heartbroken

coin_operated_girl

Dinah93 wrote: »

Hey hon, hang in there. Please don't take anything in this post as an attack, you just seem able to take others experiences and comments and draw on them positiviely and constructively.

I hate to trivialise what you're feeling, but it very much appears like you're going through the 5 stages of grief for your relationship. You very much seem to be in denial about his ability to know his own mind, if he wanted to come back or was also in doubt about his actions he would have been in contact by now. You've already tried bargaining to convince him to return (things will be different if we get back together). I'm not saying we don't all go through it, but in many ways denial is the most dangerous and hurtful place to be for yourself, as it stops you getting on with your life. Yeah, i think i am. It still doesn't seem real to me. I know he can make up his own mind, but its the fact that he was unsure of his decision which i guess is what was making me think that he doesn't know what he wants. Now that he hasn't contacted me back i can see that he must have made his mind up and is trying to move forward, so i really need to do the same.

Btw DH and I got rid of our tv 7 months ago, and we're extremely close now, outside people have even commented on how much closer we are in our relationship than a year ago. Sometimes we watch a movie on the computer, or an episode on a dvd before bed, but it's never automatic like flicking the telly on was, but we spend a lot more quality time together and talk a lot more. To anyone feeling in a rut I can't speak highly enough of binning the telly. We're in a bit of debt so very rarely go out either (plus we're both home bodies), but we do go for walks together, we read or take a bath together, even things like the gardening or decorating we always do together now. Thats a great idea, glad its working out for you. Its so easy to just stick the TV on without even thinking about it.

Have you ever heard this quote:
"If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with..."
- Unknown I have heard this and i keep trying to bear it in mind every time i want to contact him. I know i need to let him go

I have always borne this in mind in my relationships, you want someone to want to be with you, not feel trapped into staying. When people say they need space in a relationship it is usually down to this feeling of being trapped, rather than initially wanting to be going out lots - its the perceived option of that freedom.

I echo what others have said about not giving up on work, it's good you have the voluntary to ease into it.

I'll admit I left an ex in a situation that seems a bit similar to yours. I went away from my bf for a week on a holiday to see a friend, and in that week I experienced a lot more excitement and happiness than I was used to (and this wasn't a week in the sun, just to his family house in Ireland and pottering around his town and seeing his friends), just seeing other friends and getting out of the house where I hadn't realised I felt so trapped. Now my ex was not the best man in the street let alone the world, he wasn't sick but just a lazy so and so who made excuses not to work, meaning 90% of our bills and expenses I paid, he never wanted to do anything, and he was very quick to anger which made me feel scared in my own home. I came back after that week and he must have known what I was thinking as I'd hardly been in touch for several days, and he'd tidied the house, got a hair cut, run me a bath, amazingly got a full time job, but it was too little too late, I had mentally moved on from him and wanted to be on my own and to enjoy the freedom of my own space spending my own money without supporting him, and seeing what life was like in my early 20s outside our lounge! I say its similar because its possible it's the mental state your ex is in where he's detached himself before he even saw you, not that you are in any way like my ex - you seem to be a lovely person and he was a complete wastrel! Yes he might have changed if I'd given it time, but I can honestly say I have never for a minute regretted it, as I felt like suddenly the world was in colour again. I changed my phone number, got a new email address and didn't check the old one - didn't tell him I'd done it. It was really freeing knowing I wasn't going to get another begging text message which to be honest did firm up my decision whenever I had a tiny wobble moment (not of doubt, I felt like I'd been unfair to him and should have given him a chance to change because otherwise he might not grow into a more rounded person). I think this probably played a big part in us breaking up.I think this is why he suddenly changed in the couple of weeks i was gone- saying that, he has been away loads of times without me. But maybe because he is starting a new job and was thinking of settling down with me its made him realise i wasn't the one he wanted to settle down with and that he can have a few more years of excitement before he settles down.

