heartbroken

coin_operated_girl

Thanks guys, i am sort of happy and the breakup has given me the push i needed to go out and do more things. I just wish he would come back

The more i talk to my friend about her relationship, the more i am convinced that being 'stuck in a rut' played a bigger part in our breakup than i realised at the time. My friend was saying that she didn't think she loved her bf as much but she didn't know why, which is the exact reason my ex gave me for leaving. The friend said that my breakup has made her realise that its not that she doesn't love him as much its just that the excitement has gone from their relationship and she was starting to find him boring. Me and my ex did talk about us being stuck in a rut and, as i said before, when i told my ex that we could make some changes and that things would be different any way because he is moving much closer to me very soon this put big doubts in his mind about whether to leave. He said that maybe if things are different he will feel differently. This is when we said we would try and make it work. I now feel like i let him go and its my fault. I was the one who said after a couple of days that trying isn't going to work and that i couldn't do it because it hurt too much. I mean we sort of came to a mutual agreement at that point that it wasn't going to work. At the time i thought that if he doesn't love me then there's not much i can do about it...but now i am worried that if i just stuck with it for a while we could have worked.

Maybe, like my friend, he has confused boredom with falling out of love. I mean i sent him that email saying that i was making some changes for myself, so he is aware of that, but i didn't mention in the email that we were probably stuck in a rut and that is something we can fix. I really, really want to talk to him about this but as he doesn't want to meet up for a chat i don't know what else i can do. I promised that i wouldn't contact him any more and said that when he is ready he can get back in contact with me if he wants. I hate thinking that we didn't try absolutely everything though, especially something which we could have fixed relatively easily

I mean it could be that he did just start to fall out of love with me, but i think being stuck in a rut where i see him every weekend and we don't do much other than watch TV certainly wouldn't have helped and he said himself that we never do anything any more, which he didn't like. I should have picked up on this when he said it and really pushed the point that we can change things. It wasn't entirely our fault, neither of us are currently in paid employment so we just didn't have the money to go out much but we could have made the effort to go out more.

Sorry for the ramblings, i'm just trying to get my thoughts in order. I am absolutely gutted that i didn't see all of this before and now i have lost him forever. I am never making this mistake in a relationship again.

Percy1983

You shouldn't have to push these things, I had an ex who wanted to go out all the time while I like a balance of cuddling up in front of the TV isn't always a bad thing.

So yes for us to work one of us would have had to become more 'exciting' or more 'boring'.

As it is I am now with a women who is much like me in this regard, we both like a mix of excitement and relaxing.

In short rather than worrying about fitting in with him, find somebody else who fits in with you.

tesuhoha

I hope you don't mind me butting in here. I've been reading this thread and I can't hold back any longer.

I mean this kindly. You are acting like too much of a doormat for him. Men are competitive creatures and they like the thrill of the chase. If you make relationships too easy for them they get bored. I think maybe this is part of the problem here - he knows that you are there waiting for him and for this reason he is bored. You are no challenge to him. I don't know whether its possible for you to save this relationship but the best thing you can do is to become totally unavailable to him. DON'T send him any more emails, DON'T contact him again. You really need to read this book for future relationships. I think you urgently need to read this book or another book like Men Love B1tches.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/All-Rules-Time-Tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446618799/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311326886&sr=1-1

This is all very true. You need to play hard to get. Men love a challenge. Even if you don't feel sparky and confident, you have to pretend that you are. Take this advice for future relationships even if this one cannot be saved. I doubt if it can now because he knows you too well and he is not bored by you but by your behaviour. I hope you will not take this in the wrong way because it is intended to help - you need to be an old fashioned hard to get girl.

tesuhoha

Take it from me, I've been married for 30+ years and you have to keep a man on his toes!

Elle7

I'm really sorry...it sounds like you've got that tough bit of breaking up where you have to let go. It's that bit which I think has hurt me the most in the past...it hurts like anything, and I remember being desperate to claw it back.

