Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

KiKi

poppyfield19 wrote: »

Thanks looby - yes I'll definitely need to find out who the father is and know the situation exactly....
But I do think it's most important to take her to the doctor tomorrow and get her checked, does that sound fair?

Yes, your priority is her health.

I don't know if you saw my post a few pages back, but I mentioned that (as awful as it is to contemplate) if she's worried the father will be angry and she just shrugged her shoulders, it is possible he's an adult who you know. It doesn't mean that sex wasn't consensual, necessarily, but if it wasn't another school kid then you may need to openly say to her that if it was someone much older who has asked her not to say anything, then she must, and she won't be in any trouble. She may need reassurance of that if that was the case.

If nothing else, you need to tell her that if she didn't consent to sex, or if it was an adult, then she needs to tell you that at least, even if she doesn't give you a name.

Obviously, I hope it's not.
KiKi

jenjade

vax2002 wrote: »

I think you may find they will be contacting you.

why would social service be contacting her? It is not a matter for social services that her daughter has become pregnant at 15. I work with families and closely with social services and this is not a matter for them. They would however say the parent could contact the police if they CHOOSE to or they should do if they feel that the 15 year old was forced to do something she didnt want to so.

Children make mistakes at 15 years old she should be out with friends etc if she was 10, 11, 12 then maybe it would be a different story. you cannot watch a child 24/7 and allow them a live and indepedance to grow and develop.

Do you remember being 15 years old Vax???

looby75

poppyfield19 wrote: »

Thanks looby - yes I'll definitely need to find out who the father is and know the situation exactly....
But I do think it's most important to take her to the doctor tomorrow and get her checked, does that sound fair?

Absolutely!!!!. At this point in time your absolute and most immediate concern is you daughters wellbeing. Taking her to the see your GP is the first step in that.

Everything else can and will wait a little while.

Fire_Fox

Welshdebtor wrote: »

I have been thinking along the same lines despite my previous posts. How would I feel if I found out in a few months that my gf/ex gf had terminated my baby. I think I personally would be saddened not to have been told that I could of ended up a father. So as well as still standing by my earlier posts on her making her mind up first, I also think mummyplus's point carries some weight.

Could she not think it through without him knowing and then contact him with her decision?Such as if she decides to terminate,informing him before doing so, so that he can express his views?

Tough, that is the consequence of having sex without taking sufficient precautions (I am aware contraception occasionally fails). It is the woman's right to choose in the UK because it is her body and, realistically, her life that will never be the same again. I doubt most men would appreciate being told that their ex is about to have an abortion, suggests that if he doesn't promise to get down on one knee it is his fault if she goes ahead. If she wishes to take his opinion into consideration it makes more sense to ask during the decision making process not afterwards.

Welshdebtor

mummyplus3 wrote: »

eh? I dont think its fair she makes the descision without him is what I meant, or I could of worded it: I think it is unfair if she makes the descision without him, I put the dont in so it changed how I worded the sentence.

Anyway, Yes it could be seen the other way too, he may decide that he wants the baby and she doesnt or they both want it etc etc...
but to make the descision without even considering him in it is selfish and cruel. Now I dont think your daughter is either of those things but as her mum you need to nicely make her realise that it took two to make the baby and it takes both of them to reach a descision on what happens next.

They are both being thrown into a very emotional and very adult situation and whilst I completly sympathise with your daughter its tough and she needs to be a grown up now.

I agree, maybe it would be best to involve him asap (but after tomorrows doctors appointment). Least then she will know if she decides to keep it, if she will have/not have his support.She may be surprised and discover he is not angry etc.

Welshdebtor

OP you/your daughter may find this link useful http://www.careconfidential.com/MyTeenageDaughterIsPregnant.aspx

polejunkie

vax2002 wrote: »

I think you may find they will be contacting you.

They didnt contact me either.

Calm down, she's only pregnant. Much worse things have happened, its not exactly every parents nightmare, that would be your child getting murdered or having a terminal illness.. A bit of perspective here please.

marywooyeah

make_me_wise wrote: »

Poppyfield19 you should be very proud of yourself and the way you have raised your child because she felt able to come to you and tell you she was pregnant.

There are a huge number of teenagers who are unable to do that because they know the reaction they will get from their parents; disgust, anger, huge dissapointment and condemnation.

Many of them just abort the baby rather than face all that, sometimes putting themselves at huge risk by not approaching the right people to get the procedure done.

this is brilliant advice - I was too scared to tell my mum when I was pregnant at 19 and was bullied into a termination by my ex, and have suffered very badly from Post Abortion Stress Syndrome, I wish I had been brave enough to tell her but was frightened she would be disappointed, as like your daughter I always achieved well academically. Its great that your daughter can talk to you, you sound like a great mum, and she has been so brave in being able to tell you something which has obviously caused her confusion, anguish and probably flickering between happy and sad all at the same time. I know you will take good care of her whatever she decides x

Blue_Elephant

Slightly OT, but I was watching the news today with Cameron going on about "Absent fathers" and how they should be shunned by society. To be honest, it made me really angry, because our Prime Minister, in his not-so-little ivory tower has no idea about real life. Some fathers don't care, some fathers don't get a choice, and sometimes it's not the father that runs away.

My point is, you need to know, for your own peace of mind that your daughter hasn't been assaulted. (Sorry can't type the other word). I think that you have to be strong and ask her. Not the identity of the father necessarily, maybe not yet. But a) that she at least consented and b) that he isn't so much older than her/in a position of authority that a crime has been committed regardless. At least if you can cross these things off your worries you're in a better frame of mind.

Once this has been established, you could perhaps mention that he has a right to know? If she's scared just because he's 15 and will be angry because he thought she was on the pill or something (a random suggestion of why he might be angry, not that I think your daughter told him that) you could tell her to meet him in a coffee shop/other public place so he can't shout and you could be a couple of tables away?

Whatever happens I am confident that you and your daughter will only get stronger. I don't think there's any such thing as too many hugs. You came here for advice yes, and maybe a place to vent. I think you found people who were able to provide practical help, emotional support and yes, hugs, without thinking these things are mutually exclusive. [hugs]

Something else just occurred to me, I wouldn't suggest that you get social services involved, unless there has been something sinister going on, but bear in mind that the school might, and you *are* under an obligation to tell them from a health and safety point of view. Depending on the school they might also decide that the school environment isn't the most appropriate place for a pregnant teenager (for example my old school was a number of blocks all 3 storeys high - not a safe place for a pregnant woman at class changeover time ifyswim). Just another thing you and your daughter may need to consider.

lots of love x

mum2one

viktory wrote: »

That's as maybe, but both myself and another poster (quoted earlier) have noted that there are a considerable number of one parent families - far higher numbers than in previous years. I suppose it would depend to some extent where you live and work.

I'm sorry but it does not all depend on the area, etc, when I became a single parent, I walked out of a violent and abusive relationship, I was 30, working as a senior manager, do you really think i wanted to become a single parent...