heartbroken

MrsAtobe

OP, I'm glad that you've managed to get a good night's sleep and that you no longer feel sick. Please allow yourself time to grieve and have the occasional wallow, but don't let it go on for too long. One of my friendshad a suggestion made to her, that may help you. Buy one of those big, fat candles, and light it for a couple of hours a day. When the candle is lit, you can grieve and wallow as much as you want, but not at other times. She didn't make it to the bottom of the candle.

Hope your health continues to improve, and if I may say so, his next girlfriend has one heck of a hard act to follow.

coin_operated_girl

dizziblonde wrote: »

Skimmed and know you have a decision. I've been there - and got advice on here along the lines you had - that he must have cheated, that he was a slimeball, get rid etc etc.

He didn't cheat - I'm 100% sure of him in that (he's such a crap liar anyway).

He basically acted out of character for a few days - to the point where I was worried he was depressed - then turned around and said that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore, was considering out of the relationship, but didn't want to be without me either if you get what I mean (he was incredibly confused when he was saying all this). I was devastated - we were mid-wedding preparations at the time, and it almost killed me to do it - but I backed off and left him to come to his own conclusion.

Took him three months to figure his head out in the end - he'd panicked... cold feet at the approach of utter domesticity and him being absolutely desperate to do the right thing with everything - and he didn't quite know why he was feeling all of that - and misinterpreted it as an "oh crap do I not love her anymore then?" If I would have pressed him into any decision back at the start of it all - he would have ran, simple as and it almost killed me to back off, carry on as normal (we set ourselves a timeframe as to how long we'd leave it) and let him work it all out in his head... and given that time - he did unwravel the emotional knot he'd worked himself up into - and we made it out the other side unscathed (well I felt emotionally like I'd done 10 rounds in the boxing ring but still!).

Having said all that - I had very very good gut instincts about this being what was actually going on (although I'd started making financial plans for splitting if we had to - wasn't going to risk being that sad woman who kidded herself), as did his mother - but you can't TELL someone to sort their head out and love you - it's got to come from them alone... and I did cry when jsut before that Christmas he hugged me and told me "love you" again.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, you can get all sorts of advice on here - I tried, but people did misinterpret the situation we were in and I know my fella very very well (like I say -he's crap at hiding stuff bless him), and I went with my instincts and things played out the way they were meant to in the end. Lots on here will immediately jump to the worst conclusions about me - only you know the situation you personally are in at the end of the day. Give him space, start to move on with things, you may well find that when he unmuddles his head he comes back - or it wasn't meant to be (and in the meantime you've started working on the new improved you if that's the case).

Incidentally the stuff I'm describing happened well over 2 years ago now (it's probably in my posting history... somewhere!) - the fella's now my husband and we have a mortgage and grown up stuff like that.

A part of me feels like this is what will happen to me and my ex. I haven't been crying that much or anything yet even though i am incredibly upset and hurt, i really feel like my heart has been smashed to pieces. I know its over, it just that it feels like it is only over for now and one day he will come back. I guess i feel like this for a number of reasons: 1. he was so unsure of his decision, he kept saying that he thinks that this is what he wants but he doesn't know, 2. the quickness of his decision, i feel like he made up his mind in a matter of days which is very quick considering the length of our relationship, 3. he asked me if he ever changes his mind, even if its like a year later could he get back in contact, 4. less than a month ago he was asking me to get my engagement ring finger measured- he was absolutely fine before i left, he said so himself, and i just cant understand how he can suddenly fall out of love so quickly.

I know its dangerous to think like this and he may well never come back, only time will tell. I'm really trying not to think like this, but i can't help it. On the other hand a part of me thinks that this is probably just all part of the breakup process and that most people probably think like this for a while and it is actually well and truly over. The important thing is i am already trying to move on and i am determined to not hang around and wait. I am making plans already and, like you, i don't want to be that woman who kids herself that he will definitely come back.

Percy1983 wrote: »

There is no right or wrong answer there, just do what you want.

