His parents don't know there is a baby :O

abby1234519

Jinx wrote: »

I guess for me its about not jumping generations. A baby is a joyous occasion and if that babys dad is not happy and refuses involvement but you tell the grandparents then your child is living proof he lied, it may cause friction in his relationships and if the grandparents are miles away anyway what have you gained? Also if the grandparents do want contact and you find them unsuitable/interfering and dont want your child to see them it could just cause you stress and grief. I guess Im looking at the downside, families are complex and he is their son first, even if you are holding their new grandchild.

To me being part of a family is more than just a piece of DNA and I would rather not see my childs biological family and form my own family with a permanent partner who would be a loving step-dad and hopefully 'use' his parents (in the nicest possible sense!).

My own experience in this area is that I had my daughter at 18, my partner and I were happy but his parents were livid with us and wouldnt speak to me during my pregnancy. Roll on 9 months and I have a gorgeous baby daughter and because the grandparents have 6 sons suddenly they want to know us again! Relations were strained and ultimately they were not nice people so we cut off contact. We later split but my daughter dad has always remained around and his partner became a caring stepmother and my partner became a stepdad and brought lovely delighted parents as 'grandparents'. So everyone knows they are not her grandparents but it doesnt matter, mutual adoration abounds. Also my parents divorced when I was little and my dad worked away so we say his parents. As a child I didnt want to see them, I wanted to see him. And he never paid a penny for us which I have always resented as my mum struggled as we grew up.

Well thats the thing, I completely agree that parenthood and family is not just about who contributed the DNA.

Whilst I understand my boyfriend might not be around forever (I hope he will but you can't plan these things) he is the best thing I've had to myself for a very very long time. I was never in a relationship with the babys father hence why there is no emotional attachment from his side, perhaps if we had been together longer then it would be different. My boyfriend has been there since I was 3 months pregnant.

Well it looks like I won't be telling them as I don't have any way to contact them apart from via facebook. And I am a bit iffy with telling someone something as important as this via social messaging!

jetta_wales

abby1234519 wrote: »

Well thats the thing, I completely agree that parenthood and family is not just about who contributed the DNA.

Whilst I understand my boyfriend might not be around forever (I hope he will but you can't plan these things) he is the best thing I've had to myself for a very very long time. I was never in a relationship with the babys father hence why there is no emotional attachment from his side, perhaps if we had been together longer then it would be different. My boyfriend has been there since I was 3 months pregnant.

Well it looks like I won't be telling them as I don't have any way to contact them apart from via facebook. And I am a bit iffy with telling someone something as important as this via social messaging!

Or rather you're clearly looking for any ounce of justification for not doing to it and yet you know full well that you have a means of getting in touch with the family which you are choosing not to do!

You are making the choice not to give your son a chance at a relationship with his grandparents which IMO is no more excusable than your ex's actions.

of course when your child asks about his fathers family you won't be telling him that you could have told them about him but chose not to, you'll probably just blame it all on your ex and say you wanted to tell them but you didn't have any way to (which isn't true).

puddy

you can send people private messages via email on facebook

Mojisola

I think everyone has the right to know about their genetic family. If you stay together, your BF will be your child's father in everyone's eyes, especially your son's, but that shouldn't stop him knowing that there is someone else who was responsible for his being born.

If you think contacting the family now could be seen as spite because it will affect his genetic father's future, leave it for a while, but the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to do.

Jinx

In my view the OP should keep in touch with her babys dad and if/when he decides to get to know his baby he should be the one to introduce to his parents. And he can then do the explaining of why he lied etc.

I think OP you need to examine your real feelings, in your original post you mentioned the babys dad not getting to go the the US I think it was? Although understandable it seems a tiny bit motivated by revenge which is not the best motivation in relation to your little one.

