Done something really stupid in past - now its coming back to bite me - HELP!

bigproblem

Hello, before i start im not a troll, this is a serious disaster in my life (i am a frequent poster on this forum, but didnt want anyone to judge me, so made a new profile)

Ok, this might be a long one...........

Several years ago i cheated on my then bf, it was a guy from work and he was also one of my closest friends, me and the bf were having problems and i was also having mental health problems (not that either of those things forgive what i did - not at all)

I actually thought i was in love with this other guy and was seriously considering leaving bf for him, then my bf found out about what had been going on - HUGE fight followed, and i realised that i did want to be with my boyfriend after all.

Fast forward a few years, and im still in contact with the 'other guy' but purely on a platonic footing (nothing at all has happened since i made the choice to stay with my bf) but my bf didnt know i still see him at all, which was stupid i admit, but i thought it would prevent any more upset - we really were just friends.

About a year ago i was at this guys house having a meal, and out of nowhere, he said he was in love with me, and asked me to leave bf and move in with him, he even went to get down on one knee (to propose im presuming-but i didnt give him the chance) - i told him straight that it was never going to happen and left. We stayed in contact - mostly email and text, but i distanced myself from him after this.

During last year i have got engaged and me and fiance are very happy, but within the last 2 months the other guy has started being very weird, he kept sending me texts telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me himself, that he was jealous of fiance. It got to the point where it was just ridicolous and so i blocked him from facebook etc - he then emailed me to say that he didnt mind me blocking him as he had already downloaded all my pics from facebook so he can look at them (??) Im also a member of another forum (a wedding one) and he has told me he has downloaded the pics i posted of my wedding dress trials on that site (how he found them, god only knows - my user name is nothing like my real name etc) and i know hes telling the truth as hes described my dress to a t.

Then on saturday, i went to the gym and he was there - he has 3 gyms closer to where he lives.

Then today i received a text from him via a different mobile number (i have blocked his when all this got very weird) and all it said was 'if you wont speak to me fine...i still love you...and i'll see you at your wedding on *th Dec'

Should i take this threat seriously? Does anyone think he really will turn up at the wedding? Should i go to the police (hes not threatening me or anything) - please help, i know i should have told my fiance i was still in contact with him, but i havent and im terrified hes going to turn it all around and say weve still been 'seeing' one another (as more than friends) and i couldnt blame my fiance for believing him, if that happens.

shelley_crow

Hmmm, sounds like he's stalking you.

If I were you, I'd be honest with fiance and tell him what's going on. Tell him that you've blocked him and don't correspond but he's hassling you. If your fiance knows then the other guy has nothing to blackmail you with.

Wedding wise, I'd get a few massive male relative and make them stand on the door at your wedding, give them a pic of this guy and let it be known he's not welcome..... He probably won't, he probably just likes thinking he has some semblance of control over you.

AmandaD28

Trying deperately not to sound judgemental as I really don't think that will help ..........................

Your fiance will go mental and with perfectly good reason this is someone whom you have been unfaithful to and your fiance will rightly feel both threatened by this and betrayed I really think you should come clean and tackle this person either together as a united couple where they have nothing over you to blackmail you with so to speak or you will have to face it alone.

I think you have been massively foolish to think that you could go from having an affair with this person to then just being friends - rarely does it work like that.

If their behaviour makes you feel threatened then you have no choice but to go to the police about it they can and will give him a warning and if it continues more severe things can be looked at but I don't think in any way shape or form keeping this a secret now will do you any good you will be stressed and your OH may think that is about him and after everything that really is not fair.

Really sorry if this comes across as harsh it's not meant to I think you know you have c0cked up big style and you really need this sorted ASAP hope you can work it all out
xx

bigproblem

Thank you for your responses - Amanda - it doesnt sound harsh, its all very true but yes i really do know i messed up BIGTIME here.

I agree it has reached a stalking level - its all very weird.

I also know i need to tell my fiance, but am SO scared at bringing it all up again, as it took a long time to rebuild things the 1st time around - and just hearing his name again is going to be bad enough for him, he is going to go absolutely ballastic of that i have NO doubt. Looking back now, i have been completely stupid, but before the affair we were close friends, so we just ended up back were we started so to speak.

