heartbroken

coin_operated_girl

Morning all,

Well i had a pretty good amount of sleep last night (about 9-10 hours, which is usual for me). I woke up a few times and went back to sleep pretty quickly then one time at about 4am i was awake for a couple of hours. So i'm feeling a bit better in that respect and i dont feel so sick any more so i am eating more food without worrying that it will come back up- im eating breakfast for the first time since this all happened. I guess all of this will make me have more energy.

There was a parcel waiting for me outside my door this morning. Sent next day delivery. I didn't order anything so i had no idea what it was or who it was from, but figured it must have been important. I'll be honest, i was both scared that it was a box of my stuff from my ex and excited that it was some romantic gesture from him, saying he is sorry and wants me back. Well, it was neither, it was a box of cookies from my sister, which is lovely but made me cry because i wish they were from the ex. Stupid i know. Its ok though, crying is good i think and i haven't done much of that yet.

On a more positive note, ive been having a look at some more meetup groups and i see where i went wrong in trying to make friends last time. Last time i just went to pub quizzes. I found i had nothing in common with these people as they all seemed very intelligent and quite cultured and all they talked about was work. I think i mentioned before that i'm quite shy, so i just ended up taking a back seat with the conversations as i felt like i couldn't contribute anything any way. Turns out theres quite a few groups for shy people so i am going to join a couple of those and see where it takes me. The other thing is, that with the other groups i went to, the people tended to be a bit older-late 20s early 30s, which i guess is because its easier to make friends when you are younger...unless you are shy, so im hoping there will be a few more people my age in these groups for shy people.

I'm meeting up with my friend tonight also, which i am looking forward to.

lostinrates wrote: »

again, this is part of the you you will soon be meeting. Frankly, it doesn';t matter what any of us think.

I have a neurological condition too, (I developed it when a year older than you, also living in London). I don't know what your mobility is like? But.....based on what I would do in your shoes...

use this time. What are you passions? Whatever they are there is something social related to them in/around London. Have you been to all the free museums and exhibitions, if not, choose a day of the week, any day and make it your ''culture day''. You might find yourself becoming interested in something you've never really explored before. If you are a music fiend then have another ''gig'' day, if not, then include it as ''culture''. There is a lot of this you can do for free, or cheaply and as a social thing, e.g. jazz at Pizza Express with friends.

Join a book club.

KIts not all about meeting ''men'' but it is about interacting with the world, especially if you don;t work and are not sure what health has in store. If it helps I'm reminding myself of this ATM,

when you feel less brusied and raw Date. Women in UK, IME, don't date enough. Make it a goal not to get in a relationship for a defined period of time, say a year or two, but rather to go out and about with different people, having choice and learning about how you relate to different people. (of course if you meet someone you can change you mind, but the idea is not to put pressure on yourself till you have more sense of self. ) fwiw, I met dh while in my dating ''period'', seing one guy a lot and other people a bit. (nb dating doesn't mean ''promiscuous''. There is nothing wrong with safe casual sex if you want it, but there is nothing right about it if you don't )

There is no reason, after you are feleing better, to fret alone day after day, there is always dsomething to do, somewhere to go, if you are mobile and self reliant.

Enjoy seeing your friend tomorrow. You're doing really well.

Hi, my mobility is fine, its more that i get extremely tired very quickly. This is why London is a good place for me i feel; pretty much everything is within walking distance to me (such as doctors, library, supermarket etc) and everything else means i can just hop on the tube which is also within walking distance and it doesn't matter if i am really tired as i dont need to drive here like i would most other places. I always used to have my ex on my car insurance in case i got too tired to drive back and obviously now i cant do that.

I'll be honest, i don't really have many passions. Ive never had hobbies or anything and ive tired before to develop a hobby but nothing ever comes of it. I guess the only two things i love are cooking and animals. I used to do voluntry work for an animal charity but gave it up when it made me too ill. Although i think i might be ready health-wise to try work again, i dont think i should go back there as it was quite a physical job (cleaning kennels, walking dogs etc) and i think i need to try some thing a little less demanding first of all.

I think your culture day is a great idea though and something i will try and do.

The trouble is, as sad as this may sound, i don't want to date lots of men and sleep around. I just want to find the one and settle down. I would have very happily spent the rest of my life just dating and sleeping with the one person

Stephb1986 wrote: »

Hi, I saw your post the other day but didn't have any advice to give apart from what was already given. I think the majority of people on here have had a break up and been in the same situation I know I have and you feel like there is no end to the dark tunnel you can't see the light at the end, I can assure you that in a few weeks/months you will see it and you will come out fighting.

