heartbroken

make_me_wise

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Another thing that comes to mind is that with this new group of friends he started to do drugs, nothing major, just a bit of weed and the odd something else. I was never a big fan of this, which he knew, but at the end of the day i knew he's an adult and i have no right to tell him what to do.

I think one thing that is really bothering me about my future is the uncertainty of it all. I always knew that with him i was going to be OK. He is one of these people that you just know is going to be successful.

Depending on what substances he may still be taking this could go a long way to explaining why he has suddenly started acting so differently towards you. Taking drugs often compromises peoples judgements and feelings.

It may be hard to see this now but you are capable of building a happy, successful and secure future for yourself. Good luck OP.

coin_operated_girl

make_me_wise wrote: »

Depending on what substances he may still be taking this could go a long way to explaining why he has suddenly started acting so differently towards you. Taking drugs often compromises peoples judgements and feelings.

It may be hard to see this now but you are capable of building a happy, successful and secure future for yourself. Good luck OP.

I don't think he does it very much, i mean he saw me pretty much every weekend and im sure he only did it when he saw his friends. I don't really know how much he did it as i didn't like that he did it at all so i just didn't ask. I mean generally he would just see his friends once every 3-4 weeks (sometimes less, sometimes more- saw them more towards the end), but i don't think he did drugs every time he saw them. He said he didn't like to mix doing drugs with alcohol as it made him feel really sick and i know usually when he saw his friends he would be drinking. Its more the fact that he started doing drugs, when before he met those people, the whole time we were dating he never touched drugs- he did use to do drugs before i met him though to help cope with the death of a friend.

Its just another change i saw in him that i wasn't apart of.

Pisces

Best of luck OP, we have all been through this. It'll take a while to get over, some say you never really get over your first love, but you'll come out the other side stronger and a better person.

Take it one day at a time, let yourself grieve for the life you have lost. Write everything you now need to deal with that you feel like you can't face on pieces of paper with a deadline if it has one. For example, sort out benefits claim, complete coursework, make one new friend. Put them in a basket and forget them, and give yourself a few weeks to just cry. Set yourself a day when you'll deal with just one (the most important) issue on just one of those pieces of paper, and then slowly, slowly you'll start to move on.

I know how hard it can be, I have been there. In all honesty it took me a long time, a lot of soul searching and a good amount of time on my own to come to terms with it and deal with it. What I realise now is that I could've taken things into my own hands sooner, and started to force myself through it rather than just waiting for life to get 'better'.

It's early days for you, but I promise things will get better and one day you'll look back and realise it happened for the best.

Slinky

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

Cheeky b*astard.

He's basically asking your permission to go and play the field then come back to you when he's filled his boots.

Change your number.

Reminds me of a friend's ex-boyfriend who told her if anybody ever proposed to her, would she please contact him before deciding to say yes! :eek:

coin_operated_girl

Just to let you guys know, tomorrow i am meeting up with the old friend from school who i mentioned yesterday. He was with his girlfriend for 6 years and they broke up about 8 months ago i think, so i am hoping it is going to help me to be able to talk to someone face to face who knows exactly what i am going through. Its not much, but at least its a start to the healing process (i hope). I guess the only thing i am worried about is that this friend sort of reminds me of my ex (geeky, but in a cute way), so i don't know if it is a bit risky meeting up with him. I mean, im telling myself i want to meet up with him because he will understand what i am going through an none of my other friends will (which is true) and also he works in London whereas none of my other friends do, but what if im actually just trying to hold on to anything that reminds me of my ex? I just hope i don't get my feelings confused and start to feel things for this friend because i know i need to grieve this relationship before i even think about moving on.

lostinrates

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

but what if im actually just trying to hold on to anything that reminds me of my ex?

You're right, its far too raw to bounce, you need to be selfish about this time and enjoy being YOU. I think that good things are in store for you. Loife will be different to how it was before you met your ex, be cause you were a just past a child then. Now you are a woman and the world soon is going to start relating to the single you in a different way, and you will, with time, relate with the world differently. Not better, not worse, but different.

Re reasons, you have a choice. You are seeing your past as being soley about your ex, you can choose to forget all of that and make a new life, but, you can also choose to remember this was also YOUR life. Your meeting up with someone YOU know. Someone YOU consider a friend. Why throw away 6 years of yourself? Value the YOU in your last 6 years.

coin_operated_girl

lostinrates wrote: »

You're right, its far too raw to bounce, you need to be selfish about this time and enjoy being YOU. I think that good things are in store for you. Loife will be different to how it was before you met your ex, be cause you were a just past a child then. Now you are a woman and the world soon is going to start relating to the single you in a different way, and you will, with time, relate with the world differently. Not better, not worse, but different.

Re reasons, you have a choice. You are seeing your past as being soley about your ex, you can choose to forget all of that and make a new life, but, you can also choose to remember this was also YOUR life. Your meeting up with someone YOU know. Someone YOU consider a friend. Why throw away 6 years of yourself? Value the YOU in your last 6 years.

Thanks, this post made me smile and feel a little bit more upbeat.

