heartbroken

coin_operated_girl

Pee wrote: »

Whilst chasing after him now will be counter productive, leave him be and leave the door open if that is what you think you want, all this nonsense about keeping men on their toes... you just need to find the right one. If you need to play games with a man to keep him then you have a false relationship and sooner or later you will decide that it just isn't worth the effort...
With the right man, you can be yourself and he will love you for that. completely agree

Having said that, it is possible he is running scared of commitment and might come to his senses, but nothing you can do to hurry this up or make him see sense and the chances are he'll marry the next right person that comes along, having messed things up with you. Hard to take but if he's not ready, he's not ready and you are worth more than that.

In the past, i admit, i did pressure him to get married etc i was young and jealous of my friends who were getting engaged especially as we had been together for the longest out of all of our friends (stupid i know). But in the past couple of years i have grown up and stopped putting any pressure on him. Last time we spoke about it i said that i love him and i will wait for him to be ready- however long it takes. He said to me a few months ago that he didn't want to wait ages to have children (he means in say a couple of years, not like tomorrow) and he also said that when we buy our own place we can get loads of furniture as wedding presents. The plan was to start looking seriously for somewhere to buy this time next year, so it seemed like he was planning on us being married in the next year-year and a half. So thats what i don't understand. If he did leave because he was scared of commitment/ settling down then i dont get it- he knows i would have waited. I never expected us to be married before we bought a place, i was surprised when he said about getting furniture for our wedding presents. But then on the other hand, it does seem a bit coincidental that he suddenly left a few weeks after he asked me to get my ring finger measured and straight after i got back from my sisters wedding etc. I wish i could understand the reason he left, but i know i never will find out

Edit: and im sure the commitment of getting a mortgage isn't what scared him because he will be doing that anyway with out me- it was going to be completely in his name. He is lucky enough to be in a position where his parents are very well off and are giving him a hell of a lot of money for a deposit...so this time next year he will still be buying a place.

lostinrates

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Yeah thats true
Maybe one day, when im with someone new, i'll look back and think 'what if' in a positive way (as in, what if we had tried and i never met this new guy).

this, this, this.

My first serious live in relationship was a lovely guy, (second was not really) and I thought both times that they could be it. |when I met my husband I knew he wasn't. Now, these eight years later, he's nursed me through my illness, loved me as I felt unlovable and I know how wrong I was the night I met him.

What we ''know'' can be very flawed. A colleague introduced me to dh...he really wanted to meet me, but the colleague knew he wasn;t my type. I went for a drink with dh...honestly...because I felt he was very sweet and very lovely but not my type...in fact, in my arrogance, I felt a little sorry for him. (I was dating at the time, and ina casually open relationship). In retrospect my arrogance was amazing. In any case, the dear litle chap I felt slightly sorry for very quickly amazed me with his depth of knowledge, breadth of interests and quality of character. The person I didn't even consider when we first met is someone I am honored to know and humbled that he chose me. :D When I met him I would have chosen either of the serious two, and any of the casual currents over him.

We...humans,..are sometimes astoundingly bad at identifying what we really want. ;)


Please don't worry about ''the one''. You will meet someone, whether they come in a recognisable package or not. You will be better as a result of this experience, and your life will be what you make it. And you seem pretty geared towards making it positive.

coin_operated_girl

So its 3 weeks today since he left me. I gotta say, i think i feel ok. Today will be day 3 of me not crying I have completely accepted that it is over now, although my stomach does turn a bit every time i think about the future i have lost with him. As we were together for 6 years and we used to live together etc our lives have become so entwined that everything reminds me of him. Whether its walking past a restaurant we have gone to together, getting off at the tube stop where i know he will be going to everyday once he starts his job or just watching an advert on TV that we used to laugh at, it seems that something always makes me think of him. I can only assume this will fade with time.

One positive thing that has come out of all of this is that my mum said that i inspired her to leave her lying-cheating-uncommitted-uncaring-loser of a boyfriend (ok, those are my words, not hers). She said that i inspired her to leave him because i have been doing so well and getting out there and doing new things i have shown her that just because a relationship ends, doesn't mean your life ends. Every one has been saying to her for years to leave him, but she was in love and kept thinking he would change...8 years down the line he has changed a bit, but only for the worse. He showed his true colours when she left him on Sunday by trashing her stuff and man handling her- she now has massive bruises down her back and leg. So she is well shot of him and knows to never look back.