I sadly look at things now and think to myself that maybe this isn't forever but have a good time while you can. I wish I knew then what I know now I don't think I would of done half of the things I did do.

I think you need some time to sort yourself out so your happier in yourself. Seeing friends will help in this it doesn't matter if they are female or male or animal you just need someone as a soundboard to get your feelings out I know we're here too aswell. But getting out and doing something will make you feel better even if it's just reading a book in the park or just going for a stroll. Time is also a great healer.

Chin up love I hope that soon you will be able to see the wood through the trees

Steph xx

Thank you for your kind words

caledonian_princess wrote: »

This is so important, you may think that you have nothing but actually you have everything - the world is your oyster. There is nothing to hold you back except you. You now have the chance to rebuild your life just as you want it to be, new friends, new job, new plans for the future. You don't have to rush headlong into that future, take your time but you do have it ahead of you so make the most of it. There may not be much you can do about your health but quite often rare conditions have small support groups - have you looked for one?

...and don't worry if you have bad days where you spend all day in your pjs with Casablanca and a tub of ice cream, sometimes a good wallow is just what you need; after all, if you've been wallowing about at the bottom of a pit all day the only way you can go after that is up!

There is a small support group for my condition, but it is not a very active one. They only meet up once or twice a year and the last meet up was when i was in America unfortunately. I have been emailing one person from the support group, but she doesn't live in London and what i really need is some real life friends. You're right about what you said about the world being my oyster, and i am determined to make some changes in my life. I just wish i made them earlier because maybe if i wasn't so reliant on my ex, had my own friends and was just a more confident person he would still be with me. Even if he wouldn't, i wish he was here to see these changes in me as i know he would have loved to see me have some friends etc...i must sound like a right loser! I do have friends, i just don't have any in London as its very hard to make friends when you don't work and don't really get to meet new people.

Once again, thank you everyone for supporting me

lostinrates

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

The trouble is, as sad as this may sound, i don't want to date lots of men and sleep around. I just want to find the one and settle down. I would have very happily spent the rest of my life just dating and sleeping with the one person

You don't have to sleep with them! Any of them. Until you find the next person for a serious relationship. I'm just suggesting you explore how you realte with different people and learn not to rely too much on anyone person..other than yourself. Its a learning and growing experience and IMO, my dating period has improved my marriage NO END.

I'm going to take a leap and wonder if you have ME or CFS. If so you have my understanding. Too much activity certainly is not good, but a little at a time, building, as I'm sure you've been told, is great. London is perfect for that, the walking to get about and parks to sit in when needed. Everything in reaosnable reach. FWIW I know a few people with CFS (and before more ''grievious'' symptoms they wondered if I had ME, so DH and I did a lot of research at the time, though it turned out not to be my ''problem''). Many of them now lead normally active lives. IMHO, the important thing is not to impose life limits on your self, just sensible activity ones each time things get worse.

If that IS what it is then I'm surprised there aren't more active groups.


Good luck Kiddo, most of us have been there, and though its bleak feeling now I assure you this is an important life experience. You are doing really well.

clearing_out_my_pockets

Hi OP. I'm going to share my experiences with you, if you don't mind...

My first long term relationship was from the age of 18 and he was my world. I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone other than him. We got engaged and I was so happy. But he didn't particularly like my family. After we'd been together 6 and a bit years, he told me that I was spending too much time with my family and he wanted me to move in with him. Unfortunately the timing was REALLY bad and things started to go downhill from there. I realised that although I still loved him, my feelings weren't anywhere near as strong as they used to be. We'd fallen into a rut really. He was taking me for granted and we weren't spending time together as a couple. We hadn't even moved in together! I asked him to set aside one evening during the week and one at the weekend so we could spend time 'getting to know each other again' and asked him to (finally) start contributing to 'our' house deposit savings. A month later, nothing had really changed. A lot of things were said and a lot of tears were shed, but ultimately we split up. I really was heartbroken, even though it was me that ended it.

Throughout our relationship, he told me he hated my hair short. The day after we split up, I got it cut really short. New life, new start. Incidentally, I also met up with an old friend in the weeks after our split and he was a godsend. Really listened and managed to be objective having not really known either of us during our relationship.

I'm now married to him. BUT he didn't take advantage or try it on with me when I was still grieving for my ex.

Which part of London are you in? I work in London if you ever want a friendly ear.

coin_operated_girl

lostinrates wrote: »

You don't have to sleep with them! Any of them. Until you find the next person for a serious relationship. I'm just suggesting you explore how you realte with different people and learn not to rely too much on anyone person..other than yourself. Its a learning and growing experience and IMO, my dating period has improved my marriage NO END.