I will say in my big heart break many years ago I had a little basic car and I used it to keep me entertained, I ended up fitting remote central locking, electric windows, new sound system, alloy wheels etc and gave the engine a full service.

By all means that isn't a suggestion of what to do, but in my case it had 3 good things:

1, It kept me distracted.
2, It made me happy/proud to see the end results.
3, It had on going benefits for just being a better/nicer car.

I have always said that where many women change there hair cut in these situations, I had not much hair and a rubbish car so I changed that.

Its just finding that thing that can make you happy, is there anything you have wanted to do but just never got round to it?

I cant really think of anything to be honest. I guess the one thing is that with regards to making friends i know i didn't put as much effort into it as i should have because i always thought my ex would be there and i did turn down opportunities because i would rather see my ex than try and make new friends (e.g. i used to see him every weekend, so i never attended meetup things on the weekend).

coin_operated_girl

MrsAtobe wrote: »

OP, I'm glad that you've managed to get a good night's sleep and that you no longer feel sick. Please allow yourself time to grieve and have the occasional wallow, but don't let it go on for too long. One of my friendshad a suggestion made to her, that may help you. Buy one of those big, fat candles, and light it for a couple of hours a day. When the candle is lit, you can grieve and wallow as much as you want, but not at other times. She didn't make it to the bottom of the candle.

Hope your health continues to improve, and if I may say so, his next girlfriend has one heck of a hard act to follow.

Thank you, i know we are all just faceless strangers on the internet, but that really does mean something to me

coin_operated_girl

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

A part of me feels like this is what will happen to me and my ex. I haven't been crying that much or anything yet even though i am incredibly upset and hurt, i really feel like my heart has been smashed to pieces. I know its over, it just that it feels like it is only over for now and one day he will come back. I guess i feel like this for a number of reasons: 1. he was so unsure of his decision, he kept saying that he thinks that this is what he wants but he doesn't know, 2. the quickness of his decision, i feel like he made up his mind in a matter of days which is very quick considering the length of our relationship, 3. he asked me if he ever changes his mind, even if its like a year later could he get back in contact, 4. less than a month ago he was asking me to get my engagement ring finger measured- he was absolutely fine before i left, he said so himself, and i just cant understand how he can suddenly fall out of love so quickly.

I know its dangerous to think like this and he may well never come back, only time will tell. I'm really trying not to think like this, but i can't help it. On the other hand a part of me thinks that this is probably just all part of the breakup process and that most people probably think like this for a while and it is actually well and truly over. The important thing is i am already trying to move on and i am determined to not hang around and wait. I am making plans already and, like you, i don't want to be that woman who kids herself that he will definitely come back.

As you can probably tell, my head is all over the place and my feelings and thoughts are changing a thousand times a minute and in all honesty, i just dont know what to think. I think it still hasn't hit me properly yet and i am expecting a bit of a crying session with my friend later.

coin_operated_girl

Hi guys,

So i met up with my friend last night and it was a great help. He is a really easy to talk to and we both talked about our breakups and everything else in between. I am hopefully meeting up with him on Sunday and he said that i can meet up with him for lunch during the week when ever i want a chat. He also said he will try and introduce me to some of his friends from work who live in London.

An old friend from school also invited me to a party she is having at the end of the month. Every year she has a big party for her bday and usually i dont bother going because its not in London so it would take up the whole weekend when i would normally see my ex. So i am definitely going to go to it this year.

I also went on meetup.com yesterday and have found a couple of groups that interest me. I messaged one person who is the same age as me (a lot of people in these groups seem to be 30's+) whose profile i liked (sounded quite similar to me) and asked if he fancied trying to rope in a couple of other people our age to meet up one day and he said he is up for that.

