heartbroken

Giddytimes

I have to agree that it sounds as though he's cheated and is now feeling guilty. Not ethical, but in your situation I'd be trying to check his phone.

In regards to how to behave, presuming I didn't find anything in his phone, I'd be trying to be upbeat and making the most of the time at his parents. It's hard but being emotional and trying to talk to him about it all the time is just likely to push him further away, you can't force him to talk about it.
Show him what he's missing/that you're not completely dependant on him. Keep your mind occupied and try and remain positive. Do something you enjoy this evening, even if he wants to sit in another room. Pamper yourself, watch your favourite movie, bake, go for a walk, whatever might pick you up and take your mind off things for a while.
I'd also try and plan a fun day out for the both of you tomorrow. Sitting in a house ignoring each other and expecting problems to sort themselves out is not healthy for either of you.

coin_operated_girl

make_me_wise wrote: »

For someone who is going through what you are emotionally at the moment, your post is a very articulate and well worded piece of writing. It reads very well, doesn't come across as over emotional. Just obviously written from someone who has been completely thrown by this change of heart in her bf and who feels at a total loss.

You deserve better than to be treated like this hun.

Thank you. My head is all over the place at the moment, but i guess the main thing im feeling is numbness. I am just completely shocked.

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I agree with this.

His behaviour sounds very familiar, speaking from experience. It transpired that he couldn't bear to be near me because of the guilt.

I'm also really sorry to say this, but his pretence of saying he has cheated on you so that you will be angry also supports my opinion, in that it screams coward of owning up to what's occured.

I'd give some brief pre-thought to this scenario (in terms of whether or not you would want the relationship to continue), ask him outright and then talk about whatever comes up.

Good luck. I think the unknowing is the worst bit.

After reading your post i decided to ask him outright whether he cheated on me. He said that he hasn't and i believe him. I may be stupid for believing him, but i really don't think he is capable of doing such a thing.

After reading everyone's posts i think its clear what i have to do. I need to leave and tell him that he has a couple of days to make his mind up and after that he is not to contact me any more.

I guess the thing that is making it harder and very confusing for me is that he is saying he wants to "try". But if he has fallen out of love with me then what is there to try for? Its not like im getting on his nerves or he just wants a bit more space- things like that can be worked through...he cant make himself love me though. I mean stuff has always been hard for us, i havent worked in about 3 years due to ill health. This means that i never have any money to do things, i dont go out that much, i hardly know his friends as when they go out ive never felt up to it. On top of this he has to help me A LOT with sorting out a load of benefit stuff (appeals etc). So i guess i could understand why he is unsure; we never do stuff like a normal couple and i guess sometimes its more like he is my dad than my boyfriend with the amount of stuff he does for me (i keep telling him he doesn't have to do anything for me, but he wants to).

A week before i went on holiday i was given some new medication and so far it is working brilliantly, im really hoping i can get back to work soon- i was planning on job hunting as soon as i got back, but then all this happened (only got back yesterday though). So all of the above stuff can be sorted out between us and perhaps we could be more like a normal couple...but this is going to be a long and slow process. I can't just jump straight back into work, i need to do it slowly and its going to be a long time before i find an employer who is willing to take me on and willing to pay me for my time as well.

When we talked about all this stuff and how things should improve for me, thats when the doubts came in about whether he wants to leave me or not. He said maybe things will be different and that he will feel differently towards me, but i don't know. Its not like he said he's unsure about us because he is fed up with looking after me or because he wants a girlfriend who is able to do normal things like go out in the evening. Falling out of love with me is so much more difficult than this.

rachelhen

Couls he be depressed? Have other things changed is he taking less interest inlife generally?

RachelS

After reading everyone's posts i think its clear what i have to do. I need to leave and tell him that he has a couple of days to make his mind up and after that he is not to contact me any more.

This is what I'd do.

When you were saying you didn't work for 3 years...I don't want to pry, but I am wondering if you were depressed rather than a physical problem? Because if so, I need to tell you my husband stood by me through years of depression, and as soon as I recovered fully, he started to talk about leaving me.

Partly the levels of resentment built up from being a carer for so long were too much. When I was ill, it wasn't my fault, as soon as I was well, I could be blamed. But also, my depression had been masking his own problems...one of the reasons I BECAME depressed was that he didn't take on many responsibilities in our life, and the added pressure made me stressed. But when I was ill, I was always the 'ill' one and he was the 'rock', which disguised this. Once I got better, it became apparent that actually, he didn't do a lot of important things, and this caused friction.

Anyway, maybe it's a physical illness you had, and even if not I certainly don't want you to feel you have to share on here, but I thought I'd let you know anyway.

