His parents don't know there is a baby :O

puddy

there is an air of suspicion and paranoia in your assumptions and language, i suppose your dad may have influenced that (unintentionally) about relationships and women especially

why wouldnt you contacact the brother and sister to tell them the great news that they are to be uncle and aunt? you can add in 'can you let mr and mrs x know, id love them to come and see baby bean'

puddy

abby1234519 wrote: »

I was trying to demonstrate how little I know about his family, that is literally all I have ever been told about that. I have nothing else to identify them with.

i dont mean right now, i mean as information as your child grows. grandad might love gardening, nan might make lovely cakes, grandad might have been an accountant etc etc, facts about his family

mountainofdebt

I must be the only one who thinks that there is nothing to be gained emotionally by the OP in telling the ex's parents the truth,

Presumably her boyfriend has parents who are aware of her situation and presumably have accepted her and will step into the role of grandparents.


The child maintenance issue is a different issue, and I do agree though that the biological father should make payments.

POPPYOSCAR

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I must be the only one who thinks that there is nothing to be gained emotionally by the OP in telling the ex's parents the truth,

Presumably her boyfriend has parents who are aware of her situation and presumably have accepted her and will step into the role of grandparents.


The child maintenance issue is a different issue, and I do agree though that the biological father should make payments.

IMO the bond between grandparents and grandchild can be a very special one so the more the merrier if possible!!!! I had a very close bond with both sides in my family and my grandchildren have three sets!!

abby1234519

puddy wrote: »

there is an air of suspicion and paranoia in your assumptions and language, i suppose your dad may have influenced that (unintentionally) about relationships and women especially

why wouldnt you contacact the brother and sister to tell them the great news that they are to be uncle and aunt? you can add in 'can you let mr and mrs x know, id love them to come and see baby bean'

No I have an inherent sense of paranoia and suspicion. I like to fear the worst that way when something good happens its a nice surprise!

And to the other poster about my oh parents, well I think they are waiting to see how he reacts when the baby actually arrives. IMO they feel he is to immature to be in a relationship with someone with a child, even though he works full time and has done since he was 16 (to me not moving jobs shows maturity? and the fact that he has saved £50 every month for a good 3 years) he can't cook, his mum does his washing and he is happy to sit in his room playing computer games. Thats why they think he is going to freak. Hes just a romantic really so I tend to ignore him when he says he can't wait to make the baby laugh etc. By that I mean, if I latch onto that and get hopeful I'm more likely to get upset if he can't bond. He has bonded in way though, he'll stare at the bump waiting for it to move and does that annoying protective man thing of hands on bump...I say annoying, I hate being reminded that I am wider than once before ^^ So could swing either way really and we shall see!

My belief even though my parents are together (albeit stressfully) is that the people who raise you are your parents. But then again I have biological parents so I wouldn't understand it from the perspective of someone who doesn't have both parents as biological ones.

I just don't want to interfere in someone elses life and pop up and be like "Hello heres the grandchild your son didn't want to tell you about" and then to have a really angry biological father making things difficult for me. I really don't like people shouting at me. And neither do I know if I should tell him first or not...he would say it isn't my decision

AmandaD28

I felt compelled to reply to your post abby

My best friend was conceived by her mum and dad when her mum was very young her dad reacted the same as this man and asked her mum to abort her he had no paternal instinct and indeed never ever wanted to be a part of her life whilst pregnant her mum met her stepfather but they chose not to tell her about her real father and although her real name was her mother's maiden name she was brought up as known as and knew no different until she reached teenage years and began to question why she looked different to her other brother and sisters she was told at that point about her father she went drastically off the rails at that point and attributes it all to this. She did eventually contact her real dad and he was still the same as the years before didn't want to know she also contacted his family who hadn't been aware of her existence she has stayed in quite close contact with his family and enjoys a good relationship with them she loves them and they love her she is now 33yrs old and they frequently come to stay with her and she stays with them with her own family her father still does not want to know still a waste of space.

My point is the child can have a good relationship with them without the father being involved my best friend regards her stepfather as her dad and calls him dad he has brought her up and supported her all of these years but she will say she wishes she had contact with her biological family earlier she enjoys knowing them she sees it as a part of where she comes from and finds that invaluable she has come to terms with her real father not wanting to know her and describes him as an a hole.

I would seriously consider telling them tbh because she also blames in part her mum for the absence of her biological family in her early life.

I think I would also seriously consider the maintainance issue if u use the CSA it is essentially faceless and yeah he may well resent it but so what he didnt care enough to protect himself from the risk of pregnancy he should face up to his responsibility IMHO

Whatever you decide ultimately it is you who has to live with it I hope you get the outcome you want

Jinx

I don't think its for you to tell the grandparents, IMO that is the job of the babys dad. If he chooses not to be involved then I don't think dividing his family will help the situation.

I do think if he is earning, you should get maintenance off dad but if he goes abroad you probably cant pursue that....

As someone whose dad didnt pay for me and my brother, I will say that I was very resentful of the fact my mum struggled while he paid nowt. So if you are minted then fair enough, if not then I'd ask him to face his responsibilities.

abby1234519

Jinx wrote: »

I don't think its for you to tell the grandparents, IMO that is the job of the babys dad. If he chooses not to be involved then I don't think dividing his family will help the situation.

I do think if he is earning, you should get maintenance off dad but if he goes abroad you probably cant pursue that....

As someone whose dad didnt pay for me and my brother, I will say that I was very resentful of the fact my mum struggled while he paid nowt. So if you are minted then fair enough, if not then I'd ask him to face his responsibilities.

Can you please explain why you don't think its up to me to tell the grandparents, only because everyone else has explained in great detail as to why I should and I am interested to hear your side

and no not minted, a student!

vroombroom

I write this with my 6 week old baby next to me in his moses basket, asleep after a busy day with his grandma (my mum).

Abby, I got pregnant 2 months into my relationship last year and wasnt sure how the father would react. As it were, we have now moved in together and we're raisng the most fantastic little boy.

OH has a huge family - sisters and nieces and nephews and his doting mam and dad - whereas its just me, my mum, my nana and my brother (I dont speak to my dad). It makes me swell with pride when he is with his family, our family.

Personally I would tell his parents. Email and let them know, tell them you ont want anything but just thought they had a right to know. Its then in their court if their want to see him.

Its an extra bit of support for you x

shy-but-need-help

My husband was a baby whos grandparents didn't know he existed until he was presented on their doorstep at a few days old. DH's relationship with his father is "civil" - and that's taken some effort (after DH was presented to his grandparents his Grandad did the "you will get married & live up to your responsibilities" bit, DH's parents married, had 3 more children and divorced 7 years later - FIL worked away the entire marriage) FIL hasn't even met 2 of our 5 kids and the oldest 3 could trip over him in the street and not recognise him BUT Dh does have a fantastic relationship with his paternal grandparents and his Dads sisters. Grandad (and he's been like one to me too) is an absolutely fantastic bloke and very much stepped into FIL's shoes as positive male role model for DH growing up.

I would tell them, I can't see that Ex will fight for rights to see the baby by the sound of it but I do think his family would be supportive if they initially took the stance of telling him he had to be responsible.