will precipitate a crisis. Yet the consequences of this could be appalling.

I know his behaviour is unacceptable. I didn't realise mine was. I just thought I was a bit of a wuss and afraid to take positive steps to improve our lives.

It's been a tough day today, facing up to things in my head. Now I need to face up to things in real life. I hope to find an Al-Anon meeting to go to soon.

*onlyme*

OP, I apologise if my post earlier came across harsh, it is a topic close to my heart having been run over by a drink driver and having spent 3 months in hospital and many months learning to do the most basic things in life again.

I take my hat off for your honesty above as it can not be easy. I seriously wish you, your OH and your children the very best for the future and hope you can rebuild your life as a family and that your OH & his sister realise what they are doing is far from acceptable. He needs to work out what is important in his life...

Padstow

Among the knee-jerk reactions such as, "leave", "kick him out", "phone the police" and worst of all, "if he kills himself ..good". (He is I'm sure, a much loved dad with all his flaws, pigpen), are some practical posts that will be of help until you are sorted.

Fire Fox prompted a splendid reply from getting better, regarding the taxi payment on account.

You seem mentally in a good place. You know what you want, and are not worried about loneliness, as there's nothing lonelier than being in an unhappy marriage.
You realise that you may just as well be in the family home alone with the children, 'cause H is away with his mistress, the bottle.

You are trying to keep the peace, the kids are treading on eggshells. I bet they're scared to bring their friends over?

I think you have to stamp your authority and remove the car keys in the evenings and weekends. Yes he may get a new one, it's a temporary measure.

Unless you live in a rural area, I don't see why the kids are relying so much on lifts. So get them biking, walking or using public transport. Taxis, as suggested before.

So, do you really want him to leave the marital home, and how would the children feel?
Dad maybe then living in a rented flat, either getting worse, or having lost you, getting better.

Have you discussed this with the children? You and them living in the family home, and dad hopefully just down the road? Would you all be happier with that?

We know nothing of your finances. eg Mortgage, pensions, whether you work yourself? Forgive me if I missed it. We also don't know whether you handle the finances.

Here's what I would do. I would collect the salient points of the finances. I would then look for a family lawyer. Ring and ask whether they do either a free 30 mins, or a fixed price first appointment.

You then hopefully, have ammunition to face your husband with an ultimatum.

"Either get help, or you must leave. We cannot live like this anymore."

Maybe presenting it that way, backed by legal information, may focus his mind.

As I said, we don't know your financials, though as you have had a long marriage with dependent children at home, the courts should look favourably on your circumstances.


If you need specialist advice on divorce issues, wickivorce is good.

gratefulforhelp_2

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I come from a culture where drink-driving used to be endemic (rural Ireland) - it still is in some areas. If poor old Paddy got done for drinking and driving, he wasn't condemned, he was considered unlucky. "Did he not know the guards were there that night, he could have gone home a different way" was the attitude. There is no way anyone would ever report anyone else for drinking and driving. Some people still complain about how the drink-drive crackdown has ruined their social life. I don't want to generalise about the Irish attitude in general, but that was certainly my experience.

It's not just the Irish (though I know there are Irish people still driving who were never required to pass a test).

Those attitudes are still prevalent in rural parts of the UK - here for example, amongst the "old guard".

Fire_Fox

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

Anything I've ever read about alcoholism says that you can't make an alcoholic stop drinking nor even make them see they have a problem. Maybe I was hoping he'd see for himself what damage he's doing. He clearly isn't going to. Hence my decision to look to Al-Anon for advice as I am at a loss.

I just didn't feel I had the power to stop my husband doing it. Repeatedly challenging him did not work.

I have already told my children many times not to get into the car with him if he's been drinking, to phone me, but sometimes they forget or are not sure. I will re-iterate that message. I will also try to speak calmly to my husband and explain that I can no longer turn a blind eye to the drinking and driving and will report him if he does it again. I can predict what his reaction will be.

It's a fair point about choosing between the house and my children's safety. I don't really see it like that because they so rarely travel with him now when he's been drinking. Only when I've not been vigilant enough. I never really thought about it in such stark terms, I don't think I've thought very clearly for years. I've shied away from taking any action that will precipitate a crisis. Yet the consequences of this could be appalling.

I cannot see why you would warn him you are going to report him when you have already done this. That is putting yourself in the firing line, chances are he will blame you and try to get the children to blame you. He needs to directly connect drinking and driving with being pulled over by the police, not his wife shopping him with being pulled over. This is not about your vigilance, because you cannot be vigilant on behalf of every other driver and pedestrian.