You do have time on your side on this one, the baby isnt going anywhere and wont have any comprehension for ages yet. I would say just stick with the truth and though it may be easier, dont let your baby think your BF is the dad as it will unravel at some point in the future. Follow your heart

abby1234519

jetta_wales wrote: »

Or rather you're clearly looking for any ounce of justification for not doing to it and yet you know full well that you have a means of getting in touch with the family which you are choosing not to do!

You are making the choice not to give your son a chance at a relationship with his grandparents which IMO is no more excusable than your ex's actions.

of course when your child asks about his fathers family you won't be telling him that you could have told them about him but chose not to, you'll probably just blame it all on your ex and say you wanted to tell them but you didn't have any way to (which isn't true).

Have you not read through the thread? I am clearly undecided as to which is the most appropriate to do? I have admitted that I don't think it is fair for the grandparents not to know they have a grandchild (whatever they do with that information is their own decision) however I do not know how to approach it as the son should be telling them don't you think!!!

abby1234519

puddy wrote: »

you can send people private messages via email on facebook

Not when their privacy settings don't allow it! I feel uncomfortable about sending a message to his younger sister who I actually now think is 16. I don't feel it is right to send a teenager that sort of mesage. I can't message his father on facebook as it doesn't allow it. I know if I google his name it brings up some information about him but as I have said he is in Japan (Tokyo) so not sure how to find contact details for a british national in Japan

abby1234519

Mojisola wrote: »

I think everyone has the right to know about their genetic family. If you stay together, your BF will be your child's father in everyone's eyes, especially your son's, but that shouldn't stop him knowing that there is someone else who was responsible for his being born.

If you think contacting the family now could be seen as spite because it will affect his genetic father's future, leave it for a while, but the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to do.

I guess the long and short of it is that I do think they need to know at some point, but I don't know how to do it or when to do it.
I am only 22 I don't use this as a get out clause, I merely mean I AM naive in family matters and things like this, I have never had to deal with such circumstances and obviously now is the start of a rather large learning curve. But I have to be really careful surely about how I approach this, because if I make a wrong move I could make my life, his life, the babys life anyones life hell!

I don't want to ruin his academic future, I don't want to cause problems within his family. But he is causing them by lying. I think I might have a look on the internet to see if there is anyway to contact his father. If I find a contact, then I could tell M to do the deed (as I think he should) and if he refuses to maybe I will then do it.

Even when a child is adopted by a new family (as in your normal adoption) sometimes they stay in contact with biological family. So its the same for me. I don't think I should remove that right for the grandparents or the child because its up to them what they do with the information. I'm not forcing anyones hand

As for the child maintenance thing thats a different matter entirely

EDIT: From my dads persective, grandparents have no legal right to their child the issues should be between parents. So its not up to me to tell them. Its purely up to M. If I want child maintenance thats a seperate issue as doesn't involve them. I do understand what he is saying, hes saying if you make the wrong decision you will could cause unnecessary angst. I live in a different place to my parents, I am going to try to visit as much as possible but it is pretty clear they are only going to be able to see my baby once every two months once I am back at university anyway

puddy

you said he had a brother, and theres nothing wrong with contacting either the brother or the sister and giving your details and phone number and asking them to contact you as you have some joyus news for them

you are just finding excuses, you have a way to do it, you said you were able to contact the brother or sister and now you cant all of a sudden

pulliptears

From another POV...

I walked out on the idiot at 7 months gone. He was an abusive, violent thief who's parting shot was to steal the £700 or so I'd put up for the baby. That was 18 years ago, thankfully neither my son or I have seen him since that day.

His parents knew I was pregnant, they cared very little really and were always disinterested in his life (I can if pressed begin to understand how he ended up as he did with that parentage). I recall one day just after DS was born I was walking around town with him in a pram. They walked right past, heads down and shuffled on.

Over the last 18 years we have seen them probably a half dozen times, each and every time they have looked down at the floor and ignored us, the last time I pointed them out to DS quite loudly which made them squirm a bit hehe

With hindsight, I'm actually glad that they took the approach they did. I haven't had them interfering over the years, which meant that when I met my husband to be when DS was 9 months we had a fresh start.