heartbroken

coin_operated_girl

after giving it some more thought i dont think i should message him. Our breakup was as good as it could have been (if that makes sense). There was no heated arguments, anger or hostility, just a lot of tears, hugs and kind words. We have said our goodbyes and the last thing he said to me was that he would never forget me. I feel like this is a nice way to end what has been an amazing 6 years and the last thing he said to me was almost perfect. I don't really want to tarnish that and end up having an argument or ending things on a cold note because we were such an open and loving couple who were emotionally in tune and to end things in any other way than a loving and emotional way would be wrong and not in keeping of our relationship.

Molly41

I think you should block him/ delete him from FB as every time his status changes you will be gutted. Dont keep punishing yourself x

Bloomin_Freezing2

Morning OP, I hope you feel better about things soon. I didn't exactly go through the same thing as you but I was so in love with my boyfriend of 2 yrs when I was 19, he didn't treat me all that well, dumped me every so often for no reason (when his mates became single) and I took him back everytime. Looking back now I can't believe I did that. People told me to move on but I couldn't, I thought he was the best thing ever - how I was wrong!

I had to get used to doing things alone, we hung about in a group 3 or 4 couples, I was either alone with the other couples or or totally alone. I couldn't do anything or go anywhere without associating it with him. I wondered how I would ever get over this guy. When we first split (for the final time) I thought I'd always compare guys to him and no one would ever top him. Then he started seeing someone and I was heartbroken. In hindsight, let her have him and let him mess her around!!

I did cope though and I did get over him and now I wish i'd never taken him back the first time, I started going out with work friends on a weekend and I was soon loving single life, no one to let me down or mess me around. Going where I wanted to when I wanted to.

You've spent a long time with this guy, you have grown up woth him but you are still so young, enjoy yourself. You'll still cry every so often, that will slowly stop. You'll wonder where he is and who he is with but in time you will enjoy your life and not think about him.

Lots of love to you, we've all been there and it's not nice at all, but it does get better. xx

make_me_wise

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

after giving it some more thought i dont think i should message him. Our breakup was as good as it could have been (if that makes sense). There was no heated arguments, anger or hostility, just a lot of tears, hugs and kind words. We have said our goodbyes and the last thing he said to me was that he would never forget me. I feel like this is a nice way to end what has been an amazing 6 years and the last thing he said to me was almost perfect. I don't really want to tarnish that and end up having an argument or ending things on a cold note because we were such an open and loving couple who were emotionally in tune and to end things in any other way than a loving and emotional way would be wrong and not in keeping of our relationship.

My advice would be to keep the end of your relationship as you have written above. From personal experience I can say that trying to thrash out why its come to an end rarely gives you peace of mind or true answers. Just leaves things in a mess and you are left feeling even worse.

From the perspective of someone not caught up in this I dont think him changing his facebook picture is a big deal. If he had put a photo up of him with someone else then yes that would be gutting. The photo could have been taken at any time. Maybe even when you guys were still in a relationship and he was out with friends. It is just a small step for him to move on with his life. Start gradually moving on with yours now and I hope things work out well for you.

Percy1983

Just remember a smile on facebook doesn't mean he is smiling.

One day at a time, if you are having toruble sleeping go and see your doctor as it really won't do you any good.

Dinah93

I'm impressed with how reasoned and level headed you're being. You made the right call on not messaging him about changing his facebook picture, at the end of the day he's creating a new identity in whatever way he feels he needs to, little changes to help him feel like a person on his own rather than just a half of what he's been for all his adult life.

You're not being melodramatic with saying you want to curl up and die. We've all been there love, and it does hurt. As well as loosing the future you saw ahead of you, you've lost your best friend, the one you'd usually turn to when something like this happens. The reason people go through it again is you have to forget the pain, and you have to believe next time will be better, and you remember the highs as well and the feelings of elation being in love can bring.

I'm really humbled by your sense of dignity in your posts, and I think anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. If you didn't live so far away I'd certainly invite you for a coffee or bottle of wine so you have a shoulder to cry on or rant to. Hopefully soon when you start working you'll meet some more people, and find a supportive network who can be there for all the highs and lows in your future.

pinkshoes

If he feels the need to try and make it look like he's happy, then clearly he's not!

kdenty

I think in order to truly move on you will need to cut out all contact (including seeing what he is up to on social networks).

I met a lovely fella in my 20's which lasted 2-7 years. I say 2-8 as we were officially together about 2 but on/off for about 5 till we both knew it couldn't work. In those 5 years there was a lot of heartache for both of us as we tried relationships with other people but were still 'hanging out' so much. I think we both held each other back and in hindsight I wish I'd been brave and said 'OK lets move on, break all contact and start afresh'.

Breaking all contact will look terrible now but in the long run it is better. If one of you has doubts it isn't meant to be so don't waste your time thinking what if and trying to make it work...get out there and start finding yourself and enjoying being independant.

You never know maybe you don't have many friends and a job as he was partly holding you back. Without him you can have the determination and courage to get out there on your own and make something of yourself.

The saying it for how many years you have been together that is how many months you need to heal. Be kind on yourself and don't wonder what he is up to...wonder instead what amazing stuff you can do now you are free.

coin_operated_girl

Thanks guys, i know it sounds stupid but it does actually mean a lot to me to know that just because he changed his profile picture it doesn't mean anything. When i saw it my heart sunk, it felt like he was already going out and having fun, but you are right, it doesn't mean he actually is. I mean, i've made little changes in my life already as well, it doesn't mean i have moved on, i'm just doing what feels right.

