heartbroken

coin_operated_girl

Hi guys,

Sorry i haven't posted in a couple of days i've been trying to keep myself busy looking for work, planning the skydive, planning to meet up with old friends etc. I told my housemate (who i dont know particularly well) that i broke up with the ex and we have just had a 7 hour conversation! Never knew i could talk for so long! She is going through a recent break up too, so it was really good for her as well. She is gutted for me as she really liked my ex and thought we were a great couple. She said that she knew as soon as she saw me last week that we had broken up but at the same time wasn't too concerned because she thought straight away that we will get back together eventually. She also said that there is no way he would have cheated on me. Shes very direct and tells it like it is so i know she isn't just saying that to be nice. She (along with my mum and the one friend who has met him the most amount of times out of all my friends) all believe that he just got a bit lost and will come back once hes found his way. I have to admit, that is exactly how i feel- but i will move on and i wont hang around for him, so i am trying my hardest not to get my hopes up. I know that whatever happens, this is for the best- it will either make us a stronger couple or it will make me a stronger person. I know i probably sound like i am in denial and i'm not ready to let go, but i had a gut instinct that he was going to leave me even though i wasn't even in the same country as him and i have a gut instinct that he will come back one day. As i say though, i can't let myself think like this, i need to move forward.

Ok...confession time. Against everyone's advice i sent him an email last night. I know everyone is going to tell me i made a massive mistake and that i have pushed him further away, but i don't feel like i have. I don't regret sending the email one bit and it may not bring us back together, but at least he knows im ok and i will get through it (he was worried i was going to hurt myself as i have a past history of self-harming). I thought long and hard about it sending it and although i originally wrote it as a letter just a couple of days ago i have already been able to change things from 'i'm planning to' or 'i will' to 'i have'.

Everyone might think i have made a mistake, but to be honest, i know him. I know what he will be thinking and feeling and what went on between us. Even if we never get back together i know i will still be glad i sent the email and i wont be thinking 'if only' i hadn't sent it.

My sleeping and eating has been totally messed up the past week, but it seems today that is all back to normal I feel at peace with myself now and i believe its because i emailed him. I am going to ask my GP tomorrow when i see her whether she knows of any back-to-work schemes for people who have been on long term sickness benefits.

As odd as it may sound, the one thing i wish i wasn't feeling is that he will come back. Of course i would love him to, but i really wish that i didn't feel like i knew he will come back. I'm worried that this will eventually stop me moving forward, but if its not meant to be, then hopefully these feelings will fade. Quick question: is it normal to feel like this? that even though you have broken up you feel like you know its not the end? I cant tell if this is normal or not. This is going to sound weird but ive only ever felt so sure of something 2 other times in my life (one being that he was going to leave me, the other something completely random that was going to happen to a stranger which did 5 mins later), so its hard to ignore this feeling but the voice of reason in me is trying it shut it up.

I probably sound completely crazy and like im not in control or as strong as you possibly thought i sounded before. I think i am still being strong, but im just being honest with myself and how i feel.

For anyone else going through a break up at the moment, my sister sent me this in an email the other day, the bit in quotes really gave me comfort (the book she is talking about is 'Eat, Pray, Love'): When the main character is in India, she meets a wise old man. He teaches her it's ok to miss someone and still love them. There's nothing wrong wth that. He tells her its absolutely fine for her to celebrate and cherish the good times and the relationship they had. He also says something along the lines of 'people think soulmates are meant to last forever. They don't. Soulmates are meant to make an impact on your life. They come in to teach you what you need to be taught and then they leave. They help you to grow'.

lostinrates

It doesn't matter what we strongly advise, it is your life and you live with your choices. Thus its not for any of us to say we think you were wrong. We can only really say we would have done different. but what is right for one isn't for another, and you are right, we don't know either of you

coin_operated_girl

lostinrates wrote: »

It doesn't matter what we strongly advise, it is your life and you live with your choices. Thus its not for any of us to say we think you were wrong. We can only really say we would have done different. but what is right for one isn't for another, and you are right, we don't know either of you

Thank you. I was worried that i was going to get shot down for not listening to everyone's advice, but i know in my heart that i have done the right thing. I tend to over think things and i'm a bit of a worrier but this time i knew what side of the fence im sat on. I'm not naive enough to think the email will make him come running back to me, i know it won't, but i still feel like it was the right thing to do. The fact that i don't regret it so far or even worry whether i made the right choice says something to me. If nothing else, i believe it will give me a bit of closure and peace.

coin_operated_girl

oh and heres something weird. I live with 6 people. 2 of which have been single for a while the other 4 (including me) have all been in relationships but in the past 3 months have all broken up with their partners. My house mate is convinced our ex house mate has put a spell on the house because since she left around 4 months ago the house mate's life has pretty crumbled to pieces (lost her bf, job, best friend, had a cancer scare etc). I don't believe in spells or anything, but it is a bit strange...

Percy1983

Glad your feeling better, don't stress about e-mailing him, its that is what you need to do then so be it.

It does seem this is making you stronger and as you say if you do get back together it will make you stronger as a couple, one thing if he does comeback tomorrow don't change your plans, there is a whole world out there, get out and see it with or without him.

coin_operated_girl

Percy1983 wrote: »

Glad your feeling better, don't stress about e-mailing him, its that is what you need to do then so be it.

It does seem this is making you stronger and as you say if you do get back together it will make you stronger as a couple, one thing if he does comeback tomorrow don't change your plans, there is a whole world out there, get out and see it with or without him.

Thanks and i agree, we would need to go right back to the beginning for a little bit so we can each make sure we our own space and don't fall back into the rut we were in before.

