heartbroken

coin_operated_girl

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

Cheeky b*astard.

He's basically asking your permission to go and play the field then come back to you when he's filled his boots.

Change your number.

I deliberated about whether to post that or not because i know it comes across as exactly that. I dont think he meant it like that though. He just meant that he is not 100% sure of his decision and wondered if he ever changed his mind would it be ok to contact me- because if i said 'no' then i know he would respect that.

pinkshoes

My ex of 5 years did the same to me. After acting a little strange all weekend (whilst at a wedding in Paris!), when we got home he declared he didn't know how he felt about me any more, and wasn't sure if he loved me.

It wasn't what I was expecting, although he had had his doubts a couple of years ago too.

I spent 48 hours devastated, trying to be the perfect g/f, giving him space etc... but realised that if he wasn't sure after 5 years together, then I wasn't the girl for him. I made the decision for him, and ended it.

Oddly, it was a massive weight of my shoulders. I was almost 30 at the time, so not a great age to end up on your own, but better than spending my life with someone who didn't see me as his ideal girl!

After that, I met a wonderful guy, who thinks I'm lovely, and we have a little boy together!

Looking back, I can now see all the warning signs, and am very pleased that I made the decision to walk away.

MichaelCR

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Hello,

Just looking for a bit of advice and someone to talk to...

I went away on a family holiday for 2 weeks and came back to find my boyfriend of almost 6 years saying that he doesn't think he loves me any more. I don't understand what is going on, we were fine (at least i thought) before i went away, its not like we were going through a rough patch or anything, in fact, a couple of weeks before i went away he asked me to get my engagement ring finger measured. About a week into my holiday i could tell there was something wrong, he didn't really reply to my texts, and when he did he didn't say he loved me or missed me like he normally does and like he did the week before.

When i got back to England he came to pick me up from my mums house to take me back to London (we currently don't live together, we used to but financial difficulties got in the way). When he came to pick me up he told me he doesn't want to be with me any more but would take me home. When we got to London we talked and talked and he ended staying the night- we slept head to toe though- because he said he was no longer sure what he wanted and he would make a decision in the morning when he was able to think clearly. In the morning he said that he wanted to leave, but when it actually came down to it he couldn't do it. He says he doesn't think he loves me any more but isn't sure because he is finding it so hard to go. We decided we would give our relationship a go so i have come to his parents house (who are away on holiday) so we can have some quiet time together.

I have no idea how to act around him, whether i should pretend nothing has happened or whether i should just leave him alone. I know that he has no idea either, on one hand he is inviting me to do something with him on the weekend and on the other he is saying we will just have to see how we feel in the morning. He isn't being himself around me, hes not hugging me or holding my hand like he used to and he just keeps saying we will just have to wait and see what will happen about us. I get the impression he is trying to distance himself from me to prepare me for the worst, but isn't ready to let go just yet. Like right now, we are currently sitting in separate rooms as he says he doesnt feel like doing anything.

He said that he completely understands if i do not want to try and that he isn't promising me anything. I want to try so much but i think in my heart i probably know its over. I just cant believe it, he is my best friend and i cant imagine my life without him. I met him when i was 18 so i sort of feel like we have grown up together. It wasn't that long ago we were talking about getting married, having children and buying a flat together. I felt so sure we were going to be together forever. Then this happens and i dont know what to think. Nothing feels real, i keep thinking this is a bad dream and im going to wake up. He just says that whilst i was away he didn't miss me as much as he used to and he thinks the time apart has made him think that he doesn't love me any more. If he has fallen out of love with me then i guess theres nothing i can do- no amount of "trying" is going to fix that.

I just dont know what to do. Whether i should wait around for him to decide or whether i should just go.

Thanks if you have read all of this, i dont have anyone i can talk to in real life. Apologies if it doesn't make sense, i havent slept in about 48 hours as i couldnt sleep last night and i couldn't sleep the night before as i was on a plane.

I've recently gone through a rough break up with my ex a few weeks ago.

I know its hard, And i know it feels like the end of the world right now.

But you have to stay strong, and stay focused.

The hardest part is the realization that you are alone now, And having to find who you are again, But hang in there, As time passes the pain gets lighter, And you will feel better.