I have decided that i will go to a sexual health clinic and get myself tested. Whilst i am 99.9% sure he didn't cheat, you can never be completely sure of anything. I would just like to know for definite so i can say to any potential partners that i am clean (and i will make them get tested before we do anything). I am no way ready to be intimate with someone yet, but i am just thinking ahead. I have to admit, this side of starting a new relationship scares me a bit. Me and my ex were both virgins when we got together, so i have nothing to compare him to and i have no idea how i compare to others. I mean, im not a one night stand kinda person so i only ever intend to sleep with someone if i am in a loving and caring relationship so im sure whoever i end up with will be patient and understanding...but it still scares me a bit :eek:

I am now at the stage where, although i still love and care about my ex, i dont think i would take him back if he asked. So thats probably a good thing, must mean i am moving on. I still want him in my life, i don't think we would ever be best friends but i would still love to catch up over a couple of drinks every now and then. He still hasn't got in contact with me, but hopefully one day he will be ready to.

I might sort of have a date tomorrow, i'm not sure (god being single is confusing and scary lol). I've been meeting up with an old school friend a few times for lunch, just the two of us as we meet up during his lunch break. Tomorrow i am going back to my home town (where he lives) for a friends party on the weekend. He asked me to go to the cinema with him, which i said yes. We have a few mutual friends who still live in our home town, but he hasn't invited anyone else...so, possibly a date? who knows. I do like him and i think maybe he likes me (hard to tell, maybe he is just being a really good friend), but he knows i am not ready for a relationship just yet, so i think we are sorta at that uncomfortable stage where we both like each other but no one wants to say anything. I feel like a teenager again! It all seems very quick, but i have always have a bit of a crush on him and i know he used to fancy me as he asked me out when we were about 14/15 (i turned him down even though i fancied him because i couldnt be bothered with relationships at that age) and we were sort of friends at school so i don't feel like i am just jumping on the first guy that comes along. I still want to be single for a while, to truly get over my ex, but its nice to have that excitement of "does he like me? does he not?"

Lotus-eater

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Me and my ex were both virgins when we got together, so i have nothing to compare him to and i have no idea how i compare to others. I mean, im not a one night stand kinda person so i only ever intend to sleep with someone if i am in a loving and caring relationship so im sure whoever i end up with will be patient and understanding...but it still scares me a bit :eek:

I can understand you being scared a bit, but look at it this way.

Now you are going to experience different things and new ways of doing them. The way you two were, you could have both had a satisfactory love life, but I am betting it wouldn't have been great. Even kissing two different people is never the same. You will of course (when you're ready) be comparing your new partner with your old, you can't help that. But you may be surprised when some things turn out better than you expected straight away

Percy1983

Got to say just follow it with this old friend, of course thinking about your actions but don't be affraid to follow your heart. Remember there is no right or wrong here, you are doing right in not trying to find somebody, but on the flip side if you have found somebody its not a problem.

As you say getting tested isn't a bad idea if any blokes are reading I can assure you its not as bad as you would think so if in doubt just get tested, I can't comment to much on the female test of course, if that I did get tested after a cheating ex as it was playing on my mind.

As for the sex thing, I will say my fiancee had been with 1 man before me and there where together for a good while and to quote her "I thought I knew what an orgasm was, then I met you", of course this may not apply to you but maybe it will there is a whole world of blokes out there many with different ideas etc so enjoy the moment, things maybe different but that isn't always a bad thing.

Elle7

I'm so happy to read that it's all coming together for you

Your date sounds very exciting! I hope it all goes well. Like you said, it's good to be having fun and moving on, even if it's just having a laugh with an old friend.

There's a meet up group in a town near me tonight - they are just meeting in a bar. I'm not sure whether to go. On the one hand, there seems to have about four other new people going, so it might be easier to go then. But I think I'm quite a bit younger then everyone else going, and it'd be expensive - I'd have to get a taxi there, and back home again, because of the timing they have chosen. I don't know if I'll go - I think it's more likely I'll end up just staying here because I'm a wimp and it's easier.

Percy1983

Elle7 wrote: »

I'm so happy to read that it's all coming together for you

Your date sounds very exciting! I hope it all goes well. Like you said, it's good to be having fun and moving on, even if it's just having a laugh with an old friend.

