Done something really stupid in past - now its coming back to bite me - HELP!

Schwade

Ok, first step is done with your fiance.

If I was the guy, I understand his frustrations. What he is thinking right now is whether you did it and he will be going over and over again on this. He needs to see a different person to the one he is thinking of (i.e. the girl that had the affair).

What he needs to know is absolute truth. 100% - nothing hidden. Because you have nothing to hide if nothing went on. Also show it to your actions.

Cut all contact with this maniac. Change your number. Go to the police now. You already told him he harasses you. Do everything possible to cut contact with him.

Also keep in touch with your fiance to show you are doing these things. Because the guy is going to think weird things if he thinks to himself too much. Keep showing that nothing happened (yes, he won't believe it but that's because of your past but the present truth is so different).

Hopefully he will come around. But this is not your choice. Just do your best on your side.

The guy needs to stop thinking of affair and more about the current - which is a guy harassing you.

My 2p.

pinkshoes

bigproblem wrote: »

Well I told my fiance, and to say it went badly is a understatement, he wouldn't accept/believe that nothing physical had occurred since affair (which I can't blame him for thinking) called me every name under the sun and threw his dinner plate acrossed the room, then walked out - haven't seen him since and his phones off.

I stupidly told him about this guy being at our gym and now I'm terrified he's going to find his address (as he is close friends with several of the staff at gym) and go round to the guys house (not concerned about the guy, just don't want anyone to get hurt, or fiance get into trouble for doing something silly.)

Can't believe I've messed up this, not sure if fiance will forgive me again, even tho nothing has technically happened I've still betrayed him again and in his mind with the same guy.

As for the other guy, he's still texting (think he's just got several payg sim cards, as he knows I've blocked his normal number.) And when he text last night, I answered him (as was so annoyed and upset - but no I shouldn't have) basically telling him to f off, and that I would go to police if he kept harassing me, and then this morning he text 'good morning sweetheart, sorry if I upset you, I just love u so much' - !!!!!!? He just ignored everything I said!

I'm actually quite astounded by your fiance's reaction! You've just told him you've got a stalker which is really freaking you out, and he threw his dinner across the room, accused you of lying and being unfaithful, and then walked out?!?

Text the stalker, and tell him that his behaviour is not normal, and you do not want him to contact you again, and if he does try to contact you again, you'll be reporting him to the police for stalking you.

Pollycat

pinkshoes wrote: »

I'm actually quite astounded by your fiance's reaction! You've just told him you've got a stalker which is really freaking you out, and he threw his dinner across the room, accused you of lying and being unfaithful, and then walked out?!?

Text the stalker, and tell him that his behaviour is not normal, and you do not want him to contact you again, and if he does try to contact you again, you'll be reporting him to the police for stalking you.

I'm not astounded by his reaction at all.

The girl he trusted hurt him badly by having an affair, putting his belief in her at risk.
It wasn't just a one-night stand, the OP admits she seriously considered leaving her now fiance at that time.

She then compounded that by still keeping in contact with this guy but kept that contact secret from her fiance.
She's not just been seeing this other guy in the pub with other friends, she's been to his house for meals.

Now this has all kicked off, his trust in her has been shaken again.

I'm not disputing what the OP is saying is true, but from her fiance's viewpoint, she's deceived him not once but twice and his imagination is running riot.

For the OP's sake, I hope he does calm down and come back to talk things out calmly.

I also hope that he doesn't do anything silly like commit material damage or physical hurt to this guy - for the fiance's sake, not the OP or her 'friend'.

I find the fiance's behaviour totally understandable.

The stalker issue is a separate thing (imho) and should be dealt with as you suggest, but to expect the OP's fiance to say 'oh, you poor love, how awful for you' after she's confessed to maintaining a secret relationship with someone she had an affair with is too big a leap of faith to me.

paddy's_mum

I'm not the least bit surprised by the fiance's reaction. In fact, I find it quite moderate given the circumstances.

