heartbroken

Sambucus_Nigra

Oh dear. Don't do it. Write it but don't send it.

It really will do the opposite of what you want. We've all been there - and if you are just changing your outlook to show him that you have changed your outlook then he will know that you are just doing it to make him happy. If you DO change your outlook and go out and have some fun then he would not be at the forefront of your mind would he - and you wouldn't need to write a letter would you?

So it just proves that you haven't changed your outlook - if you catch my drift.

Dave101t

only read the original post.
if he hasnt cheated he is very confused, all men get like that, i did.

dont pander to him tho, just tell him your there if he needs you, but if he cant commit then you will walk.

you need to break the cycle of stress and depression.

lostinrates

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

I know it has been less than a week but i really feel like i have changed my whole outlook on life and how i would be in a relationship

If you have realised so much in a week, think what a month, six months, a year not being in a relationship could do for you. You learn from everyone with whome you interact (another reason to enhance social circle) and why I suggested dating a little in the future rather than comminting again when you found the next nice guy. (there is nothing to say you cannot in time commit to the next guy. )


Honestly, something that made me notice that you could ''develop'' from a period of healthy independance and time to grow was when you mentioned your ex and you slept top to tail after the discussion. My heart ached for you because it felt such a young innocent thing to do to show separation and it spoke volumes that you were two sweet, lovely people who possibly were a bit stuck in the emotional needs of people the age you were when you met and didn't want to hurt each other and wanted to be fair and right. But you are not a teenager any more, you are an adult woman, and need to adapt and grow.

The want to write etc is so normal and understandable, but its very likely to prolong the time of hurt for you and make things worse.

coin_operated_girl

Is it really that much of a bad idea? Its not a soppy letter and i'm not begging him to come back. Its more a 'i've realised how much i've leaned on you which wasn't healthy and heres what im doing to change that' letter. We don't share mutual friends (one thing which i've realised i've done that has made me a bad girlfriend is that i never bothered to get to know his friends, i just kept making excuses not to), our paths will never cross again so i feel like i should let him know what i am thinking and feeling because if not i will always wonder 'what if' i did.

coin_operated_girl

I guess i sort of feel like it would give me some sort of closure. We left things a bit up in the air because he wasn't sure of his decision. I feel like if i give him all of the facts now it might help him make up his mind. I don't want to mess with his head or confuse him- the last thing i want is for him to think that everything will be ok, come back for 2 weeks and then leave again because he doesn't love me. Part of me thinks "don't send the letter, this is exactly what will happen" and part of me thinks "if you don't try you will never know".

As i feared, now the weekend is, the time when i would normally see him, its really starting to hit me.

RacyRed

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Is it really that much of a bad idea?

Yes honey, it really is a very bad idea to send a letter this soon.

Now that you have taken the steps to make changes in your life you need to follow through. He (and your relationship) is still the core of much of your thoughts and actions, isn't that why you really want to write to him? You are still grieving and will for a while yet.

Stay strong (((hugs)))

coin_operated_girl

RacyRed wrote: »

Yes honey, it really is a very bad idea to send a letter this soon.

Now that you have taken the steps to make changes in your life you need to follow through. He (and your relationship) is still the core of much of your thoughts and actions, isn't that why you really want to write to him? You are still grieving and will for a while yet.

Stay strong (((hugs)))

Yes

I know i should listen to everyone here and i am trying, so for now will try my hardest not to send it. I just want to do anything i can to get him back, but at the same time i know that if i force it it will never work. He needs to make his own mind up and he will come back if it is right. I guess i wrote it because when we were talking i said that i will make a lot more effort to make my own friends etc. This then put doubts in his mind about whether to leave me because he said maybe if things were different then would feel differently. At the same time he said that he doesn't think that these are the reasons for not wanting to be with me though...but he wasn't sure- maybe he thought i couldn't do it. After all, i tried before to make my own friends but gave up so quickly. So thats why i want to let him know that i am changing and i WILL have my own life and my own friends.

Keeping_Motivated

If I broke up with someone and they sent me a letter saying they have/will change and know where they went wrong etc without me actually asking them to change it would smack of desperation and that isn't attractive...what would be attractive to me is seeing him strong, seeing gthe changes, seeing how he can live without me and have a good life (even if he didn't want to). Confidence is attractive.

I know your letter isn't begging or grovelly at all but reading between the lines it will appear desperate and willing to do anything. Which is not attractive unfortunately so I doubt would pull him in, if he is having doubts believe me he will come to YOU.

If he thought changes where what were needed he would have said so and carried on trying.

Be strong, burn the letter to resist temptation and use it as a therapy exercise rather than something you are going to send.

Silence is golden and longer you are silent and getting stronger that is the only way he will weaken and see what he is missing IF indeed that is in the future for you both.

Take care, you are dealing with this with such dignity and I hope you fill your time with things you start to enjoy with or wothout him.

coin_operated_girl

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

If I broke up with someone and they sent me a letter saying they have/will change and know where they went wrong etc without me actually asking them to change it would smack of desperation and that isn't attractive...what would be attractive to me is seeing him strong, seeing gthe changes, seeing how he can live without me and have a good life (even if he didn't want to). Confidence is attractive.

I know your letter isn't begging or grovelly at all but reading between the lines it will appear desperate and willing to do anything. Which is not attractive unfortunately so I doubt would pull him in, if he is having doubts believe me he will come to YOU.

If he thought changes where what were needed he would have said so and carried on trying.

Be strong, burn the letter to resist temptation and use it as a therapy exercise rather than something you are going to send.

Silence is golden and longer you are silent and getting stronger that is the only way he will weaken and see what he is missing IF indeed that is in the future for you both.

Take care, you are dealing with this with such dignity and I hope you fill your time with things you start to enjoy with or wothout him.

It is desperate, i know. But the thing is, he will never see these changes in me because we won't be running in the same circles as each other, which is why i so badly want to tell him. He did want to try when i suggested changes i could make, but thought it wasn't fair to keep me hanging on because he didn't know whether the changes would change how he felt.

Sorry, i am listening to everyone and i don't want to make it seem like i am trying to talk everyone around to my view, but i feel like its hard when no one knows either of us or properly understands out situation. I guess i just need people to convince me that its a bad idea.

Toto

Please don't send the letter, it really is a bad idea. I've been there and honestly in my experience the only thing that is likely to get them back is no contact at all. Give him a chance to miss you, to wonder what you are doing, to feel like you aren't there on a piece of string waiting for him. Then he is much more likely to contact you. Nothing good will come of sending him a letter I promise. Let him miss you!