I guess one thing i have realised over the past couple of days is that i really should have made more effort to make my own friends rather than rely on my ex as the sole person to keep me company and that i really needed to be doing more things on my own so i have a life outside of him. Whilst this may not have been the exact reason he left me, it probably contributed towards it. I mean, who wants a girlfriend with no friends and who you have to do everything for? I feel like i want to message him to let him know that i have seen where i went wrong and that i am trying my hardest to fix it. Part of me thinks that i shouldn't and that i should give him time. But the other part of me thinks that maybe i should, because if i don't, he will never know that i am changing. Whatever i do, i will need to give it a bit of time as its early days yet and i would like to actually establish a group of friends first of all and hopefully get a job. I was just wondering what everyone else thinks i should do? I mean i know that if i tell him i have friends now hes not going to suddenly go "great! i love you again!", but maybe he would be more willing to give it a go.

balletshoes

you should definitely sort out your own life, get your own friends and your own job, before even thinking about contacting your ex again. If thats whats been missing from your life, fill the gap for life, not just for a relationship.

Percy1983

For the time being stay away from contacting him and just be happy, it looks like things are going great for you so just keep going.

You seem much more positive now which is good, it seems you have found that world out there and are getting out into it.

Just a thought but if you get a life of your own going would your ex even fit into it? from the sound of it the biggest thing you had in common was each other.

Basically just get out there and 'find yourself' as such, if you and your ex are meant to be you will be brought back together, if you are meant to be with somebody else you will find them while being yourself in the big wide world.

Glad things are looking up.

coin_operated_girl

Percy1983 wrote: »

For the time being stay away from contacting him and just be happy, it looks like things are going great for you so just keep going.

You seem much more positive now which is good, it seems you have found that world out there and are getting out into it.

Just a thought but if you get a life of your own going would your ex even fit into it? from the sound of it the biggest thing you had in common was each other.

Basically just get out there and 'find yourself' as such, if you and your ex are meant to be you will be brought back together, if you are meant to be with somebody else you will find them while being yourself in the big wide world.

Glad things are looking up.

I know it has been less than a week, but i feel more positive already. I guess i am just a bit excited for the future. I know what you mean about whether my ex fit into my new life...but i would still love him to be by my side. I guess i was perfectly happy to not really see anyone else other than him because i loved spending time with him. We had such a good time, we rarely argued and always made each other laugh. But who knows, im probably going to be going through some changes myself in the next few months and maybe i will eventually enjoy being single.

I have to admit, although the first couple of days were so hard and i felt like my life had ended, yesterday and today i haven't been feeling so cut up about it. That makes me sad in a way because i feel like i should still be in the 'wanting to die' stage as the relationship was for a fair amount of time and i loved him so much, he really was my world and i thought we would be together forever. Part of me thinks that this is because maybe i didn't love him as much as i thought i did. Part of me thinks that maybe its because i feel like he might come back to me. Part of me thinks that its just because im excited for the future and part of me thinks that it still hasn't hit me yet and in a couple of weeks i will suddenly break down.

Don't get me wrong, i am still crying sometimes and i still feel sick a lot of the time (although that is getting better). I feel so empty that i have lost my best friend, but, i dunno, i just dont feel as bad as i ever imagined i would.

Percy1983

Just a thought but maybe the phrase 'time heals all wounds' is actually true.

Everyday will be easier and one day you will look back and think 'what was that all about'.

Just don't feel bad for feeling positive, there is no shame in looking forward.

You do seem to be analysing your own thoughts a little too much, if you feel happy don't question it, just go with it.

CheeseCat

I really really hope that you're doing all this for you and not just so you hope you can show your ex bf that you've changed. Don't keep thinking about how you wish he could see what changes you're making - make them for you!:D

Also, even if you get in another relationship you should really make an effort to keep the friends you build up - one weekend a year away from your bf wouldn't have been that much to attend these yearly parties and you might make more friends from going!

There was nothing more annoying with some of my old friends than the fact that when they got in a relationship I wouldn't see them for dust, yet when they were on their own they wanted to do things socially all the time - like us friends were just their stopgap. A relationship shouldn't be all consuming

Good luck with your meet up!