Daughter is pregnant - at 15!

Plans_all_plans

Yes, if I was a man in the circs you describe, I would be furious too, welshbluebird.

However, I expect we are both older than 15 and with wiser heads on our shoulders. A 15 year old lad may let slip to his parents what is happening and that is where the problems could start. I am not saying he shouldn't be told AT ALL about the pregnancy, but poppyfield and her daughter will have to be prepared to defend the decision to others at what will already be a difficult time, whether she has the baby or not. she should not feel like she has to defend her decision to anyone.

thorsoak

WelshBluebird wrote: »

I am not disagreeing that its her choice. Just that in my opinion the father should know. Not influence her. Just know.

As I said, if I got my gf pregnant then I would support her no matter if she wanted the baby or if she wanted an abortion. My personal feelings would not come into the decision of me supporting whatever choice she made. However, if she went behind my back and got an abortion without me even knowing (hell, in the case of this thread, without me even knowing she was pregnant), if I found out I would be totally furious.

So far as her mother is concerned, this girl DOES NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND - it would appear to be a very random coupling that means that the girl is now pregnant. As she says that the father "would be very angry" it doesn't sound as if she is in a relationship!

WelshBluebird

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Would you feel the same way with a one night stand?

My opinions would be the same.
I probably wouldn't be "furious", but I certainly would still be annoyed.
Its the fathers baby as much as the mothers, so he has every right to know (again, I emphasise I am not saying he makes the decision for her, just that he should know).

thorsoak wrote: »

So far as her mother is concerned, this girl DOES NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND - it would appear to be a very random coupling that means that the girl is now pregnant. As she says that the father "would be very angry" it doesn't sound as if she is in a relationship!

As above, my opinions stay the same for a one night stand.
(also, the very angry bit bears no relevance IMO, he could be "very angry" because she said she was on the pill or whatever).

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Yes, if I was a man in the circs you describe, I would be furious too, welshbluebird.

However, I expect we are both older than 15 and with wiser heads on our shoulders. A 15 year old lad may let slip to his parents what is happening and that is where the problems could start. I am not saying he shouldn't be told AT ALL about the pregnancy, but poppyfield and her daughter will have to be prepared to defend the decision to others at what will already be a difficult time, whether she has the baby or not. she should not feel like she has to defend her decision to anyone.

I agree that care needs to taken so undue influence is not put on her, but at the same time I do think he deserves to know (again this is assuming it was consensual and she wasn't forced). Even if she makes the decision beforehand, at least tell him before the procedure.

pigpen

If one of my boys and their gf conceived a child I wouldn't care one way or the other what they decided to do with it.. I woldn't be raising it.. simple as.. this has been made very clear to all my sons.. and my daughters too.. if they make that decision to become parents they make that decision to take on that responsibility too.. noone looked after mine and I won't be looking after theirs.

I have looked after my GS twice and he is 2.5.. he isn't mine to look after.. if it was an emergency I would help out in any way I could obviously.

Who is to say the lad/mans family have any interest in him or his life? He may be 16 or 36 and living independantly.. it is all speculation. I think the fact he isn't known to the OP and has obviously been kept very very secret from the OP that speaks volumes. He is a non-entity he isn't important, he doesn't want to be important.. where has he been the last week while the daughter has been home with OP? there are a million and one scenarios but he isn't interested/on the scene .. maybe his wife/gf wouldn't like it, maybe he would lose his job.. who knows? who cares? So long as the daughter is ok and getting herself sorted now. I don't understand why there is an obsession with finding out who it is.. he will turn up sooner or later.. or not.. hundreds of children grow up without a biological father on the scene and I am yet to see one die from it! (my 32 y/o brother for a start)

TBH I am shocked we haven't had at least 5 girls turn up with DS1's babies in tow.. I think he mut have tattie water!