As to my relationship...6 months on from my recovery, I don't know if he's staying or not.

coin_operated_girl

rachelhen wrote: »

Couls he be depressed? Have other things changed is he taking less interest inlife generally?

I personally wouldn't have said that he is depressed, but he said that maybe he is or maybe his head is just a bit messed up, which again is another reason why he said he wants to try, i mean i think its fairly normal for people to have doubts sometimes.

He is starting a new job soon in London, which means moving to a new place (much nearer to me, so things were supposed to be looking up for us) and he has a fairly new group of friends and i feel like im being left behind and there is no room for me in his future. Over the past month or so i have noticed little changes in him which mean nothing on their own, but made me feel like he is beginning to change and it has crossed my mind that i wouldn't be involved in his plans. But at the same time, everything still seemed fine between us and he mentioned a while ago that he had thought about what type of engagement ring to get me etc. Im just so confused and devastated. I really thought we could overcome anything together.

coin_operated_girl

RachelS wrote: »

After reading everyone's posts i think its clear what i have to do. I need to leave and tell him that he has a couple of days to make his mind up and after that he is not to contact me any more.

This is what I'd do.

When you were saying you didn't work for 3 years...I don't want to pry, but I am wondering if you were depressed rather than a physical problem? Because if so, I need to tell you my husband stood by me through years of depression, and as soon as I recovered fully, he started to talk about leaving me.

Partly the levels of resentment built up from being a carer for so long were too much. When I was ill, it wasn't my fault, as soon as I was well, I could be blamed. But also, my depression had been masking his own problems...one of the reasons I BECAME depressed was that he didn't take on many responsibilities in our life, and the added pressure made me stressed. But when I was ill, I was always the 'ill' one and he was the 'rock', which disguised this. Once I got better, it became apparent that actually, he didn't do a lot of important things, and this caused friction.

Anyway, maybe it's a physical illness you had, and even if not I certainly don't want you to feel you have to share on here, but I thought I'd let you know anyway.

As to my relationship...6 months on from my recovery, I don't know if he's staying or not.

I do not have depression, i have a neurological disorder but i guess some of the stuff you posted still felt true. He possibly does resent me for caring for me, especially as we are young- which i certainly dont blame him for, although he chose to help me, he didnt have to do everything he did for me. I mean, i can function on my own, im not completely dependant on him or anything, but he does do a lot because he loves (loved?) me. He really looked after me and was definitely my rock.

Im so sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. It must be awful going through it for 6 months. Its been just over 24 hours for me and already i cant bear it.

babymoo

My ex told me that he didnt think he loved me anymore and that was enough for me to say fine then cya. I wasn't prepared to hang around for weeks/months to wait for him to work out what I wanted. I made the decision for him and figured he would come running back if he wanted me, he didnt and I am so thankful he didnt.

As much as it hurts, call his bluff, if you think your going to lose him anyway then at least be the one in control of it, if he thinks he has truly lost you and does love you it wont take him long to come running back with his tail between his legs.

Errata

he has a fairly new group of friends

I bet he's seen more of them whilst you were on holiday and realised there's more to life than being in a twosome, especially if some of the new friends are footloose and fancy free blokes who aren't wrapped up in getting married, having children, buying a house, but are living it up. Which is what 24 year olds do before they settle down for the rest of their lives.

esmf73

Just had to say that regardless of what you think he's "put up with" you have probably put up with the same amount - couples support each other. That said, he doesn't seem to be thinking like part of a couple at the moment. Although it will hurt (breakups always do) I'd suggest that you give him a couple of days, BUT during those few days you move on with your life. That way if he doesn't decide in your favour, you have already put wheels in motion.

Best of luck however it pans out.

Lunar_Eclipse

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

After reading your post i decided to ask him outright whether he cheated on me. He said that he hasn't and i believe him. I may be stupid for believing him, but i really don't think he is capable of doing such a thing.

Really pleased to hear that, and well done for asking him.

I'm really not sure what I would do in your situation to be honest.

As much as you shouldn't wait around for ages whilst he makes his mind up, I also don't think I'd be too quick to walk away either if you were happy in your relationship up until this happened.

Relationships have ups and downs; dare I even say many couples have periods of questioning whether they love the other person, so I suggest you do what you feel comfortable with. You only came home from holiday yesterday. I'd consider talking a bit more about what happened while you were away, how you noticed a change in his texts, when and how he arrived at his decision to tell you his news and so on.

I appreciate what everyone is saying with the 'call it a day' replies, but I also don't see the need to be hasty about such potentially important relationships in life.