Done something really stupid in past - now its coming back to bite me - HELP!

bigproblem

I knew I would get some v negative responses to this thread, but I do feel some of u are being v harsh, no I should never have had the affair, no I shouldn't have kept seeing him after, and I especially shouldn't have stretched the truth with fiance about where I was going etc - I no all of that, and none of u can make me feel worse than I already do, I don't want to think of my fiance hurt and angery, or doing something to the other guy that lands him in trouble, nor do I want the other guy to end up in trouble with the police over something so easily sorted (and before anyone says it, no that doesn't mean I still care about him, it just means a police record will stay with him, and all over something he could just put a stop to.)

Do you really think I would play 2 guys deliberately so I can embarrass my family by calling off wedding at such a late date, and lose thousands of pounds too? (no I'm not concerned by the money, but why would I do that deliberately)

Anyway for those who care, I went to police earlier and they were quite helpful, they took his details and are going to go to his house and 'have a word' tonight, so we shall see what happens.

GlynD

Well done you. And don't let anyone criticise you for your mistakes. You already know you've goofed, you don't need it rubbed in.

paddy's_mum

Hang on a minute, folks! If the OP wakes up dead in a ditch because the Police didn't "waste" enough of their time to warn off a man who is already perilously close to criminality, are we all going to cheer and say she brought it upon herself?

I believe in calling a spade a spade but this thread has now gone spiteful and what gives any of us the right to do that?

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone and all that ... :0)

Errata

If the police are talking to him tonight, he'll have a police record. They always make a record of their enquiries.

make_me_wise

bigproblem wrote: »

About a year ago i was at this guys house having a meal, and out of nowhere, he said he was in love with me, and asked me to leave bf and move in with him, he even went to get down on one knee (to propose im presuming-but i didnt give him the chance) - i told him straight that it was never going to happen and left. We stayed in contact - mostly email and text, but i distanced myself from him after this.

During last year i have got engaged and me and fiance are very happy, but within the last 2 months the other guy has started being very weird, he kept sending me texts telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me himself, that he was jealous of fiance.

Sorry but I do think you deliberately played 2 guys. You were seeing this guy behind your fiances back. You knew your fiance wouldn't like it otherwise why lie and say you were out with friends when you were with him? You stayed in contact with this other guy even after he declared he was in love with you and tried to propose.

As for the 'why would I embarrass my family by calling off the wedding at a late date'. I think you thought you could continue getting away with seeing your 'affair bloke'. Keep him where you want him to have fun with when it suits you and marry your fiance without anyone ever knowing.

Unfortunately the other guy isn't willing to stay in the background and be your pet when it suits you and is now kicking off and showing you up for what you are. So you turn it round again so you come out looking whiter than white and say he is stalking you!!!!

If you come onto a public forum and admit to what you have, people with morals and some self discipline aren't going to say 'there, there never mind have a cuppa and some biccies, things will be okay'

If you think its harsh so be it. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Schwade

I think people can be harsh to bigproblem for all they like about how she treated her fiance. That is part and parcel of the consequences she will have to deal with now.

However, trying to mix the above with the issue with this other guy is wrong.

Now, it is obvious that she has been leading him on all this time (which I think the OP knows now) BUT that doesn't mean it is right for the other guy to do what he is doing now (downloading pictures off facebook and wedding forum? attending her gym? using other phone numbers to contact her? going to her office unannounced?).

His actions are just plain weird and you can't blame this aspect all on the OP.

tattycath

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Hang on a minute, folks! If the OP wakes up dead in a ditch because the Police didn't "waste" enough of their time to warn off a man who is already perilously close to criminality, are we all going to cheer and say she brought it upon herself?

I believe in calling a spade a spade but this thread has now gone spiteful and what gives any of us the right to do that?

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone and all that ... :0)

She'll be very clever if she does that-dead people don't tend to wake up.
OP - fingers crossed this guy will back off after a police visit.

bigproblem

make_me_wise wrote: »

Unfortunately the other guy isn't willing to stay in the background and be your pet when it suits you and is now kicking off and showing you up for what you are. So you turn it round again so you come out looking whiter than white and say he is stalking you!!!!

If you come onto a public forum and admit to what you have, people with morals and some self discipline aren't going to say 'there, there never mind have a cuppa and some biccies, things will be okay'

If you think its harsh so be it. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Why would i say he is stalking me if he isnt????? What can i possibly gain from that, maybe i secretely enjoyed having to tell my fiance everything, or maybe it was having to dicuss my private life with the police, or possibly telling my boss what id done so he could understand why this guy was a possible threat and could turn up???? Urmm nope i was embarressed by my behaviour and ashamed to tell everyone what id done, hardly making myself look whiter than white in process either was i?

And the truth you mention, is that i have behaved very badly, and properly unforgivably in fiances eyes, which i accept, BUT that doesnt mean i deserve to be scared at home and at work in case this guy shows up and tries something stupid, and i DONT deserve to be scared walking home from work every time i hear someone behind me in case its him, whether i led him on or not (which in my mind i did not but whatever) does that mean its ok for him to make me feel this way? - That its ok for him to try and find me at work, ok for him to search presumably numerous wedding forums to find which one im a member of, ok to keep texting and turning up when ive asked him not to and mostly is it ok for him to scare me??

aliasojo

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Hang on a minute, folks! If the OP wakes up dead in a ditch because the Police didn't "waste" enough of their time to warn off a man who is already perilously close to criminality, are we all going to cheer and say she brought it upon herself?

I believe in calling a spade a spade but this thread has now gone spiteful and what gives any of us the right to do that?

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone and all that ... :0)

I completely agree. Granted the OP has had advice but many have just posted to condemn. Of course we are all able to air our opinions but you do have to question just what benefit comes from some of them.

That doesn't mean I'm defending the OP, just that it's usually not too helpful to any given situation to start putting the boot in after the event.

OP, first port of call should definitely be the Police. I have no idea if your fiance will be able to forgive you, I think you need to prepare yourself for your actions to have been a step too far for him. Not many people would be able to accept a second betrayal. And you did betray him, it's not always all about sex. However, if he sees you are serious about this and have taken steps to deal with the situation, he may be prepared to talk.

Pollycat

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Hang on a minute, folks! If the OP wakes up dead in a ditch because the Police didn't "waste" enough of their time to warn off a man who is already perilously close to criminality, are we all going to cheer and say she brought it upon herself?

I believe in calling a spade a spade but this thread has now gone spiteful and what gives any of us the right to do that?

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone and all that ... :0)

Spiteful, Paddy's Mum?

And that accusation comes from the woman who said yesterday:

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm not the least bit surprised by the fiance's reaction. In fact, I find it quite moderate given the circumstances.

Think about it! The woman he loves and has committed to, forgiven and learned to believe again despite the previous damage to his trust has just revealed that she has continued to deceive and lie-by-omission to him. (Clearly, she wasn't honest about where she was going when visiting the other chap, was she? because otherwise the fiance would already know that the friendship had continued.)

His trust has almost certainly been destroyed. In his shoes, I'd be flinging the plate at her, not at the wall! As for being worried that she is being stalked, why on earth would the fiance believe one word of that story in the light of the deception and dishonesty that has gone on? He has every reason in the world to think that he is being spun yet another yarn ...

The poor guy has been there, done that ... and where did it get him?

Sorry OP but I think you've been a greedy, self-gratifying, disrespectful, disloyal fool and you've probably now thrown away a diamond of a man.

I've never been that spiteful in any of my posts to the OP.

I'd say you were one of the first to sling stones.