heartbroken

Alikay

Can't really offer any useful advice except don't send the letter, for all the reasons already given. Your paths may never cross again socially and spontaneously, but if he wants to get in touch again he'll find a way. Ten years ago who'd have imagined stuff like Facebook and MySpace etc? In a few years time there will be other new ways of linking up with folk you once knew. That is of course if you both want to get back in touch....It's likely that in time you'll heal, pick up the pieces and move on.

If you can't bear to tear the letter up and if reading it is good therapy, at least smear it with jam or something so you won't be tempted to mail it!

Why don't you get yourself down to Blockbuster and rent a good comedy or Disney film (Tangled is great). Get some chocolate (or lovely pre-prepared fruits if you're the healthy type ) and be nice to yourself this weekend?

xx

lostinrates

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

It is desperate, i know. But the thing is, he will never see these changes in me because we won't be running in the same circles as each other, which is why i so badly want to tell him. He did want to try when i suggested changes i could make, but thought it wasn't fair to keep me hanging on because he didn't know whether the changes would change how he felt.

Sorry, i am listening to everyone and i don't want to make it seem like i am trying to talk everyone around to my view, but i feel like its hard when no one knows either of us or properly understands out situation. I guess i just need people to convince me that its a bad idea.

Nothing, except your outlook, has started to change..yet.

There is nothing to say sidx months down the line, may be send him a Christmas card, with a letter saying what you have acheived in those six months. Not asking for him back, just telling him what life is for you then. If then he is interested its opened up communication. One or both of you might well move on before then.

You might not ''move in the same circles'' but he knows your phone number, how to reach you, presumably your email address. If he thinks of you, if he changes his mind, he'll contact you. You say you already told him you can identify changes, so he knows that might be an option for you and nothing in this painful week has practically changes, and it won't over night!

yumyums

Please don't send the letter! I was in a similar position to you a few years ago but on your boyfriend's side of things. I was pretty much the same age as you and fell out of love with my boyfriend of 4 years who I'd been with since University. As I went to work, met new people etc, I realised that being with him was not what I wanted. I broke up with him and he made things so much worse in the weeks that followed by acting so desperate, sending me countless emails, etc.

If you give him a chance, he might miss you and if he does, I'm sure he'll contact you and you'll be able to tell him about the positive changes you've made to your life. I'm sure he'll admire you for becoming a stronger person.

If he doesn't contact you then who knows where your life will lead. It may hurt now but once you find ways to occupy your time and meet new people or reconnect with old friends who you may have ignored because of your relationship, things will get better.

This period in your life will be a great opportunity for you to do things for yourself - make new friends, explore hobbies, do everything you want. I think often in these together since late teens / early twenties relationships you can become too dependant on the other person and don't work on developing your own personality and interests.

RacyRed

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

It is desperate, i know. But the thing is, he will never see these changes in me because we won't be running in the same circles as each other, which is why i so badly want to tell him. He did want to try when i suggested changes i could make, but thought it wasn't fair to keep me hanging on because he didn't know whether the changes would change how he felt.

Sorry, i am listening to everyone and i don't want to make it seem like i am trying to talk everyone around to my view, but i feel like its hard when no one knows either of us or properly understands out situation. I guess i just need people to convince me that its a bad idea.

You are so brave and I have so much admiration for you.

We hear you, honestly we do. But what we hear you saying is that you are not ready to cut the final string yet. And of course you are not. You are still so raw, so hurt, so confused. I really, really feel for you.

It hard to write something I know will cause you more pain, but it seems that you are not ready to give up hope for the relationship yet. Until you do though you cannot move forward either within or outside of that relationship.

All of your plans will be simply plans because of your motives for them, so they are built on sand. Can you see that? Speaking for myself, I would be doing/thinking exactly the same things when I've been as badly hurt as you currently are, and I know from experience that my acts of desperation made things so much worse.

It is still so soon, be kind to yourself, deface that letter as a first step to rebuilding your dignity and self esteem for YOU. (I don't mean that critically, how many of us wouldn't be feeling cut to the core in the same circumstances?)

Take baby steps, one second at a time without thinking about him, then a minute, then an hour. Grow strong slowly, make it a lasting and permanent experience that you will hopefully begin to enjoy when you have healed a little more. Grow into the fulfilled and happy woman we know you can be.

Awwww I wish I could give you a great big hug.

coin_operated_girl

RacyRed wrote: »

You are so brave and I have so much admiration for you.

We hear you, honestly we do. But what we hear you saying is that you are not ready to cut the final string yet. And of course you are not. You are still so raw, so hurt, so confused. I really, really feel for you.

It hard to write something I know will cause you more pain, but it seems that you are not ready to give up hope for the relationship yet. Until you do though you cannot move forward either within or outside of that relationship.

All of your plans will be simply plans because of your motives for them, so they are built on sand. Can you see that? Speaking for myself, I would be doing/thinking exactly the same things when I've been as badly hurt as you currently are, and I know from experience that my acts of desperation made things so much worse.

It is still so soon, be kind to yourself, deface that letter as a first step to rebuilding your dignity and self esteem for YOU. (I don't mean that critically, how many of us wouldn't be feeling cut to the core in the same circumstances?)

Take baby steps, one second at a time without thinking about him, then a minute, then an hour. Grow strong slowly, make it a lasting and permanent experience that you will hopefully begin to enjoy when you have healed a little more. Grow into the fulfilled and happy woman we know you can be.