I still cannot believe that he is not with me any more, but i think i knew this day was coming. Whilst we were fine as a couple i noticed small changes in him that bothered me at the back of my mind. Nothing major, just small things like he started to grow a beard like a month ago. He knows i don't like beards so has never done that before, but one day decided he would and all his friends were saying how good it looked so he kept it. Another thing that comes to mind is that with this new group of friends he started to do drugs, nothing major, just a bit of weed and the odd something else. I was never a big fan of this, which he knew, but at the end of the day i knew he's an adult and i have no right to tell him what to do. None of the changes mean much on their own but i did begin to feel like i was being left behind a bit and like he was trying hard to fit in with his friends more than i would have liked.

When i was on holiday and he stopped replying to my texts in his usual way i really knew it was over. I never wanted to get on that plane back to England. I even had a bad dream before i came back that he left me because he didn't love me any more, which i asked whether was true and he said no (turns out he didn't want to say anything to me as he didn't want to ruin my hol and he wanted to do it to my face). So i think i must have known in my heart what was going on, even though i still think that we were fine as a couple and there was nothing odd about the way he acted towards me before i left. I kept saying to him that i knew he was going to leave me from the second week of the hol and he said i couldn't have done because he only made up his mind the day before i got back. I believe he was being honest about this, because as i said, i can tell when something is bothering him and i know he was fine before i left. He always talked about our future as though it was a certainty during everyday conversations, for example, if we saw something cool he would say "we should get that for when we buy our own place" (or for when we get married, have children etc) and he was like that the whole way through the relationship, so i know this has come as a big shock to him as it has me.

I can't help but think that if he never met this new group of friends he would still be here with me, but i guess it would probably happen eventually.

I think one thing that is really bothering me about my future is the uncertainty of it all. I always knew that with him i was going to be OK. He is one of these people that you just know is going to be successful. He is just about to start a new job that is very well paid and hard to get into. This time next year he is planning on buying his own flat in London as his parents are giving him a load of money. As selfish and as superficial as it sounds, i am gutted that this security has been taken away from me. It is very unlikely that i will ever be able to afford a place on my own as i doubt i will ever be able to work full time due to ill health. I am half way through doing an Open Uni degree and i have no idea how i am going to fund the rest of it now that i dont have the luxury of living rent-free whilst earning some money (that was always the plan, get a lodger to practically pay for the mortgage for a few years, by that time the ex would be on very good pay). There is no one i can ask for to borrow money from- the ex always said that if i needed some for my OU course he would give it to me.

I am also going through two benefit appeals and he was going to be my representative for both of them. He put so much time and effort in to preparing for both of these- and i mean a LOT of time and effort. I don't know if i can do it on my own and to be honest i don't even want to try, but i really need the money i would get from winning them. I could probably ask my brother or dad to help me, but i know they won't do half a good a job as the ex would have done. I know with the right help i would win the appeals because i know that i am unable to work more than 16 hours due to my health- although i am hoping this will change soon. There is no one professional i can ask (such as someone at the CAB), because they all have limited funding so they only help cases where they know for sure they would win. My medical condition is rare so they haven't any experience in dealing with it so won't help me. I really don't know how i am going to do this without him

It is really helping me talk about this on here because i feel like i am slowly beginning to piece together what has happened. I know a lot of you think that he has cheated, but i really don't believe he would do such a thing. Maybe i am being naive and burying my head in the sand, i don't know. But what i do know is how devastated he looked and how hard it was for him to end things. He said he still cares about me and a part of him will always love me and i believe him. When i got back to London i found he put a £50 note in my bag. Some of you may think he is just trying to ease his conscious or buy my forgiveness (he already has that though) but i know thats not true, it is just his way of looking out for me as he knows money is tight.

Thanks again for helping me sort through this in my own head and apologies if i have repeated things from previous posts, i've gone over everything in my head so many times that i cant remember what i have posted or not.

Edit: forgot to add, we agreed on no contact (including Facebook) and i intend to stick to that, i only saw his profile by mistake, ive deleted our private message thing now so i won't happen again. We don't have any mutual friends, so thats one thing at least.

Percy1983

To be honest I don't think he has cheater either and what you about this new group of friends you are right it would have happened eventually.

If its not meant to be then so be it.

I actually finnished a relationship once which nobody could understand why at the time. As it is I was seeing a loverly girl, we got along great all was fine, but after a few months I had a niggling feeling something wasn't right despite everything being great and when a friend asked why I was thinking of splitting with her my answer was ' I could spend the rest of my life with her, but she isn't the one'. Now this all seemed an odd thought at the time but 18 months after that I met the women I am going to marry and it ends up she is a friend of said ex, now if I didn't break off the relationship at that point here is 2 problems it could have caused. 1, I could still be with said ex and would have met my wife to be, 2, wife to be accepted a short relationship with her friend as nothing too serious, if it had gone on longer it may have been a problem.

My point is everything happens for a reason even if it isn't clear exactly why at the time.

Things will get easier, just keep the good memories and in time you will add more good memories without him.