Think about it! The woman he loves and has committed to, forgiven and learned to believe again despite the previous damage to his trust has just revealed that she has continued to deceive and lie-by-omission to him. (Clearly, she wasn't honest about where she was going when visiting the other chap, was she? because otherwise the fiance would already know that the friendship had continued.)

His trust has almost certainly been destroyed. In his shoes, I'd be flinging the plate at her, not at the wall! As for being worried that she is being stalked, why on earth would the fiance believe one word of that story in the light of the deception and dishonesty that has gone on? He has every reason in the world to think that he is being spun yet another yarn ...

The poor guy has been there, done that ... and where did it get him?

Sorry OP but I think you've been a greedy, self-gratifying, disrespectful, disloyal fool and you've probably now thrown away a diamond of a man.

scooby088

pinkshoes wrote: »

I'm actually quite astounded by your fiance's reaction! You've just told him you've got a stalker which is really freaking you out, and he threw his dinner across the room, accused you of lying and being unfaithful, and then walked out?!?

Text the stalker, and tell him that his behaviour is not normal, and you do not want him to contact you again, and if he does try to contact you again, you'll be reporting him to the police for stalking you.

How can you be astonished she cheated with the stalker!!! I would do exactly the same thing, we blokes don't think rationally when in no uncertain terms if you stay in contact with the person you cheated with.

To me that is just a normal reaction and in all honesty i cannot blame the bloke for getting angry after all the betrayal continued.

bigproblem

I also think fiances reaction was completely justified, maybe the way i put it made him sound a tad aggressive (hes really not like that at all) but i think he had every right to react in manner he did, what ive done is terrible - i do realise that, he believes (from what he said last night) that im telling him now that this guy is stalking me, as fiance thinks someone has found out about us and im covering my back by making up this story - which im not, he honestly believes that i have been sleeping with this guy the whole time and now for some reason have decided to make this all up.

Had hope blocking other guys number would be enough, rather then having to change my phone number, but yes i will now have to contact the phone company and get a new number.

Still no contact from fiance, am just hoping he is ok, as i called his work and he phoned in sick, and really hope he isnt spending the day hunting down the guy, as that is just going to make a bad situation worse for my fiance.

Schwade

bigproblem, i know this will be tough going for you but keep maintaining contact with him (but give him a few days to cool down). He might not believe you now, but the truth is there and eventually he will know the truth.

You seem to be a person that doesn't want to upset people, especially if you think being friends with a person you had an affair will be more comfortable than doing the active act of cutting ties with him.

However, sometimes, you need to go the extra step to make sure things are clean cut. You also need to do this now to show your fiance you are serious.

So start from the beginning. New phone, new everywhere. The fiance needs to see the new you and the truth and not what he is wildly thinking.

scooby088

Have you gone to police with regards to the stalking? I think your fiance wants to have few days to calm down and think rationally without you around all his anger will be directed at you for a while. I do hope that he doesn't do anything stupid with regards to the other bloke. I do wish you good luck but imo i think this will be the straw that breaks the camels back.

whitewing

I think if I were your fiance that I would be calling off the wedding. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to marry you in the future but I certainly wouldn't want to be getting married in these circumstances.

Tyfelt

It's good that you told your fiance. His reaction is understandable and I think it is very likely that after some time he will forgive you.

Re the other guy, I have some experience with this because an ex of mine was being stalked while I was seeing her, for quite some time. The behaviour of her stalker was similar to that of your own. For example, on myspace (yes, it was that long ago), I would leave a nice comment on her page and he would then comment insinuating that I should f-off and stop talking to his woman, at which point my girlfriend would tell him to f-off and that she was with me, and he would just ignore this and continue to lay into me and act as if he and the woman in question were in a relationship, from there it got a lot worse with him graduating to stalking her not just in cyberspace but in person, but we handled it badly.

Point being, you can not reason with this person. It will not work. You must not contact him at all in any way. Any contact he receives from you he will see as justification of his actions. If he is mentally unwell he may even believe that you're sending him secret signals when you're not. If he says he's going to turn up somewhere, he will. He has shown form in this respect by turning up at your gym. You should contact the police and make them aware of the situation, ask them about an injunction.