I'm going to take a leap and wonder if you have ME or CFS. If so you have my understanding. Too much activity certainly is not good, but a little at a time, building, as I'm sure you've been told, is great. London is perfect for that, the walking to get about and parks to sit in when needed. Everything in reaosnable reach. FWIW I know a few people with CFS (and before more ''grievious'' symptoms they wondered if I had ME, so DH and I did a lot of research at the time, though it turned out not to be my ''problem''). Many of them now lead normally active lives. IMHO, the important thing is not to impose life limits on your self, just sensible activity ones each time things get worse.

If that IS what it is then I'm surprised there aren't more active groups.


Good luck Kiddo, most of us have been there, and though its bleak feeling now I assure you this is an important life experience. You are doing really well.

You make a good point about dating different people and learning not to rely on someone else. I don't want to be one of these people who just bounces from one serious relationship to the next as they are not capable of being on their own. I really want to take my time to get over this one first, but i do wonder whether i just want to settle down rather than trying the dating scene for a while so that i have the security and support that comes with a long term relationship.

I don't have CFS, have something similar(ish) called narcolepsy. For a long while it looked like i had CFS along side it as i used to get very ill very quickly (i mean couple hours shopping would = couple of days feeling really rough). However, i have been saying for a while to friends and family that i think that side of my condition is beginning to ease. On top of that i am seeing a new neurologist who has given me a new medication plan that i think is also working. I only saw him a couple of weeks before i went to America but i was surprised with how much i was able to do when i was there. I was able to do something all morning, rest in the afternoon and be ok in the evening, which is a great improvement for me. Only one day did i feel ill and that was when i had spend about 5-6 hours walking around a city. So this is why i feel like my health has improved and that i am ready to try working again I just need a bit more time now as this break up has knocked me a bit. Again, i wish my ex would have been here to see me get my life back on track in terms of work and being able to live more like a normal 24 year old. I know i need to stop thinking like this, but it makes me so sad that he is not here to see it all as a few weeks ago nothing would have made him happier.

Percy1983

As said this is a learning experience and in some ways I do believe we all need to have our heart ripped out at sometime to truely understand what it is all about.

As said you need to learn not to lean on anybody too much, I can say now as much I have the perfect women if she left my now my life would still be fine (of course I would be rather upset). What you need to do now is make a life for yourself and don't change that for anybody, I do believe this is the strength of my current relationship, we both have seperate lives with a healthy overlap but we still function seperately. So rather than trying to fit into somebody elses life you actually find somebody else who's life overlaps with yours with no effort.

When people say relationships take work I realy don't think so, its only work if your not already on the same page. By all means I do put effort into keeping us both happy but the core fundamentals shouldn't need any work.

coin_operated_girl

clearing_out_my_pockets wrote: »

Hi OP. I'm going to share my experiences with you, if you don't mind...

My first long term relationship was from the age of 18 and he was my world. I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone other than him. We got engaged and I was so happy. But he didn't particularly like my family. After we'd been together 6 and a bit years, he told me that I was spending too much time with my family and he wanted me to move in with him. Unfortunately the timing was REALLY bad and things started to go downhill from there. I realised that although I still loved him, my feelings weren't anywhere near as strong as they used to be. We'd fallen into a rut really. He was taking me for granted and we weren't spending time together as a couple. We hadn't even moved in together! I asked him to set aside one evening during the week and one at the weekend so we could spend time 'getting to know each other again' and asked him to (finally) start contributing to 'our' house deposit savings. A month later, nothing had really changed. A lot of things were said and a lot of tears were shed, but ultimately we split up. I really was heartbroken, even though it was me that ended it.

Throughout our relationship, he told me he hated my hair short. The day after we split up, I got it cut really short. New life, new start. Incidentally, I also met up with an old friend in the weeks after our split and he was a godsend. Really listened and managed to be objective having not really known either of us during our relationship.

I'm now married to him. BUT he didn't take advantage or try it on with me when I was still grieving for my ex.

Which part of London are you in? I work in London if you ever want a friendly ear.

Thanks for sharing your story, i find it really helpful to hear other peoples experiences.

Originally me and my ex said we would try and work at our relationship (unfortunately the breakup was dragged out for 3 days because it was so hard for both of us to let go) as he thought that one of his reasons was that we were stuck in a rut. I said we can change that and made some suggestions. This put doubts in his mind about whether he wanted to leave me or not. But when we talked about it again a couple of days later, we both realised that that wasn't really the issue, it was just that he didn't love me any more, which is something we both felt that couldn't be worked upon. Part of us still wanted to try, but how long would we try for? a week? a month? We couldn't do it, it wasn't fair on me and it wasn't fair on him.