And yes, I'm sorry but at the time we broke up I did say we might get back together in the future, it was to cushion the blow for him as he was clingy and needy, I knew deep down it was never ever going to happen. Its weak but often people say these things either to keep you on a string in case they made the wrong decision, or because they can't bear to be the bad guy in honestly admitting there is no chance.

I still don't think he said it cushion the blow for me. He has always been completely honest with me and it wasn't like he said that we might get back together in the future. He asked whether he could get in contact if he changes his mind. So maybe he said it to keep me on a string, i dont know. At the time he said he asked me because if i had said no then he would respect that and not get back in contact. I believe him on that, but i guess i can never know for certain. Thanks for your advice

bellodharma wrote: »

its good to know that you're thinking of moving on even for just a bit from your relationship. it wouldn't hurt to have different things going on around you to make you feel better. i like what you said when you have the tendency to contact him you'll just post here instead.

give him the space he needs. don't be available in his life for the meantime. since he ended it, he needs to be certain if it really ended or he still wants you back. its either yes or no. that's it.

i know it hurts and unbelievable since you have a lot of years together but things ends and relationships fails. let him makeup his mind if he isn't truly not inlove with you anymore. it just might be due to the new friends or new activities he's doing with them.

if you truly believe that he didn't cheat then i have nothing to say on that. though it sounds like he's making an excuse already probably doesn't just want to tell you point blank that its true. I still believe he didn't cheat and people who know him dont think he did either. In fact, when i have mentioned it to my friends/family/housemate they all said that it hadn't even crossed their minds that he would do something like that. Some of them might just be saying that, but i know that others would tell me straight if they thought he did. At the end of the day, i'm never going to find out unless he tells me so all i can go on is what i believe.

hope you'll have a clearer mind everyday and have a wonderful life ahead of you. there's a lot of people out there who might want to be loved by you and wants to love you in return.:A

Thanks

OldSchool wrote: »

I just ended my third relationship same thing happened to me. I was out of town for a couple of months. When I come back last week all of my friends confirmed that he and her bestfriend was more than that.:mad:

Sorry to hear that

fs110

nice to see you back

Now that he hasn't contacted me back i can see that he must have made his mind up and is trying to move forward, so i really need to do the same.

i had that same realisation recently - ex has made no attempt to return any contact i made so she has obviously moved on. Im still struggling with it but at least now i realise that i have to move on too.

It wont feel like it but him not contacting you is good for you.

For me, its not about having self respect as such (that sounds bad, i just mean i don't think there is anything wrong with putting up a fight for the person you love) but i want him to come back because he wants to, not because i have talked him round.

I absolutely agree with this. There is noting wrong with fighting to keep a relationship alive but you are the only one fighting. Its got to be a two person fight.

coin_operated_girl

fs110 wrote: »

nice to see you back



i had that same realisation recently - ex has made no attempt to return any contact i made so she has obviously moved on. Im still struggling with it but at least now i realise that i have to move on too.

It wont feel like it but him not contacting you is good for you.



I absolutely agree with this. There is noting wrong with fighting to keep a relationship alive but you are the only one fighting. Its got to be a two person fight.

I don't think (hope) my ex has moved on just yet, but i guess the important part is that he wants to move on. It seems like that a couple of my friends have cut all contact with their ex's when they broke up, not because they hate them and never want to talk to them again, but because it slows the healing process down for both people. It made them feel really guilty for doing it, but they were being cruel to be kind, if that makes sense. So although i hate that he hasn't contacted me because i miss him so much, you're right, it is for the best.