I have surprised myself with how quickly i have come to terms with everything. When he told me how he felt at first i was angry and was determined to make it work and he said he would try and so we pretended nothing was wrong. That was in the morning and by the evening i could tell his heart wasn't in it, our spark had gone and everything felt forced. I think that knowing that there is nothing either of us could have done helped me 100% accept everything- after all, you can't make someone love you. I guess now i just feel scared for the future. I leaned on him far too much, i know that. Now doing everything on my own feels daunting. I'm very ordinary looking and pretty shy so it feels like i will never meet another man who will love me. I'm sure these are all normal feelings for someone in my position, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

I have to say though, a small part of me is a bit excited for the future. Because i had him, i don't think i tried as much as i could have to make friends- mean, i moved to London a year ago and although i have tried meeting new people (attending meet up groups), i think without him i would have tried a lot harder because i just cannot go through life without making friends. I need to use this opportunity to change my life. I made him the absolute centre of my world and without him it feels like it has come crashing down. I don't want to forget him, he is an amazing person and any girl will be extremely lucky to have him, but in time, i need to move on and find someone else. Hopefully from this experience we will have a more healthy relationship where he isn't the be all and end all of my life like my ex was.

I know the next part of my life is going to be a difficult one, im starting from scratch. I have no friends near me, no job, not great health, no money and no real plans for the future any more. If i am not careful things will stay that way, so i HAVE to do things to improve my life. It is going to be so hard, particularly as my health lies in the centre of all of this and i cannot control that very much, but i cannot accept that as my future.

Sorry i know i am just rambling and im not really talking to anyone in particular, but its really helping me to write down everything i am feeling, its a bit like online counselling.

Edit: I'm not sure if this post has come across in the right way. By coming to terms with it all I just mean that I accept it is over and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm no means over the relationship already or thinking about moving on, I'm in a dark place which sometimes it feels like I will never be able to get out of but it is still very early days. I miss him so much and I still love him, but I know he is never coming back. I guess I just thought I would go through a process of denial first of all. Maybe that is still to come.

lostinrates

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Edit: I'm not sure if this post has come across in the right way. .

again, this is part of the you you will soon be meeting. Frankly, it doesn';t matter what any of us think.

I have a neurological condition too, (I developed it when a year older than you, also living in London). I don't know what your mobility is like? But.....based on what I would do in your shoes...

use this time. What are you passions? Whatever they are there is something social related to them in/around London. Have you been to all the free museums and exhibitions, if not, choose a day of the week, any day and make it your ''culture day''. You might find yourself becoming interested in something you've never really explored before. If you are a music fiend then have another ''gig'' day, if not, then include it as ''culture''. There is a lot of this you can do for free, or cheaply and as a social thing, e.g. jazz at Pizza Express with friends.

Join a book club.

KIts not all about meeting ''men'' but it is about interacting with the world, especially if you don;t work and are not sure what health has in store. If it helps I'm reminding myself of this ATM,

when you feel less brusied and raw Date. Women in UK, IME, don't date enough. Make it a goal not to get in a relationship for a defined period of time, say a year or two, but rather to go out and about with different people, having choice and learning about how you relate to different people. (of course if you meet someone you can change you mind, but the idea is not to put pressure on yourself till you have more sense of self. ) fwiw, I met dh while in my dating ''period'', seing one guy a lot and other people a bit. (nb dating doesn't mean ''promiscuous''. There is nothing wrong with safe casual sex if you want it, but there is nothing right about it if you don't )

There is no reason, after you are feleing better, to fret alone day after day, there is always dsomething to do, somewhere to go, if you are mobile and self reliant.

Enjoy seeing your friend tomorrow. You're doing really well.

Stephb1986_2

Hi, I saw your post the other day but didn't have any advice to give apart from what was already given. I think the majority of people on here have had a break up and been in the same situation I know I have and you feel like there is no end to the dark tunnel you can't see the light at the end, I can assure you that in a few weeks/months you will see it and you will come out fighting.

I sadly look at things now and think to myself that maybe this isn't forever but have a good time while you can. I wish I knew then what I know now I don't think I would of done half of the things I did do.

I think you need some time to sort yourself out so your happier in yourself. Seeing friends will help in this it doesn't matter if they are female or male or animal you just need someone as a soundboard to get your feelings out I know we're here too aswell. But getting out and doing something will make you feel better even if it's just reading a book in the park or just going for a stroll. Time is also a great healer.

Chin up love I hope that soon you will be able to see the wood through the trees

Steph xx

caledonian_princess

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

I know the next part of my life is going to be a difficult one, im starting from scratch. I have no friends near me, no job, not great health, no money and no real plans for the future any more. If i am not careful things will stay that way, so i HAVE to do things to improve my life. It is going to be so hard, particularly as my health lies in the centre of all of this and i cannot control that very much, but i cannot accept that as my future.

This is so important, you may think that you have nothing but actually you have everything - the world is your oyster. There is nothing to hold you back except you. You now have the chance to rebuild your life just as you want it to be, new friends, new job, new plans for the future. You don't have to rush headlong into that future, take your time but you do have it ahead of you so make the most of it. There may not be much you can do about your health but quite often rare conditions have small support groups - have you looked for one?

...and don't worry if you have bad days where you spend all day in your pjs with Casablanca and a tub of ice cream, sometimes a good wallow is just what you need; after all, if you've been wallowing about at the bottom of a pit all day the only way you can go after that is up!