heartbroken

Percy1983

lostinrates wrote: »

I think relationships do take a little ''work'' or effort, but it should be like a job you love Like hobbies, if you are a cyclist you have to peddle, if you like dogs you have to walk...if you like reading.....well, you still have to get to the library or bookshop and turn your own pages (or scroll down!).

The cycling is a really good example, both for realtionships and self development. The more effort and training you put in the better the result should be.

Yes very true, but I do think people take on relationships which need more work than they should at times through a fear of being alone.

I suppose its like going back to childhood, the round peg went through the round hole with a little effort, the square peg went through with a lot of effort.

If 2 people are meant to be it mostly comes effortlessy.

I can see how this can be seen on 2 fronts, as far as effort goes in doing nice things for each other etc I put 100% in, as far as effort goes in what we want in life and morals/values go there is no effort needed.

coin_operated_girl

clearing_out_my_pockets wrote: »

Exactly this. With the benefit of hindsight, this is why I stayed in my relationship with my ex for as long as I did. For the last year of our relationship, I didn't love him but I stayed with him because I didn't want to be by myself.

Don't get me wrong - it will be difficult! Dating in your mid 20's is different to dating at 18

Out of interest, what's keeping you in London? Would it be 'easy' for you to move to where your friends / family are?

Theres nothing as such keeping me in London and i am considering moving, its just that i have a medical condition that can make doing things difficult. Being in London helps me with this because i dont need to worry about being too tired to get home (i can just hop on the tube, i dont need to drive here) and everything i need is within walking distance here which is a great help. Where i used to live i found i couldn't do much because i was worried that i would be too tired to drive home, so i guess i stopped doing things. I mean i know there is public transport every where, but i have lived in a couple of big cities before and London is by far the best for me. I also feel like there are more opportunities for me work-wise as i am fairly limited to what i can do. But then again, maybe having friends is more important. I think i will try and stay here for a while and if that fails, i will try and move some where else. I guess the other thing is that most of my friends are still at the stage where they are moving around for work or whatever and if i move somewhere near friends there is no guarantee that they will still be there after a couple of months.

Ezmondino

Errata wrote: »

I bet he's seen more of them whilst you were on holiday and realised there's more to life than being in a twosome, especially if some of the new friends are footloose and fancy free blokes who aren't wrapped up in getting married, having children, buying a house, but are living it up. Which is what 24 year olds do before they settle down for the rest of their lives.

Yeap. Same for ladies, in the past met up alot with new friends who had no responsibilty, and seemed to like the idea. The start of the end it was. A few months down the line it will lose it's appeal.

OP, hope you're OK. I've jumped through this thread and haven't read it but if it's still going on it's always best to do as you said. Tell him to decide in a few days one way or another, and then move on to better things.

coin_operated_girl

Ezmondino wrote: »

Yeap. Same for ladies, in the past met up alot with new friends who had no responsibilty, and seemed to like the idea. The start of the end it was. A few months down the line it will lose it's appeal.

OP, hope you're OK. I've jumped through this thread and haven't read it but if it's still going on it's always best to do as you said. Tell him to decide in a few days one way or another, and then move on to better things.

This is what i have done. At first i wanted him to give me final answer right there and then, but i knew his head was all over the place so i wanted to be fair and said he can have a few days to make up his mind. But, i know its over, he did not take this decision lightly and he did say that whilst he does want a few days he really doesn't think that he will change his mind.

I do wonder whether he will regret his decision once the appeal of being free and single has worn off. We were such a great couple and i feel it all came about too quickly for him to be sure of what he wants. I think once he has settled down a bit with his new job and his new place to live he might well wish he never left me. Of course, it could go the other way and it may be the best choice he ever made, only time will tell.

I feel like i understand where everything went wrong now (im possibly being too naive here though) and i so desperately want to ring him up and tell him its ok, i know how we can make it work but i think its too little too late. His love for me has gone now and he needs to figure out on his own whether he can get those feelings back (and whether he wants to). Right now i would take him back in a heartbeat, but he knows that one day i will be over him and he knows he has to accept the consequences of his decision- he said to me that this may well be the biggest regret of his life.

skypie123_2

Wanted to send you hugs.
You sound like such a lovely grounded young woman.
Also I wanted to tell you things will work out for the best one way or the other, they always do.
You will be just fine.

Have you heard from him at all since you said goodbye?
xxx

coin_operated_girl

skypie123 wrote: »

Wanted to send you hugs.
You sound like such a lovely grounded young woman.
Also I wanted to tell you things will work out for the best one way or the other, they always do.
You will be just fine.

Have you heard from him at all since you said goodbye?
xxx

Thank you so much.

No i haven't. I miss him so much, but i think its for the best if it really is over.

I just wanted to ask for peoples advice. I don't know if this is a really stupid question or not, but what should i do now? Should i take some time out to grieve and wallow in self pity for a while or should i be throwing myself into as many different things as possible to keep my mind occupied. I just don't know if this is the type of thing that if i don't grieve over now it will eventually catch up with me at some stage?

lostinrates

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Thank you so much.

No i haven't. I miss him so much, but i think its for the best if it really is over.

I just wanted to ask for peoples advice. I don't know if this is a really stupid question or not, but what should i do now? Should i take some time out to grieve and wallow in self pity for a while or should i be throwing myself into as many different things as possible to keep my mind occupied. I just don't know if this is the type of thing that if i don't grieve over now it will eventually catch up with me at some stage?