Don't assume you will lose the house, your husband is obliged to pay maintenance if he is not living with you and the state can help pay your mortgage if your household is genuinely unable to. It is not in the bank's interest to have you sell at a loss or repossess. If you have, or can create, a spare room you can let it out for a tax-free profit. I wish you all the best, please do keep the thread updated. :grouphug:

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You don't have to tell him that you reported him. If they don't catch up with him the first, second or third time, keep calling (and I was told 999 is more appropriate as a crime is actually being committed as you speak). When they eventually catch him, it's not your problem.

He shouldn't have a driving licence at all - you could notify the DVLA. You could cancel his car insurance. It's invalid anyway.


NEVER get into a car with him. With that amount of drinking to your face, he's probably over the limit every moment of every day. Make all your arrangements for you and your children without him. Taxis, buses, horseback for all I care, NEVER put yourself in a position where the next place you are likely to see your children is here;




Of course he's an alcoholic. Every single word you have uttered about him tells the same tale.

We don't want to hear the tale that he is an alcoholic, he's in prison and you had to identify the battered remains of your children after he turned the car over, killed them and another woman's baby, toddler and 6 year old as they walked to visit their grandmother.

make_me_wise

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I'm not disagreeing with everyone. But I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to stop him drinking and driving, nor can I always stop the children going with him. They are now aged 14-18, I am not always aware they are going out in the car with him. I've told them not to get into the car if he's been drinking but sometimes that might mean asking him - and they know what the result of that would be - him having a tantrum.

Let the tyres down or hide the keys. Make it so he has to walk to and from the pub.

I think I would rather risk the 'daddy tantrum' than have any child of mine get in a car with a person who could end up so out of control he could kill them.

Im sorry to be so blunt and this must be an awful situation for you. It seems to me that there has been years of emotional abuse and undermining inflicted on you by your husband. So much so that you doubt your judgement and the thought of tackling all this feels unsummountable.

I think you will be suprised at how much of a release and relief removing this destruction from your life will be. At the moment you are struggling and existing, not living the life you deserve. Only you can change that and make a happy future for yourself and the kids.

make_me_wise

grey_lady wrote: »

I actually agree with mudgekin, the op is complicit with her husbands dd.

I think you misunderstood Any, mudgekin was saying that the op needs to call the police any time her husband drinks and drives before he seriously injures someone.

I totally agree with this.

*Louise*

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

I have already told my children many times not to get into the car with him if he's been drinking, to phone me, but sometimes they forget or are not sure. I will re-iterate that message. I will also try to speak calmly to my husband and explain that I can no longer turn a blind eye to the drinking and driving and will report him if he does it again. I can predict what his reaction will be.

Seriously, I think you need to concentrate on making sure they NEVER get in the car with him, and come to you instead. It's not really fair to them to have to monitor if he has had a few before they get a lift.

I must say though, well done for facing things on here - a lot of posters would have disappeared because they didn't get the 'there there' response so many look for. You have accepted your part in things and it's good to hear you want to do something about it.

I look forward to hearing about your next step - you do have that strength, you just need to use it now

(((hugs)))

hippychick1

Hi
Your life sounds like mine 2 years ago! My husband denied he had a problem drinking, it was me who was a nag, me who had the problem, everyone drinks. I posted on here just as you have, and received fantastic advice that prompted me to finally leave.

I completely understand how you have 'ignored' this problem for so long. I honestly think it becomes the norm within your family that dad drinks, and you adapt your behaviours around it. I always made sure we bought beer when we were shopping, always knew that our tiny household budget must accommodate alcohol. I knew when he had had too much, so I'd go to bed early out of his way. I adapted mine and the children's lives around his.

Looking back now what an idiot I was!!!!!! I should have stood up to him much much sooner, but talking got us nowhere, he'd manage to turn it round onto me, we'd have a huge argument, maybe not talk the next day, then things would carry on as before. I honestly don't think he ever really thought he had a problem at all.

When I left I was terrified, my children were 6, 3 and 1. Once I did it though, all I felt was relief. I was finally in control of my own life!! I'm not saying the answer is to leave, but for me it was. My life is great now, and as far as I know, he still drinks excessively. We actually get on really well now, as we talk about the kids, and have a laugh together, but his problems are no longer my problems!!

Maybe leaving might bring him to his senses? Or maybe he'll start drinking more. Whatever happens, you are not responsible for him, he is a grown man who is capable of taking care of himself.

Feel free to PM me if you need to
xx