Done something really stupid in past - now its coming back to bite me - HELP!

make_me_wise

bigproblem wrote: »

In hindsight (wonderful thing that it is!) yes he could well have seen it as mixed messages (the friend) but i was 100% straight with him - telling him that nothing would ever happen again - i never wavered from this after the affair - or gave any indication that it would ever happen again.

I'm not saying this to be pedantic. Thing is the fact that you stayed in contact with 'an affair,' whilst being in a relationship with the guy you cheated on, does give indication to this other guy that it may happen again. The way you behave towards him and what you say to him means nothing if you are showing him you aren't prepared to walk away altogether.

You didn't show this guy that you love and respect your fiance enough, to cut all contact and ties with him. Therefore he thinks he has a chance.

I hope you and your fiance can work through this. Personally if my husband had treated me like this whilst we were engaged I would have called the wedding off. I wouldn't have understood the need to keep in touch with this other person at all. If he hadn't told me and I had found out after the wedding I would have felt like I was led on and trapped. Own up asap.

pigpen

Tell your OH the truth.. block every means of contact this wierdo has and contact the police!

RAS

Hard_up,_not_happy wrote: »

Very few people can just go back to being platonic friends after being intimate with each other. Maybe you did feel that way but I think it has been obvious this guy didn't.

Actually, you can. It is about respecting the other person's partner and not allowing the (ex) to get silly ideas.

I have stayed in touch with two exs and I would never dream of doing anything that compromised their new relationships. I have to confess that I would have really liked one of those relationships to have worked but he made a decision at the time and I am happy at the outcome for him. And since there are children involved I would never ever allow anything to happen, not even inappropriate conversations.

Barneysmom

I've been thinking about this thread for the last half an hour since I read it.

You've been silly but you haven't been unfaithful. You haven't encouraged the guy have you?

Is it only since you've severed contact that he's become a stalker?

Go to the police and see what they say, tell your boyfriend that XX is stalking you and has been stalking you for a good while and you've been scared to tell him.

Show him you've blocked XX and have made no attempts to be friendly towards him.

bigproblem

make_me_wise wrote: »

I'm not saying this to be pedantic. Thing is the fact that you stayed in contact with 'an affair,' whilst being in a relationship with the guy you cheated on, does give indication to this other guy that it may happen again. The way you behave towards him and what you say to him means nothing if you are showing him you aren't prepared to walk away altogether.

You didn't show this guy that you love and respect your fiance enough, to cut all contact and ties with him. Therefore he thinks he has a chance.

QUOTE]

yes, looking at it like that, i can completely see the logic, of why he may think he 'has a chance' but he has taken it WAY too far - most people wouldnt ask someone to move in with them as their GF, whose just their friend (even if there was history) . But i do agree with what you say, ive just never really looked at it like that before.

I have decided to tell my fiance tonight, as have very little choice, cant imagine how im going to even begin this one....

bigproblem

Barneysmom wrote: »

I've been thinking about this thread for the last half an hour since I read it.

You've been silly but you haven't been unfaithful. You haven't encouraged the guy have you?

Is it only since you've severed contact that he's become a stalker?

He behaviour has got much more extreme since i severed contact, but it all began when i got engaged - thats when he started acting very weirdly and when i started to distance myself from him.

make_me_wise

RAS wrote: »

Actually, you can. It is about respecting the other person's partner and not allowing the (ex) to get silly ideas.

I have stayed in touch with two exs and I would never dream of doing anything that compromised their new relationships. I have to confess that I would have really liked one of those relationships to have worked but he made a decision at the time and I am happy at the outcome for him. And since there are children involved I would never ever allow anything to happen, not even inappropriate conversations.

Thing is this other guy has never had any respect for the OPs partner. If he had he wouldn't have got in a relationship with her whilst she was with him. Staying in contact with 'an affair' whilst rebuilding the relationship with someone you have cheated on is very risky.

To be honest I haven't stayed in contact with any ex partners. Mainly because they are ex for bloody good reasons. If you can do it then great but maintaining a good relationship with an ex who had nothing to do with your current partner is different to the situation the OP is in.

Errata

bigproblem wrote: »

He behaviour has got much more extreme since i severed contact, but it all began when i got engaged - thats when he started acting very weirdly and when i started to distance myself from him.

Because he thought he was in with a chance until he saw the ring on your finger, after all it sounds like you've had him on the subs bench for several years. Doesn't excuse his behaviour, but it explains it.

rachbc

I think you need to tell our fiance now and let him decide if he wants to be in a relationship, let alone married to, someone who lied to him about continuing a friendship with someone she was unfaithful to him with. Staying friends with an ex isn't per se odd - but lying to your current partner about it is really not on. Oh and change your no - though I suspect if you really didn't want ex to be in touch you would have done this already

katerinasol

He sounds like a creep! I would tell your boyfriend and tell the police too. If your boyfriend knows, then the freaky stalker guy hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Just as a side note, I don't think staying friends with an ex is weird at all. I'm friends with quite a few and we both have no interest in each other romantically, they're good friends with my boyfriend (soon-to-be husband) as well. Sometimes the 'spark' just fizzles out of a relationship and what's left is friendship. It doesn't mean people are subconsciously still interested in each other or anything like that.