Stick to No Contact, Because you will need to give your body and mind time to recover, Recovery is achieved from absence of the problem, The problem being someone who's broken your heart. By giving your self time, And space from them, By not contacting them, You are allowing your self time to recover ! Much like a smoker who's giving up smoking, The longer you stay away from the problem, The easier it gets through time. But as soon as you give in, You are back to square one.

I wish you all the best in these tough times, And trust me, Everything will be okay.

zaksmum

My ex son in law was like this too. Didn't know what he wanted...after 7 years together and 4 months of marriage!! You would've sworn he hadn't cheated. He was the most convincing liar I've ever known and he fooled everyone else too.

Then it was "I've just met someone but I haven't slept with her, I promise you"...that came back to bite him as it turned out the (married) woman was already pregnant by him!

My daughter divorced him and is now very happy with her partner and their baby.

OP, you will meet someone else who is worthy of you and will treat you with love and respect. Dump this loser.

Lotus-eater

zaksmum wrote: »

OP, you will meet someone else who is worthy of you and will treat you with love and respect. Dump this loser.

Just because your XSIL was like that, doesn't mean everyone is.

Or do you think every bloke who falls out of love with someone is a loser?

Suzanne_Louise

I met my ex fiancee when I was 18 as well (he was 23). We were together for 8 years. Turned out he'd been cheating on me for 7.5 of those years. I was completely oblivious to this. Was devastated to be single at the age of 26. I went out and had a good time, and when he tried to get back with me after a few months, I realised what a lucky escape I'd had (he used to hit me as well), and never looked back.

I've been there, but it does get better, believe me.

Good luck

x

clearingout

on the cheating side of things, my ex husband of 10 years swore blind he'd never been near another woman, he had always been faithful, loved me to the moon and back, he just needed some space....to move in with the woman he had been seeing for at least 2 years.

Be wary, hun, that's all I'm saying.

caledonian_princess

Usually the cheating is a symptom of falling out of love rather than the disease. I know that when I start noticing other men and contemplating serious flirting that I'm not in love any more. So, perhaps he has noticed other women and is doing the decent thing and getting out before the inevitable happens. As for getting in touch with you in a year or so, I think it's just another way of trying to let you down gently - don't pin your hopes on it.

I also had a major relationship breakdown in my mid 20s and thought that my life was over but I can honestly say that those three years I spent footloose and fancy free in my mid 20s were the wildest and most adventurous years of my life - get out there and live!

euronorris

Gavin83 wrote: »

Can I ask, if telling someone you don't want to be with them anymore is a sign of cheating, how would someone who genuinely isn't sure about their relationship anymore break up with someone and not be suspected of cheating?

I don't know. The only reason cheating is suggested is because cheaters so often use the 'i'm not sure about us' lie, rather than be honest.

It's a shame, as I am sure there are some people who are genuinely unsure and haven't cheated, but the chance is higher that they have.

Took my ex 6 years to come clean and admit he cheated with numerous women (which I already knew - a few of the other women told me themselves). I no longer cared by then, and was already happy in my current relationship, so I still have no idea why he suddenly felt the need to send me a private message on FB about it (we're not friends on FB). *shrugs*

make_me_wise

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

I have always worried that there would come a point where he has realised he has missed out on those "laddish" years. I mean, neither of us have slept with anyone else and i would be ok with just being with him for the rest of my life, but i understand that most people (probably guys even more so) would want to see whats on offer before settling down.

Hes my first serious bf and i was his first ever gf so i wouldnt blame him for feeling like he has missed out. I also agree with the point you made that in an ideal world he would be free and single for a couple of years and then come back to me. He has asked me whether in like a years time if he has realised he has made a mistake would it be ok to contact me. I said ok, but im not waiting around and in all likelihood i would have moved on by then- which he understands.

I think that you two maybe just met a bit early. It does seem as if he wishes he had, had several non serious short lived relationships. Got to know himself and what he wants from being with someone better.

I feel the way he has asked if he can contact you in a year or so is rather direspectful. If he just wanted to contact you and have a platonic relationship then fine. His wording of his question though, particularly 'if he has realised he has made a mistake' suggests to me that he thinks if nothing better comes along for him over the next 12 months then he can pick up where he left off with you.

I would make it very clear that any chance of a relationship with you is taken now or he can forget it. You come across as a lovely, intelligient young woman who has alot to offer and why should you sit around in the hopes he may take an interest again. I think he will get a rude awakening one day of the 'you dont know what you have till you lose it' variety.