I think in an odd way he is doing you a favour by not contacting you - whatever his reasons, he has decided that he can't have any contact, and at least that should make letting go a bit easier for you. Maybe deleting his email and number is a good idea now? You don't want to repeatedly contact him and come across as desperate - leave it with your strong first email, showing that you have a life. Maybe you did get stuck in a rut, but he did nothing to help this - if he was bored, he should have done something, it's not your job to entertain him!

Anyway, moving on from him, the volunteering sounds fantastic! I'm still trying to learn to drive so I can get a volunteer job. I've had an odd week - I saw some old school friends but we live in different worlds now, as they have children, and the girl I usually meet at least once a week has gone away for a fortnight.

I hope you wake up feeling a bit more positive...We could always start a new thread to chat on if you don't want to use this one, and everyone who feels a bit stuck in a rut can join and talk. I know this place keeps me sane at times!

All the best,
E x

Percy1983

I would disagree with the whole hard to get thing, I class it as playing games and just walk away.

If somebody wants to talk to me they should, keep it simple.

With that there was a success at dating in my youth, I was interested in a girl and she was interested in me, I made it clear I was available and sent a few texts, I will admit I was getting nowhere after several weeks showing an interest. Then one weekend I was going a car show (my car was on show) so a spent all day saturday sorting/cleaning the car and all day sunday at the show, this actually made me impossible to get for a whole weekend and it seems as soon as I wasn't available she wanted me.

Either way I final got that date and then a second and then a 'its not you its me' :rotfl:

So by all means this who hard to get thing may work with some people, some people want to be chased, some want to chase, some (like me) keep it simple. So to say there is one rule which fits all is rather wrong.

coin_operated_girl

Percy1983 wrote: »

You shouldn't have to push these things, I had an ex who wanted to go out all the time while I like a balance of cuddling up in front of the TV isn't always a bad thing.

So yes for us to work one of us would have had to become more 'exciting' or more 'boring'.

As it is I am now with a women who is much like me in this regard, we both like a mix of excitement and relaxing.

In short rather than worrying about fitting in with him, find somebody else who fits in with you.

The thing is i was bored with sitting around just watching TV as well, but i guess i just got used to it because i have been doing for so long due to my ill health. And its not like he said "lets go out" and i said "no". I would have happily gone out and done things now that my health is getting better but neither of us came up with suggestions to do things- so i guess he is just as much to blame as i am.

tesuhoha wrote: »

I hope you don't mind me butting in here. I've been reading this thread and I can't hold back any longer.

I mean this kindly. You are acting like too much of a doormat for him. Men are competitive creatures and they like the thrill of the chase. If you make relationships too easy for them they get bored. I think maybe this is part of the problem here - he knows that you are there waiting for him and for this reason he is bored. You are no challenge to him. I don't know whether its possible for you to save this relationship but the best thing you can do is to become totally unavailable to him. DON'T send him any more emails, DON'T contact him again. You really need to read this book for future relationships. I think you urgently need to read this book or another book like Men Love B1tches.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/All-Rules-Time-Tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446618799/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311326886&sr=1-1

This is all very true. You need to play hard to get. Men love a challenge. Even if you don't feel sparky and confident, you have to pretend that you are. Take this advice for future relationships even if this one cannot be saved. I doubt if it can now because he knows you too well and he is not bored by you but by your behaviour. I hope you will not take this in the wrong way because it is intended to help - you need to be an old fashioned hard to get girl.

I see what you are saying, and i don't think that i am taking it the wrong way, but i am not going to change for anyone. If he wants someone who will play games and pretend they aren't interested then i'm not the one for him. I don't play games and neither does he. In fact, when we watched TV and saw people playing games and trying to play hard to get he would always say that he is glad i am not like that. But at the same time, maybe my confidence has dropped a bit and no one wants someone who isn't confident and wont do things for themselves...i still appreciate the advice though.

