Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

savingmummy

Having worked as a nurse on a gynae ward i have seen many young girls some over 16!! Come in very ill where they have either miscarried and hidden it for days/weeks thus causing infection or having retained products of conception or gave birth secretly or had illegal terminations.
We have lost lives and women have lost their fertility due to this.......99% of these girls were `too scared to tell mum/dad` probably because they knew what they were like - non supportive and judgemental!!

poppyfield19

Thank you x

poppyfield19

That is very sad, savingmummy.

thistledome

mummyplus3 wrote: »

Also, I may get flamed for this but I don't think it is fair that she makes any set decision without informing the Father it's his life that is about to change too and it is incredably selfish that you are even thinking of making such a massive decision without the fathers input.

It is not fair on the poor lad to either be forced into being a parent without any input or made out as a deadbeat because his "girlfriend" went behind his back about it.

...

Have to say I agree that the father deserves to know, especially if he will end up having to help support the child financially.

However, the first thing that came into my mind when the OP said her Daughter doesn't want to tell the Father because "he'd be angry", is that he sounds like a married man.:(

I hope I'm wrong though. Best wishes to you both.

looby75

vax2002 wrote: »

this is no time for namby pamby cotton wool dont get her cross time, this is time to stamp your foot down and gain some control over the child, if you are in capable of doing so, it is time to call in social services and have the child placed with foster parents who are capable of establishing and adult and child relationship.

yeah because the exact time to start threatening a child is when they are scared, stressed and as hormonal as they ever have been. If there is one thing that is 100% certain to make a teenager clamp down its going in heavy handedly.

Poppy you already know you need to get to the bottom of who the father is, IMO you are going about it in the right way. She's much more likely to open up to you if you don't go in all guns blazing and make it clear that you won't be judgemental (which is what you are doing)

bunty109

OP you are doing a fine job so hang on in there. xxx

mummyplus3

Welshdebtor wrote: »

I have been thinking along the same lines despite my previous posts. How would I feel if I found out in a few months that my gf/ex gf had terminated my baby. I think I personally would be saddened not to have been told that I could of ended up a father. So as well as still standing by my earlier posts on her making her mind up first, I also think mummyplus's point carries some weight.

Could she not think it through without him knowing and then contact him with her decision?Such as if she decides to terminate,informing him before doing so, so that he can express his views?

eh? I dont think its fair she makes the descision without him is what I meant, or I could of worded it: I think it is unfair if she makes the descision without him, I put the dont in so it changed how I worded the sentence.

Anyway, Yes it could be seen the other way too, he may decide that he wants the baby and she doesnt or they both want it etc etc...
but to make the descision without even considering him in it is selfish and cruel. Now I dont think your daughter is either of those things but as her mum you need to nicely make her realise that it took two to make the baby and it takes both of them to reach a descision on what happens next.

They are both being thrown into a very emotional and very adult situation and whilst I completly sympathise with your daughter its tough and she needs to be a grown up now.

poppyfield19

Thanks looby - yes I'll definitely need to find out who the father is and know the situation exactly....
But I do think it's most important to take her to the doctor tomorrow and get her checked, does that sound fair?

mummyplus3

thistledome wrote: »

Have to say I agree that the father deserves to know, especially if he will end up having to help support the child financially.

However, the first thing that came into my mind when the OP said her Daughter doesn't want to tell the Father because "he'd be angry", is that he sounds like a married man.:(

I hope I'm wrong though. Best wishes to you both.

Yes, I was assuming that he was a 15-16 year old lad himself which all that applies too however if their is something more sinister going on then my advice doesnt apply so much!

Although whoever the father is married or not needs to know about his child.

shy-but-need-help

jackieb wrote: »

If you aks her what she wants make sure she's just not saying what you want to hear. When my parents found out I was pregnant (it was far too late for an abortion) I insisted I didn't want the baby, and i'd give it up for adoption. This wasn't what I really wanted at all, but what I thought in my mind would make it better. My mum said that she and my dad had talked about what they'd do if ever one of us (me or my sister) got into that situation, and they said they'd never give one of their own away. She said we'd be okay. I'm so glad she said that. If she had agreed with me about adoption I would've went through with it, only to appease them. It wasn't what I wanted at all.

I actually had a similar situation with our (now oldest) daughter- when I told my parents I was pregnant and they calmed down they told me it was my decision but they didn't like the idea of abortion, but they would support any decision I made, they then went on about how if I chose adoption it would be fine as my childless cousins would (not could but WOULD) take the baby or they (my parents) would raise her themself... effectively in that speech they took two options off the table for me because "we'll support you but don't like it" meant I knew I'd have to live with guilt of going against them my entire life, the way in which they decided in advance adoption would have to be within the family effectively took that option off the table for me too because if I was going to chose adoption I would have done it so that I could continue on with my normal life and I'd never have been able to do that with my child being raised within my family believing someone else to be their parent. As it was we chose to continue the pregnancy and keep our daughter and things did work out for us but my parents definitely pressured us indirectly by trying to be helpful and keen to show they'd support our keeping the baby. It was a time I really did need them to stay quiet until I asked their opinion.

OP I do find it worrying she is so reluctant to speak about the father, please (if you've not already) find a way to ask her if it is someone significantly older or if it is the result of abuse. I know it won't be an easy conversation but I think you need to tell her outright you're not asking for a name but you need to make sure she's not been abused, especially as you have two other daughters.

I also have to say to the poster who mentioned needing to set an example for your younger girls (sorry can't remember who it was) in our family seeing my husband and I struggle and face challenges as teen parents meant both his younger sisters ensured they were settled with their own homes, cars, decent careers before they had their children. Having been open with our 13 year old about what we went through to keep and raise her in the early years has made her very determined to go to university, settle down and then have her children (she's very vocal about the fact)