Done something really stupid in past - now its coming back to bite me - HELP!

paddy's_mum

The truth of the matter, unfortunately, is that the OP continued with what many people would consider an inappropriate friendship for, in her own words, "several years". During that time, a great deal of deceit, secrecy and moral dishonesty went on, even if no actual lies were told.

I have no doubt that in the fiance's eyes, whether or not the OP slept with the other bloke is the least of his problems. All he will know is that he's been living in a huge tangle of deceit, all unbeknown to him.

I know that I couldn't forgive treachery of this type and I suspect that he won't be able to either, poor devil. He's the victim in all this, don't you think?

savingmummy

Give him some space and let him calm down!
He probably feels very let down if i`m honest and may well be feeling too angry to come home right now.

IF you are really worried about this other man then i think you need to report him to the police and see what they say. Explain everything in details and if you can show them the messages he is sending and keep the ones you send back.

stayingupright

katerinasol wrote: »

Just as a side note, I don't think staying friends with an ex is weird at all. I'm friends with quite a few and we both have no interest in each other romantically, they're good friends with my boyfriend (soon-to-be husband) as well. Sometimes the 'spark' just fizzles out of a relationship and what's left is friendship. It doesn't mean people are subconsciously still interested in each other or anything like that.

But this ISN'T an ex - it was an affair - I can't believe that your BF would happily be friends with someone who you cheated on him with.... as for the 'spark' fizzling out - in this case that is BS.... the OP had the spark for the guy *while* she was with her now fiance. I truly think if you have an affair with someone you should sever ALL ties with them - FOREVER... out of respect for your partner, or else there is no trust to rebuild the relationship. I'm confused as to why people are confusing exes and affair partners - not the same at all.

Percy1983

Got to say as a bloke my head would be in pieces after that, to be honest I would feel you have been either still cheating or keeping him on the reserves bench, either thought would make me physically sick.

Just had another thought but have you changed the password/secret questions to your e-mail address? you say he found you on a wedding forum, I guess said forum send you a welcome (username) e-mail minimum. Likewise anything else which goes through your e-mail could be seen (do you get e-mail form facebook etc).

I do hope your relationship isn't destroyed by this, but it does seem you have been very stupid and may have to face the consequences of that.

Errata

paddy's_mum wrote: »

The truth of the matter, unfortunately, is that the OP continued with what many people would consider an inappropriate friendship for, in her own words, "several years". During that time, a great deal of deceit, secrecy and moral dishonesty went on, even if no actual lies were told.

I have no doubt that in the fiance's eyes, whether or not the OP slept with the other bloke is the least of his problems. All he will know is that he's been living in a huge tangle of deceit, all unbeknown to him.

I know that I couldn't forgive treachery of this type and I suspect that he won't be able to either, poor devil. He's the victim in all this, don't you think?

I certainly do. Seeing a bloke behind another bloke's back for several years is cheating, whether sex is involved or not. Clearly the OP thought it was cheating as she never got around to mentioning anything.

babymoo

It sounds like this guy is stalking you and I would tell your fiance and then involve the police if it was me.

On a different note, and this probably will sound judgemental but if you were my fiance and after everything had happened you were still going round for dinner with this bloke I would be outta that relationship faster than my legs could take me, regardless of it all being platonic. Sorry.

bigproblem

Whoever said my fiance is the victim here, is 100% correct, he is, but I am too (through my own stupidity admittedly, but I didn't deserve to be stalked like this.

I never lied about where I was going to fiance - I just said out with friends (which is all we would ever say to one another, he says same if hes off out) but yes by omitting the truth, that is almost as bad I no.

Ultimately whether we have a future or not is down to fiance now, but I will do everything I can to put things right, but I will give him some space for a few days.

valos_mummy

Go to the police. You can block him from everything, change your phone number....BUT he still knows where you go to the gym etc, and if he gets any kind of wind that all is not rosy with you and your fiance he'll probably see it as a "green light" to make a move on you. You need to protect yourself. As a minor aside, it will also show your fiance that you are serious when you say this guy is stalking you.

Yes, you've been very very silly, but I'm sure you already know that, and it will take a lot of hard work if you want to have any kind of future with your OH. And that's if he wants to after everything that's happened. But right now, in the present, your safety is paramount. Concentrate on that.

make_me_wise

bigproblem wrote: »

As for the other guy, he's still texting (think he's just got several payg sim cards, as he knows I've blocked his normal number.) And when he text last night, I answered him (as was so annoyed and upset - but no I shouldn't have) basically telling him to f off, and that I would go to police if he kept harassing me, and then this morning he text 'good morning sweetheart, sorry if I upset you, I just love u so much' - !!!!!!? He just ignored everything I said!

I agree with another poster, who advised you to do things that show your fiance, you are doing all you can to completely cut this other guy out of your life.

Is your phone not one of those that can auto reject certain numbers? If not change your phone, no matter how many payg sims he has he wont be able to contact you. Im surprised you haven't done that already and that you responded to his texts, to be honest.

The only way to get the message across to this other guy that you want him completely out of your life, seems to be to get a solicitor to write to him advising him that his contact is harrassment.

I really hope your fiance doesn't go round to this guys house and do anything silly. For your fiances sake its not worth potentially getting himself into trouble over such a looser.

I would give him time to come back to you and talk things out when he feels ready. Good luck OP.

Schwade

bigproblem,

Yes, there are two issues you need to address.

The first one is your relationship with your fiance. Give him a few days but do everything in words and actions to show who you are now and not the girl that had the affair. Do your best on your side but it takes two in a relationship.

The second one is your relationship with this stalker. Change numbers. Cut contact. Tell the police. Do everything in your powers to be safe. This will also help your fiance understand this side of things (which he is too upset to believe or bother).