Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

midnightraven3

i have followed this thread from the begining
and read all of it, good & bad

what i cannot fathom is the great swing from "treat her with kid gloves, she is only 15" to " demand to know etc"

there IS a middle ground

the OPs daughter may "only be 15" BUT she, whether she or her mum likes it or not, is going to do a lot of things "she may not want to" in the next months (possibly years) and the sooner thats addresed the better

i am a mother of 2 teen girls myself, i dont knwo how i would react (mine are now 18 & 21, both at uni)
but i do know pandering around isnt the answer, this has changed her life from child to adult, and with that comes being honest about all of it

i really do sympathize OP, i really do

Hippychick

I have been following this thread for some time.

I think the op has done a fab job so far. I am currently 15 weeks pg and tbh a termination now would mean that labour would have to be induced. I think if your daughter wants a termination she must act now to be able to have it under a general anaesthetic, if she waits she will have to give birth, can she cope with this? I doubt it.

If she has known for a month then deep down it seems she has already made the decision to keep the baby, I think her delaying tactics speak volumes about her decisions.

Re the father situation it's a concern and she does need to tell someone, even if it's a third party. My husband had to have blood tests because I am a carrier of a certain blood variant, he had to be tested to make sure that he too was not a carrier, this sort of situation could happen to your daughter.

I am also starting to get a little bump (first baby) and am getting past that eaten too many doughnuts stage, your daughter might well find her tummy pops in the next week or so and it'll be even harder to hide.

I wish you all the best wishes I can at this time it must be difficult.

Elle7

I agree with Hippychick. I think the OPs daughter has already decided to keep the baby...her talk about abortion seems to be because she is scared and worried, which is natural, rather then that she doesn't want the baby. I think when she is confident that her parents will support her, she will keep the baby.

Poppy, I hope you managed to sleep okay, and that your daughter is feeling okay today. Your coping with this fantastically, and as someone above said, if your daughter is half the Mum you are she'll be brilliant.

hamsterfan1

I've recently found out that my 18 year old daughter is pregnant, luckily she is in a long term relationship & her boyfrined is planning their future together. It is that latter part that makes me happy for her as I knowthe baby was conceived in a loving relationship.

I suspect that part of the problem that the OP has with not knowing who the father is is that she is worried that her daughter may not have been so lucky.

I think she needs to wait until her daughter is ready to tell her who he is, but should also explain her worries to her daughter. She may just get an "it was nothing like that Mum" but that at least would be something

life_in_termoil

Poppy ive just read this from start to finish and I think your holding it together so far but as others have said you need to find out who the father is. Just a thought but does she have a FB account? Email account? or contract mobile phone? If you could log into her accounts you may get some answers. If her mobile phone is on contract then log into the account and see who she has been texting/phoning. Get the numbers and phone them yourself, purely just to see who answers.

DON79

life_in_termoil wrote: »

Poppy ive just read this from start to finish and I think your holding it together so far but as others have said you need to find out who the father is. Just a thought but does she have a FB account? Email account? or contract mobile phone? If you could log into her accounts you may get some answers. If her mobile phone is on contract then log into the account and see who she has been texting/phoning. Get the numbers and phone them yourself, purely just to see who answers.

bad idea! she needs to maintain trust with her daughter, not spy on her! it will just make her daughter turn away from her mum when she finds out... and she would somehow or at some point

paddy's_mum

poppyfield19 wrote: »

She said she had been 'planning' ways that she could hide the pregnancy so I wouldn't find out.

She told me that she has known for about a month now. She said over that time she's done 3 pregnancy tests.

Poppyfield - I'm sorry if this post offends you but this bit of the story worries me intensely and I can't quite put my finger on why.

Perhaps it's because much of her reaction is that of a scared child hiding under their blankets but there is also a strong hint that she is not as innocently naive as you believe her to be.

Does it take quite a bit of cunning to obtain, use and dispose of three pregnancy tests and still make sure that nobody finds out? Did she buy them locally? Did no pharmacy assistant notice what she was buying and how young she was? How did she pay for them or does she routinely have that kind of money to hand so that you didn't notice? Did she have them sent to another address, undercover as it were? Did someone else pay for them, and provide the privacy to take them, and if so, who?

I'm afraid that by now I would be doing a fair bit of sleuthing if for no other reason than that you deserve to have all the facts the better to protect her, perhaps even from herself.

marywooyeah

OP I think at 14, probably nearly 15 weeks now, that time has made her desicion for her. Yes you can go up to 24 weeks - but seriously who would want to?!
You need to make her aware, and I hope this doesnt come across as blunt as the words are but I don't know how else to say it:
IF she does terminate, is she aware that she will have to give birth? Does she know what happens to the baby afterwards? I only recently found out where my unborn baby had been cremated and where he was (he was scattered with other babies in a rememberance garden which I hope to visit soon).
I could not imagine being 15 and having to go through that. I have always been a very maternal person which is part of why I suffered so badly after being bullied and blackmailed into a termination at 11 weeks, and the counsellor told me that maternal women tend to handle abortion very badly. You said your daughter takes care of her sisters a lot? I fear that she would not cope well with a termination, particularly at such a late stage.
I agree with others that you should get her in for a scan soon, seeing the baby will allow her to see how she truly feels.

Errata

It seems to me that when a family member turns to the family for help and support in a situation they can't handle themselves, they give up the right to only telling half the story and they have to accept that or not ask for help.
In this case, the daughter can't be 'forced' to disclose the father's name, although it may be that a bit of relentlessness in asking the question and not accepting a shrug, eyes cast down, I can't talk about it, I want to go to my room, could be effective. If it isn't, then the job of asking can be handed over to a social worker because the fact that the daughter has something to hide from the mother means just that and only bad things need to be kept secret. There is always a place for tea and sympathy in difficult situations, but there is also a place for tough love which children have the right to and parents have the duty to give
I wonder if the daughter disclosed the pregnancy because she realised she was no longer able to hide it successfully, and although the mother says the daugher only realised she was pregnant a month ago, she only has her word for that - she may have realised a few weeks before that.
The daughter does not have time on her side in coming to a decision. There are a great many practicalities to be thought about and gone through. She's 15 and needs to understand she is responsible for another life and right now that other life has primacy over her needs and wants. If she can't understand that, the future may not be very rosy for all the people caught up in this situation.

life_in_termoil

Sit her down and get some answers. Dont stop questioning her when she turns on the water works, she knows if she gets upset you let it drop, DONT, stay strong and carry on. Tell her that yes or no answers will do. Tell her you need answers and you need them now and that the doctor/midwife will be asking the same questions and that the reason you need answers is for the health of the baby. Tell her you need to know of any medical conditions that the father has as it could result in the baby being disabled. I know its probably scaremongaring but if she has truly set her mind on having the baby (which I think she probably has) then this may lead her to open up.

I have a daughter the same age and she recently told me she has had sex with her boyfriend. This resulted in a very long conversation but she is now on the pill. Im not happy about it but if she has sex with her boyfriend me telling her no she shouldnt blar blar blar would result in her doing it anyway.