heartbroken

pelirocco

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

I think you are right on this. I don't know if you have read all of my posts, but i think i said a while ago that he asked that if he ever changes his mind, even if its like a year later, can he get back in contact. I don't think he meant it to be disrespectful, but it sort of is. I'm not sitting and waiting for him and i told him that.

He was probably saying that to make you feel better

Walk away , dont contact him . If he wanted to be with you he wouldnt have gone .

I think you are sitting and waiting for him tbh ( been there done that , trust me its far better if you come to terms with it now )

coin_operated_girl

pelirocco wrote: »

He was probably saying that to make you feel better

Walk away , dont contact him . If he wanted to be with you he wouldnt have gone .

I think you are sitting and waiting for him tbh ( been there done that , trust me its far better if you come to terms with it now )

I think he said it because he was really unsure of his decision to leave and he was worried he is making a massive mistake. You are right though, i haven't completely let go, i can't just turn my feelings off, and until i do a part of me will always be waiting for him. I am getting there slowly though.

coin_operated_girl

Thanks for the chat everybody. I always come away feeling more positive and stronger after i have posted on here. It is so helpful to learn from every ones experiences. Without it i would be completely lost.

Elle7

Maybe we should make a new thread, with a more positive title, and everyone on here who is trying to build a new life and make friends etc can post and we'll all support each other? There seems to be quite a few of us.

I think posting on here is a good idea. You can still say what you need too, but without contacting him - you have made so much progress, even if it doesn't feel like it.

My sister had befriender as a child - she took her out to places and made biscuits with her. What is the training like? I don't think I'm healthy enough to commit to doing this regularly, incase I promised to take the person somewhere and couldn't, but I still find it a really interesting idea.

lostinrates

Hey, its good to get an update from you.

Now, personally I don't believe in ''meant to be'' (e.g. I refuse to believe I was ''meant'' to be ill. thus I can't assume I was ''meant'' to be with dh, its just luck and a bit of hard work ), and lots of us reading will have been through break ups. Without wanting to sound hideously patronising, previous heartbreak and relationships really have been valuable in their own right, in making me who I am and ultimately for my marriage.

Personally, one heartbreak wasn't enough for me to learn my lessons! But two were. I know it sounds crazy but I really value those experiences, because I needed them to be rounded, to experience them first hand and its a crucial human emotion I think.

you're feeling of not wanting to move on incase he comes back...if he did come back whats the harm in him running to catch up a bit? I'd move on....because regardless of what happens with him you need to concentrate on being you for a bit. I agree, for what its worth, that its too soon to meet any one else for a relationship, you are still obviously heartbroken. Its not necessarily soon to gfo out for a drink with someone else.....as I said before dating doesn't mean you have to be promiscuous, just social.

Dinah93

Hey hon, hang in there. Please don't take anything in this post as an attack, you just seem able to take others experiences and comments and draw on them positiviely and constructively.

I hate to trivialise what you're feeling, but it very much appears like you're going through the 5 stages of grief for your relationship. You very much seem to be in denial about his ability to know his own mind, if he wanted to come back or was also in doubt about his actions he would have been in contact by now. You've already tried bargaining to convince him to return (things will be different if we get back together). I'm not saying we don't all go through it, but in many ways denial is the most dangerous and hurtful place to be for yourself, as it stops you getting on with your life.

Btw DH and I got rid of our tv 7 months ago, and we're extremely close now, outside people have even commented on how much closer we are in our relationship than a year ago. Sometimes we watch a movie on the computer, or an episode on a dvd before bed, but it's never automatic like flicking the telly on was, but we spend a lot more quality time together and talk a lot more. To anyone feeling in a rut I can't speak highly enough of binning the telly. We're in a bit of debt so very rarely go out either (plus we're both home bodies), but we do go for walks together, we read or take a bath together, even things like the gardening or decorating we always do together now.

Have you ever heard this quote:
"If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with..."
- Unknown

I have always borne this in mind in my relationships, you want someone to want to be with you, not feel trapped into staying. When people say they need space in a relationship it is usually down to this feeling of being trapped, rather than initially wanting to be going out lots - its the perceived option of that freedom.

I echo what others have said about not giving up on work, it's good you have the voluntary to ease into it.