I'd do just one thing at a time, not lots of things. You're going out later, how about looking at what's on for free or cheaply tomorrow, or the day after? Go out when you can, and cry at home between times if it feels right. Its fine to wallow for a bit, but if you were working etc, the routine too would help remind that life goes on. As you don't have that you have to make your own, it would be a shame on this new beginning, to get a little stuck in the very important wallowing bit

dizziblonde

Skimmed and know you have a decision. I've been there - and got advice on here along the lines you had - that he must have cheated, that he was a slimeball, get rid etc etc.

He didn't cheat - I'm 100% sure of him in that (he's such a crap liar anyway).

He basically acted out of character for a few days - to the point where I was worried he was depressed - then turned around and said that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore, was considering out of the relationship, but didn't want to be without me either if you get what I mean (he was incredibly confused when he was saying all this). I was devastated - we were mid-wedding preparations at the time, and it almost killed me to do it - but I backed off and left him to come to his own conclusion.

Took him three months to figure his head out in the end - he'd panicked... cold feet at the approach of utter domesticity and him being absolutely desperate to do the right thing with everything - and he didn't quite know why he was feeling all of that - and misinterpreted it as an "oh crap do I not love her anymore then?" If I would have pressed him into any decision back at the start of it all - he would have ran, simple as and it almost killed me to back off, carry on as normal (we set ourselves a timeframe as to how long we'd leave it) and let him work it all out in his head... and given that time - he did unwravel the emotional knot he'd worked himself up into - and we made it out the other side unscathed (well I felt emotionally like I'd done 10 rounds in the boxing ring but still!).

Having said all that - I had very very good gut instincts about this being what was actually going on (although I'd started making financial plans for splitting if we had to - wasn't going to risk being that sad woman who kidded herself), as did his mother - but you can't TELL someone to sort their head out and love you - it's got to come from them alone... and I did cry when jsut before that Christmas he hugged me and told me "love you" again.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, you can get all sorts of advice on here - I tried, but people did misinterpret the situation we were in and I know my fella very very well (like I say -he's crap at hiding stuff bless him), and I went with my instincts and things played out the way they were meant to in the end. Lots on here will immediately jump to the worst conclusions about me - only you know the situation you personally are in at the end of the day. Give him space, start to move on with things, you may well find that when he unmuddles his head he comes back - or it wasn't meant to be (and in the meantime you've started working on the new improved you if that's the case).

Incidentally the stuff I'm describing happened well over 2 years ago now (it's probably in my posting history... somewhere!) - the fella's now my husband and we have a mortgage and grown up stuff like that.

Percy1983

There is no right or wrong answer there, just do what you want.

I will say in my big heart break many years ago I had a little basic car and I used it to keep me entertained, I ended up fitting remote central locking, electric windows, new sound system, alloy wheels etc and gave the engine a full service.

By all means that isn't a suggestion of what to do, but in my case it had 3 good things:

1, It kept me distracted.
2, It made me happy/proud to see the end results.
3, It had on going benefits for just being a better/nicer car.

I have always said that where many women change there hair cut in these situations, I had not much hair and a rubbish car so I changed that.

Its just finding that thing that can make you happy, is there anything you have wanted to do but just never got round to it?

Blodwen

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Iver a year ago the ex almost left me because he said he felt like he was more like my carer rather than a partner.

Hi OP (and apologies for a long post),

Been reading the thread through- good to hear you're coping under the circumstances. The bit I've quoted just struck a bit of a chord with me, and this is from the dumper's side. A bit of background first- I was with my ex for 6 years too, from 19-25. He was my first serious BF and I was his first ever GF. We'd bought a house together and everything seemed to be perfect, but then I went away with work, met new people and generally had a great time, and...I don't know...something changed in me. When I came back I just didn't feel the same but it wasn't because I didn't love him anymore, it was because my outlook on me and my life had changed. I met someone there who was instrumental in this- nothing happened because I wouldn't cheat but he made me feel like there was much more to life than what I was living. (As it turned out, when I split up with the ex I dated this guy for a while and as I thought, it wasn't him per se that did it for me, just the concept of being able to do the dating thing that I felt I'd missed out on - was fun while it lasted though, just the tonic ).

Anyway, to get back to the point, I broke up with my ex on my return and he was gutted as it was so out of the blue. Everyone was shocked and I felt horrible but I felt I had no choice, I had to do it and if I didn't it would make us both miserable. Another factor was that although my ex was a lovely guy, he had no ambition, was a bit useless and very reliant on me- I earned the money while he went to college, organised everything around the house, took responsibility for all the finances and generally bigged him up when he felt insecure, which was most of the time. I didnt realise this at the time but when I looked back it felt like I was his mother, and at 25 I wanted to be someone's girlfriend, not mum. We were both stuck in a rut and he was quite happy there but I needed to break out.

It took him a while to get over it, but he actually started going out with someone properly before I did. A few months later he followed her to another part of the country and hasn't looked back- new city, new job, new social circle - it forced him to stand on his own two feet, which really needed to happen. He's engaged now and I think he's probably happier now that he would've been if we'd stayed together, but it's taken this to realise it. After going out with some idiots I also met the love of my life and am marrying him in a couple of months.

Best wishes to you- you sound like a strong, level headed girl, and as difficult as it is at the moment, it might be the impetus you need to make a fresh start and a better life.