Is my husband an alcoholic?

gratefulforhelp_2

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

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He would maintain that he's perfectly capable of driving when he's had 'one or two'.

But of course, he doesn't share the same reality as the rest of us. He lives in the world where he's one of the guys and he deserves a drink - and he's in the top 1% of competent drivers.

Nimeth wrote: »

Perhaps spending a bit of time in the lock-up might be the kick up the jaxi that he needs to sort his sorry self out.

If he kills someone drink driving he could be looking at a prison sentence - does that put loss of job into perspective?

I think you need to ask him to move in with his sister until he can demonstrate to you he has it under control.

Is it affecting his performance at work? I bet it is.

NearlyHadEnough

red_devil wrote: »

i cant see what you are getting out of the relationship it dosent sound much fun and actually at times very dangerous. Its not your fault he drinks its his. Its easy to blame others?

Does his sister know he drink drives if so what does she think?

His drinking seems to have got worse since she moved near here a few years ago. Of course she knows - he arrives at hers in a car, they drink lots of wine, he drives home. She waved him off that time they'd had nearly 3 bottles of wine, with my daughter in the front seat.

For my son's 16th birthday she gave him a card which was all about drinking and she had written inside 'like father like son'. I was furious about this but didn't confront her. I've never confronted her, another example of my refusal to face up to what's happening.

All this drinking is just a bit of a laugh, no harm in it, what's wrong with me, why do I have to whinge all the time, eyes thrown up to heaven, forgotten how to have fun - that's the attitude.

Now I'm feeling rather ridiculous for letting it all go on for so long without raising hell and taking positive action. At the same time, I'm shaking at the thought of actually taking positive action.

NearlyHadEnough

gonzo127 wrote: »

can you actually remember what your childrens laughs are like? can you remember what your own is like?

Actually, they laugh a lot, they are mostly happy kids. Their Dad is very witty and funny when he's sober. I think his ability to make me laugh was one of the reasons we got together years ago.

We don't laugh much together these days though.

RAS

Hi

Maybe get yourself down to the local Al Anon meeting to get moral support? Having someone you can talk to when you are being told it is all your fault will help.

On a more practical note, is the Child benefit paid to you? Do you have joint or separate bank and savings accounts? Are you earning? What sort of accomodation are you in?

Get your credit reports and read you bank and card statements.

Go over to the debt free wanabee forum and put up a statement of affairs, referring to this thread if you want (to explain the rather high booze costs) and go to www.turn2us.org.uk to find out what help you would get you split. Bear in mind that you would also get 25% of his income until the eldest leaves school/college and 20% thereafter.

econnin

OP

I was one of those children in that household, with the only difference being my father couldn't drive. From an early age I remember asking myself why doesn't my mum do something. I used to dread my father coming home drunk on a Sunday and in the week. My mother argued and shouted at him but when he was sober she would be all lovey-dovey. Then he would get drunk again and she would be crying again. I don't know how you react to the situation, and I am not suggesting that you act this way at all, but I started to resent my mother for not doing something positive for the family. I could see that she was weak and would never leave my father but she would threaten it all the time - I hated it.

Now I have a family of my own, my mother left my father recently after 27 years only because she met someone else (who treated her badly might I add). I had to put up with years of my dad being drunk and my mum crying over it. I asked her over and over to get a divorce, and us move out, but there were always excuses like she wanted to 'give him another chance' or she 'couldn't afford it' etc. I now resent her for putting me through it, when I think I could have had a chance to have a happier childhood and possibly with a loving step-father. My dad is still drinking, always will, he will NEVER change, they don't.

Please speak to all of your children individually and ask them how they feel about their dad and the relationships in the household. Maybe they want out too. I don't want your children to resent you like I resent my mother.

Good luck and big hugs xx

the_cat

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

Actually, they laugh a lot, they are mostly happy kids.

Perhaps on the outside. But maybe they are a little like you, going from day to day denying the level of problem but at the same time, unhappy at a deeper level?

Either way, they are noticing big problems and it is affecting them. Eldest having 'lost all respect' and them asking if he's been drinking and making themselves scarce show that his drinking is already having a big impact on their lives

Everyone else has said it spot on re the drink driving. You are knowingly and soberly playing russian roulette with the lives of others, including your own children! And aiding and abetting your OH in his criminal drink driving by continuing your silence. How much of a home will your house feel if he kills one of your children? Its the people that make a home, not the bricks and mortar. Please stop using that as an excuse before he kills someone

At the very least as a first step, make sure that neither you or your children EVER get in the car with him. He cannot be trusted not to have a sneaky drink (or 4) without your knowledge and lies about how much he has had.

NearlyHadEnough

red_devil wrote: »

i cant see what you are getting out of the relationship it dosent sound much fun and actually at times very dangerous. Its not your fault he drinks its his. Its easy to blame others?

I'm not getting anything out of the relationship any more to be honest. Haven't for some time. As I've said, if it were not for the kids, I'd have called it a day years ago. He must know this which adds to his unhappiness but we don't communicate any more.

Sometimes when I imagine us split up and him living on his own somewhere, it makes me cry. I feel sorry for him but on the other hand I can't envisage an endless future where I spend every Sunday with a drunk who clatters about the place slamming doors.

When he goes away for a few days, it's like a holiday for me, I feel different, lighter.

He is a man who has always blamed other people for everything. Even if he loses something, it's not his fault, someone else must have moved it. He is an angry unhappy man and actually, I do take responsibility for some of his unhappiness. We are an unhappy couple. But he's always been a big drinker, even when we were first together and very happy.

RAS

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

Sometimes when I imagine us split up and him living on his own somewhere, it makes me cry. I feel sorry for him.

We won't; he will join his drinking buddy. Just make sure that the terms of any contact arrangments include a total prohibition on him transporting any of the children in the car. His sister lives close enough to walk if necessary.

wannabe_sybil

I read somewhere about problem drinking

There are three 'c's.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Please get in touch with Al-anon, who I think will be really able to help you, regardless of the label on your husband's drinking.

I would also ask about how bricks and mortar contribute to your happiness compared to staying within those bricks and mortar and the relationship that doesn't bring you happiness. What would happen if you were not there?

You do not have to answer me, but you may find it useful to think about those things yourself.

Also lots of hugs - it is hard when you have been repeatedly bullied to take any sort of action.

Artaxerxes

NearlyHadEnough wrote: »

Also, getting him done for drink driving would mean him losing his job and probably us losing this house. The children have lived here all their lives. I don't know how we would cope with this.

Speaking as someone who has lost a close family member within the last 5 years, due to someone else's careless driving, please do not assume that he will not cause an accident.

Pluck up the courage to get this selfish sh*t out of your life. You will be glad you did.