Last night i remembered something that i did during the break up. I sent the ex a link to this thread when it was just over a page long. I have no idea why i did that, i think i thought it would make him feel better knowing that i genuinely have no hard feelings towards him and that i don't blame him at all. My head was a mess and everything was a blur, so ive just remembered i did that. As a result i think i shouldn't post on here any more. I suspect that he isn't looking at this thread, but a part of me thinks how can he not be curious about what i am up to and what i am thinking. So i think its best if i stop posting for a while- for both of our sakes. I don't want him to know everything i am feeling and if he is looking at this thread it may be confusing him or messing with his head and potentially stopping him from moving on.

I feel bad to just leave like this because you guys have been great, but i hope you understand. I really want to thank everyone for their kind words, support and constructive criticism. I will be sure to post back if there are any major updates either way. In the mean time, i'm happy for people to use this thread as a place to chat if they need to talk about anything.

fs110

hi coin operated girl,

Ive just read this thread from start to end so it didnt seem right to not post a quick message - your story has so many similarities to mine (im 6 months further down the line than you) that it really struck a chord.

Dont beat yourself up about sometimes thinking about him and being upset - thats normal. A good cry is much needed sometimes. Equally dont feel guilty at starting to move on and live your life again.

Its been said numerous times throughout this thread but its worth repeating. You come across as a level-headed and sensible girl and you have a lot to offer the world. But do it for you just now because you need it for you.

You are doing brilliantly so far so well done!

Elle,

I think I'll start this adventure with you...making new friends, and trying to get a new purpose

good for you - tell us more about what you get up to. Especially if you find a good book club. Ive always meant to join a book club and never done so. Maybe that should be my job this week - to find one! :T


Good luck to you both xx



edit: btw ive been a very long time lurker and occasional poster on this forum for many years now - the new profile was purely because my old one had clues as to my real identity .... you never know who is reading :-) - and originally when i replied i was going to tell you my story and i didnt want ex or her friends to see it. Ill come back and share my story one day maybe.

coin_operated_girl

Hi guys,

Just thought i would update the thread. No real news though. I still don't regret sending my ex the email i sent him a few days after we brokeup. Never had a reply, but thats ok. Yesterday i sent him another email asking if we could meet up for a chat because there was a few things i wanted to talk to him about. No reply either. At first i was angry that i wasn't even worth a "no thanks" and that he had obviously moved on. After given it some more thought i have come to the conclusion that this probably isn't why he hasn't replied. He is probably being told the same thing as i am; do not get in contact, it will only make it harder to move on. So i think (hope) that this is the reason why he hasn't replied- like he is trying to do both of us a favour. Then i reasoned that if this is the case it must be killing him that i am trying to get back in contact and it probably makes him feel really guilty that he is ignoring me. So i've decided that's it. I don't want to hurt him so i know i need to leave him alone. I sort of regret sending him this second email, but at the same time i don't. Either he hates me for some unknown reason and thinks im not even worth his time (i really, really hope its not this, i haven't done anything wrong as far as i am aware) or he is trying to move on- either way, he has made up his mind and i need to respect that. So its time for me to move on too.

I was talking to a friend earlier and she was saying how her relationship with her boyfriend has gone stale and she isn't sure whether she wants to be with him any more. All they do when they see each other is just watch TV and its boring and she is starting to resent wasting her weekends staying indoors not doing anything when she could be out having fun. This has really made me think. I'm sure that this is the reason that in part contributed to mine and my ex's breakup. When we broke up i did mention that we could try and change our situation and this really put doubts into his mind about whether he wanted to leave. He said that maybe if our situation was different he would feel differently. I don't feel like i pushed this point enough though- i was extremely jet lagged and a bit of an emotional mess so i don't think i was thinking straight. I am gutted that i let him go so easily. I'm sure people will say that if he really wanted to be with me he would have have been determined to give this a go before giving up. Part of him did want to try but after a couple of days i couldn't do it any more. He was being distant and it hurt me so much that i he wouldn't tell me he loved me when i said it to him and that he wouldn't hold me like he used to. I said to him that this isn't going to work is it and he said no- which is when we ended it. I feel like i should have just stuck it out for a while and put up more of a fight. Now i've let him slip through my fingers On the other hand, this is what i was saying in the first email i sent to him; that i am making positive changes in my life and i am getting out there and doing things. So i guess if this was the only issue he would have come back to me- i think this is why i don't regret sending it to him. At lease i wont be wondering 'what if'. I still feel like i let him go too easily though.

On a more positive note, i have started a voluntary job for a mental health charity and i am awaiting training for another voluntary job for the same charity. One of the members of staff mentioned they wanted to set up a Facebook page for the charity but no one in the office knows how to do it. I said that i can come into the office and help, which she seemed quite pleased about. I then got a call later that day saying they have some office based voluntary work for me if i am interested. I said yes.

I have been going out a fair bit and keeping myself busy. I got asked out on a date last week by a very good looking guy (way out of my league, i think he was a bit drunk). I turned him down because picking up guys from a bar isn't my kind of thing and im not ready to date yet, but it was still nice. I have been meeting up with an old school friend a few times and i think i like him and i think he likes me too. I'm not ready for another relationship yet- i want to get over my ex and not rush things, but you never know, may be one day.

I was really hoping to update this thread with happy news, but i guess it isn't meant to be. Thanks once again for everyone's help and i hope everyone is well.

RAS

Hi

Actually it sounds like happy news to me. you are doing really well. take your time to decide what you want and to get over the relationship before plunging into another.

Percy1983

As above its sounds happy to me, if you read back some of your early post on this thread you will see you are doing much better yourself.

Great to hear life is looking up and you are building a life for yourself, it seems you are already seeing the light so don't turn your back on it.

Life goes on, so why shouldn't yours.