I'm losing my energy to fight any more. I don't think there is anything else i can do now...the ball is in his court. I feel like neither of us put up a bigger fight as we should have done when we broke up. I dont know if it was because i was jet lagged and just completely emotionally drained (i was so exhausted i could barely talk) or if it was because i knew in my heart it was over. He said he wanted to try and there were a few moments were it felt like everything was going to be ok (like he woke me up the next morning by giving me loads of kisses and a couple of times he said he loves me), but most of the time he seemed distant and like his heart wasn't in it. When he held me it felt flat and I think i felt like whatever we had was gone. I guess i'll just have to live with the 'what if we tried a bit harder'.

fs110

yes thats true, i didnt mean to imply your ex HAS moved on yet but it does seem like he wants to.

i feel that if ex and I had fought more (both of us) to save our relationship we would still be together now but looking back i realise i was fighting - she wasnt.

novagirl

Sounds like you are still going through a rough time of it all coin operated girl. You can always think about 'what if' but you need to just remember that your ex is probably not thinking that else he'd be making an effort. I think once you accept that...(hard, I really know it is!), then life will seem much brighter without him

coin_operated_girl

fs110 wrote: »

yes thats true, i didnt mean to imply your ex HAS moved on yet but it does seem like he wants to.

i feel that if ex and I had fought more (both of us) to save our relationship we would still be together now but looking back i realise i was fighting - she wasnt.

I guess if someone doesn't want to fight then theres nothing you can do about it.

My ex almost left me about a year and a half ago because he said he felt like he was more my carer than my boyfriend (because of a medical condition i have). We were living together at the time but i was at my mums house visiting. He completely made his mind up whilst i was gone, packed most of my things and drove them down to my mums (because he thought i might not want to go back to our flat for a while). So he was dead set on his decision. We talked about how we could address the problem and after about 10 mins he changed his mind. Things were great after that, probably the best they had ever been. So i feel like if we just spoke a bit more about everything when we broke up he would still be here. We did talk for a fair bit, but i felt like there was more that could have been said and i don't know why neither of us said it. Saying that, it had always been in the back of my mind that he would want to leave me again because i couldn't understand how i could just change his mind in 10 mins- its not like he said ok we'll try and work on a few things and see how it goes, he just completely changed his mind and i felt like i had just talked him round. So maybe it was never going to work out between us. Maybe it was always going to be a case when, rather than if.

One day we will find someone who will fight for us

novagirl

Indeed you will! You sound like a lovely girl and you'll find someone that really and truly deserves you

coin_operated_girl

novagirl wrote: »

Sounds like you are still going through a rough time of it all coin operated girl. You can always think about 'what if' but you need to just remember that your ex is probably not thinking that else he'd be making an effort. I think once you accept that...(hard, I really know it is!), then life will seem much brighter without him

Yeah thats true
Maybe one day, when im with someone new, i'll look back and think 'what if' in a positive way (as in, what if we had tried and i never met this new guy).

Something that has stuck in my head is what someone said near the beginning of this thread. They said they were with a lovely person who they really liked, but they broke up them after a while. When all his friends asked why he broke up with her when she was such a great girl he said that he could happily spend the rest of his life with her, but she wasn't 'the one' and he is now married to a girl who is 'the one' -hope i've remembered that right. I don't know why that stuck in my head but maybe my ex wasn't the one for me. I could have very happily spent the rest of my life with him, he was a fantastic boyfriend, i couldn't have asked for more and i thought he was the one for me, but maybe someone will come along eventually and show me he wasn't.

novagirl wrote: »

Indeed you will! You sound like a lovely girl and you'll find someone that really and truly deserves you

Thank you

fs110

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

One day we will find someone who will fight for us

One day

Pee

Whilst chasing after him now will be counter productive, leave him be and leave the door open if that is what you think you want, all this nonsense about keeping men on their toes... you just need to find the right one. If you need to play games with a man to keep him then you have a false relationship and sooner or later you will decide that it just isn't worth the effort...
With the right man, you can be yourself and he will love you for that.

Having said that, it is possible he is running scared of commitment and might come to his senses, but nothing you can do to hurry this up or make him see sense and the chances are he'll marry the next right person that comes along, having messed things up with you. Hard to take but if he's not ready, he's not ready and you are worth more than that.