Elle7 wrote: »

I'm really sorry...it sounds like you've got that tough bit of breaking up where you have to let go. It's that bit which I think has hurt me the most in the past...it hurts like anything, and I remember being desperate to claw it back. Yep, this is exactly where i am at. I am accepting that it is over i think, but it still doesn't feel real

I think in an odd way he is doing you a favour by not contacting you - whatever his reasons, he has decided that he can't have any contact, and at least that should make letting go a bit easier for you. Maybe deleting his email and number is a good idea now? You don't want to repeatedly contact him and come across as desperate - leave it with your strong first email, showing that you have a life. Maybe you did get stuck in a rut, but he did nothing to help this - if he was bored, he should have done something, it's not your job to entertain him! This is all very true. I have deleted his number from my phone...i know his email address off by heart though because it is just his name. But yeah, i think he is sort of doing me a favour, now i know he is trying to move on i can try and do the same.

Anyway, moving on from him, the volunteering sounds fantastic! I'm still trying to learn to drive so I can get a volunteer job. I've had an odd week - I saw some old school friends but we live in different worlds now, as they have children, and the girl I usually meet at least once a week has gone away for a fortnight.

I hope you wake up feeling a bit more positive...We could always start a new thread to chat on if you don't want to use this one, and everyone who feels a bit stuck in a rut can join and talk. I know this place keeps me sane at times!

All the best,
E x

I am really enjoying the voluntary job, i am trying to get involved as much as possible and be as reliable as possible in the hope that maybe one day if any paid positions come up they will think of me first. I am only doing a small amount of hours at the moment, but i think thats a good thing because i think i need to slowly ease my way back into work otherwise it could set me back. I hope the driving goes well. What sort of voluntary work do you hope to get?

coin_operated_girl

Percy1983 wrote: »

I would disagree with the whole hard to get thing, I class it as playing games and just walk away.

If somebody wants to talk to me they should, keep it simple.

With that there was a success at dating in my youth, I was interested in a girl and she was interested in me, I made it clear I was available and sent a few texts, I will admit I was getting nowhere after several weeks showing an interest. Then one weekend I was going a car show (my car was on show) so a spent all day saturday sorting/cleaning the car and all day sunday at the show, this actually made me impossible to get for a whole weekend and it seems as soon as I wasn't available she wanted me.

Either way I final got that date and then a second and then a 'its not you its me' :rotfl:

So by all means this who hard to get thing may work with some people, some people want to be chased, some want to chase, some (like me) keep it simple. So to say there is one rule which fits all is rather wrong.

I agree with this. Playing games is something i would never do and something my ex would have left me a long time ago for if i did. I can see that it would work for some, but its not for me and if someone wants to have to do some chasing before they get me then they aren't for me either.

maggie_12

coin_operated_girl wrote: »

Thank you. My head is all over the place at the moment, but i guess the main thing im feeling is numbness. I am just completely shocked.



After reading your post i decided to ask him outright whether he cheated on me. He said that he hasn't and i believe him. I may be stupid for believing him, but i really don't think he is capable of doing such a thing.

After reading everyone's posts i think its clear what i have to do. I need to leave and tell him that he has a couple of days to make his mind up and after that he is not to contact me any more.

I guess the thing that is making it harder and very confusing for me is that he is saying he wants to "try". But if he has fallen out of love with me then what is there to try for? Its not like im getting on his nerves or he just wants a bit more space- things like that can be worked through...he cant make himself love me though. I mean stuff has always been hard for us, i havent worked in about 3 years due to ill health. This means that i never have any money to do things, i dont go out that much, i hardly know his friends as when they go out ive never felt up to it. On top of this he has to help me A LOT with sorting out a load of benefit stuff (appeals etc). So i guess i could understand why he is unsure; we never do stuff like a normal couple and i guess sometimes its more like he is my dad than my boyfriend with the amount of stuff he does for me (i keep telling him he doesn't have to do anything for me, but he wants to).

