Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

RacyRed

Poppyfields, (((hugs))) to you and your daughter.

I can understand your fears about the identity of the father, and also your daughter's fears about naming him. But have you thought of coming at the subject from another angle altogether?

Maybe hug her and say something along the lines of "I've always looked forward to talking to you woman to woman about your first experiences of sex, I hope it was exciting and wonderful for you and that you enjoyed it."

If she will open up a bit to you about the experience it might help give you a little reassurance about it being consensual or not.

And given some of the posts on this thread I will ignore the flaming I'm probably going to get for this suggestion. Poppyfields will know best if this is the type of conversation she can comfortably have with her daughter or not so lets leave it up to her.

Oldernotwiser

RacyRed wrote: »

Maybe hug her and say something along the lines of "I've always looked forward to talking to you woman to woman about your first experiences of sex, I hope it was exciting and wonderful for you and that you enjoyed it."

I'm sorry, but really - pass the sick bucket!

Torry_Quine

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I'm sorry, but really - pass the sick bucket!

I have to agree the thought of having that kind of discussion, eugh.

Beki88

A thing to consider, is that she may have been physically ready for sex it does not mean she was mentally/emotionally ready for it, and all the adult choices that come with it. Im sure every single one of us can think back to atleast one time in our lives where we thought we were mentally/emotionally ready for something and we hadn't been?

It sounds like Poppys daughter has been able to live sort of childish life, what I mean by that is good upbringing etc. So many kids, myself included had a pants upbringing and I was "older" mentally than my 15 years due to lack of parenting and having to look after myself and my alcoholic mother, which is why I managed to cope as well as what I did, but had I had a better upbringing, maybe even mollycoddled I may not have coped so well. I hope all that makes sense?

So I do think even though she is in an adult predicament she needs to be treated as a child (well not a child but not as grown up) Gosh I can never write down properly what I'm thinking in my head.

mum2one

Its good that her dad is on board and supportive, as it at least means you haven't got the worry with just you.

have they arranged for a midwife to visit, the 1st visit they generally do as a home visit, that may open the doors for the chat, also a scan. I know shes know for 4 weeks, but she will need to make a decision soon either way.

If your other 2 daughters are away again next weekend, I would use that time as talking and trying to get some answers space. x

rachbc

I ask again HOW does she get tough and force her daughter to tell her anything? Pleading? Threats? Violence?

Its very easy to says get tough but when faced with resolute silence then what?

Why does knowing the father help op support her daughter to make her decision?

Ames

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I have to agree the thought of having that kind of discussion, eugh.

It could work in a reverse psychology kind of way - 'eurgh mum shurrup, I'll tell you anything just stop!'.

OP, I think you've done brilliantly so far! I'm 30 and my sister's 26 and dad still refuses to have a double bed in the spare room for if we meet someone and bring him back.

I do agree with the others though, she's had a few days now to realise you're on her side so you need to start getting tougher. You also have to think about the effect on yourself, you've got a really rough few weeks/months/years (depending on the decision she makes) coming up, and you can't give her your full support if you've been driven to distraction worrying about what ifs and maybes.

I think you need to sit down and have a 'practicalities' talk. Cover all the things that have come up - like whether or not to tell her friends to get their support, whether or not to tell the school - which has to be done if she continues with the pregnancy and even if not they probably should be aware, so that they can give leeway as she comes to terms with everything over the next few weeks. The last thing she needs is to be getting told off for missing homework in the middle of all this, something like that could really upset her (it did me at that age without pregnancy, although I had chronic illness to come to terms with). Then the really serious stuff - testing for STI's, and what the father is (adult/child/friend etc) and his role and responsibility in the whole thing.

Have you thought about seeing Connexions (or are they for 16+?), they'll probably have the most info on education etc in your area.

You never know, dealing with the peripheral practical stuff might help give her space to deal with the main issues. I know if I'm trying to make a decision if it's all I think about then I just end up in an even bigger muddle, so having other things to concentrate on might clear her mind a bit.

Hope I'm not just jumping in here and spouting off saying things I shouldn't, I've been reading for a few days. I don't have kids so I can't imagine being in her/your position.

Zara77

Hi I have been following this thread and my heart goes out to Poppy. I think your approach is fantastic and understanding. However i do agree with a few of the other poster-that you do need to get to the bottom of who the father is? The concern is obviously if there are any child protection issues here. Your daughter seems to lead a sheltered upbringing-so this really is out of the blue. 15years old may look physically mature but their mentality is quite sort of child like. Unfortunately there are lots of predatory males outhere(not all!!!), so you do need to coax this out of her. Explain that you love her no matter what but you are concerned about her. There is a potential that the baby father has repeat form(maybe not first child). Are there any other really trusted family members who she could maybe confide in(gran,aunt,godmother?)
You could try to book her in for some private counselling session(nhs maybe hard to access in the time frame)
To some of the people who are quick to judge-remember its easy to judge but we all make mistakes-'to ere is human, to forgive is divine'.
Children make mistakes, adults make mistakes the important thing to do is to face them and deal with them.
At 15 is she really ready to become a mother and put away her own childhood? There is also the financial implications,babies are really expensive.
If she decides to keep the baby,i know she will have a great support network around her but what of yourself?. Are you ready to potentially raise another child?. You need to decide if that is something that you seriously are ready to take on? Will you be able to allow her to parent by herself?
There are no right answers or wrong answers but just lots of different elements to consider. I hope that whatever choice is made that as a family, you all really open all lines of communication. She did wait 14 weeks to tell you and you were not aware of a partner.
Abortion is a difficult choice but raising a child is no walk in the park. Every choice will be hard but you seem like a wonderful person- i wish you the best.
Zara

viktory

mum2one wrote: »

If your other 2 daughters are away again next weekend, I would use that time as talking and trying to get some answers space. x

How much time do you think they have?? They really can't keep putting making some decisions off. I am starting to suspect that Poppy is happy to let the situation drift...then a termination will be impossible.

Oldernotwiser

viktory wrote: »

How much time do you think they have?? They really can't keep putting making some decisions off. I am starting to suspect that Poppy is happy to let the situation drift...then a termination will be impossible.

The thought had occurred to me as well.