heartbroken

coin_operated_girl

Hello,

Just looking for a bit of advice and someone to talk to...

I went away on a family holiday for 2 weeks and came back to find my boyfriend of almost 6 years saying that he doesn't think he loves me any more. I don't understand what is going on, we were fine (at least i thought) before i went away, its not like we were going through a rough patch or anything, in fact, a couple of weeks before i went away he asked me to get my engagement ring finger measured. About a week into my holiday i could tell there was something wrong, he didn't really reply to my texts, and when he did he didn't say he loved me or missed me like he normally does and like he did the week before.

When i got back to England he came to pick me up from my mums house to take me back to London (we currently don't live together, we used to but financial difficulties got in the way). When he came to pick me up he told me he doesn't want to be with me any more but would take me home. When we got to London we talked and talked and he ended staying the night- we slept head to toe though- because he said he was no longer sure what he wanted and he would make a decision in the morning when he was able to think clearly. In the morning he said that he wanted to leave, but when it actually came down to it he couldn't do it. He says he doesn't think he loves me any more but isn't sure because he is finding it so hard to go. We decided we would give our relationship a go so i have come to his parents house (who are away on holiday) so we can have some quiet time together.

I have no idea how to act around him, whether i should pretend nothing has happened or whether i should just leave him alone. I know that he has no idea either, on one hand he is inviting me to do something with him on the weekend and on the other he is saying we will just have to see how we feel in the morning. He isn't being himself around me, hes not hugging me or holding my hand like he used to and he just keeps saying we will just have to wait and see what will happen about us. I get the impression he is trying to distance himself from me to prepare me for the worst, but isn't ready to let go just yet. Like right now, we are currently sitting in separate rooms as he says he doesnt feel like doing anything.

He said that he completely understands if i do not want to try and that he isn't promising me anything. I want to try so much but i think in my heart i probably know its over. I just cant believe it, he is my best friend and i cant imagine my life without him. I met him when i was 18 so i sort of feel like we have grown up together. It wasn't that long ago we were talking about getting married, having children and buying a flat together. I felt so sure we were going to be together forever. Then this happens and i dont know what to think. Nothing feels real, i keep thinking this is a bad dream and im going to wake up. He just says that whilst i was away he didn't miss me as much as he used to and he thinks the time apart has made him think that he doesn't love me any more. If he has fallen out of love with me then i guess theres nothing i can do- no amount of "trying" is going to fix that.

I just dont know what to do. Whether i should wait around for him to decide or whether i should just go.

Thanks if you have read all of this, i dont have anyone i can talk to in real life. Apologies if it doesn't make sense, i havent slept in about 48 hours as i couldnt sleep last night and i couldn't sleep the night before as i was on a plane.

*max*

It sounds as if he has a guilty conscience. Maybe he fooled around while you were away, and doesn't know how to tell you?

coin_operated_girl

I did wonder this too due to his sudden change, but i really dont think he would do this to me. He said there was no one else involved and that he doesn't want to be with anyone else. He did also say that he thought about telling me that he cheated on me as he thought it would make it easier for him to leave me if i was really angry at him...i dont know if that was him trying to drop a hint or not. I really dont think he would cheat on me - i guess everyone thinks that though

*max*

Whatever happened, it's really not fair for him to say "we'll wait and see what happens", basically leaving you in limbo while he makes his decision. I think you should have another talk, tell him he owes you a better explanation than "I don't think I love you like I used to", and if he insists he doesn't know what he wants, you should tell him you will go and leave him to think then. You won't contact him. If he wants to be with you, he'll come back. If not, at least you've not lost your dignity hanging around waiting for him to decide the future of your relationship. I wish you all the best, I know it's hard!

Bettybigboobs

Similar thing happened to me....he had started seeing somebody else. It went on for 7 months before he finally admitted they were "more than friends!"

make_me_wise

I cant fathom what may have gone on to be honest. I was going to say maybe he is going through a midlife crisis but then I noticed you have been together 6 years and met at 18. Bit early for all that.

If I were in your shoes this is what I would do; print off the post you wrote, hand it to your boyfriend and say 'Here, this is exactly how I am feeling, I want to know exactly what you are feeling because living like this is agony'. Tell him you are going back to your mums/a friends house whatever, as you need to distance yourself from the distress that his sudden change of heart is causing. Say he has 2 days to get his head straight and decide what it is he wants. That you deserve better than to be treated so shabbily and will not hang around for him forever.

For someone who is going through what you are emotionally at the moment, your post is a very articulate and well worded piece of writing. It reads very well, doesn't come across as over emotional. Just obviously written from someone who has been completely thrown by this change of heart in her bf and who feels at a total loss.

You deserve better than to be treated like this hun.

Lunar_Eclipse

*max* wrote: »

It sounds as if he has a guilty conscience. Maybe he fooled around while you were away, and doesn't know how to tell you?

I agree with this.

His behaviour sounds very familiar, speaking from experience. It transpired that he couldn't bear to be near me because of the guilt.

I'm also really sorry to say this, but his pretence of saying he has cheated on you so that you will be angry also supports my opinion, in that it screams coward of owning up to what's occured.

I'd give some brief pre-thought to this scenario (in terms of whether or not you would want the relationship to continue), ask him outright and then talk about whatever comes up.

Good luck. I think the unknowing is the worst bit.

RachelS

I agree completely with what makemewise wrote, I think it's very wise advice. I have gone through something similar in the past and I know how terrible it feels, so huge hugs from me, I am so sorry.

go_cat

Just don't let him string you along and use you to go to bed with without him "making his mind up" ... this indecision could go on for months

LEJC

Sometimes you just have to face up to the fact that something isnt working so its time to leave...it sounds to me that he has met someone but hes not sure where its going to lead him...

The problem for you is that you cant wait around for him to decide that he either wants to stay with you or find someone else...but a word of caution...if hes not happy he will continue to search for happiness...and sadly that may not be with you.

LEJC

There could also be an element of him not wanting to discuss the situation with you because he doesn't want to be the one to break it of..in as much as if he makes things awkward for you then you will end it and he then doesn't have the guilt at being the one who called it off....either way its a situation that shouldnt continue...its not fair on either of you...so the sooner you start to talk frankly and honestly the better...