A week before i went on holiday i was given some new medication and so far it is working brilliantly, im really hoping i can get back to work soon- i was planning on job hunting as soon as i got back, but then all this happened (only got back yesterday though). So all of the above stuff can be sorted out between us and perhaps we could be more like a normal couple...but this is going to be a long and slow process. I can't just jump straight back into work, i need to do it slowly and its going to be a long time before i find an employer who is willing to take me on and willing to pay me for my time as well.

When we talked about all this stuff and how things should improve for me, thats when the doubts came in about whether he wants to leave me or not. He said maybe things will be different and that he will feel differently towards me, but i don't know. Its not like he said he's unsure about us because he is fed up with looking after me or because he wants a girlfriend who is able to do normal things like go out in the evening. Falling out of love with me is so much more difficult than this.

Hi there, I was just reading through what you said about the medication working better and you had plans to find a job when you returned from holiday..........please do not put this or any of your life on hold. I know the person you love is important but when he's saying he doesn't know if he loves you anymore and as you say, that's not really fixable, then you carry on with your plans! It's a shame you felt so positive when you left on holiday and returned to that! At the end of the day, no matter WHAT is going on in his mind or WHAT he may/may not have done, people in a relationship should be supporting each other and protecting each other's feelings.......he is doing the complete opposite of this.

I ended a 7 year relationship a few years ago (someone that I couldn't imagine living without) because he stayed in a hotel one night less than half a mile from our house! I found the receipt and like you, he swore he was not with anyone else and I believed him. Turns out he just needed a night away from me to 'think' - I made the decision process very easy for him and called the relationship off. We had run out of steam, we were young when we met and our lives were going in different directions.

In difficult situations, especially ones of the heart, ask yourself just one question 'What does my gut instinct tell me to do?'

Good luck honey x

tesuhoha

I'm not talking about playing games. Its about loving yourself and having respect for yourself. I know that it goes against your basic instincts but it does actually work. One of the things it says in the book (The Rules) is that men will not admit that they like a challenge and if asked they will say no. But it does actually work. He may say that he doesn't like playing games but the secret is he should not be aware that is what you are doing. As far as he is concerned you are enjoying life and are no longer interested in him (even if you are).

Not meaning to be cruel but trying to contact him and letting him know you are there for him hasn't worked so far has it?

My daughter used to say the same as you (she is 25) about how she would not play games because I was always telling her to play hard to get. Then all her friends were reading the rules and she said she wished someone had told her about it when she was 16!

With your boyfriend, I think he has it all his own way. If for instance when he said to you that he thought he was no longer in love with you, if you had said 'fine, lets have a break for a while - I've got a very busy weekend coming up anyway' and immediately left with no further contact, he most likely would have been wondering why you were busy, who you were with. At the very least he would have had more respect for you and the chances are he would have phoned you. You may not like playing games but if you want to be with that guy, isn't it worth a shot?

I think I am going to have problems convincing you to change your mind about this but let me tell you about my own experience when I was young. I went out with this bloke, I chased him because I liked him. He finished with me. I begged him to stay and he ran even faster. So I thought, blow it, he's not worth it. I met someone else within two weeks. This guy saw me in the pub with him. He came running back begging me to take him back. (I still said no because he had had his chance). He continued to ask me for ages.

I know you hate the idea of playing games and as I say it goes against all your instincts but once you are in a relationship you can relax a bit and only bring it back into practice if things start going wrong. The good relationship is the object in all this where you can be yourself but you have to get into this position.

Think about an attractive man - he's so used to girls falling all over him - he's going to be interested in the one who doesn't. Because he will think she is different, she is the one. Your boyfriend is probably thinking that he can do what he likes then he is pretty sure that in a year or so if he feels like it you will take him back. This is showing a lack of respect for you. I'm not explaining myself very well. That is why I recommended that book to you. Maybe you should read it and then decide if you still feel the same way.