There's a meet up group in a town near me tonight - they are just meeting in a bar. I'm not sure whether to go. On the one hand, there seems to have about four other new people going, so it might be easier to go then. But I think I'm quite a bit younger then everyone else going, and it'd be expensive - I'd have to get a taxi there, and back home again, because of the timing they have chosen. I don't know if I'll go - I think it's more likely I'll end up just staying here because I'm a wimp and it's easier.

Life is for living, just go.

Can you not use public transport to cut costs, or drive and have a few cokes?

fs110

Originally Posted by coin operated girl
...but it still scares me a bit :eek:

Ive only ever slept with people ive been in love with and it is still scary first time. I think its supposed to be though,when you are committing yourself that much to another person?

As Percy says, different isnt bad.

Regarding your friend, Id say 'go with the flow'.

Take things slowly and see what happens and remember there is no timescale to recover from a broken heart. If things start to feel right, let it happen, if they dont then slow things down.

If he is a good guy he will understand and be supportive.

coin_operated_girl

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I can understand you being scared a bit, but look at it this way.

Now you are going to experience different things and new ways of doing them. The way you two were, you could have both had a satisfactory love life, but I am betting it wouldn't have been great. Even kissing two different people is never the same. You will of course (when you're ready) be comparing your new partner with your old, you can't help that. But you may be surprised when some things turn out better than you expected straight away

Yeah i agree with this.

Percy1983 wrote: »

Got to say just follow it with this old friend, of course thinking about your actions but don't be affraid to follow your heart. Remember there is no right or wrong here, you are doing right in not trying to find somebody, but on the flip side if you have found somebody its not a problem.

As you say getting tested isn't a bad idea if any blokes are reading I can assure you its not as bad as you would think so if in doubt just get tested, I can't comment to much on the female test of course, if that I did get tested after a cheating ex as it was playing on my mind.

As for the sex thing, I will say my fiancee had been with 1 man before me and there where together for a good while and to quote her "I thought I knew what an orgasm was, then I met you", you stud of course this may not apply to you but maybe it will there is a whole world of blokes out there many with different ideas etc so enjoy the moment, things maybe different but that isn't always a bad thing.

So, all in all, i probably don't know what i am missing

coin_operated_girl

Elle7 wrote: »

I'm so happy to read that it's all coming together for you

Your date sounds very exciting! I hope it all goes well. Like you said, it's good to be having fun and moving on, even if it's just having a laugh with an old friend.

There's a meet up group in a town near me tonight - they are just meeting in a bar. I'm not sure whether to go. On the one hand, there seems to have about four other new people going, so it might be easier to go then. But I think I'm quite a bit younger then everyone else going, and it'd be expensive - I'd have to get a taxi there, and back home again, because of the timing they have chosen. I don't know if I'll go - I think it's more likely I'll end up just staying here because I'm a wimp and it's easier.

Thanks

I say go to the meetup if you can, you've got nothing to lose; if you don't like it you don't have to go back. I agree that it is easier to go when you know other new people will be there. You could always set up your own meetup or do what i have done (think i mentioned this already) and look through peoples profiles and message the ones who you think you might get on with and ask if they would be interested in meeting up in a little group. I did this a couple of weeks ago. I emailed about 10 people, only 3 people replied but all 3 of them said it was a good idea and they would like to do something. We are just trying to organise something for when everyone is free now.

fs110 wrote: »

Ive only ever slept with people ive been in love with and it is still scary first time. I think its supposed to be though,when you are committing yourself that much to another person?

As Percy says, different isnt bad.

Regarding your friend, Id say 'go with the flow'.

Take things slowly and see what happens and remember there is no timescale to recover from a broken heart. If things start to feel right, let it happen, if they dont then slow things down.

If he is a good guy he will understand and be supportive.

Its interesting what you say about there being no time scale because i was beginning to feel a bit guilty that i am already interested in someone else. I mean, 3 weeks isn't very long to get over someone when you have been together for a long time... i am not completely over my ex and i still love and care for him and i think a part of me always will, but at the same time i feel like if the right person comes along i could be ready to start a relationship soon. As you say, i'll just go with the flow and see what happens, for all i know i have got the wrong end of the stick with my friend.