Awwww I wish I could give you a great big hug.

Yes i can see that. But at the same time i feel like i am going to be making these changes with or without him. Now that he has gone i see that i cannot live how i have been living. I can't never have any friends or try new things. Even if he came back, we could never go back to how things were.

And you are right, i'm not ready to give up hope just yet. I feel like sending him a letter will enable me to move forward. I will know that i gave it one last try and if he doesn't want me back after i have realised my mistakes and am trying my hardest to correct them, then he never will want me back. In my head that makes perfect sense, but i know because everyone keeps telling me not to send it that i am probably wrong, but i cant understand how. It may push him away, but he has already left me...he can't get much further away. Yes maybe silence is golden and after a while he might realise he has made a mistake, but i think he is less likely to think like that if he thinks i will never change.

As he thinks that he has just fallen out of love with me then the letter may do no good. But i keep thinking that there is no harm in trying and to be honest, i don't have much to lose. I am prepared for him to think i am a bit desperate or whatever, i am willing to swallow my pride. I also don't think there is anything undignified in putting up one last fight for someone you love and care for.

Maybe this letter won't be the end of it and it will cause me to bombard him with letters, but i don't think it will. I don't want to mess with his head or cause him pain, i just want him to see that i am going to be a different person, whether he is by my side or not.

emsywoo123

Oh hun so many of us have been there, and here is another vote for not sending the letter!
Rather than think "never send the letter", write the letter, put it away somewhere and write a date on it-say 2/3 years time. If you read it then and still want to send it then do.
But if, as I suspect, you can see that you don't need/want to send it, then it can be consigned to recycling!

RacyRed

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Yes i can see that. But at the same time i feel like i am going to be making these changes with or without him. Now that he has gone i see that i cannot live how i have been living. I can't never have any friends or try new things. Even if he came back, we could never go back to how things were.

And you are right, i'm not ready to give up hope just yet. I feel like sending him a letter will enable me to move forward. I will know that i gave it one last try and if he doesn't want me back after i have realised my mistakes and am trying my hardest to correct them, then he never will want me back. In my head that makes perfect sense, but i know because everyone keeps telling me not to send it that i am probably wrong, but i cant understand how. It may push him away, but he has already left me...he can't get much further away. Yes maybe silence is golden and after a while he might realise he has made a mistake, but i think he is less likely to think like that if he thinks i will never change.

As he thinks that he has just fallen out of love with me then the letter may do no good. But i keep thinking that there is no harm in trying and to be honest, i don't have much to lose. I am prepared for him to think i am a bit desperate or whatever, i am willing to swallow my pride. I also don't think there is anything undignified in putting up one last fight for someone you love and care for.

Maybe this letter won't be the end of it and it will cause me to bombard him with letters, but i don't think it will. I don't want to mess with his head or cause him pain, i just want him to see that i am going to be a different person, whether he is by my side or not.

I understand. And if you feel so strongly about sending the letter then you must send it, no matter what the rest of us say.

It is the timing that is the major concern to be honest. From where he is standing, a letter now would outline what you plan to do. In a letter enclosed within a christmas card in December you could tell him what you have achieved, which puts a whole different (and more enticing) perspective on things.

Fingers crosed for you.

GemBlueTopaz1984

Hi OP,

I agree that you shouldn't sent the letter, if he was prepared to try he would of asked you to make an effort to be more independant for the sake of the relationship but he didn't. My advice is go out have fun meet new people. Maybe start a job and if you are worried he won't know i'm sure he will be checking on you on Facebook so he will see all the new friends that photos of the nights out with friends the fun your having, and if its meant to be i'm sure he will contact you but don't pin your hopes on that, look forward not back as hard as that may seem its the only way to go if you want to be happy again with someone in the future.

Gem

coin_operated_girl

RacyRed wrote: »

I understand. And if you feel so strongly about sending the letter then you must send it, no matter what the rest of us say.

It is the timing that is the major concern to be honest. From where he is standing, a letter now would outline what you plan to do. In a letter enclosed within a christmas card in December you could tell him what you have achieved, which puts a whole different (and more enticing) perspective on things.

Fingers crosed for you.

Thank you very much. I feel like i understand now. Just saying "im going to do X, Y and Z" is easy, anyone can do that. What i need to do is prove that i have changed. That way i can say "look what i have achieved"; not "look what i might achieve". If he isn't interested then at least i will have my own life. In the mean time it gives him a bit of time to sort out his head. I don't know if i will leave it until Xmas, i don't want to leave it too long. But i see i should sort myself out first, however long that takes and just see how everything goes.

Ive already found a couple of volunteer jobs i am going to apply for and i am hoping to meet up with someone i have spoken to online a few times to go for a pub lunch or something- we just want to find a few other people to join us to try and build up a friendship group.

lostinrates

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

What i need to do is prove that i have changed. That way i can say "look what i have achieved"; not "look what i might achieve". .

I'd just like to say, instead of ''change'' I'd like to suggest you think of it as ''develop'' or ''grow''. You are lovable enough to have been loved for year, you've used resourcefulness to reach out for help, you are showing adaptability and drive, as well as a caring nature all at a very difficult emptional time. You've garnered support on a board where critism arrives easily and allowed people to ask questions that are personally difficult and challenging and have seemed to absorb what's said. You've replied to these searching posts with tact and grace.

A person who can show those qualities at a difficult juncture in life might need to grow and develop in someways, but doesn't need to ''change''.