I'll admit I left an ex in a situation that seems a bit similar to yours. I went away from my bf for a week on a holiday to see a friend, and in that week I experienced a lot more excitement and happiness than I was used to (and this wasn't a week in the sun, just to his family house in Ireland and pottering around his town and seeing his friends), just seeing other friends and getting out of the house where I hadn't realised I felt so trapped. Now my ex was not the best man in the street let alone the world, he wasn't sick but just a lazy so and so who made excuses not to work, meaning 90% of our bills and expenses I paid, he never wanted to do anything, and he was very quick to anger which made me feel scared in my own home. I came back after that week and he must have known what I was thinking as I'd hardly been in touch for several days, and he'd tidied the house, got a hair cut, run me a bath, amazingly got a full time job, but it was too little too late, I had mentally moved on from him and wanted to be on my own and to enjoy the freedom of my own space spending my own money without supporting him, and seeing what life was like in my early 20s outside our lounge! I say its similar because its possible it's the mental state your ex is in where he's detached himself before he even saw you, not that you are in any way like my ex - you seem to be a lovely person and he was a complete wastrel! Yes he might have changed if I'd given it time, but I can honestly say I have never for a minute regretted it, as I felt like suddenly the world was in colour again. I changed my phone number, got a new email address and didn't check the old one - didn't tell him I'd done it. It was really freeing knowing I wasn't going to get another begging text message which to be honest did firm up my decision whenever I had a tiny wobble moment (not of doubt, I felt like I'd been unfair to him and should have given him a chance to change because otherwise he might not grow into a more rounded person).

And yes, I'm sorry but at the time we broke up I did say we might get back together in the future, it was to cushion the blow for him as he was clingy and needy, I knew deep down it was never ever going to happen. Its weak but often people say these things either to keep you on a string in case they made the wrong decision, or because they can't bear to be the bad guy in honestly admitting there is no chance.

bellodharma

its good to know that you're thinking of moving on even for just a bit from your relationship. it wouldn't hurt to have different things going on around you to make you feel better. i like what you said when you have the tendency to contact him you'll just post here instead.

give him the space he needs. don't be available in his life for the meantime. since he ended it, he needs to be certain if it really ended or he still wants you back. its either yes or no. that's it.

i know it hurts and unbelievable since you have a lot of years together but things ends and relationships fails. let him makeup his mind if he isn't truly not inlove with you anymore. it just might be due to the new friends or new activities he's doing with them.

if you truly believe that he didn't cheat then i have nothing to say on that. though it sounds like he's making an excuse already probably doesn't just want to tell you point blank that its true.

hope you'll have a clearer mind everyday and have a wonderful life ahead of you. there's a lot of people out there who might want to be loved by you and wants to love you in return.:A

OldSchool_3

I just ended my third relationship same thing happened to me. I was out of town for a couple of months. When I come back last week all of my friends confirmed that he and her bestfriend was more than that.:mad:

coin_operated_girl

Elle7 wrote: »

Maybe we should make a new thread, with a more positive title, and everyone on here who is trying to build a new life and make friends etc can post and we'll all support each other? There seems to be quite a few of us. Sounds like a good idea

I think posting on here is a good idea. You can still say what you need too, but without contacting him - you have made so much progress, even if it doesn't feel like it.

My sister had befriender as a child - she took her out to places and made biscuits with her. What is the training like? I don't think I'm healthy enough to commit to doing this regularly, incase I promised to take the person somewhere and couldn't, but I still find it a really interesting idea.

I haven't done the training for it yet, i have to wait until the beginning of Sept, i'm really looking forward to it though. Yeah its really something that you have to be totally committed to and sure you are capable of doing. I think in the past i wouldn't have been able to do it because of my health but im confident i can now.

coin_operated_girl

lostinrates wrote: »

Hey, its good to get an update from you.

Now, personally I don't believe in ''meant to be'' (e.g. I refuse to believe I was ''meant'' to be ill. thus I can't assume I was ''meant'' to be with dh, its just luck and a bit of hard work ), and lots of us reading will have been through break ups. Without wanting to sound hideously patronising, previous heartbreak and relationships really have been valuable in their own right, in making me who I am and ultimately for my marriage. I don't think i believed in "meant to be" until i met my ex...guess that didn't work out too well though. I still find it comforting to believe in it, but i can why people don't. I just know there will be someone out there for me.

Personally, one heartbreak wasn't enough for me to learn my lessons! But two were. I know it sounds crazy but I really value those experiences, because I needed them to be rounded, to experience them first hand and its a crucial human emotion I think. I truly hope i have learnt my lesson this time. Once is enough for me i think!But you are right, i feel like i am becoming a more rounded person who is developing a life of their own.

you're feeling of not wanting to move on incase he comes back...if he did come back whats the harm in him running to catch up a bit? I'd move on....because regardless of what happens with him you need to concentrate on being you for a bit. I agree, for what its worth, that its too soon to meet any one else for a relationship, you are still obviously heartbroken. Its not necessarily soon to gfo out for a drink with someone else.....as I said before dating doesn't mean you have to be promiscuous, just social.

I am definitely going out and being more social now. I have been going out a few times with an old friend who i sort of like and i think maybe he likes me (its hard to tell because he is such a nice person, he might just be trying to be a good friend). But you're right its too early to start a relationship, much too early and he knows i am no where near ready. I dont want to be someone who bounces from one relationship to the next and i don't want a rebound relationship. I want to do this properly and get over my ex without using anyone. Nothing wrong with a bit of socialising like you say though

Looking back i can't believe i was just happy to sit at home doing nothing and not having any friends. I let my illness run my life. I'm ashamed that it has taken something like this to make me realise all of this. But that's in the past and all i can do is change my future.