Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

vax2002

The longer you keep it from her father the more annoyed he will be.

angelheart-xx

hugs to you both

xoxo

peachyprice

Perhaps you can start by trying to narrow it down rather than trying to get a name out of her. Really it doesn't matter exactly who at the moment does it, but you do need to know which group he falls into.

Start with basics, like 'Is he your own age' If you can at least get that out of her the whole matter becomes a heap less urgent.

If that's a negative move onto another vague group 'Is he from your school' etc etc. You may find she'll react differently when you mention the group he does fall into.

Good puck Poppy, it must be tearing you apart.

RAS

poppyfield19 wrote: »

The reason I'm a bit wary of saying the child deserves him in his/her life if you continue the pregnancy, is I don't know who he is, or what has happened.

It is not a question as to whether the child deserves him in his/her life.

There are very few circumstances these days when contact is not granted to the father, it is not a matter of whether she wants it to happen or not.

Even in cases when people have left domestic violence situation, there usually access, unless the NRP is dangerous to the child.

And going forward, she will need financial support from the father if she keeps the child. You may be able to help her with a baby but stroppy teens cost a lot, as you know

peachyprice

vax2002 wrote: »

The longer you keep it from her father the more annoyed he will be.

Her father knows.

shy-but-need-help

I think you're doing wonderfully, I also agree I think you need to be frank with her about what your worries are and that no matter who it is you won't change your opinion of her, or support her less. I think you'll have more sucess in getting her to talk if you say to her that you won't contact the person without her prior consent, she may be keeping it from you because she is worried it'll take the choice of telling him out of her hands. At such a massively confusing time I know for me hanging onto what little control I still felt like I had was hugely important to me, because it felt like my life was driving itself. I also would give her the reassurance that you won't go tracking down the father because you don't want the fear that you might to sway her into any choices she wouldn't have made without that fear & pressure.

POPPYOSCAR

I am not surprised she does not want to talk about the father yet.

She has taken the enormous step of telling you that she is pregnant, been to the doctor, and now her father knows all in the space of a few days. I think this is too much pressure for a 15 year old to open up everything at this stage, so I think you are doing the right thing.

Her health and welfare are the most important thing for now and I think trying to force her to tell you will do more harm than good.

I am sure given just a little more time she will open up more to you as the days go on and perhaps when she has seen her father and been reassured by him she may open up to you then.

Keep on doing what you are doing - you are there for her, that is the most important thing of all - and you are a WONDERFUL mum just remember that.

POPPYOSCAR

atush wrote: »

Poppy,

so sorry about your situation. As a mom of 3 teen boys, believe me I have made sure this won't happen ie I have made sure my sons won't put anyone's daughters in this position.

But eventually you will need to get her to tell you who the father is. He and his family must help you and your daughter. And if he is not a teen, well he needs to be called to account before he takes advantage of another young girl.

Good luck to you and your daughter. We hope things turn out well for you both, and try and support your daughter to keep her in education if you can. It will help her and her child's future.

How have you done that?

shy-but-need-help

oh I also think I'd avoid telling her friends parents & friends for the time being, as you've mentioned she's a pleasant teen who studies hard, does well at school and I'm assuming her friends will be quite similar. Peoples opinions of you change hugely the minute they discover you are a pregnant teen - if you tell them and she doesn't keep her baby even the people who would have said "oh she can't possibly keep it" will judge her for having an abortion, if she keeps her baby even the people who say abortion is wrong will judge her for being a teen mom- it's a no win situation in terms of people judging you and changing how the speak to you. She doesn't need that pressure or shift in peoples opinions right now, especially if she does chose abortion she doesn't need to be whispered about behind her back (especially not when some of the parents who whisper behind backs will have teens who are being far, far more promiscuous but just never got pregnant or had abortions or MAP without their parents knowledge)

anothergymslipmum

Poppyfield19, you're a great mum and please try not beat yourself up.

I’m another one who got pregnant at 15. I hid it from everyone, except my best friend and the father, for over 5 months.

Poppy, you need to have an open mind about circumstances of the conception and not make suggestions to your DD about your thoughts and concerns. Don’t put words into her mouth by suggesting who it might be. When I became pregnant I considered blaming an innocent boy who I had met abroad on holiday I order to spare my boyfriend the wrath of his parents and possibly the Police. People reading this, please try to understand the absolute desolation that goes with being pregnant at 15.


She may have seduced the father. Shocking thought but girls are often more sexually mature than boys of the same age. In my case, I was certainly more advanced than my boyfriend of 16. Perhaps she wanted to experiment with sex. Perhaps she thought she was in love. Any of these are possible reasons why she is pregnant.

I think if she had been subjected to some coercion or abuse by an older male then you would have noticed a change in her behaviour at the time.

About her options: my child was adopted. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and strongly advise you not to allow her to consider this path. In those days, adoption was my only choice. My parents disowned me, the father’s parents were vile to me and my older siblings wanted nothing to do with me. Only one person was kind towards me and this person was not in a position to help in any practical way.


Adoption in my experience is a brutal and barbaric practice and has no place in a tolerant society. Thank goodness times have changed to the extent that ‘naughty’ girls are no longer forced to give up their child.

I have suffered badly all of my life from the mistake I made at 15 by having unprotected sex. I take responsibility for making that mistake and do not blame anyone else for it but I have paid a high price.

Part of my suffering made me never to want another child except the one I gave away. I underwent an abortion in my twenties because I felt I could not love another child as I had loved the one who was adopted.

Of the two, the abortion was much easier to come to terms with than the adoption.

I feel incredibly guilty about the bad things I have done in my life and all of it stems from getting pregnant at 15. It was stupid and I knew at the time it was stupid. If I could re-run my life this is the one thing I would do differently.

I learned a very hard lesson at 15 and it gladdens my heart that you are so supportive of your DD.