Me and the ex used to live together for quite a few years, but was unable to afford to carry on as he was made redundant and i am not working. I am so glad we don't live together now as that would have made everything 10 times worse i think.

I live in NW London.

lostinrates

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

i have the security and support that comes with a long term relationship.

Poor you. Sounds horrid, but I'm glad you are feeling well. You are being very sensible I think, about taking your time and giving yourself a break now.

re the quoted bit: you have to be in a position to give support and security too. By being more ....yourself...having explored new interests, settled on ones that suit you, having a broader circle so you are less reliant this puts you in that position.

You are also right its a premature discussion, because you are where you are now and need a little time. I'm just trying to put a little more light and focus at the end of the tunnel.

We have a false conception, most of us, about relationships and satisfaction. I am incredibly, incredibly lucky, I have a fantastic marriage and I know it. possibly one of the best.:o. BUT it still suffers when I don't make the effort to be a little more....self sufficient, as its easy to do when you have a long term illness. If you are not careful you become a wife and and illness, not a ''self'' too. And to be fair to a partner you need to be a self...be stimulating, have different as well as complimentary experiences and opinions. And even with out a man you need this.

Many women, many people infact, at some stage suffer confusion over whether their fear is losing their partner or being alone. It seems a subtle difference, but its a vital one.

lostinrates

Percy1983 wrote: »

When people say relationships take work I realy don't think so, its only work if your not already on the same page. By all means I do put effort into keeping us both happy but the core fundamentals shouldn't need any work.

I think relationships do take a little ''work'' or effort, but it should be like a job you love Like hobbies, if you are a cyclist you have to peddle, if you like dogs you have to walk...if you like reading.....well, you still have to get to the library or bookshop and turn your own pages (or scroll down!).

The cycling is a really good example, both for realtionships and self development. The more effort and training you put in the better the result should be.

coin_operated_girl

lostinrates wrote: »

Poor you. Sounds horrid, but I'm glad you are feeling well. You are being very sensible I think, about taking your time and giving yourself a break now.

re the quoted bit: you have to be in a position to give support and security too. By being more ....yourself...having explored new interests, settled on ones that suit you, having a broader circle so you are less reliant this puts you in that position.

You are also right its a premature discussion, because you are where you are now and need a little time. I'm just trying to put a little more light and focus at the end of the tunnel.

We have a false conception, most of us, about relationships and satisfaction. I am incredibly, incredibly lucky, I have a fantastic marriage and I know it. possibly one of the best.:o. BUT it still suffers when I don't make the effort to be a little more....self sufficient, as its easy to do when you have a long term illness. If you are not careful you become a wife and and illness, not a ''self'' too. And to be fair to a partner you need to be a self...be stimulating, have different as well as complimentary experiences and opinions. And even with out a man you need this.

Many women, many people infact, at some stage suffer confusion over whether their fear is losing their partner or being alone. It seems a subtle difference, but its a vital one.

I know and thank you. It is very helpful to hear stories about how things will improve and that i can find someone else.

I can see now that i didn't try hard enough in our relationship. I used my illness as an excuse because its easier. Over a year ago the ex almost left me because he said he felt like he was more like my carer rather than a partner. This is when i took it upon myself to move to London and to try and become more independent. This greatly improved our relationship - it was probably one of the best things i had done for us- but i think i still was far too reliant on him. I don't completely blame myself though because i kept telling him that he didn't have to help me with things such as my benefit appeals, but he wanted to. He has been unemployed for over a year (he is starting a fantastic new job soon though) and i think that on top of me relying on him etc meant that neither of us had our separate lives, although we didn't live together, we were still living on top of each other. Its no wonder he feel out of love with me; we stopped becoming partners and started just being "there" if that makes sense. Its funny how clearly i can see things now and had i saw this a few weeks ago maybe we could have made some changes.

clearing_out_my_pockets

lostinrates wrote: »

Many women, many people infact, at some stage suffer confusion over whether their fear is losing their partner or being alone. It seems a subtle difference, but its a vital one.

Exactly this. With the benefit of hindsight, this is why I stayed in my relationship with my ex for as long as I did. For the last year of our relationship, I didn't love him but I stayed with him because I didn't want to be by myself.

Don't get me wrong - it will be difficult! Dating in your mid 20's is different to dating at 18

Out of interest, what's keeping you in London? Would it be 'easy' for you to move to where your friends / family are?