Errata

poppyfield19 wrote: »

Thank you, every so often it just hits me and it's still a big shock. I know she is far from alone in the situation but it's still.... shocking

I think you're going to be even more shocked when you discover who the father is. You wrote about first asking your daughter if you knew the father, she didn't say yes and she didn't say no - merely shrugged.
It may well be that you do know him, so until she tells you who the father is every male you know is suspect. How long are you prepared to live your life like that? Don't you feel your daughter owes you some respect?

POPPYOSCAR

WelshBluebird wrote: »

My opinions would be the same.
I probably wouldn't be "furious", but I certainly would still be annoyed.
Its the fathers baby as much as the mothers, so he has every right to know (again, I emphasise I am not saying he makes the decision for her, just that he should know).



As above, my opinions stay the same for a one night stand.
(also, the very angry bit bears no relevance IMO, he could be "very angry" because she said she was on the pill or whatever).



I agree that care needs to taken so undue influence is not put on her, but at the same time I do think he deserves to know (again this is assuming it was consensual and she wasn't forced). Even if she makes the decision beforehand, at least tell him before the procedure.

I can understand you wanting to know in a relationship because it would come down to issues of trust and not keeping secrets but I don't understand what purpose telling you would serve from a one night stand.

If I had become pregnant when not in a relationship there would be no way I would tell the man if I had a termination as I do not see what purpose it would serve to anybody.

Amanda65

Fly_Baby wrote: »

Are there 15-year old boys who genuinely want to have a baby with their girlfriends, let alone have any realistic idea of what it takes to be a proper father? What makes it so valuable to be able to have an input?

Really don't mean it to sound harsh and unsensitive. Just, as a mother of a boy, I was a bit puzzled by your post.

I wasn't suggesting for one minute that a 15 year old boy wants to be a father - mine certainly doesn't hence the frank talks about the consequences should be decide to take his relationship a step further (he assures me that at the moment he isn't intending to but I believe in discussing issues before they potentially arise. Am not knaive enough to belive however that he won't do anything that he / they want to). I was agreeing with the previous poster, quoted, that the OP and her daughter are making all these decisions (and understand why as it will have the biggest impact on her) but that if the father is another 15 year old he could be presented with a fait acompli without him or his family having any input into the decision and that if she goes ahead with the pregnancy, it will (if he had a shred of decency) have a lifelong impact on him as well.

pigpen

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

If I had become pregnant when not in a relationship there would be no way I would tell the man if I had a termination as I do not see what purpose it would serve to anybody.

I wouldn't tell anybody.. probably not even my mother!.. and she would actively encourage a termination!

If not in a relationship I probably wouldn't tell the father either.

poppyfield19

Errata wrote: »

I think you're going to be even more shocked when you discover who the father is. You wrote about first asking your daughter if you knew the father, she didn't say yes and she didn't say no - merely shrugged.
It may well be that you do know him, so until she tells you who the father is every male you know is suspect. How long are you prepared to live your life like that? Don't you feel your daughter owes you some respect?

It's been less than a week since she told me about the pregnancy, she isn't being rude or disrespectful on purpose I'm sure, and hopefully she will trust me with that information when she feels able to. It took her a month to tell me she was pregnant, so in time I'm sure she will feel able to tell me.

balletshoes

mum24boys wrote: »

Of course he should have an input. The lads parents should have an input. Im sure if someone rocked up to your house informed you that your son had got their daughter pregnant, the decision was made to keep the baby and then tell you how much they expect you to pay towards it would change your mind. What exactly are you trying to say. Boys don't need help and support. You are effectively forcing the boy into being a father and as a parent i would want to be fully consulted in this.

but the thing is in that scenario, is that whether you as a potential grandparent are consulted or not, the situation would still be the same - your son would still be a parent (and I do agree with others who have said that if a teenager of either sex doesn't want to be a parent, keep it zipped up or protected), and would still need support.
I do agree it would be best if everyone were consulted and informed, but I honestly don't think it should have a major bearing on what decision the pregnant young lady makes for herself.