Wedding wise - im hoping its just a bluff (especially as wedding is 5 months away) but im not counting on it, so think i will have to sort out some big men to act as bouncers!

Schwade

It's going to come up sooner or later whether you say it now or later. Depends on who he hears it from (or maybe he already knows?).

Time for you to put all the skeletons out of your closets and let your bf decide. You can't control a relationship - that's why it takes two to tango.

All I can say is, if your fiance doesn't even know you can kept in touch with him and you even went to his house to have dinner, I would be thinking whether I can trust you when I get married to you. So you need to explain and prove to him you aren't hiding stuff behind his back and try to restore his trust with you.

All the best.

THE OTHER WAY is just to say the guy is harassing you and you want to stop it and not mention the fact that you are been keeping in contact with him all these years. This will help in the short term but at the end I just think these things will come up sooner or later. Sort of like Greece.

savingmummy

I would sit your fiance down and tell him everything! IF you can`t face telling him (can imagine it being a bit daunting and scary) then either write to him or show him this post!!


Best for him to know now then AFTER the wedding, or on the day!
Chances are it is a threat BUT its not worth risking imo!

make_me_wise

If I were you I would tell your fiance. Show him your post here, it says it all as it is. What he will make of it, who knows.

Personally I dont think it was wise to keep in touch with someone who you had an affair with. Whether you meant it to or not it has given this guy mixed messages. He probably thinks deep down that he has a chance with you.

I wouldn't run the risk of this individual turning up to you wedding just at the point the vicar is asking ' Does anyone know any reason why these two may not..........'

By the way you describe this friend I wouldn't put it past him.

Hard_up,_not_happy

bigproblem wrote: »

Looking back now, i have been completely stupid, but before the affair we were close friends, so we just ended up back were we started so to speak.

Come clean. Tell your fiance everything and then let him make his mind up. Sounds to me like this friend is a touch unbalanced and seems to currently be stalking you. But then I guess he could argue he has had mixed messages.

Okay so you were good friends, then you had an affair. By staying in touch you didn't end up back where you started. Very few people can just go back to being platonic friends after being intimate with each other. Maybe you did feel that way but I think it has been obvious this guy didn't.

The build up to your wedding is meant to be the happiest time in your life. You seem full of angst.

Speak with your fiance. Dont see how you can go ahead and marry him with all this mess hanging over you. At some point he will find out. Better now than later.

Tropez

You may have some legal protection under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997. Under the act, harassment of another is illegal if a reasonable person would consider the actions of somebody to be harassment of another. As you have blocked him from contacting you several times, it should therefore be reasonable to most that you do not wish to speak to this man and that his actions therefore constitute harassment.

Read the text of the Act here and see if and what applies to your situation - http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1997/40/contents

You can speak to the CAB before contacting the police and/or a solicitor for advice.

bigproblem

In hindsight (wonderful thing that it is!) yes he could well have seen it as mixed messages (the friend) but i was 100% straight with him - telling him that nothing would ever happen again - i never wavered from this after the affair - or gave any indication that it would ever happen again.

The thought of him turning up on the day fills me with absolute terror - and as someone else has said i wouldnt put it past him. He has become almost obsessed and i honestly believe that he thinks we will end up together - the more i ignore him/block him from things the more it spurs him on - i just dont get it.

I will speak with my fiance (dont think i have much choice) but am dreading his reaction, when he found out about the affair, he was understandably devestated, and called the guy up (he was at his work xmas party, bf got number off my phone) and threatened him over phone, fiance goes to same gym as me, so the thought of them 'bumping' into each other is not a good one, although i dont think fiance would recognize him, i know the guy knows what my fiance looks like (thank you facebook) as i had a text off him other day saying 'guess who i just saw at gym ***'

I know he will turn this around on me, and tell fiance weve been sleeping together all this time (which we honestly havent) and i wouldnt blame fiance for believing him.

Errata

Tell him to clear off or the next time he contacts you through any medium you will report him to the police for stalking. Of course you will also need to tell the police you've been hanging on to him for the last several years, despite your BF going ballistic when he discovered you'd cheated with him.