Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

It may not have been referred to as PAS, but it is naive in the extreme to believe it doesn't exist. It is not scaremongering to make sure those who are most affected by these decisions think of all the issues involved.

With regard to your last sentence, again OT, but some women do not embark on subsequent pregnancies because of that very reason. So, whilst not a general or common reason, for some, as with trauma caused by abortion it is a very real issue.

For the record, I am not anti abortion.;)

My point was, you would never say to an unexpectedly pregnant woman, "You shouldn't keep it because you might get PND" so its equally inappropriate to say "You shouldn't abort, you might get PTSD."

I'll leave it there, my responses were only out of concern for the OP's daughter, not out of any desire to debate.

PaddyPaws

OP I'm full of admiration for the way you are handling this and supporting your daughter in making her own decision. I was pregnant at 17, hid the pregnancy until I was 6 months in (I was so scared of telling my parents) and was then co-erced (spelling) into giving my beautiful baby up for adoption.

I'm not saying that adoption was the wrong thing for me at that time, but how that decision was made impacted on me for many years.

However, I'm one of the lucky ones and my daughter 'found' me when she was 21 with the support of her adoptive parents and I now have a fairly active part in her life and the lives of my 3 beautiful grandchildren.

The part that has been hardest for me to come to terms with is that the two people who, one would hope, would be there for me, believe in me and support me in my decisions weren't and didn't. The phrase 'you're not bringing a baby to live in this house' is one that has stayed with me and I didn't know then how to get help elsewhere or even that there was help available.

Good luck to you both, now and for the future, whatever course of action your daughter decides to take

xx

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

My point was, you would never say to an unexpectedly pregnant woman, "You shouldn't keep it because you might get PND" so its equally inappropriate to say "You shouldn't abort, you might get PTSD."

I'll leave it there, my responses were only out of concern for the OP's daughter, not out of any desire to debate.

Of course you wouldn't say that, however, that is a long way from saying the condition doesn't exist, so don't even consider it in the decision making process.

POPPYOSCAR

Paddypaws, so sorry you went through this and very happy to hear you have been reunited and the joy it has brought you.

I always think to myself that everything that happens in life is for a reason even if it is difficult to understand at the time.

PaddyPaws

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Paddypaws, so sorry you went through this and very happy to hear you have been reunited and the joy it has brought you.

I always think to myself that everything that happens in life is for a reason even if it is difficult to understand at the time.

Thank you POPPYOSCAR, I do agree and that is one of the beliefs that has kept me sane.

viktory

I don’t think it can be emphasised strongly enough how hard it will be for this child to have a child herself. She will lose so much – and probably won’t even be aware of it until she is an adult. She’ll lose her entire teenage years to motherhood. She’ll not be able to go out with her friends in the some carefree manner as her mates, she’ll not be able to go on fun holidays with them, she’ll not be able to have a gap year. She will potentially miss out on rooming with friends. Even meeting men will be harder as every relationship will have to be scrutinised with the baby in mind. Everything will be so much harder and more expensive. Every decision she makes will have to focus on the baby first and foremost. She will not be able to waste money on make up, clothes, shoes and handbags. With the best will in the world her education will suffer and she will have to work so much harder.

None of that is what I would want for my daughter. Life is hard enough and there is plenty of time for children once true adulthood has been reached and every ounce of fun and enjoyment has been squeezed out of her teenage years.

It is a difficult situation, especially if you add into the mix a mother who does not agree with abortion and potentially views this child as her last chance to have a baby in the house. It is very easy to overlook the potential difficulties that might occur when one thinks of a cuddly, bouncing baby.

Tish_P

Viktory, the OP has made it clear the decision is her daughter's and she will support it whatever the daughter chooses. As a single mum and having been a teenage girl herself I doubt the OP has any rosy delusions about how difficult things can be so there is no need to keep banging on at her like this.

At 15 if I'd had the bad luck to get pregnant I would have terminated for the reasons you state and because I would not want a lifetime tie to the then boyfriend. But people are different, those very real difficulties can be faced and coped with if the will and support are there. The OP and her daughter are bearing up wonderfully under all this pressure IMO and I wish both of them all the best.

carolan78

Adoption is an option I don't think enough really consider now a days; my husband was adopted and he was one of the ones with a good story to tell having found his birth mum some years ago now (like the poster above his birth family are now a very big part of our lives).

Even if we hadn't got in touch with his birth family though his life would still be the same. His parents are just that his parents, the only difference between them and me and my parents is a little bit of DNA. Which in the grand scheme of your life doesn't amount to all that much, he loves them as much as I love my parents and vice versa. If it hadn't been so easy to find and contact his birth mum I honestly don't think he would have bothered or given it a second thought.

She is so young to have all this on her shoulders but you seem to be doing everything right OP and I am sure she will come to a decision she can live with in the end x

Errata

The daughter is the only one that can make a decision about her future. The options are:

Termination
or
Continue with the pregnancy and
a) bring the child up herself
b) have the child adopted
c) have the child fostered
d) ask the father to bring the child up
Each of these options has pros and cons. The daughter needs to be aware of and understand the consequences of all the pros and cons. This information won't be available from the OP or anyone else emotionally involved in the situation. Good information is pragmatic, accurate, has no agenda, and should be sought by the daughter as a matter of some urgency in order that she can decide on the future course of her life.
Someone has suggested not using the word baby, but using embryo or feutus instead. This seems very cold and clinical, although accurate; my view is that the word pregnancy would be a better fit.

January20

If people want to discuss the rights and wrongs of abortion, perhaps they should go on this post in DT, post which was created specifically for this purpose:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3243314